Ready to share

I've been reading all I can on this site and decided I need to start posting.
I met my N 8 years ago when she moved in next door. At that time I was in in a 12 year relationship with 2 kids. We were in one of those rough spots all couples go through. Fighting over money, lack of alone time, all the normal stuff that I learned the hard way was what life was all about. We were trying but neither tried hard enough. The N saw a crack, slithered in and I let it happen. Regretfully. The N was "perfect". Fun, beautiful, still the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She told me she wanted a female friend with benefits only. We would never actually be together, she was not gay and wouldn't go for a relationship with me. I was so knocked off my feet that she wanted anything from me that I took what I could get. Over the years we've progressed into more several times. Every time I thought things were getting good and going great she would pull away say "I'm not doing this, I'm not gay" and go find a man. She would keep him usually no more than a month. Then she would be calling me again. Always saying "you know I struggle with my sexuality" I'd buy it and go back. Now I understand that it wasn't about her sexuality, it was the narcissistic struggle in her. There has always been the red flags I ignored. Her best friend told me when I met her that I would never be able to count on "lacy" she won't be there when you need her. I tried to break away then feeling that I was going to end up hurt. The N told me "y leave bcuz someone said I will screw you, wait til I do". Yep, actual words she said. She's said things like "marry me but I get to cheat sometimes". As I look back now I can't believe what I allowed. I have seen the N use and leave so many others, why I thought I was the exception to the rule as she did it to me is uncomprehendable. When she was 42 her youngest child was 14 she knew he'd be leaving the nest soon so she wanted a baby. I told her that was a crazy thought to do it again at that age but she wanted it so she made it happen. She used and lied to an ex telling him she couldn't get pg, she planned it perfectly. I took her back yet again 4 or 5 more times. With my job I'm home on average 5 days a month. I travel the rest of the time. She would tell me I had the perfect job for us. She wanted me (or anyone) but not all the time. Our last attempt I moved in with her sept 2013. She said if I wanted her and the kids I had to move in right now. Put my house up for sale and this was it. My house didnt sell, I lost it. Couldn't afford 2 houses and I put all her needs first. I've lost about everything. I can't figure out where I want to start over. We live in a very small town. We broke up march 1. March 10th I got back to move my stuff, well some of it. She kept a lot. Told me she couldn't find it. Or it's too late now I should have gotten it all that day. We had a huge text fight mar 22. Since then I was NC. I ignored a few texts. May 5th she texted me from her phone another number I don't know and emailed me the same message. Telling mr goodbye, again, and that she's finally found true love its such a good feeling and never been this happy b4. These exact words I've heard a dozen or more times. I ignored this. Was proud of myself. Last week she texted again and I broke I wrote back. I ended up begging and feeding the beast. I heard I miss u I'm confused blah blah blah. She said the new guy is a boss at work, his wife had just left him he wasn't even functioning. She said "I will look like real shit at work if I leave him. He can cause a lot of problems or even fire me". I have had a very tough week bcuz I broke NC idk which way is up again. I've pushed everyone away for her. I have a very small support system, my sister and A friend. I know they're trying but they don't get it. They say just get over it. She never deserved u forget about her. I know that's true I just can't get there. She was my world. I would have moved heaven and earth for her. Keeping her happy was my top priority. She would tell me I was too jealous if I complained that I didn't understand y she needed to keep all her exes in her life. Her response was "they're my friends u won't control me". Everything was always my fault I was too moody I didn't talk enough. I know I want to recover but I feel hopeless. I have her number blocked but I find myself praying There's a text from her but hoping there's not at the same time. It's ridiculous how they do this to us and they get to go on appearing to be happy while we're left crying and asking y.