Quick Professions of Love

19 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 26 - 5AM

Hidden Waters

Quick Professions of Love

I notice that my ex-N has a pattern of saying "I love you" to women rather quickly. Screw "rather" actually VERY quickly.

We were in a long distance relationship for 5 years. We talked online for 6 months before meeting in person. However, just 3-4 months in before we met, within that 6 month period, I clearly remember him sending me an email professing his love to me, saying "I love you!" And he wanted me to say it back.

I didn't know how to respond because I knew that was way too quick to say something like that back. I don't just toss words like that around. I was a bit caught off guard by his sudden confession although we'd been clicking at that point. We hadn't even met!! I remember telling him I needed more time to feel the same (trying to nicely respond back), but that I liked him a lot and couldn't wait to meet him. This was a red flag but after pausing, I pushed it aside and continued on, obviously...

He accepted this but the point is I remember him telling me "I love you" very quickly.

Cut to us being further into our relationship after the fairytale phase was over after a year or so, and I discovered that he had been lying and cheating pathologically. I was digging up as much info as I could about this other woman (a woman he met online who lived overseas) and I found out that he told her "I love you," too.

He had never met this woman (never got to once he was busted and once he found out she was also lying to him about her life), although he had been talking to her for a year behind my back. But he professed love to her.

When I confronted him, he kept on lying about it and told me I was the only person he ever said those words to. Of course, especially in hindsight, I know this is not true. One of his many shitty lies that he never confessed to, but that I knew the truth to, due to my own PI skills for trying to find out the truth on my own...

Now, after having broken up with me last year in May, he's met a new woman. He met her last year in Sept., just 4 months after our breakup (another online woman who lives far away from him) and already in Dec. of last year (3 months after he met her online) he told her that he loved her. I saw pictures she posted of him writing the words "I love you and I can't wait to see you!" on a notepad.

And he was telling this to her in other contexts. Again he met her in Sept. 2011 and by Dec. the L word was already thrown out. Quick because it was only a few months in, and also quick because this man had just broken up with me from a 5 year connection (although a sham) earlier that SAME year! Another pattern of his is he moves QUICKLY from one woman to the next (either in cheating or after a breakup).

Other patterns I notice:

He's quick to label new people in his life as "extended family," "best friend ever!" "good friend," and "amazing person." He does this often to people he's never even seen in person or that he's met only a few times without knowing intimately at all. He attaches to people quickly and makes as if they are dear and close to him without much time or experience elapsing for any real deep connection to have developed or to have warranted those labels.

Does anyone here find that your ex-N had a pattern of quick professions of love, loyalty, deep friendship, and/or strong affectionate feelings?

Do you feel that if an N says "I love you" to a new woman in his life, that this is a sign of upcoming disaster or insincerity?

What exactly is the N's motive for saying such deep things so quickly to new women or other people in his/her life? Why does he do it?

I'm baffled by this...and would like to understand this more...and also hear other people's experiences with this.

I am also baffled because this extremely quickly-developed connection with this new woman is NOT coming off as odd to anyone in HER or HIS circle. Everyone is cheering them on and acting like this whirlwind progression (including the public online and mutual professions of "I love you!" and "he loves me unconditionally!") is not only normal but a sign of two soul mates who have found one another. They are being encouraged and cheered on.

I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone, because this man seems like he can get away with anything and I'm in this world where only I can see the abusive, fake, and weird behavior! It makes you want to question your own sanity sometimes. You figure, "how can this MANY people be so clueless or ignorant? They can't notice anything weird about this man?? Only me??"

Why can't anyone else see the oddness in all of this?

#2 Feb 26 - 4PM

IncognitoBurrito

They can

They can say "I love you" and even "I do," as easily as they can say,"It's over," because none of it was ever true. They didn't really mean any of it. You were part of a game you didn't realize he was playing. At best, it was a surface emotion. Something felt in the moment, and then never again. The intent, is for you to love them, to feel something for them. Because they surely aren't capable of loving themselves all on their own. They have to have a back patter! They love us the way a hipster loves their skinny jeans. They love the way we made them feel. Quite different than loving someone for who they are. They are incapable of love beyond the surface level. The N definitely pulled the same s%$# with me. For the longest time, it was this game to him. He found it funny that I was uncomfortable, when he'd say he loved me. I refused to say it back. I didn't feel it, at the time. It became this game for him to try and draw it out of me. He loved psychological games.

#3 Feb 26 - 11PM (Reply to #18)

Hidden Waters

Fake genuineness

It's amazing and beyond disturbing how genuine they can see and be...especially to those witnessing their over-the-top courting and performance. People buy it and think it is real and normal, especially if it takes place in a very short period of time. Everyone often believes, "Oh wow! He must be so in love with her!! Look at how adorable they look and how he looks at her when they talk and hold hands! Awwww! I wish I had this! Good for them!" And when you are that woman that he's doing this to, he puts you on a complete magic carpet ride. He makes each woman feels as if they are special and unique...and loved just for being who she is - that SHE is the reason he is acting this way and no other woman could ever compare or replace her. Well, in my case, I was replaced several times over and then some... This is the most abusive part of the situation. The complete theft of heart and well-being that they induce because they exploit everything related to kindness, warmth, trust, and vulnerability...wishes, dreams and desires that are sought after when someone desires a loving partnership. They exploit it all. They give you everything and then take it ALL away. They are "emotional rapists." Yes, there are warning signs. I certainly remember them, as I wrote, but I bypassed them and fell for all of this initially.

#4 Feb 26 - 4PM (Reply to #16)

Ophelia

It just makes me feel so sick

It just makes me feel so sick when I think about it. I try not to think about it, but, well, it comes up because we are, in the aftermath, 'connecting the dots' as discussed in another thread. And it feels like such a dark, ugly nightmare, looking back. He was so forthright with his 'love' for me right up until the end. I feel sick inside. :-(

#5 Feb 26 - 11PM (Reply to #17)

Hidden Waters

Ophelia

I totally know how you feel. You feel as if you were a complete and utter joke. Nothing but a masturbatory sleeve...and once he was done, he threw you in the trash and moved on to the next conquest. And worse, that sweet and wonderful guy that disappeared later on in your relationship? Well, he just comes back ENTIRELY with a force, with someone totally new...after you tried everything to get that wonderful guy back in the relationship. It's one of the worst ways, if not the worst, to be abused. You are left shattered, confused and full of PTS symptoms trying to figure out what exactly happened and WHY. And when he has so many supporters, sympathizers, and believers, it makes you feel all the crazy and tortured. Because you feel all alone in what you witnessed and went through. As a result, you keep wanting to blame yourself...find fault with you and wonder if something is so horrible about you that he'd do all of that to YOU and then cleanly, easily, and remorsefully move on to someone new and now release all of this red carpet treatment that he supposedly couldn't muster up any longer for you in your sham of a connection. You then wonder, "wow, this woman must be quite special to bring that ALL out of him again when he could no longer do it for me! What does he see in HER? Why is she so special?" I totally know how this feels...

#6 Feb 26 - 3PM

dazed

Since we know they don't feel

Since we know they don't feel real love, I think they throw it out there based on trying to say the things that will affect their victim most. They are overwhelming us, being too good to be true. They are tapping into that fantasy we have of an intense passionate love. Such a love, we think, should be noticed from the beginning and we ignore this important red flag. Also, I think the N is so immature that they equate attention they receive and the good feelings that go along with it as love. After all, emotionally they are stuck at 6-7 years old. What to learn? Huge red flag and it doesn't matter what other people say. It is so way off to say I love you after such a short time. Mine said it on day 2. Lastly, never say those words so early in a relationship. Everything's great then. You have to give it more time. If we were fooled once so completely, if not careful, it can happen again.

#7 Feb 26 - 11PM (Reply to #14)

Hidden Waters

Abuse by Proxy and Getting Away with "Emotional Murder"

I just wonder if all narcs get caught, eventually...or some go on in complete bliss, protected by this shroud of calculated secrecy or mask of sanity? What do they to you is such a great injustice, especially when they go on to be "rewarded" by supporters, wonderful attention, loyal fans, and a new adoring partner. My ex-N looks as if he has some angel on his shoulder or something. Everything keeps getting better and better for him. Even all of his lies turned out to work FOR him. He's explained this away so well and made me look like the crazy one. And all of his supporters believe every last word he's said. I remember one of them telling him last year on his FB, "You certainly chose a winner this time! This new woman is amazing!" This is regarding the new woman he met just last year in Sept. online. So apparently that person who made this comment was one of many he slandered me and did his backhanded smear campaign to. My ex-N doesn't just abuse you on his own, all behind "closed doors" but he gathers his posse of supporters and friends to come and attack you, too, but manipulating them into believing you are some horrible, abusive, bitch who did him wrong and deserved his ill treatment. He gets lots of sympathy this way and comes out looking like the most sweetest guy who deserves a woman who will "finally appreciate him and treat him well." So I definitely experienced ambient abuse or abuse-by-proxy. Interestingly enough, in the beginning he gets his posse to come at you in a positive way. Initially, when he treated me like a queen, he couldn't say enough great things about me. Raved about me all day long to anyone who'd listen. But when the tables turned, this same tactic was used to abuse me and ruin my reputation and name. Right now, he is raving about this woman...getting everyone to like her, more and more, and she's eating it up like crazy. Doing the same thing he did with me, initially...

#8 Feb 26 - 10AM

janemarie

I used to say that term

I used to say that term "Twilight Zone" I know exactly what you mean....(Did that really just happen?? or What the hell just happened?) It's crazy!!! Mine too said I love you very early on,...my answer to him was....are you sure you wanna say that already??? Then he preached on top of his soap box how there are different stages of love and that his love for me was the first stage and how it was growing blah blah blah...... Wow he is a real genius...I never knew there were stages!! They are soo manipulative....so disordered...so pathetic!

#9 Feb 26 - 11PM (Reply to #12)

Hidden Waters

Master Manipulators

Yes, the manipulation is staggering and we're no match for it...and can't defend ourselves because in the end, if we tried to, we come out validating every little lie that's been spread about us. The manipulation is worse when it's done so secretly and discreetly. Because no one can truly call out what he's doing. They just see YOU reacting. And that makes YOU look like the crazy one, at the time, which is exactly what he wants.

#10 Feb 26 - 9AM

Sparrow

They say it because they know

They say it because they know that they are the words that we yearn to hear. Once they say those three words, and we accept them, they have us hook line and sinker. They are in like flint, and they know this. They have now secured their supply. Let the games begin.......... Imagine living like this. What a terrible existence. We should all be thankful we aren't one of them! I know I am!

#11 Feb 26 - 9AM

ruby01 (not verified)

Hidden Waters

This was actually one of the most disturbing aspects of my relationship. No, he NEVER uttered the words I love you. I honestly don't think he can physically get the word love to come out of his mouth. That was not the part that freaked me out though. It was when he had a period that he seemed to be bound and determined to get me to profess my undying love to him. I was not in love with him and the obvious push by him to make me say it was bizarre. He went so far as to try to gas light me by giving me the silent treatment for weeks, and when I asked him what was wrong, he said it was because I "started acting weird, and was telling him how much I was in love with him"? My jaw dropped and I told him he must've had me confused with someone else, ha ha. Wow, remembering this bs boggles my mind. Really, being around these people is a Crapfest! Good riddance, freak.

#12 Feb 26 - 11PM (Reply to #9)

Hidden Waters

The crazy thing is throughout

The crazy thing is throughout the relationship, he'd continue to express, "I love you" at the end of emails, conversations and phone calls...but he'd continue his abuse, which increased over time...especially after I found out he was cheating and lying behind my back...and was NOT the person I came to love and believe in. He kept on hanging onto me although he acted like he wanted nothing to do with me. Kept on cheating and lying and gaslighting...and when it seemed as if I had enough, he'd come back in and act remorseful and caring. He would even dislike it if I was the first one to end our conversations or chats. He'd hang on until HE was the one to say he had to go to bed or that "I don't like staying up late, remember? I MUST go now! I'm going to be dead tired tomorrow. We can't keep on talking this late!" It was completely bizarre, because no one forced him to talk late, but he'd do this all the time toward the end as if I was making him stay in our conversations too late or force him to be online, when he chose to do that. It was a way to abuse me and he got off on this. But again, if I was going to leave the conversations earlier, he'd lag on and continue talking until he pulled the "It's too late to talk now!" card. He liked being the one to end the conversations or to walk away or threaten that he could walk away.

#13 Feb 26 - 7AM

midnight7

There are a many aspects to

There are a many aspects to your post Hidden Waters. An Ns MO is to form a strong bond with a victim as soon as possible. In the new victim they truly believe they may at last have found the 'perfect' person for them (see core issues as to what childhood trauma they are trying to 'fix' and perfect being a red flag). This new person does indeed look perfect to the N because they have been in constant D&D mode with the present person in their life since the honeymoon period ended (present supply will almost certainly still be an important factor in the Ns life however as Ns like to secure new supply before letting go the old - for the present that is (Ns come back later to see if they can pick up where they left off - their large egos/entitlement facets make them unable to believe any relationship is truly over). So the N with their insane psychological makeup (see mummy/daddy/childhood trauma) believes they've found 'the one' and goes in to hyper secure mode with the whirlwind romance tactics. The victim can't believe their luck (they potentially have core issues/non-secure boundary systems) - here is someone who finally understands me, finally 'sees' me, here is my fantasy (wo)man, my knight/princess and having the capacity for real love - they bond/attach/fall deeply in love. The N however only has a shallow emotional system - mainly through mimicking others - they are unable to attach to, care for, or love anyone. So when the idealisation period is over, though red flags will have been present from the start, the N reverts to the second phase of their MO, that of evil abuser through control, manipulation, gaslighting, projection and a constant round of devalue, secure more supply/swoop in on old supply, discard present supply - rinse/repeat ad nauseum. Ns also just get bored with supply once secured and they regularly require new supply or to revisit long-forgotten supply. Most people believe everyone is intrinsically good, their experience of psychopaths is only in passing (1 in 25 people so it's likely everyone has met one at some point)so if they have never been close quarters with one they've never seen a N/psychopath in any other mode than the one they present to the public at large - upstanding citizen/do-gooder/loyal family man etc. If family/friends see someone in their circle as happy I doubt they'd see it as a problem initially unless they have spent some time with the N. You are more vigilant having experience of a Ns behaviour. Yes, of course, if something appears too good to be true it generally is. Ns have to work extremely quickly to form an addictive dynamic with new supply to secure the victim. Then conditioning, habit, addiction through cycles of idealisation (which is eventually reduced to crumbs), devalue, discard keep the victim comatose, reduced, feeling worthless and unable to move on as all validation now comes via the abuser. Of more concern here is why you are interested in what a psychopath is doing and with whom - he's history now. The OW will suffer soon enough, the N will follow his MO rigidly (they are predictable once understood) and it will all end in tears again. The focus post N should be on you. Rather than continue to be interested in the specific N you knew - No Contact is the first most important step - NC includes checking up on the N, it is good to read as much as possible generally on the subject, gain knowledge, insight, Sam Vaknin/Thomas Sheridan videos on youtube, work the tools offered in books/forums, work on core issues that led to being vulnerable to a N, and have compassion for you - healing from abuse takes considerable time and hard work as anything worth doing requires. Keep strong.

#14 Feb 26 - 11PM (Reply to #7)

Hidden Waters

Cognitive Dissonance

That's one of the things I suffer and strongly struggle with - cognitive dissonance. I know all of what he did was/is crazy and so is he, but I flip flop back and forth between seeing this in great clarity and blaming myself as if I did something wrong...or that something is wrong with me and this woman is just an angel that finally managed to capture his heart and get him to behave. And it is worse when I see any "evidence" of him being happy with this new woman, because for now, they LOOK to be absolutely in bliss. He's doing everything for her and then some and everyone is cheering them on in great vigor. You start to believe your lying eyes and wonder, "I wonder if this pattern will actually stop with this new woman? Maybe he'll treat her differently because they look SO happy." Part of it is that I need to see someone else be treated the same way I was, in order to believe it. It's nothing personal against this new woman because she had no idea and hasn't done anything to me...it's about no longer feeling isolated in what I experienced from and with this man...like I'm some dirty secret he managed to successfully bury upon the wing of his new and clean slate of an image. He's managed to keep everything under his control and hide all of his abuse to SO many. It's like I want him to be caught and exposed and I want to see if he'll do this to someone else. In this case, it's hard to fight the "seeing is believing" itch. So yes, what you wrote is dead on and I can see it and it does actually help in some ways to read what you said, but then I ALSO struggle to keep that in mind consistently and really see that he WILL continue this pattern with this new person. It's hard to find closure in that and believe it, although it makes perfect sense, validates everything he's done up until now, and nails his patterns like nothing else does.

#15 Feb 26 - 1PM (Reply to #6)

sexy72

Your right!

This is so well written and you are so right on all of this! Your last paragraph helped me the most, the part where you reminded me the OW will suffer soon enough and the focus should be on US...NO contact is soooo important, even on my bad days, staying true to that is the best cure! I checked on him a little bit this past week via fb, no contact, but checked on things and it was a step or few backwards, it only made me want to contact him and point out the "See I told you that you are what I knew you are!" But what's the point? That is the most important thing I have learned lately! There is NO point to contacting him, looking at what he is doing, figuring out who he is seeing or screwing over! There was no point to how he treated me, devalued me and broke my heart! There is no point to him at all!!!!

#16 Feb 26 - 5AM

kartaga

same thing

not only did he say it very early on, but he wanted me to say it too. that second part is much more revealing about these bastards. it makes sense why they say it. they want to appear vulnerable. and they say it so soon cause the myth of "soul mates" gives them additional power. i am especially allergic to a sideway kick after their "love" confession - "i have never felt this way before"... the higher you fly, the bigger the fall. sick fucks.

#17 Feb 26 - 5AM

Hidden Waters

Also wanted to add that I

Also wanted to add that I bring this topic up because in various readings online about N's, it's said that N's avoid saying I love you to partners or delay this. I never related to this description of N's, based on my experiences with one. It's not the case with my ex-N, as explained above. He attached quickly and professed deep feelings right away in addition to going ALL out and making a new person feel cherished, special, adored, and unique. He has a talent for making new people, especially women, feel that way. Like they are something quite special. He sends gifts, he pays close attention, he spends his time and money, he helps you with anything you need, he gushes over you and gives you compliments obsessively, and he acts like the most sweetest, charming, and innocent guy around. You'd NEVER believe he'd be capable of the horrendous things I later experienced from him... In the beginning he even said that he'd die for me, in addition to professing "great love!"

#18 Feb 26 - 9AM (Reply to #3)

Ophelia

I met mine online also, and

I met mine online also, and it only took a few weeks for him to say I love you. He said he didn't expect me to say it back but within weeks I had. It was passionate, intense, and he said he'd finally found "The One". None of my friends raised any concerns, they could see how happy I was. Everyone said I was glowing. We were in constant contact. We told each other we loved each other every day, numerous times throughout the day. And when I met him in person a couple of months later nothing changed, it was fantastic. Storybook as he called it. He kept saying everything he does in life is 'storybook'. Until my next visit a couple of months after that when D&D happened. "Storybook" became The Brothers Grimm.

#19 Feb 26 - 6AM (Reply to #2)

kartaga

every narc starts with a

every narc starts with a honeymoon period....every one. how else would they attract you? they bond with you. scan you. and say out loud exactly what you want to hear. mine started with poetry. he saw i couldnt give a damn about that. then he quickly changed to something else...until something worked.

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews