Read this please

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#1 Jan 22 - 10AM
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Read this please

I have been a complete idiot, I know some have read my last post but it gets worse. I am putting myself out here as a complete dick with my honesty in the hope that it will stop someone who may be thinking about breaking NC..I want some good to come out of this.

So I will be honest ...

I broke NC to email him, he didnt reply.
So I got my spare SIM and I text him, said probs with my phone etc.

Conv went like this...

Me: Hope you got my mail
N: No I didnt rarely check those mails
Me: Well try giving me one you do look at it would be easier
N: U neva asked idiot
Me: I am asking now...Mine is xxx its easy to remember
N: U miss me
Me: I emailed you never replied, so you fucked wifes best friend?
N: Ill read it in a bit
Me: They dont say much
N: Wont bother then
Me: Ok thats fine
N:OK bye
Me: What now? Iam sick of this D. Went out of my way to get credit to text you.
Me: You are a real twat with me what the fuck did I ever do to you.
N: Listen I havent slept wiv anyone since you.U just need to get back to how you were and I might let you back in. End of.

Me: You said you had. Who the fuck do you think you are.
Me: I am not putting up with this shit. Why dont you try being nice instead of being so fucking horrible.

Me: Look forget I went to the trouble. This is a pay as you go so I will say goodbye now.
N: Good

Yes I know cringe town but I just want anyone who is even remotely thinking of breaking NC to learn from me. I feel totally distraught, dont do it girls, for me please ok? x

Jan 23 - 8AM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

At least

At least, you now have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried. You gave it your best effort. You have now officially given him every opportunity to show you he can treat you better, and he still can't. His loss, not yours. You can say you tried, and he couldn't keep up with his end of the bargain... and you'd be telling the truth. Remember that, the next time you're tempted to be lured in again. xo
Jan 23 - 10AM (Reply to #30)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Thank you Incognito

And the thing is I knew nothing about Ns then so I behaved normally..I wouldnt do anything different now other than not go there in the first place:)
Jan 23 - 1AM
freaked
freaked's picture

ooops...........Snowflake.. I

ooops...........Snowflake.. I can visualise how yu must be reeling in shock, disbelief, and rage. Natural corollary to that kind of convo with a narcster. See, I can go on and on in the above vein, give yu sympathy, give you hugs....but will it help??? NO it wont help yu. Many times when I have ranted to vent my mangled emotions, many at the Forum here have put me back to Reality Check. At that moment I had seriously felt...oh noooo...nobody seems to love me at this forum...maybe everybody hates me...booohoooo.. ok?? I have exp this about 5 months ago. Today, I still am in the same shit...but I am a different woman. I am now the Victim who learnt to Manipulate the Narc...to a miniscule extent of course...never forget the mighty might of a narc...cos they ain't hindered by Value, Feeling, Emotion yadda yadda the way we folks are. See, NC is NC. If you break the Rule, yu face the Consequence. There arent 2 ways about it. please scrap the thought of getting any sense at the other end of your contacting. Would a tiger gently stroke a luscious rabbit????? and say... cootchie cootchie...rabbity rabitty???? NO...the Tiger will DEVOUR the Rabbit. Simple fact of life. please, do not break nc again... and True NC is No Contact in the Mind-Heart-Soul either.
Jan 23 - 2AM (Reply to #28)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Thank you

For all your comments girls, they all resonated with me and the shit way I feel...I am also dealing with a psychopath..in the sense he ENJOYS hurting me. I wanted so much to understand but I cant. How can anyone hurt someone the way he has hurt me and live their life. I would be really upset knowing I had hurt someone...guess its time for more reading for me as just not getting it obviously x
Jan 22 - 8PM
NessMIA
NessMIA's picture

What an awful feeling. I hate

What an awful feeling. I hate that we somehow think that our "maybe one last texts" might change their sick minds. But they don't. They don't change. NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, what you show them, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU EXHAUST YOURSELF TRYING TO MAKE HIM SEE WHAT HE IS DOING--they are SICK BLIND MEN. hugs to you. ;)
Jan 22 - 4PM
peacelily76
peacelily76's picture

Remember this girls!

Nothing.... No.... Not nothing.... Is their fault.... How dare you even think it could be! I know it sucks but you tried hon and he is still a blind, deaf, sad idiot who can't spell so just start healing yourself okay? Get through it and keep coming here for support. xx
Jan 22 - 2PM
janemarie
janemarie's picture

Consider it your final and

Consider it your final and last try....it doesnt make a difference what approach you take with this idiot the outcome will always be the same.....ALWAYS!!!!!!!! Your NC begins right now...today!!!! Cry. Mope. Do it now...get it over with....remember this feeling so the that the next time you have the urge to contact him you will stop yourself to avoid this pain!! It hurts...its awful....it will go away eventually if you stop contacting him.. He is a piece of shit..he will always cause you pain no matter what you do!!!! It's about YOU now!!!! xoxo
Jan 22 - 2PM (Reply to #24)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Thank you

and that is it isnt it..sounds simple but Contact does equal pain learn from me dont do it those on first time NC, they are all wolves in different clothing x
Jan 22 - 2PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Really now?

"...get back to how you were and I might let you back in." EWW, EWW, EWW. The f-ing arrogance!
Jan 22 - 2PM (Reply to #22)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Ruby

So used to the arrogance I didnt even notice..isnt that sad x
Jan 22 - 1PM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Say it with me now...

Contact equals pain... Can I get an "Amen?" It just never ends with them. Thank you for the reminder today.
Jan 22 - 1PM
Femmegem
Femmegem's picture

Stay strong snowflake

This happened to me too......it was awful! I sent a similiar angry and hurt message as my last. I'm worse: he hoovered after this humiliation and I still replied! We can do this sweetheart .just stay with us and remind yourself of the deathly danger of associating with him. I'm 11 weeks NC after that hoover, and it will remain as long as I do. :-) I've seriously had enough. Take care babe, I really am sorry but am very hopeful for you. You can do this! X
Jan 22 - 1PM (Reply to #18)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Smiling

I am smiling now.. thank you for all the 'fessers up to horrible cringy moments, its nice to know I am not alone. And for all the supportive comments too. If I had a flower for every time you guys pick me up and made me smile again, Id have a lovely garden already so thank you x
Jan 22 - 1PM (Reply to #19)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

You're a good one

You'll pull through.
Jan 22 - 12PM
Lookonthesunnyside
Lookonthesunnyside's picture

Snowflake very brave of you

Snowflake very brave of you to post this! I think it really shows that you dont want to go down that road again, and its a very selfless way of reminding all of us what happens when you contact them. He sounds like a total DICK! Try not to be too hard on yourself, we've all been there. Just start with NC again and next time you will probably be far less tempted to contact him. When I drunk texted my ex I said first "fuck you", then when he responded politely I said "you dont even care, you havent even tried to contact me once and I know you have a new girlfriend." That is SOO embarrassing, and I was PISSED at myself for a long time afterwards. He claims he doesnt have a girlfriend (probably more like multiple girls he screws), but finding that out didnt make me feel any better. I then wrote him an angry drunk email telling him that hes emotionally abusive and should get therapy and he never responded. So I admitted that I feel like crap, that I had been wanting him to contact me, that I had been creeping his facebook even though I've blocked him, and then insulted him and lashed out. And he was just soo unphased. It was just so clear...you've moved on and I havent. So hopefully hearing that makes you feel a bit better, I think your conversation could have been worse. Even though you contacted him you were also the person to end the convo. I know it feels really horrible and like you've gone back a few steps. But I think that having contact can be beneficial, only to prove to yourself why you're not with him. So now you've gotten comfirmation. He's still the same asshole, hes not being respectful, and talking to him makes you feel like crap. So hopefully next time you consider contacting him you will remember this and choose not to. We are all here for you! Stay strong snowflake xo
Jan 22 - 11AM
LightAtTheEndOf...
LightAtTheEndOfTheTunnel's picture

Snowflake.. You engaged whats

Snowflake.. You engaged whats called "Suck it and see" and you saw the conseqences. Don't be too hard on yourself.. cry it out and get back on NC. You are playing with a snake here... don't be surprised when it bites you.. its what they do and it's in their nature. He's revealed his character to you, this is a blessing in disguise.. yes its hard but it's time to focus on you now. How many weeks/months are you out/NC now? If you need to talk please do PM me. Snowflake read all the blogs on this site Mod Squad/Lisa and Goldies.. they helped me so much.. when you know the nature of the beast you'll be less tempted to try and play with it but first you gotta try helping yourself... Light x
Jan 22 - 1PM (Reply to #15)
star17
star17's picture

Snowflake don't be hard on

Snowflake don't be hard on yourself...we have all been there and done exactly the same thing sometimes once...sometimes 100 times hoping for a different response...the sad truth is the meaner they are the more they suck us in because we are good people with hearts who always want to believe and see the best in people...it is very hard to accept these N's can be so cruel and mean. Don't take it out on yourself, instead put the blame where it belongs on him. He is a sellfish mean person who sounds to me like he wants you to forget about all he has done to you and just be ok with everything and that can't happen. i understand and feel your pain...it's hard to accept but it's all a game...the harder we fall the more they know they have us just where they want us...think about it...when we are sad and upset they are the focus of our minds...that's how they win the game...keeping them in our thoughts and stuck in this vicious cycle so they know we are still around...i don't know about you but it is easier for me to move on when he is being nice as opposed to mean because it makes me want his acceptance even more when he is mean almost like his acceptance validates me but it doesn't...what validates me is all the people who love me and i am blessed with allot of those people...he is not. I hope this helps...you are not alone. let it go and wear a smile today :)
Jan 22 - 11AM
Jackie
Jackie's picture

Lesson Learnt

Hi Snowflake...firstly, I want to say that I am sorry you are feeling so bad after breaking NC. BUT on the bright side, look what he did to you again...take that and make yourself stronger. You deserve better!!
Jan 22 - 12PM (Reply to #13)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Jackie and others who made similar comments

You know you are right, he did me a favour, if he had been cleverer he would have tried to draw me in first and be nice...I guess that would have been more of a head fuck. Its hard to explain..I just feel sooooo gullible and stupid, but maybe I needed the suck it and see, I am a strong no shit kind of girl with a caring side, just need to find her again. And this way feels 'truer to my soul', I may hav come across as weak but I was honest in what I said to him, even if he was horrible back x
Jan 22 - 11AM
fallingfoward
fallingfoward's picture

Snowflake

I can't believe how textbook these guys are. The last time I slept the narc, he told he hasn't slept with anyone. He's was living with the ow. Fucking her and me, asshole. He would always tell me, if you get back to being nice like you use to be we could be together. He just wanted me to put up with his lies and act like everything was ok. Hell, I'm no actress, I would be in Hollywood if I was, I want honesty, I will live with truth and freedom in life. Come on, Snowflake, dust the dirt off, I just started no contact too, it's hard I know. Every snowflake is unique, and so are you. You deserve more, you're posts encourage me so much. :) Big Hugs to YOU!!!
Jan 22 - 10AM
needing2know
needing2know's picture

Now do you understand why NC

Now do you understand why NC is FOR YOU? THEY NEVER CHANGE, THEY GET WORSE In order for you to heal and start to really understand all this and get the fog to clear, you need to stay the hell away from him in all aspects! They suck and they will never be what you want them to be, you will probably never get closer they way you want it. As long as he knows he can hurt you. he is gonna hurt you STOP THE MADNESS!!!! I know NC can be very hard in the beginning, you just wanna rip their frickin head off and shake them and make them understand, but you know what, it will never happen. You have to trust yourself that you can do this, when you feel like contacting again, just come here and vent. I have been nc for 6 months tomorrow, and I ALWAYS went after my ex ALWAYS he NEVER came after me. Well this last D&D was indeed his last! I wanted to cave so many times, but I came here and got the reinforcements I needed NOT to contact him. I feel so much better, happier and I would never go back! I could care a less about him now, I don't give a shit about what he is doing , to me he is dead nothing more nothing less and this my friend is a good place to be! Stay strong, stay away from him, you truely do not need him, start healing ok? You will thank yourself for it later. We all will!
Jan 22 - 10AM
Used
Used's picture

snowflake

Your honesty does you credit, and thats why being with him will never ever work..... so he has denied sleeping with anyone, but if you clean up your act ...HE WILL LET YOU IN AGAIN... snowflake, you wont be judged cos Its yourself that you have hurt and thats why we say about NC being so important... I am sorry you feel distraught....but this is nothing to what you feel if you go back with him... HE GAVE YOU ORDERS...THE CHEEKY PIG.... THIS FEELING WILL PASS BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE TO KEEP AWAY FROM HIM......NC NC NC.
Jan 22 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Sorry

I broke off to cry, couldnt read the texts.. after he said bye I said: Me: Ok D goodbye Me: Look I really dont want to argue anymore, I have been nice it doesnt work,I went to the bank and shop so I could contact you but nothing I do makes any difference. Whatever I do is not good enough N: Ur a waste of time Me: What a horrible thing to say. Ok thats it stopped now x
Jan 22 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Thank you

I just feel so humiliated ..and yes I just want him to so be that person I fell in love with that it hurts so fing bad..but it hurts more humiliating yourself like I just did. THIS IS THE LAST FUCKING TIME NOW GO TO HELL D I FUCKING HATE YOU I REALLY DO. HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO FUCKING MEAN. Sorry girls hurting so bad here x
Jan 22 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
jackguy
jackguy's picture

you shouldn't feel humiliated

once you get through the hell of the emotions you will see that, (as always with npds), you had the courage to be honest, straight up, have self-respect, and he answered out of his disorder..."be nice (obedient, willing to be destroyed) and I will let you back in (because I am stuck at age two where I am the centre of the universe)... He's profoundly ill, his answers to you are useless and irrelevant...this is the anguish and pain we're left with...bring it here and to other trusted friends and KNOW that any feelings of desirability, wholeness, attractiveness, connectedness that he made you feel about yourself, exist completely within you...we are the exciting, attractive ones in these relationships really you know...they are stuck on a hamster wheel...we have depth and integrity and grow and develop... I cried a fair bit over my exn...I felt that I wanted to die at times...I found it very hard to see any kind of future It got easier as the grief passed.
Jan 22 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

To be honest I feel...

humiliated that I tried again...more so because I was happily posting on everyones posts yesterday looking like I had all the answers, just feel I let everyone down x
Jan 22 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
indenial
indenial's picture

You have no need to feel humiliated

None of us here will judge you. For a year I've posted on hear and so many times I thought I'd found the key and was so empowered and then I went back to square one ! I've had to eat humble pie so many times and admit that I failed. It just proves how sick they are and how tiring it all is. Don't beat yourself up. Your reactions to him and to nc are perfectly normal I think this is more than my 20th attempt at nc ! I'm on day 12. Think I'm heading for the record. I no longer contact him at all and I find it best to avoid Alcohol or any situations that may cause me to feel the need to contact him. It's not easy and it hurts like hell that he hasnt contacted me either I haven't stalked or peeked at fb or anywhere else where I may find out what he's doing I've taken different routes to avoid running into him I'm doing whatever I can to avoid contact with him. I'm having the struggle of my life but honestly this last round with him has all but killed me ! Start again. You can do it
Jan 22 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
aquabella
aquabella's picture

You did not let anyone down.

You did not let anyone down. It's an hour to hour struggle for us new to NC. You are wonderful, and an integral part of this amazing community that can lift each other up on our strong days and ask for help and support on our harder ones. Unlike our abusers we are able to have reciprocal, give and take relationships with others, and that is a blessing. Big tight hug for you! xoxo Lynn
Jan 22 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

OK GIRLS

READ YOUR SUPPORTIVE POSTS THANK YOU SO SO MUCH, JUST WHAT I NEEDED. HAVE HAD A GOOD CRY AND A MOPE. OK I CANT CHANGE THE PAST AND ITS DONE BUT I CAN CHANGE MY FUTURE. LET HIM ROT IN HIS SOULLESS LIFE X
Jan 22 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
bakingfortherapy
bakingfortherapy's picture

Snowflake...

Unfortunately, these creatures usually don't find kindness once they start treating us horribly. Once the d and d begins they play with our heads and our hearts for their own purposes. I dint blame you for hoping for some kind of substance from him. Most of us have been sucked back in.. A few times myself. My last communication w N was also via text: I asked if he was back w OW He got furious and replied: "I don't owe you any explanation ab my life" (we were sorting things out at the time- he was telling friends we were back together) Then "this is why I won't get back w u bc of shit like this" ( I am nit supposed to ask for the truth!) And the final text: " I am not your boyfriend and never will be ever again" ( mean!) But NC is the only way. This fella DOES NOT deserve you.