Reaching the Promised Land

I hit my one-year mark on July 13 with little fanfare. I felt like it was an accomplishment time-wise but didn't really understand how well I was really doing.

But yesterday I got my answer: I learned on Wednesday that my email was hacked, and every email address in my address book was spammed. Of the HUNDREDS of emails in there, I got a reply email from three people alerting me to the fact that I was hacked. Of course, the ex-N was one of them.

Indifference. That's what I felt. Completely and without regard for my sanity anymore, because I read his email like I look at the return address in the corner of a piece of junk mail before I tear it in half and toss it in the garbage.

The extent to which we were D and D'd vary on here from person to person. I was never devalued. The N and I had nothing but great times (or so I thought) until I learned he was also sleeping with his estranged wife (a woman he had convinced me he despised). I left him that day and never "physically" looked back. Yet my heart and head were shattered.

I don't think my "hurt" was any less than anyone on here; I remain curled up in a ball for days, completely incapable of anything except breathing and crying. Finding this site and reading so many success stories, as well as learning about the disorder and seeing how "textbook" the ex-N is, gave me a glimmer that one day I would feel the "indifference" others seemed to know.

I'm happy to say that I've arrived. I think I thought about the ex's email twice yesterday, and for only a few seconds each time. I had a busy day that included lunch with a guy "friend" and lover who knows a serious relationship with me is far in the distance, if even then. But I just wanted to acknowledge the HUGE part of my recovery this site provided. With ten months of weekly sessions with a psychologist, a small but trusting group of friends, and the information and advice I learned here, I've finally reached the mountain top.

Thanks to all of you for whatever assistance you provided for the last year. I hope I can be just half the help you all have given me in what was undoubtedly the "best" of times and the "worst" of times I've ever known.