Q re: the 18-month NC rule?

36 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 20 - 11PM

nycsurvivor

Q re: the 18-month NC rule?

Wondering why it has to be 18 months of NC, no dating of others, etc.? Isn't the fastest way to get over a broken heart is to have feelings for another? The longer you're out of the dating world, the more gunshy one may be about entering that arena again.

I'm not suggesting we jump into a relationship for the sake of jumping into a relationship, but why not be open to it should it come along? Why preclude ourselves from the dating population for 18-months?

Since we have been emotionally damaged, aren't we actually more adept and wiser when it comes to potential red flags in the next relationship? Wouldn't we have a better idea of what to look for?

My point is why give the N more power by putting our lives on hold for 18-months. Has the N not taken enough of our life from us?

#2 Feb 22 - 11AM

whatever2009

you need time...

Ive actually had panic attacks being around other guys. I have been a solid 2months NO CONTACT. Ive been out places with my girls, we hung out with guys, and if one starts hitting on me and showing an interest, I panic. I start wondering, what does he want? is he an N? he seems normal? Im not ready. Oh maybe I should just be open? To completely freaking out. You need to get over your emotional attachment to someone before attaching to someone else. If not, its not fair to the new guy or to yourself.

#3 Feb 21 - 3PM

time_to_move_on

Personally....

I think at least a year, or at least more is a good idea. 18mths is totally fine. I don't think you are depriving yourself of anything... I'd look at is as chance of getting to know the real you, and take care of yourself, make more friends, do more interests. I know a lot of us probably do that, but the chance to really work at helps you for choose the right person for next time. Along with therapy/support groups/coming on here/blogs. From my experience, most of the guys I've gone out with it's "only" lasted a couple of years max. But I've gone out with active alcoholics, at least 2 personality disorders, maybe more. Even though some of those relationships have been short (one up to 3 years) it took me after each at least 6 mths to feel normal after I'd found someone cheating, been threatened or whatever. So I can only imagine what it's like trying to extricate yourself if you've got children, or were together for years. My mistake was usually to go back in there after 6 mths and start dating again (sometimes earlier). I didn't magically notice red flags, they were often different, sometimes subtler, sometimes not. I think it's worth waiting. I spent two years trying to date after I'd split up with some awful guy that had led a double-life.... I did meet someone "nice" for 6 mths but it was a sticking plaster. I wish I'd had decent help back then or gone out and found it.

#4 Feb 21 - 12AM

Barbara (not verified)

18 months

18 months is not some number I picked up out of the blue. Even I couldn't 'negotiate' it just because I didn't like it... the training I've had so far in trauma recovery & PTSD dictates that as the MINIMUM number... ...if you think you're ready... go ahead. And check in with us to let us know how its going. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#5 Feb 21 - 5AM (Reply to #33)

tasha

hey Barbara

Yeh I have to agree, I feel better but underneath it all, I still got some self defeating behavior going on. I think the councilling is a must though the sooner you go-the faster you are able to process the trauma in a positive manner. And put it where it belongs. I'm still not sure weither shorter exposure means faster recovery...I dont think of his as much as I did. Getting better but slowly. I've gone back to school and it's funny I can spot a Narc now a mile away.

#6 Feb 21 - 12AM (Reply to #25)

serene69

I didnt say I am ready now

I didnt say I am ready - if you read my words, I said that I am giving myself some time to be alone, to enjoy my company and that of my friends.. I need some time to recover from the awful experience I have been through. I am fully aware of that. But if in the future (i.e. before 18 months is up) I meet someone that i feel I could go on a date with, or would like to get to know more - then I will go ahead. It could be in two months or six months or maybe two years! - how do any of us know when we will meet someone we like? But I am not going to cut myself off from the change of meeting a good man again. I put up with 6 months of his bullshit so it was not a long a time as many others here. I could tell he was trying to erode my confidence, make me feel inferior. I didnt like it and certainly could see within 6 months that he was no good for me - whatever my feelings. And that was unacceptable to me. i.e. If I am with someone and they dont bother to respond to a text or email for 2-3 days that is an insult - and means the person obviously does not share the same feelings. If they belittle you all the time, that is not right. If they say they want to meet up and then don't turn up or call to explain why, that is simply wrong and rude and insulting. All these kind of things don't happen in proper relationships from my experience. I saw through him very early on and although I had developed feelings for him by then, I knew it was no good, and however tough it was, I knew I had to get away from him. I hate him now for treating me like an object and have been deeply hurt. It will take time for me to be the person I was 100 percent before I met him, but I don't believe 18 months waiting to meet someone new is right for me.

#7 Feb 21 - 3PM (Reply to #26)

tasha

serene69

I think 18 months gives you time to heal, it seems a long time to be alone. But time invested in you to heal is important.If you've got issues, now would be the time to address them and have you learnt to recognise the red flags? how to spot a dangerous man? have you dealt with those insecurities and valnerabilities that he played on? Dont go back out there with your eyes wide shut!Don't open yourself up to the elements...when your not ready.That's all I'm saying. You hate him and you are still deeply hurt.Feeling indifference for him is a better place to be.

#8 Feb 21 - 3PM (Reply to #27)

serene69

I am giving myself time!

I am addressing the issues that got me involved with this N in the first place, and I know a great deal of it was due to the fact my father was dying of cancer when we first met - and then died shortly after. So I know I clung onto this guy even though within a month I could tell something was not quite right. I'm 41 now and always before had wonderful relationships. Two that lasted 8 years, and both guys are great and I am good friends with both still. both ended amicably and it was just because we had grown apart in both instances. I know I never had issues in the past as never ever been involved in someone like this guy is. I have had a wonderful life so far, and I know I am lucky to have a great job, my own flat, a lively social life in London. I have a loving and supportive family and friends - and was unfortunate to meet the N six months ago. I'm certainly not going out there with my eyes wide shut! And I am not actively looking for someone else. but all i have been saying is that I will see how i feel as time goes on. I have a career anyway that involves lots of travelling and strange hours which keeps me busy most of the time anyway. All I have been saying is I am not putting a time on when i feel i will be ready to date again - I will just see when i feel i am ready. I dont want to at the moment as I am happy again to be single, as i do love being single too in many ways. I train for triathlons, make films and write as well so I never really stop! And at the moment I am able to indulge myself in these things in my spare time. I also feel like a huge black cloud has been lifted from me now the N has gone away - and i feel so much better than I did when I was involved with him. I know it takes time to heal from something like this, and I find day by day it gets easier - the longer I am no longer under his spell. But I am being cautious too - as I know this N got to me at a time when I was vunerable and it is an experience I will make sure i will never repeat.

#9 Feb 21 - 4PM (Reply to #28)

tasha

...

Good for you serene:)thats the way..it's just a common concern for survivors of these pyschopaths.

#10 Feb 21 - 4PM (Reply to #29)

serene69

tasha

Hey Tasha - thanks for your concern - I am glad we are all here for each other. I was lucky I think that although I was involved with this guy for around 6 months, we only actually met up around 6 times during that whole period. But we were in contact almost daily by email or text (partly because we live 2 hours away from each other and also because he always claimed he was soooo busy all the time it was hard for us to meet.) His lies were so completely over the top I could see through them all so quickly. Apparently he had so much money he didn't need to work, ran marathons etc (yet was fat and unfit) made films (like i do) but no evidence of that etc etc. His adoration phase with me was very short - and he was behaving so eratically early on that I could tell that something was not right only 2-3 months in. I will not tolerate someone trying to put me down, which he started to do early on. I think I was too much hard work for him! I am not boasting but I know I am v intelligent, I am fit with a good figure as I train all the time for races etc, and when I was with my N people would say i was beautiful in front of him (gosh he didnt like that) - so it was hard for him to devalue me really - far too tough a job! I am no way perfect, but certainly know that I am worth far more than to be treated like that. Yes I did develop feelings for him - such is their spell too - I felt like I had been hypnotised by him - so I was hurt, especially as it all ended in a very nasty way. So I know I need time to get over that before dating again. I count my blessings that I was not involved with him for longer than that time though - gosh I am thankful for that.

#11 Feb 21 - 5PM (Reply to #30)

tasha

serene

Yes they start with the 'love bombing' or idealization, then next thing you know your yesturdays news!!!And you wonder what you did wrong? Then they throw you away or discard you-without a second thought!! But hey...I now think REJECTION IS A GIFT!!I'm glad in a way he did those nasty things to me. Alot of things that needed to happen with me did. I'm a better person now...I worked through alot of things that I needed to. I'm over him. And look forward with my eyes wide open(sorry!)hehehe! I took my rose tinted glasses off! Good luck serene:)

#12 Feb 21 - 9PM (Reply to #32)

helpmefromn (not verified)

how long ..

did it take you to get over? he didn't idealize me, etc, because he is like a stone-- no expression, but I pulled something out of him even though I should have left it alone..

#13 Feb 21 - 7PM (Reply to #31)

serene69

tasha

Good luck to you too :)

#14 Feb 20 - 11PM

Barbara (not verified)

you're confusing things

NC is FOREVER these are NOT NORMAL PEOPLE... please keep reading the MY BLOG - the whole thing they use mind control, seductive hypnosis and so on - on us. It takes a MINIMUM of 18 months to deprogram and get over the betrayal trauma how would it be giving them more power when you're deprogramming and NC forever? It wouldn't. and WHO CARES! the WORST thing you can do is to start looking for or get into another relationship after a Narc or Socio/Psychopath. Work on YOU... get into therapy with a trauma counselor who GETS IT. http://ptsd.factsforhealth.org/help/searchclinic1.asp ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#15 Feb 21 - 9PM (Reply to #10)

where....

do you find the good-hearted, human males? They must be searching for us too...

#16 Feb 21 - 9PM (Reply to #11)

quietude (not verified)

michvegas

Hmmm, I've heard tales of such creatures, but I wonder if they exsist?? ;) Sorry, but my experience is that truly good men are few and far between!

#17 Feb 21 - 9PM (Reply to #17)

good men

They do exist...I have friends who were lucky to have one. My Dad is one & my Mom is blessed. No, they are not perfect, there are spats...but they have empathy & do care about their spouse. where to they look for women? Any ideas Barbara?

#18 Feb 21 - 10PM (Reply to #18)

Barbara (not verified)

one idea

I always encourage victims to GO VOLUNTEER go to Food Pantries and help pack go to a shelter and offer to take a dog for a walk get involved with reading to people in Nursing homes get involved with anything ALTRUISTIC Why? Narcs NEVER volunteer ...unless there's something in it for them. And once you've volunteered and helped people REALLY IN DEEP NEED... you can tell when someone, like a Narc, has an agenda. You may meet some Narcs volunteering but they don't stick around long. http://www.volunteermatch.org We have some members in DEEP NEED... anyone care to help? ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#19 Feb 21 - 10PM (Reply to #23)

I agree... I feel that it's

I agree... I feel that it's either volunteer, yoga or good friends. I am joining a friend on a walk for children next week. Good men with good hearts & bank accounts give back. My campaign is to keep my daughter 100%. He hates that I insist on e-mail as the ONLY contact. I had to unearth his first dog's ashes....

#20 Feb 21 - 10PM (Reply to #21)

MsVulcan500

Volunteering

Generally, I would agree with you on the volunteering. But my XN is (or was) volunteering at the local food bank. However, I know he did it so he could post on FB and tell people how he is helping the community and it feels so good to help others in need. Oh barf. He's retired and has nothing else to do all day. And he gives 4 hours a week out of his busy schedule. I also think he started because he liked the woman who was running the booth at the farmer's market and hoped he could work with her. So he is (or was) doing a good thing, but I'm still not going to give him any credit. :-) Now I don't know if he is still doing this or not, as I am in total NC mode. And it feels great! However, on a side note, I was in a car with friends today stopped at a red left arrow, and he pulled up and stopped next to us. I looked around in time to see his car pulling away, I don't think he saw me. He wouldn't have recognized the car I was in, and I was facing away from the window. I swear, 10 million red lights in this city and we are at the same one at the same time!

#21 Feb 21 - 11PM (Reply to #22)

quietude (not verified)

msvulcan

That's interesting because mine volunteered at times as well, helping troubled teens. He thought he was an authority apparently because he 'said' he left home as a young teen due to abusive father and was homeless for some time. That must have been triggering seeing him at the red light...what are the chances?? Sorry to hear it. Ugh, I am soooo delighted mine is thousands of miles away, and I hope he stays there! It would freak me out to see him, like the dead risen!

#22 Feb 21 - 10PM (Reply to #19)

serene69

Barbara is so right

I have not had the time to volunteer due to work, but what I try to do every day is to try not to take out my negative feelings on anyone else. I smile and chat to my neighbours rather than rushing past (they are good people so worth being good to!) I'm polite to the security guards/reception at work rather than ignoring them - shop assistants I am pleasant to (if they are doing their job well too!)At the gym I smile at people and chat to strangers (well not like a mad person, but you know what I mean :) Generally I try to be the opposite of what the N is - indeed doing anything altruist as Barbara says - at work help people when i dont have to etc etc . Even though at times I want to go out and shoot people and feel very short tempered, I find if I have had a good exchange with anyone it makes me feel so much better. I have called old friends that I neglected during my 6 months with my N and am arranging to meet up for lunch, a drink etc. It can be hard at times, especially on bad days, but if I try to plan ahead so I do not have too much time alone, then suddenly i find days have gone by without a bad day. It's taking each step at a time.

#23 Feb 21 - 11PM (Reply to #20)

Me too. He was checked out

Me too. He was checked out of the marriage years before he filed. I was in some ways too. I felt I was single mom for years!! He just wants to party & blow money--part time Dad is perfect for him. My daughter knows which parent plats & listens to her...and which one yells & demands. He's 46...with no investments, $100K in credit card debit. He is clinging to this "I'm a great Dad." mantra--and my daughter knows better. He HATES the fact that I will only deal with him via e-maiol. He is dying to have me meet him face-to-face. I feel if he cannot put it in an email, then something is fishy. His Mom thinks he's God....

#24 Feb 21 - 9PM (Reply to #12)

serene69

michvegas and quietude

There are truly good men out there. I had two 8 year relationships before my N that were wonderful and I have no bitterness or anything from those. I am still good friends with both. You may then ask why I am not with either of them??!! Well the first was my first ever boyfriend. I met him when I was 19 and we stayed together until our late twenties. We just kind of drifted apart as we got older, and realised we were different to what we had been when we were teenagers. So we mutually agreed to end it. My second 8 year relationship - the man I married - it was quite similar again. We wanted different things, he wanted to return to his home country australia too and i did not want to leave europe. But we are still in contact on email (split a year ago) and maybe we might get back together. I don't know - he is coming back here in the summer. I think my experience with both of these lovely men made me realise early on that my N was not right, that the relationship did not feel right. Most of my friends are male too (i work in sport so it is dominated by men) and most of them are lovely. So I know there are plenty of good men out there - we were all unfortunate to have got hooked by narcissists. Do have faith, I promise you :)

#25 Feb 21 - 11PM (Reply to #15)

Kelly

Faith in men

Haha. . . I have yet to date a real one! serene69 - You sound like you are pretty together ;) I'm in my last year of my twenties and I don't want to waste it on another guy who doesn't care about me. I'm still figuring myself out, why have I been wasting my time trying to figure out the creeps I've been dating? My first relationship was a good one, but it's just been an emotional roller coaster for me for a long time. It's been really ugly. I have anxiety anyway, it's just been really stressful and depressing. My family and friends put a lot of pressure on me to date and to find my "Jewish Prince Charming." Apparently, my life is meaningless unless I have children and a husband, so for me to decide NOT to date, is pretty bold. I'm finding it kind of empowering actually. Maybe it's all a step towards maturity for me. Hopefully, by the time I'm in my forties, I'll be much more secure within myself.

#26 Feb 21 - 11PM (Reply to #16)

serene69

narcmagnet

Maybe I am pretty together but I still got conned by the crock of shite that is my ex N. But I have been lucky too never to have had any pressure to meet anyone, or to meet any particular type. My parents were very proud that I was very academic and a high achiever - and they have always let me do what I want - and have accepted the decisions I have taken in my life (as long as obviously they were not decisions that could have harmed me). I still find it all very hard though, to think of that wasted emotional energy, and the fact I have been called such vile names and been treated like dirt by someone that I had real feelings for. But I know that was him, sorry IT, and I know not all men are like that. I have learnt a great deal too about myself from this experience - and at 41 I am a very different person to the person I was ten or so years ago. It is an emotional rape - and I do feel some of my innocence has gone for good, as I never knew such 'people' existed before. But I know I can be strong and get through it. I know I am the good person and he is not - I heard all the stories about his from his ex partner and it is horrible, so disgusting what he gets away with - what ALL these men do and I do so hope they get their come uppance one day.

#27 Feb 21 - 9PM (Reply to #14)

quietude (not verified)

I'm always glad to hear...

...the good stories, and happy for anyone who has a solid relationship. Personally, I don't know if I ever will trust enough again to go there. I could possibly see casual dating. It's interesting, maybe even sad how I can now relate to people who are terrified of commitment!

#28 Feb 21 - 9PM (Reply to #13)

I hope so...even my divorce

I hope so...even my divorce atty noted that I had not been in a relationship with a man that was nice to me. He pegged my exN from the get-go.

#29 Feb 21 - 12AM (Reply to #2)

nycsurvivor

Obviously, NC is forever.

That goes without saying. I have no problems walking away, and doing NO CONTACT. My point about giving them more power does *not* relate to going NC with the narcissist. My point is why should we deprived by removing ourselves from the dating population for 18 months because of what they SUBJECTED us to. THAT is giving them more power. Time. Time we could have spent meeting and finding someone else. When you're in your late 30s, and you would like to have a baby at some point, I do not have time to wait 18 months to date. Why should I put my life on hold? Yes, work on me, but I did not have these issues prior to meeting this person. A lot of it is due to this person's presence in my life. When you remove the presence, shouldn't most of the issues disappear?

#30 Feb 21 - 12PM (Reply to #8)

agnesmurphy17

Caution

From what I have learned in life. When one has had a significant trauma, but not really recovered, another emotional blow can trigger a greater reaction than necesary for the present disappointment. So, true, nothing cures a broken heart better than a new love. But, what if the new love fails? The fall out from that could be greater. Also, a relationship with a patholigical is like no other. The interaction, if for some duration, can actually alter the way a person feels about herself in relation to others. There is an erosion of identity occuring at the hands of a pathological. I think Barbara & other therapists suggest a long & solid break so as to recover a part of one's own self--to define oneself alone, not in relation to another . . . which a relationship with a significant other is--two become one. Once one is really strong in oneself, one can make better decisions. Also, in a sexual relationship, there is some chemical stuff going on. Sometimes it can take up to two years to stop feeling those "love" feelings which are really "lust." There is a difference between love & lust. But sometimes not. It's all so difficult. Of course, it's your life & your destiny. You call all the shots. Just be cautious. Especially as you have really suffered at the hands of that monster. You may be a bit needy right now. Some bad man may just be able to exploit your neediness.

#31 Feb 21 - 3PM (Reply to #9)

Barbara (not verified)

ask yourself

Do you want to take YOUR emotional damaged goods and make someone else tolerate what you just said was untolerable from someone else who was emotionally unavailable. 18 months is 18 months for you. Being in a relationship should not be a goal but a process. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

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