Question for the group

10 posts / 0 new
Last post
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture
Question for the group

my EXNarc sent me a letter back in early fall calling me all sorts of names, slut, whore and saying i was probably thinking of doing cybersex in my desperate and depraved condition and never to write him again. My question,he is of course, speaking of HIMSELF, but where does he get the words, desperate and depraved, I am thinking desperate because he has no supply and probably has not since we split close to 2 years ago, he is in his 60's, retired, living in a very small town, less that 1,000 people as for depraved, do you think it is because he realizes it is perverted to jack off looking at strange,nude women showing their bodies in different positions, and talking /texting to them via a webcam curious to hear what you all think.........................i know men are very visual or at least think visual thoughts ..

anonymous
anonymous's picture
OWML - My Take ;-)
“my EXNarc sent me a letter back in early fall calling me all sorts of names, slut, whore and saying i was probably thinking of doing cybersex in my desperate and depraved condition and never to write him again.“ If I recall correctly, this was after you sent him a letter telling him, in summary, that you thought he should revisit his unhealthy relationship with his mother. I can’t recall if you also told him you thought he had a mental problem. At any rate, any person, healthy or not, would have a pretty strong response to someone with whom they had once been close telling them that their relationship with their mother was unhealthy. I am not blaming you for telling him that – we all suspect (and are probably right) that the narc’s fundamental inter-personal problems hearken back to an unhealthy relationship with one or both parents. I believed that about my ex-narc even when I was with him but I didn’t tell him that’s what I thought. (He, of course, was happy to advise me whenever he felt like it to knock down the tall poles in my life and address the unhealthy relationship with my mother; however I had an innate sense that had I advised the same to him, I would have received some pretty harsh narc rage, or worse.) This really all boils down to the fact that we have to allow them to own their own issues. Similar to what I wrote to Happy1 this morning, whether or not he had a bad relationship with his mother; whether or not he has a mental disorder that needs “curing“ or whether or not he needs to learn how to treat people better are all issues he has to own; not you. It’s not your job to try to teach him to be a better man. It’s not your job to try to rescue his lost soul (and I doubt he has one). It’s your job to focus on yourself and leave his problems to him. Whether or not he deals effectively with them going forward is really not your problem or your concern. “but where does he get the words, desperate and depraved“ Where does any five year old get the words they throw out to insult someone when they’re being held accountable? Him calling you “desperate and depraved“ is really no different than a five year old getting pissed at his friend and calling him a “poopy pants“ because he won’t share. Or no different than a teenage boy calling his friend a “douchebag“ because he doesn’t like the same crappy music that he does. There’s no doubt that you probably struck a nerve with your comment about his relationship with his mom. So he lashed out at you. And because he’s not mature and couldn’t say something more appropos like, “I was really hurt by your comment and I respectfully ask that you keep that sort of sentiment to yourself,“ he resorts to calling you something that you’re not. I wouldn’t read anything more into those two words than that. Because if you do – if you’re questioning yourself and trying to convince yourself that you’re really not desperate and depraved – then you’ve continued to stay in the trap of giving credence to his opinion of you. His opinion has nothing to do with you or your life at all. “ I am thinking desperate because he has no supply and probably has not since we split close to 2 years ago, he is in his 60's, retired, living in a very small town, less that 1,000 people“ Again, I don’t want to give credence to his choice of words. But his choice of living in a very small town with less than 1,000 people with potentially very little supply is his choice. It’s not really a surprising choice actually. My ex-narc works at a relatively large company during the week and retreats to his home in the middle of nowhere on the weekends. He’s an introvert. And honestly, if being in a small town like that out in the middle of nowhere gives him peace, then I’m glad for him, I guess. The way I look at it is that at least on the weekends, there are fewer people in his vicinity whom he can manipulate and if it gives his manic brain time to unwind and hibernate, then that’s good. What he chooses to do with that downtime is his choice. Again, this isn’t your concern and I really don’t think your ex-narc‘s choice of the word desperate has anything to do with how he feels about himself. Don’t forget, narcs don’t really think there’s anything wrong with them because to admit that there is would mean a complete unraveling of their psyche. “as for depraved, do you think it is because he realizes it is perverted to jack off looking at strange,nude women showing their bodies in different positions, and talking /texting to them via a webcam“ No, I don’t think he sees anything wrong with this behavior. If he did, he would at least try to stop it. This guy sounds like a somatic narc and uses the internet as his means to obtain supply whether the women are cyberwomen or chat buddies who end up being real in his life. I worked for a guy once who was the most disgusting narc I ever met; way more disgusting and pathetic than my ex-narc. He had four wives. The first, he had two boys with who are now in their 50s. He was married to her for over 20 years. Then, he dumped her for a much younger woman, whom he married. When she was 6 months pregnant, he got his younger girlfriend on the side pregnant. He dumped the second wife before she gave birth so he could marry the girlfriend. While he was with the third wife, he screwed around every chance he got. And after 20 years of marriage to her, she found out about the latest girlfriend. By this time he was in his late 60s and the girlfriend, who became his fourth wife, was in her 20s. And with her, he now has a very young daugther. He is now in his 70s and has hardly any relationship with any of his children except for presumably the child of the current wife. The whole time he was engaging in these sexual escapades, he was addicted to pornography and at one point actually peddled it for sale out of the manufacturing company at which he was President and CEO. The guy is an utterly disgusting pig. And do you think he has an iota of self-awareness that he is an awful human being? NOT ONE. When his third wife was divorcing him because she found out about the affair, he actually told the judge during the divorce trial that he wanted to counter-sue his wife for divorce because she had the audacity to withhold sexual relations from him while she was undergoing chemotherapy treatment for breast cancer. You can imagine what the judge’s response was. I am not making this story up – this is a real “person“. Your narc, I’ll bet, sees nothing at all wrong with his lifestyle. And you know what, that’s OK for him. He can do whatever the hell he wants. It has no bearing on you. As far as projection goes – I can get where everyone is coming from, however I think that we might be taking this a little bit too far. I’m concerned that ‘projection’ has become another one of those ‘mysteries’ to all of us that in some ways we use as an excuse to be empathetic toward the narcs. Susan32 didn’t mean it that way and she clearly has her head on straight when it comes to tossing out the empathy chip toward her ex-professor. But don’t confuse projection with all out crappy behavior. Whether or not he was projecting on you when he said what he said doesn’t really matter to you. He said nasty things and that should be enough for you to reinforce to yourself, “This person is no good for me.” Trying to figure it out beyond that will continue to drive you crazy and he doesn’t deserve that level of credibility with you. I hope this helps. Hang in there. You’re getting stronger. I can tell.
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture
Morty
that story about the other Narc was unbelievable, to put it mildly!!!
anonymous
anonymous's picture
I know
Just thinking about the slimeball makes me want to puke. His first name is Richard and you can imagine what his nickname is and how immensely proud of it he is. Yuuuuuuucckkkkkk!!!!
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture
Is his last name Head? ;)
Is his last name Head? ;)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture
Susan is correct. That's
Susan is correct. That's all he's doing...throwing what he thinks about himself back at you. Xnh called me tons of dirty names, too. He walked past my office a few months ago, and called me "B*tch" just loud enough for me to hear but no one else. Later, I was complaining about it to my sister. Her comment was, "That's the BEST he can come up with? That's not even original." She's right. If he's going to insult me, he could at least be a little creative about it. It made me laugh when she put it that way.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Susan32
Susan32's picture
Pure projection
That's ALL he's doing. If he can't face his own problems, he flings them at you like a dirty diaper. The ex-Psych professor would accuse me of being a slut whenever I wore a dress.... and I wasn't even sexually active. He'd call me depraved too. But I'd give him a hand for admitting that he spent A LOT of time masturbating.
Jean
Jean's picture
LOL
That is funny. I like your posts b/c they remind me of an old professor of mine who I think was a Narc and/or had a sex addiction. He had a reputation for staring at girls boobs while he was lecturing (the girls in the front row). He used to look me up and down with no shame when I wore a dress - unfortunately I took this a compliment. I've come a long way. I don't wear dresses anymore! The guy has an endowed chair of some many millions of dollars and boy, does he hate women! I think there are more Narc professors than any other profession, except maybe actors or doctors. . .
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture
Yep, mine was a doctor and I
Yep, mine was a doctor and I think the medical profession is lousy with them. Of course, he doesn't practice clinical medicine any more, because (I imagine) he couldn't take the management culture in hospitals in the UK (where managers tell doctors what to do, basically) because it meant that he wasn't being adored and worshipped and obeyed 24/7, and also that he had to put up with being answerable to someone else - and not even some other doctor, shock horror!! So he's wound up working for pharma companies (three since 2007 - narcs can't stay for long in any job because their despising of their bosses and co-workers comes to the fore sooner or later and they have to move on. Also, he's the expert in absolutely everything ;) and everyone else is of course utterly stupid, so they become intolerable to work for/with before long)
Susan32
Susan32's picture
He ogled the guys more...
The ex-Psych professor made his male lab assistant extremely uncomfortable because said assistant felt he was being ogled. When he was in the presence of a man taller than him (he was short), he was in ecstatic awe. Men impressed him in ways women couldn't. He'd call me a slut if I wore a dress... and he certainly did NOT look me up&down. However, he was VERY HAPPY when I wore jeans&looked manly. Those girls in the front row would have been safe from the ex-P's ogling, but the male students in the wife beaters and ratty jeans... not so much... The ex-P had a circle of male disciples who wore undershirts, ratty jeans, and he made sure he looked clean&polished compared to them. His favorite copy of "War and Peace" has a man on the cover with VERY form fitting pants that um, show the package.... One of my friends once said "He's attracted to you because you look like a boy." And somehow I ended up in some drama my junior year involving the ex-P and an openly gay professor. The openly gay professor detested the ex-P's narcissism. I think they had a brief fling that (of course) ended terribly. "I don't wear dresses anymore"-The ex-P gave me the evil eye whenever I wore dresses. When I got D&D'd, the woman he dumped me for ( his long distance girlfriend whom he impregnated, THEN married) was quite masculine. She wore a pants suit when I met her, and when she wore a tank top to the graduation picnic, it was a big deal. I ended up being praised by my classmates as the feminine one... how ironic... I saw myself as a tomboy not Barbie (TM).... "I think there are more Narc professors except maybe actors"-The ex-P should've taken up acting. I TOLD HIM SO after the final D&D. If he had lost some weight and got his nasty teeth fixed, he'd be acting. It's tragic how education is a magnet for Narcs, where they're seeking self-satisfaction instead of caring for their students.