Puzzle's story

I wanted to share my story with other people, I feel like if I keep it inside me any longer I will go insane. Friends don't understand that it is not a normal breakup and therefore can't really begin to give advice. They don't know that not only are we all dealing with a breakup but are trying to do so with what many years of abuse has instilled upon us. Making this path forward so much harder to fathom.

I met my N about 5 years ago. I had been in a bad place for about a year following a breakup. I was lost and low. I would like to mention that my previous relationships were both very normal with lovely men who treated me well.

I met my N by mistake out one night, he was gorgeous, tall, stunning, charasmatic and did not come across as sleazy, but kind, gentle and charasmatic. He chased me as I was over men at that stage. We met up a few times and would always have so much fun together. He awakened something inside of me that lay dormant. I took risks with him, did crazy things, explored the darker parts of my personality. I was confident and he made me feel alive and young (I guess I was only 22 at the time). For the past 5 years our sex life has remained amazing with so much chemistry, something that often died after a year in my other relationships.

We travelled and lived overseas together, and for years he messed me around, hot and cold behaviour that would drive me to the point of insanity. I never knew what was going on between us, I always felt like he could slip away at any moment, and I was always perfecting myself for him, never feeling like I was enough to keep him.

I dreaded losing him, to the point I changed the way I dressed, behaved and worked out at the gym like a crazy woman.

I trusted him, and we dated for years, all along it was one drama after another, I seemed to thrive on the fear. I always wondered if it was healthy love I felt for him, or fear....and admiration of how powerful and carefree he was.

I started to realise there was something very wrong with him when he would never show remorse for the mean things he said or did to me. He could be as cold as ice, and often used gas lighting....(something I only just realised had a term for the crazyness I was feeling)

He would dump me, tell me he did not want a serious relationship and soon after would reel me back in. He often denied the awful and abusive things he would say to me, and would turn them around on me. He hated weakness and if I ever sought his support he would accuse me of being needy, negative or a drama queen. I soon learnt that I could not share anything with him that required he act in return with love and compassion.

He often would put me down, only to build me back up again. Something I have read as being a common narcissitic trait.

I recently ended things, after yet again I did nothing wrong, yet was yelled at like a 5 year old, swore at and was dealt the silent treatment for 3 weeks (something that he did often). He would make the smallest things into the most lenghty dramas. He would project everything he did on to me and blame me for it.

I recently found out he was signing up to online dating sites and when confronted he told me that I was a psycho and that he set the account up to catch me snooping on him. He declared his innocence and that I was the one who was "caught". Considering it was not the first time I caught him on online dating I knew not to believe a word he was saying. Last time I caught him he denied the whole thing and said it was when we were not together, even though I checked the date the account was made and we were.

I took him back, stupid I know....but I just wanted to believe him. I couldn't cope with the fact that the relationship was an illusion, and one-sided at that.

He told me he loved me in the first year when I became powerful and independent and soon when we returned home from overseas he said that we should only use those words for special occasions. Well, I never heard those words again for 3 years.

When confronted with me asking how he felt about me after I caught him on online dating he only offered me "You should know how I feel about you" and accused me of fishing for compliments.

He would often be wonderful, caring and generous, this is what would make me stay. But with the flick of a switch he would deal me a barrage of abuse, and often call me a bitch, drama queen, non assertive, wench and a retard. He would deny saying these things when later confronted or tell me I deserved it.

I am an extremely low maintenance girl. My friends often tell me I am so laid back I am lying down, yet he would make me feel like the most demanding girlfriend. He said I was hard work, even though I always gave him free time and pursued my own social life. I became increasingly independent because the relationship failed when I became too clingy or needy.

I recently told him how I did not appreciate his crazy moods and how he acts so hot and cold and that after almost 5 years I was sick of it. I felt like I was exhausted from the drama and being treated like a yoyo. I have no self-esteem and went from being a strong, confident and level headed person to a deflated, insecure shadow of my former self.
He made me this way, yet he only 'loved' the strong me, and that is who he would chase. Once he had weakened me I was discarded. If things were going badly in my life, he would want nothing to do with me.

After I confronted him, he sent me a text double dumping me. He told me he has had enough of my incessant whingeing, negativity and behaviour and that someone else can put up with my shit, because he is done. He said he has never been mean to me and that I am a complete bitch.

He actually believes he has done nothing wrong, and all of the mean things he said to me he thinks are justified.

I hate the fact that he calls me a drama queen, because he is the biggest drama queen. He could say mean stuff to me and I would forgive him. If I ever questioned where the relationship was heading he would punish and ignore me for weeks.

I have recently realised that he is a total narcissist and that it is not me. He will never love me or anyone else for that matter. If I stay with him I will without a doubt probably throw myself off a bridge. I don't know why I have stayed with him for so long, but finally at 27, I've had enough.

Now I can put a name to his behaviour I see him differently. I look at him as a creature and not a person. Anything he did that was nice I realise was to validate himself. He was purely selfish and evil. He is a compulsive liar and a good one at that. I realise now I am not crazy but the victim of abuse and evil.

I recently was given work at his place of occupation and have had to work with him following the breakup. He often uses his position of power to undermine me. Just last week he told me off infront of colleagues and my class. Then the next day he came up to me and told me what a great job I am doing. The old me would have fallen for the trap....now I just look at his confusing behaviour as crazy. It is like he has a multiple personality.

I hate working with him and I know he is trying to use his position of authority to dominate me, but now I see him for the creep he is. It is not only me who sees this, but his colleagues believe he is arrogant and that there is something missing.

I can't wait until I can walk away from this job and be free from him.

I still miss his company and wonder where my nice boyfriend went, but then realise it was all an act and he never existed.

It is such a reality to face that I am often overcome with grief and nausea. None of my friends really understand except the ones who have been in abusive relationships and I just feel like I am in this alone. I am so glad that there are other people who know what I feel and who will actually believe me.

It has been about 5 weeks now that everything with the N fell to pieces it was like watching a disaster unfold in slow motion.

I now wakeup every morning feeling alone, feeling like my life has been stolen from me. I just don't even know where to begin. One minute I hate him and feel sick at the sight of him and then the other I miss him and want my old life back. Sick I know! I just hate this uncertainty. It is not only my relationship that is effected by this but my career.

Any advice would be appreciated.I just want to rebuild and feel like a person again, instead of a shell. I want to feel alive again. I feel like I am just trying to get by. Sometimes it feels like a terrible dream that you just can't wakeup from. Gee this sounds dramatic....but I just don't know how else to describe it.