Rage

Okay so I went to a happy hour with a friend on Thursday night - one that I invited him to multiple times, but he refused. I went, wound up with food poisoning I guess and was home in bed violently ill by 10pm. I was still getting sick in the morning and unable to go to work.

I have been accused of hooking up with someone and staying out too late to go to work. I'm still sick by the way.

I had found Narc on a dating website last week and while I died inside when I saw it, I never said anything until tonight... I couldn't take being accused of "hooking up" with someone when I have been violently ill and simply said that not even that I was MAD about it - just that I gave HIM the benefit of the doubt and gave him respect to live his life - but that I found him on there and was crushed by it.

His reaction? RAGE.... just rage. I'm so stupid it didn't occur to me that of course he is now accusing me of searching for someone on the website to hook up with!!!
NOTHING about him being on there.
Refusing to ever talk to me again, etc etc etc.

Yes, I'm guilty of having stalked him on there.
I cannot believe how the past two days have gone for me.
I've been insanely sick and I get no understanding at all.

I'm actually somewhat concerned about how he will be toward me at work on Monday given how angry he is right now. Thank God that is two days away and he might be less angry.

I'm so sad. Sad at the loss of the awesome best friend he USED to be to me. Sad at the loss of the insane physical connection that we have. Sad at the loss of my own self esteem.

How could I possibly be at fault for so many things?
And how can I STILL be the one begging for forgiveness...