!Quick Advice!

At it again.
After a physically abusive encounter in front of my Narc's sister, a restraining order, and plenty of my own research on Narcissism, he convinced me I was wrong for it all. After being faced with possibly loosing everything, including my own place. After I had my mind made up that I was done with every heart wrenching part of being in love with and in a relationship with him, I let my guard down.

He could not contact me because of the no contact order. So of course, my Narc found other ways to get to me and pull on my heart and mix up my mind. He used our mutual friends. Manipulated them into thinking I had ruined his life by throwing him in jail. With his so called 'career' he wouldn't be able to continue with Domestic Battery on his record. When he was arrested his car was impounded. He did not, at the time have insurance or a license. SO his car was impounded and fines had to be paid. So that in itself was MY fault because had I not gone to the police, he would not have been arrested, and he would still have his car and NO fines or fees. He manipulated a very good mutual friend into feeling sorry for him. She was convinced that no matter whose fault the entire situation, lives were being ruined. How could I not feel to blame??

I was in constant contact with his childrens mother. (we'll call her MOM) I was always picking up the slack for him when he 'forgot' what time his court ordered time was to pick up his children every Sunday. Or when the children weren't fed before being dropped off at home because their day was so full of activity and play they didn't slow down to eat. I was constantly doing my best to make him look better than what he was, especially with her. They had always had a strained relationship as a result of his bad relationships with women. He put blame on past girlfriends for ruining any good communication between he and MOM. I of course, wanted to be better for him and make his life as easy as possible.

MOM reached out to me as she always had when Narc was behaving badly. We had long phone conversations. To which we both realized just how much he had been lying to both of us. Whenever we would end a conversation, I would feel guilty. In the back of my mind I constantly told myself 'you shouldn't be talking to her as if she is your friend. THEY have children together and you need to stay out of that at all costs' My intentions were nothing more than expressing myself to someone that reached out to me when I truly needed someone. She knows the Narc very well, they grew up together. So it was a relief for her to reach out and to relate to her.

I knew that would he find out we had been speaking, he would somehow turn things around and make me look like someone I am not. He did exactly that. He was late to pick up his children on the court ordered time. She refused, legally to let him take the kids. If he's not on time within 15 minutes of the court ordered time, she is legally able to keep them at home with her. He flipped out. Knocked on her front door, banged on her back door, back to he front door. Left the house called from a family members phone. Came back banged on doors and looked through windows. MOM called the police. As a result, his kids mother filed for a restraining order against him. To which she was granted. She called the police, and THAT is when he was arrested for MY domestic Assualt charge, and his car was taken and he was thrown in jail.

So it became my fault. Because I 'had pissed off' his childrens mother, she was falsely accusing him of things because I was filling her head. I had already felt guilty talking with her, and my worst fears came true. He convinced everyone around him family and our friends that I was trying to ruin his life. I was going to stop at nothing to hurt him. I did the most painful thing of all and took his children 'the only thing he has' from him. I was taring his heart and life apart with my own two hands. For no reason. I was making up lies about what had happened the day he left bruises on my body. Everything I was accusing him of was what I had done. I had gotten into his face! He had bruises on HIM that I put there! I violently challenged him because I was going crazy! SO much crazy talk and manipulation.

He used facebook to make himself look like a victim and exploit how terrible a person I had become. "i miss my children so terribly bad! I feel as if they have been ripped from my life! I will pray for you!!! I HAVE FAITH!! I BELIEVE!!! The truth of these false accusations against me will come to light one day!!!' Such crazy Narc babel that only I could see right through. Mutual friends blocked me and followed his lead to use facebook to make him look like a victim. I did the best I could to ignore it all, but my walls were falling down and I was starting to feel terrible. He was turning what seemed to be everyone against me. I was slowly being convinced that I was the reason for pain.

So on goes the story of me trying to save my Narc. I dropped the restraining order and convinced him that would he get into counseling, it would look good to a judge. And he wouldn't loose custody of his children. The less violent he looked, the better his chances of seeing his children. The more steps he took to better his situation, like counseling, the better he would look to a judge.

I started staying the night with him, spending every free second with him. He had moved in with his sister and her boyfriend. He was sweet as could be. Brushing snow off my car, making me breakfast, the list goes on. It took less than a week for the honeymoon stage to end. He was back to his gaslighting. I was back to feeling like a small child, anxious, and walking on egg shells.

Then he confessed to me that his sister (a 21 year old suicidal drunk) was being her normal drunk self, and tried to sleep with him. He couldn't tell her boyfriend because he likes the guy and needs a place to stay. 'He didn't sleep with her he would never touch her he knows better, that's gross that's nasty' Me trying to be his mommy, pressed him to tell the boyfriend. No one deserves to be lied to no matter the situation. He couldn't tell him. SO I told the boyfriend one night when he called my phone looking for my Narc. The boyfriend blew it off 'she blacks out and does stuff like that when she drinks it doesn't surprise me'

So the heat between his sister and I began. We ended up getting into a nasty fight via text one day. Narc stood up for me when we were alone, but never otherwise. He would talk bad about her and tell me he didn't want to hang out with her or be around her because of the crazy person she is. But when she was around, they would be best friends as if nothing had happend. How can I stay calm and act as if this isn't bothering me?? One night I even cried myself to sleep next to Narc, because all I wanted was to be away from that house away from her and that entire messed up situation. I wanted my own bed, and I knew if I expressed my feelings to him, he would never understand. He would turn things around to make me feel as if I was over reacting or going crazy. Instead of being genuinely concerned about my tears, he opened a book with a small book light and relaxed himself. The only thing I could do, was bury my head and let the tears fall.

At this point, I want to cut off all contact once again. In his Narc world time revolves around him and he doesn't feel the need to contact me for full days at a time. If I don't do my best to get ahold of him, then I 'must be with someone else or thinking about someone else, maybe an ex' that he has become so obsessed and jealous over. I am so exhausted and confused from everyday that I'm involved with Narc.

I am usually an outgoing in some ways workaholic. I've always been very social and upbeat. Now, I can't work. I can't bring myself to clean my house. I'm on the verge of loosing my apartment I've had, even before Narc showed up in my life. I'm being forced to apply for assistance through my state for food and utilities and rent. This is exactly where he wants me to be. He wants me helpless and feeling like I need him. I have SO MUCH support from family and friends and even my landlord knowing my situation. My landlord has reached out and agreed to be patient about me not being able to afford rent. I've paid rent for over 2 1/2 years on time every time until now. She knows what getting away from an abusive relationship takes from you, so she refuses to mention me moving out.

There is so much love and support surrounding me, that I feel even worse for letting them down. If they find out I dropped the restraining order and put myself back in the situation with the Narc, I will most likely loose their support. My landlord could turn her back on me. I could loose my place and I would be forced to live with the Narc. My brothers would still talk to me, but would stop any financial help they've provided to me.

I know dropping contact completely will throw Narc into a rage once again. There is no telling what he will pull or who he will manipulate to make me look bad or to bring me back to him.

Today I have no spoken to Narc. he texted me late last night after a full day of no contact 'i love you i miss you, are you coming over' I didn't respond. I put my phone on silent once it hit 10 oclock (my cut off for waiting for him to contact me). He texted at 1030, a half an hour after I was overly fed up. He hasn't texted again today.

Help everyone! I need support quick!