Question to the group

This is exactly what happened to me. When I met my exN, I was working with him, but he was nonprofessional staff. He rode his bike to work "for the exercise" but I find out much later he lost his lisence due to a DUI. He rented a room in a big old house in the Old Town district, but it turns out to be a sober living home for drug addicts. When he moved in with me, to a house I owned free and clear in the suburbs of San Diego, he had six or seven boxes and a few bags of clothing. ALL of the clothing was donated clothing (I'd heard later, again, of course). After I got rid of him, my lawyer and I found three serious misdemeanors from South Dakota he was on the lam from. He'd also managed to get a meth possession some time in that last terrible year before the end that I was unaware of. Since I got rid of him, that meth possession ended up getting him a felony and a years probation. Within three weeks of getting that conviction, he was busted with SIX firearms and was sent to prison for two years. He got out in September, and by the end of December, was busted for meth possession again. Now he is in custody again. I had convinced myself (with a lot of help from him) that he was a man who'd made some mistakes after his first wife left him (did I mention he NEVER divorced her and was married to me at the same time?). It's all so clear with hindsight, of course. I think in some ways he really did hope to live a better life, and clamped on to me, a middle class RN working mom with a nice house and a good income. He managed to destroy me financially (while I looked the other way), almost get ME in trouble for being in cahoots with his drug activity, and I ended up a shell of myself that had nothing and needed to live with my little sister for well over a year before I dared go back out on my own. Just in case anyone thinks I sailed through with great strength and wisdom LOL!! NOT! This is all pure butt-kicked get-real wake up and smell the coffee before you are dead kind of education. I was bamboozled by a simple con and drug addict. I had him made up into something he was definitely NOT. I am horrified, in retrospect, utterly horrified.

I feel the same way ShaynasMommy....I know of 3 relationships before me. Two were marriages, ALL of those women got smart early and got out (I envy them! lol) First wife divorced him for Fraud Second wife divorced him for lying and stealing (they have a son which his wages are garnished for, he's never seen boy except right after he was born) He was a bum basically when we met, and he played the "poor pity me" song so well!!! All ex's cheated on him, he was recently out of a "gang", family didn't understand him and THEY of course were all disfunctional, blah blah blah.... I was the main income for the MAJORITY of the 10 years (yes, 10 years, I'm an idiot!) we were together. I came into the relationship with an apt fully furnished, a good job, credit, a car, friends, hobbies, and what I THOUGHT was a good set of boundries and healthy self-awareness.... I was D&D'd 8 months ago........... So, here I am now: No credit No car No furniture No apt (I share the room my daughter rents with her) I work for a retail store I'm in therapy I suffer from PTSD No savings left My current belongings consist of two suitcases of clothes, and my bathroom personals. And here HE is now Married (who paid for this?) New Apt (hers?) Child on the way (what about the one he has!) Finally going to the DR. for his arthritis condition (never went to the DR. before) Such a better life now!! She is offering him everything I offered him in the beginning. And I ask myself almost every day: Did I teach him to be a better Narc? Has he grown out of his disorder? Did the light finally go on? Is he going to change for her? Will the baby cause him to become responsible? Of everything I have read and learned mine fits the Cluster B personality profle. So you all know what I went thru and tolerated for 10 years....if I could just KNOW in my heart that he WON'T change it would make it easier to focus on healing myself. Because I wage a war within my heart and my head every day of how much to heal...Take my own culpability in staying and tolerating this abuse for so long? And how to grow so it never happens again? Or do THAT AS WELL as try to come to terms that I just "wasn't enough" and this NEW wife is THE ONE who can make him turn around??? I've gotten some validation from his last wife, the mother of his son. She's told me he's the "biggest con man she has ever met"...but I still wonder most days if he's "woken up" or if they ever "grow out of this" I know excatly how you feel...I feel the same way every day

Both my EXNs moved in with me. My EXNH was taking classes while living with me and not working at all before we got married. I supported us completely. I had a laptop from work that I would bring home for my EXNH to use for his studies. One time at the beginning of a weekend, we got in an argument. He decided to leave. On his way out, without any hesitation, he picked up MY laptop bag and walked out saying he couldn't deal with me and was going to stay somewhere else for the weekend. I kept searching for my laptop in total disbelief that he took it with him.