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Random Breakdowns.

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#1 Apr 28 - 8AM
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

Random Breakdowns.

Hi Ladies,

Ive been having random breakdowns, and by that I mean when I get upset at someone regardless if its thoughts of the N, it becomes a build up then I get home and ball my eyes
out uncontrollably for about 30-45mins. When I start to cry Im taken over by thoughts of the N and what a piece of shit he is and how I would like to rip his head off. I start with crying about whatever end up thinking about him, and how I could be "snowed" like that. I then get sad, feel lonely and alone. I start thinking how nobody gets it and I can never trust again. Ive also realized how LOW my self esteem is. When Im done my little episode, I feel better and go back to hating him and
not missing a god damn thing.

I was at the bank machine this morning and seen this lady who was dressed nicely beautiful clothes well put together and immediately judged myself. I didnt realize how much work I need to do on myself to feel confident again.

Has anyone else experienced these random breakdowns?

Apr 28 - 11AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

don't fit in anywhere.......

that's how i feel......and have for a long time....so long i can't remember anything else....for years i didn't fit in with the 'happily marrieds'...because i wasn't...and i couldn't do couples things...because the psycho was completely sociopathic.... i tried going to a DV support group...but no one there had actually been continually physicially abused...and when they would ask me to talk about things that had happened to me..it made them all very upset, shocked them.....so eventually i just stopped going... i don't fit in with people i used to know socially because they all still have nice lives and i'm living in poverty.. and now i'm afraid to meet anyone new...afraid to even speak to people....i walk around with my head down.... i don't fit in anywhere......and it really hurts...because before the psycho, i was outgoing and friendly...... i don't feel like i fit in anywhere in this world anymore...
Apr 28 - 10AM
hope4me
hope4me's picture

i know the feeling.

I know exactly how you feel. I have my moments when I have to discipline the kids or am overwhelmed with their homework. Also, when they are both saying "Mom can you do this or that" at the same time. WHen they are sick and I am exhausted from being up with them all night and still have to work the next day. He is self employed so he can work whenever he wants to. His brother says he rolls into work sometimes at 10:00 am. At these times I beging to get upset and usually leave the room and sit in a corner and sob. I curse him and cry because I am doing it all alone while he is having a grand ol time partying, seeing them every other weekend for "daddy fun time." It has been 4 years and I still have breakdowns. I have learned to just cry, get it over with, stand up and dust myself off. It truly sucks.
Apr 28 - 10AM
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

hmm...

Other then therapy, Ive been told eating healthy and excersing (obviously) helps self esteem. But finding the energy and time is SOOO HARD! I also have social anxiety. For example, if I wanted to meet new friends or even start dating someone (which I DONT want) but Im just saying, I picture myself not fitting in with there "crew" of friends. I just feel different and like I dont belong. Im terrified to join groups of any kind. Im so comfortable with the friends I do have, I couldnt imagine fitting in anywhere else. It really doesnt help that my best friend lives with the N and they are related. She has been spending a lot of time at my place lately, running away from him and his excessive talking. As much as I truly dont believe it now, there is still a little tiny part of me who thinks Im not EVER enough for anyone. Not just bfs, but new groups of people. Does anyone know of any good books to increase self esteem? Ive been emotionally abused since I can remember, alcoholic mom. N dad. Im just now noticing how different from society I feel. Im so lucky I didnt turn into one of them, so I beat the odds that way, but I want nothing more for me and my children to be happy. Just content and happy. Thank GOD the N and I dont have children together, that would be hell. Anyway Ladies....just sharing. Whatever xoxo
Apr 28 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
seeingthelight
seeingthelight's picture

book suggestion - Whatever....

Hey, I would really recommend "ten steps to postive living" by WIndy Dryden. My therapist recommeded it to me as a preparation before I truly began my therapy, its a short book and is very easy to read and I think really helps set some foundations for starting to feel good about yourself again. There are lots of other books out there of course but this is a great one to start with......... x
Apr 28 - 10AM
nhtmf
nhtmf's picture

whatever

Me too girlfriend...........lucky for me I live alone cuz some of the things I say out loud about the narc to myself is not for sensitive ears. I could make a sailor blush. I always feel better afterwards though and so I guess its worth it. My self esteem has bottomed out a long time ago as well. When I do have one of my "episodes" I can now channel that anger into something for me. Basically, still not "me" yet.
Apr 28 - 8AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

constant random breakdowns.........

i know exactly what you're talking about...i've had them for years...and am still having them....i had beautiful gardens at my home he ran into foreclosure...did them all myself...including digging the hole where i put in a beautiful fountain....spring kills me...i can't bear to go into anywhere that is selling plants...i just loose it..... a similar thing happened to me back in the winter when i saw a woman wearing a beautiful handknit ralph lauren sweater just like one i owned but lost when i could no longer pay my storage fees....i just broke down into sobs....... i wish i could go live in a cave on a mountaintop...because it can happen anywhere at any time...just the smallest thing can drive me over the edge......and it's not getting better with time....it's getting worse........
Apr 28 - 8AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

whatever2009

yes... with Complex PTSD any reminder - even years later - sets me off... not as bad as the first time but still the abuse and BS they do creates INGRAINED NEUROLOGICAL PATHWAYS... this is normal... meds may help ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller