1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. The Path Forward Forum
  5. Question about hoovering

Question about hoovering

10 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Apr 20 - 1AM
Alisa
Alisa's picture

Question about hoovering

I was just reading the article on the blog on
hoovering and somewhere it said the the narc will only stop hoovering once he knows we've seen through him and his behavior. If he still thinks he has an ounce of a chance, he'll come back.

I am wondering now if that is really the case. What has your experience been?
I am now completely uninterested in my ex-narc but have not had the chance to tell him yet. He has a new girlfriend and at this point I feel more like "whatever". He's been making a few half-assed attempts of contacting me but definitely no hoovering. I have not returned his calls, nor picked up when he called, however, I have not gone NC, so he's still on my facebook and occasionally I will see him online. If he starts chatting I might say hi and that's it. I am not sure if he might be sensing that I have lost interest.

So essentially I have 3 questions to the members of this board:

1) Do you think he's actually sensed I am no longer interested or do you think he'll be back when supply is low?
2) Would telling him that I am no longer interested stop him from coming back?
3) what have your experiences been, more specifically, if your narc knew you saw past his image and saw his true character, did he actually stop hoovering?

Apr 20 - 4PM
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

Having been engaged once......

........to a Pro Narc, he could always sense my heart was still open to him, especially because I kept in contact with his dad. His dad played a part in the hoovering for him. Therefore I cut his dad completely off and changed my number. This dude that I was friends with recently I doubt if he'll hoover because I told him I have family in law enforcement, and he has one more ding to get on his rap sheet before he goes to prison for a long time, so I doubt I'll hear from him, unless he has balls the size of Texas, which most Narcs don't. They are really cowards deep down, otherwise they wouldn't have to hoover or gaslight a person.
Apr 20 - 3PM
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

I have wondered the same thing

So it tooks months for my N to win me back. I was hesitate and kept reminding him of all of the awful things that he has done. Then once he won me over it was only about 3 weeks of trying to work things out before I demanded he treat me like a human and not ignore me. So now I am devalued again and he is ingoring me and doesnt want to work us out anymore. So my question is, since it did not last as long this time, and he knows that I wont put up with him for too long, will he go away? Or is he going to come back eventually? He knows that he wont get as far with me anymore so do you think this was the last D&D?

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Apr 20 - 4PM (Reply to #8)
Alisa
Alisa's picture

I'd say he'll try again. What

I'd say he'll try again. What would be interesting though is what he'll do if you don't take him back. Like, when will he give up??? For me it was the same: hesitant before I let him back into my life. After a few weeks he was back to his old self but his behavior was so obviously strange then (there were two other women in the picture besides me and he was sending out very confusing messages about them and to me) that I started doing some research and found this board. Which is why I never confronted him about ignoring me the second time but just went about my own things. He only devalued me partially because then I stopped pursuing him. But he's so clueless right now that I am just watching to see when he'll break up with the new girl...
Apr 20 - 7AM
really
really's picture

Alisa

1) No. Any response at all is supply. You are still paying attention by his standards and therefore are not "uninterested". The only thing they understand is complete indifference. The only way we can convey this is by completely ignoring them via NC. Polite exchange = supply and therefore does not work. 2) No. That's a challenge he'll take up at some point when he doesn't have the supply he needs from other sources. 3) I don't know if mine has stopped for good, but he's stopped for now. This only after over a year of ignoring him. I think he knows that I know who he really is, but who the heck knows!?! I wouldn't be surprised if he showed up on my doorstep a year from now. It's happened. The only thing that's different this time is that I have not acknowledged him in any way. Does the work forever? I don't know.
Apr 20 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
Alisa
Alisa's picture

"Any response at all is

"Any response at all is supply." Never thought about that but you're probably right. I think it's hilarious though because mine is so clueless that I have seen through him and don't care anymore. Part of me is just waiting for him to come back and then I'll be like "Sorry, not interested anymore". Actually I'll omit the sorry and just tell him to go find someone else. I've been hanging out with some normal guys the past few days and I am absolutely positive that I don't want my narc back. I'd rather stay single than be with him
Apr 20 - 7AM
exhausted
exhausted's picture

I think your narc is sending

I think your narc is sending out little feelers to remind you that he is still there. At this time he has something more exciting than you going on so he is not going to really hoover until she gets "old". It's important that you use this time to get strong so that when and if he does come back you can continue to ignore and just brush it off. He doesnt care if you are no longer interested. He doesnt sense anything because he only cares about what he wants. Right now he wants the other girl. Its only a matter of time before he comes back. Trust me, it happened to me just yesterday. It took him 4 months to apologize to me and when it happened I blew him off. And to answer your third question they don't care. He told me the truth about everything. I know about all the other women and he still thinks he can talk to me. They have no souls. basically they will do what they want when they want.
Apr 20 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Ex

Good response! I've been worried about you !
Apr 20 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
Alisa
Alisa's picture

I think you are right - he is

I think you are right - he is totally sending "little feelers to remind me he's still there". That thought had already crossed my mind as well, I am pretty sure that's what it is. And I am totally using this time to get strong, because I know he'll be back. Interesting thought that he doesn't sense anything because he doesn't care. makes a lot of sense. Although I would have imagined it would bother him if I wasn't interested (even though there's the other girl) You blew yours off yesterday? Awesome. That is totally my plan when mine comes back. How did yours react? I'm curious as to what exactly happened(if you feel like sharing).
Apr 20 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
exhausted
exhausted's picture

He didnt react. He said what

He didnt react. He said what he had to say and I said "ok" and then hung up the phone. Then I watched him go completely nuts because the girl he really "loves" doesnt want him anymore. He couldnt care less that i didnt want him. He was only seeing if he could get something out of me. He doesnt have the time or energy to waste on me. He will go away for about a week and then he'll try again. Its so pathetic. Hang in there and stay here. You're doing the right thing.