Promises of Change

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#1 Sep 15 - 10PM
emtg
emtg's picture

Promises of Change

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting but talking to my family and friends doesn't seem to be nearly as helpful as reading the feelings and thoughts of people going through these experiences. I don't know who I am anymore and I can't seem to get a hold on reality or what I want.

I was with my N (or who I believe to be just that) for a year, got engaged, and things began taking a turn. It was slow at first and I blamed it on various things; I was planning a wedding and he was starting a business and he convinced me it was all my anxiety about getting married that led to the change in our relationship. Yet it felt like the closer the wedding came, the farther he went. I almost called it off. I didn't. It was a fairytale wedding in every sense of the word followed by blissful honeymoon. We were back three weeks and had a fight that led to the worst month of my life. Emotional abuse and cruelty and physical and emotinonal withdrawal that led to me having a nervous breakdown and my family coming out to mop up the pieces. It was such a drastic change I barely recognized him. Everything I did or said seemed to irritate him. Everything I did was wrong or pushed him "two steps back" into silence. He neglected me, the house and the dog. He began to deplete finances. I kicked him out.

I talked to a therapist and he mentioned narcissistic personality disorder and I began to read everything on the subject and it was like suddenly the last two years of my life made sense.

We have been living apart for three months now and I finally mustered the strength to tell him I want a divorce. No therapy, no talks, just a divorce. He is begging me to reconsider, promising me that all will be different now and he has gone to therapy and will never do any of those things again.

He is even saying the words that I have never heard him say while living together: "I am so sorry"

Have people experienced this same pattern and gone back? Does it always work out the same in the end? I know in my gut that I should keep walking away and I'm trying but the pain is so intense and I want to believe him but it doesn't seem real.

Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated

Sep 17 - 7PM
emtg
emtg's picture

Of course another lie

A couple days ago I asked if they ever change and got amazing responses and yet another wake up call to not go back. Here is yet ANOTHER ONE. The guy who married us is my n's "best friend." He actually is truly a very decent and nice person. ANyway, this guy emailed us both because he hadn't heard from us since the wedding and I asked N if he responded and he said "yes,I told him what was going on and we talked about it." UM I THEN EMAILED THE GUY to say thank you for everything, sorry about what happened and that I would always cherish memories with him. HE REPLIED THAT HE HAD NEVER TALKED TO HIM - NEVER HEARD FROM HIM, HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT! How is he still lying? WHat is this? He would rather risk lying to me at this time then be honest with his "best friend" I feel like throwing up. The last two years of my life have been a lie -- In the same breath that he tells me everything will be different, he is lying to me. It is repulsive.
Sep 16 - 2PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

They don't change

I dated this man for a couple of years who was getting a divorce from his wife, who told me that he was a terrible husband and not to stay with him. Anyway, he treated me like crap for the 2 years and I finally stopped seeing him. A year later he comes over to my house and get's down and his hands and knee's crying, staying he had been to a therapist, and realized that he loved me and was so sorry for all that he had put me through. I was so over him at that point that it was all I could do not to laugh, not to be mean, but because the entire thing just struck me as completely far fetched, that anyone could change to this extent. It was like night and day basically. I never got back with him, and he hoovered quite a bit and within a relatively short period of time, it became crystal clear to me that there was no change. You have a great opportunity to get out of this once and for all without wasting years with this man. Take this chance and look at it as a Godsend. I say, get the divorce and run like hell and don't look back. He has already shown you who is was, believe it, what you are seeing now is the manipulation phase to suck you back in, don't take the bait. God bless, Goldie
Sep 16 - 1PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Don't Look Back!

Your family & friends support your decision to divorce. This says something. THEY are not attached to him although they knew him for two years. The same happened with me. Everybody knew there was something with the guy. Perfect in public & on paper. But something "cold" or reserved or judgmental. I think he was different with me than with them. Anyhow, I too have a similar story. Married after six months of perfection. And I mean IMMEDIATELY after the marriage Mr. Hyde emerged. At one year I knew something was wrong. I would have left if I had family nearby. I told nobody & kept it a secret. I stayed another 18 months "working on the marriage." My regret is I stayed those months. Also, mine had the family therapist totally snookered. This happens frequently. And therapy assigns blame 50-50. Perfect for an abuser who is 90-95% responsible for everything. Therapy with an abuser is dangerous for the victim. And I hardly imagine you & hubby sit in therapy and discuss what occurred as HIS ABUSE. Mine didn't. When I finally told my family & friends what was happening 2 years & 4 months into the marriage -- they all told me to leave. I would have tried even more. But my mother insisted that I go to a lawyer. I suffered so much from PTSD & I was so shattered, I did what I was told. And I knew that if I went back--all my friends would be shaking their heads. Mine made it easy. He replaced me the day I left. Another story. Your's is only interested in reconciling because he has nothing else to replace you (yet). And about change. Why should he change? All along it was all YOUR FAULT (I have no doubt). He says now as a last ditch effort he will change because that's what is needed to get you to stay. And it's working. You hesitate. If you go back--the abuse will increase. I promise you. Mr. Hyde is the true person & you saw glimmers of him before the marriage. If the relationship is so gutted after two years, there is no place else to go but divorce. Already in a therapists office? Really. Marriage is hard enough without the first few years being generally happy & positive experiences (i.e. approx. 4 happy events to 1 unhappy event). My marriage was loaded with unhappy & abusive episodes, and a few happy moments. The longer one stays the rarer the happy times become. And even in the happy times, I walked on eggs waiting for my next omission or commission to trigger him into an abusive episode. Eventually I realized that everything I did was done out of fear. I lived in fear. The home should be a place of refuge & for an abused woman it is a place of danger & fear & stress. I don't know if he co-owns the house. If he does, it may be difficult to lock him out. But, if you file for a divorce there may be a way to keep him out. They do drop by just to exert control. And if he's a true narcissist, get a good lawyer because a N will wipe you out financially when he realizes the game is up & there is nothing more to extract from you. Then you will see the real man--Mr. Hyde. They can be monsters in a divorce going for the kill & every material possession.
Sep 16 - 12PM
emtg
emtg's picture

THANK YOU THANK YOU for the

THANK YOU THANK YOU for the kind words of encouragement and reality check - it seems like every time I get a grasp on reality and think, "oh wait - this is completely insane and why would I every put up with this shit?," I have some minimal setback or conversation with him that sends me back into a pathetic mess on the floor of confusion and self-doubt. I can tell my friends and family are confused at where I went and why I'm not just walking away. The other night, he actually JUST CAME IN THE HOUSE USING A KEY UNANNOUNCED. These honest and straightforward post are so helpful right now. The truth of it and the similar stories is eerie at times (especially the weird sexual stuff and power struggle and withholding sex as punishment) and lately, the only thing that is keeping me staying strong. Our marriage therapist has a lot more faith in his intentions and ability to change, and usually, I trust therapists implicitly but I just feel like she doesn't understand what it is like in private. noone does. Thanks again Erica
Sep 16 - 3PM (Reply to #9)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Therapist's Belief

Sorry. But if the therapist did not believe in his ability to change -- could she conscience taking your money? If she says he's an abuser & unlikely to change & only to cause you grief -- *poof* there goes her fee. I am cynical. My experience of "family therapy" really made me see things differently. I was only further abused. My N was there just laughing away; it was more hoop-jumping where he was pulling the shots, playing the devastared man so scared his wife was leaving him. Therapist lapped it up. Going to the session & leaving the session he was a B**TARD! But to her face, a misunderstood victim. Frankly. I knew what was going on. And I was plotting my escape. I was in a state of suspension at the time. In denial & in hope that my marriage & all I had invested emotionally & financially could be saved. One the other hand, I was slowly realizing that the man most likely suffered from a Cluster-B personality disorder. I knew he was dangerous & I was afraid of him, so I played along with his therapy whim knowing that he was using this therapy to try to control me. But believing that he was disordered was too horrible to believe. And I thought I was both crazy & paranoid--feelings of craziness are PTSD symptoms. In the end, I was contacted by my replacement. And I contacted his first ex-wife. I learned that he is more than a narcissist. Mine's a psychopath. Almost everthing he said to me & to my replacement was a lie. All three of us sat down together & compared our stories! One cannot fathom the layer-upon-layer of deceit some highly successful people operate upon. It's horrifying. Some little family therapist was no match for my ex-husband.
Sep 16 - 3PM (Reply to #10)
emtg
emtg's picture

Yes! I feel like she keeps

Yes! I feel like she keeps trying to treat my "anxiety" and ptsd like symptoms. Dealing with MY ISSUES from childhood. It is hard - because I DO HAVE MY ISSUES -- abandonment, rejections, child of divorce whatever. So I have been wiling to look at that. But I can't accept that this is just "how are issues interact" of course. Every time I try to discuss his disorder or my thoughts or feelings about abuse, I "am focusing on him rather than me" which she says is my problem and being controlling. Feel like I"m going crazy. Speaking of PTSD symptoms, I keep having flashes of various things, of both "good times" and bad - it is like I am reliving everything - but this time I see it more clearly. It is daily. Actually, it is every hour. What do you do to stop this? Is there anything? Again, thank you all for replying. This is the best I've felt in weeks.
Sep 15 - 10PM
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

You have an opportunity

right now, to free yourself. I hope to God you do. What you outlined is so typical personality disordered. It's all SO TYPICAL. Yep, he's also doing the typical begging, I'm going to therapy, I won't do it again, blah blah blah.... If you go back, you WILL WILL WILL be repeating history with him. He'll "change" for a few weeks, maybe even a few months, but that is ALL. Abusive men don't just "change". It takes YEARS for an abusive man to change, if he ever does and most won't and it's a guarantee that a personality disordered one never will. He lied to you, manipulated you, gave you the love bombing tactics and then turned it around on you as soon as the deal was sealed. I can't emphasize enough how LUCKY You are to have recognized this early on. I realize how utterly painful this is, but if you don't get out NOW, while you understand what's going on, you're goign to have YEARS more of this. He has you addicted to him. You have been BLESSED to see the light, but if you go back, he WILL WILL WILL Do it again and the abuse will be WORSE because he knows you're willing to TAKE IT. It will NEVER get better. EVER. I hope you continue to move through the divorce. DO NOT let him talk to you. Walk away while you have the chance. Make your life yours again and be with a man who is WORTHY of you. He is one hundred percent MINDFUCKING YOU!
Sep 15 - 10PM
Layla
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3 Words- TRUST YOUR GUT!!

Why hello! First of all, welcome to the forum I am glad to know you my name is Layla. I am 3 months No Contact from my abuser N/ASPD husband who I have been with for 8 years. This is my LAST time having to get an order of protection because you see my dear, I am DONE with him. NO. They DO NOT CHANGE. No. They NEVER GET BETTER. EVER. I took mine back many times. Three of those times I had an order of protection. It gets worse EVERY time you take them back. Yes, allow me to repeat, it gets WORSE every time you take them back. We are NOT talking about MY husband here so don't mistake me....I am using HIM as an example because I have experienced PD relationship first hand.....we are talking about ALL narcissists, and ALL personality disordered individuals. Please, don't think your situation is different, and that he is truly sorry. Disordered ones will say and do ANYTHING to get their supply back. They only break things off with you on THEIR terms if they can help it. Very Important for you to read: http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/08/03/reconciling-with-a-psychopath-the-dangerous-lure-of-the-honeymoon-phase/ Please know- YOU are one smart cookie...YOU took the bull by the horns straitaway and are separated from this guy.....I want you to know how happy I am for you and proud of your courage....right after getting married too....I am sure you are traumatized, and distraught...for this I am so sorry for you....please, read the link I have posted for you, and know this is the beginning of the rest of your life....do NOT go back to this guy and start a family.....just read from women with children on this board...you do not want to expose innocent little ones to a childhood of horrors. All good blessings to you from me! Stay strong! love~ Layla
Sep 15 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

AMEN

Layla!!! You said it SO MUCH BETTER! BTW, I'm so sorry you find yourself here, BUT, you could not have come to a better place! GOD BLESS YOU!
Sep 15 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
Layla
Layla's picture

Are you kidding me Sun?

I thought YOU DID! Hahaha! When we speak TRUTH, it ALWAYS comes out great! ; ) Layla
Sep 15 - 11PM (Reply to #6)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Layla

Um, sometimes I say it too harsh, I think. I need to work on that :)
Sep 15 - 11PM (Reply to #5)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Layla

Um, sometimes I say it too harsh, I think. I need to work on that :)
Sep 22 - 4AM
How could I
How could I's picture

So sorry honey, but...

So sorry honey, but ..... Most likely - he is NOT going to change. My N has promised no more lies, over and over and over again. Why do I keep thinking then next time it will be different, when it isn't? Please don't make the same mistakes that I have made!!! You deserve sooooo much better!!!