Projection

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#1 Mar 23 - 8AM
CougarBabe7
CougarBabe7's picture

Projection

Hi everyone,

As research for my book, I'd like to know how many of you have exNarcs who projected. My exBorderline used to do it all the time. Examples:

"You never do anything nice for someone out of the kindness of your heart. Every nice thing you do comes with a string attached. You only do it so that you can get something back for yourself."

"You're a gold-digger."

and

"Ever since I put that ring on your finger, you flipped on me."

I remember wondering WHERE in the world he came up with these crazy ideas about me because I knew in my heart that none of them were true & that he couldn't be further from the truth. After finding out about BPD and projection, I was like "AHA!!!"

So I was just wondering how many of you had to deal with projection in your toxic relationships. Thanks for your input.

Love & Light! ♥

Mar 23 - 3PM
OnlyChild49 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

More Projection!!

Three things I remember being told: I'm walking on eggshells all the time. You are being verbally abusive. I'm twisting myself into a pretzel trying to get along with you. I'm sure there were more, but that's all I can remember at the moment. If I knew then what I know now, I would have paid more attention because he was actually saying what was happening to me. P.S. He was a TERRIBLE driver. I use to hang onto my seat. He was pulled over once (I was with him) as he was all over his lane and the cop thought he had been drinking. No, it's just the way he drove. Also, He didn't pay attention, ate his cereal or drank coffee while using his knees to steer and/or talked constantly!! Yikes!!
Mar 23 - 3PM
CougarBabe7
CougarBabe7's picture

Thank You

Thanks everyone. I wasn't sure if it was a mostly Borderline behavior or if the Narcs did it too. Guess I got my answer. Now I know to put the projection thing under the "common behaviors" heading in my book. Mine used to call me "needy" as well. It's so damn confusing when you're the target of their projections and you're sitting there completely clueless & wondering where this stuff is coming from. I'm constantly doing nice things for others, for no other reason than the simple joy it gives me to help someone out. Yet here was my exB stating that I only did things for others because I wanted them to "owe me" something. I was like, what??? Why on earth would he think THAT about me??? Once I started reading my books about BPD and found out what projection was, a whole lot of things started making sense. Thanks again for your input. Much appreciated! Love & Light! ♥
Mar 23 - 1PM
terri
terri's picture

Here are some that I used to hear

"You have ice water running through your veins" "You have real anger issues" "You have no ability to emphathize" (After careful reflection, I'm sure that this is what he had been told by his many ex's) "You are completely self-centered - it's all about YOU" "You are a piece of shit" "You are a drama queen" "You are such a ball-buster - you just keep coming at me and don't know when to stop" Well, those a but a few of the lovely things I used to hear. Amazing, too, that I've NEVER heard any of these things from ANYONE ELSE ever in my life. Life only gets happier and easier when you go NC!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

Mar 23 - 12PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Projection

Calling me bi-polar when I think he was something and knew he was something but unfortunately the only diagnosis they know in the rooms is bi-polar... OH! I remember whe I hijacked his cellphone, he tracked me down and showed up like one a.m. and looked either crazy or like he was on crack or cocaine...scared the beejeebies out of me and note - he allegedly was clean for 18 years...I of course was very calm - at a friends house he called me downstaris and went into what I guess is/was "NARC RAGE" I had never seen it before and there I was very calm as I didn't want him to knock the crap outta me and it seemed that this was some monster I had never seen before - he never hit me never threatened, never raged, never called me names...and here he is ranting and raving saying he should punch me in my face *this was because I suspected he was involved in a DL/homosexual affair - that's why I kept the phone...and he had the nerve to ask me..."ARE YOU HIGH?" NOW I don't do drugs, never did do drugs...on occasion, I might have a beer or some wine, I don't get DRUNK often either...and I mean that...I am a social drinker...it just kinda shook me...the ARE U HIGH only because if he suspected I was drinking - which clearly I wasn't I would think he'd ask: ARE YOU DRUNK rather than ARE YOU HIGH?...so yea, I think that was definately a projection... I remember screaming at times to him: You're projecting! But I guess I was determined not to absorb it so I don't remember, but yes, I was aware of that and gaslighting and I remember calling him on it...so funny though how I can't remember the darn details!....hmmmm I know towards the end, it was like all this sickness he had unraveled...it was nowhere apparant at first except for the "red flags" of situations that I accepted which were stoopid because they were the "classic" story of what you end up with when you go messing where you shouldn't...but in tems of the really sick narc like abuse...not apparant until the end but at the same time I do feel it was a slow stealth campaign and only now am I really noticing how much I may have even blocked. It is funny as I've read that victims of this kind of abuse find themselves unable to articulate and that really was a challenge for me in the beginning as I knew I was left a shell, I knew I was traumatized, in fact, I was diagnosed, but could not for the life of me articulate the details as well as I should have been able to. I couldn't say...he hit me or curse me or did any particular thing...I just know I snapped...I believe he stole my dustpan now this sounds silly but it's not...it's gaslighting...
Mar 23 - 12PM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Oh yes, if projection were an

Oh yes, if projection were an art form, that would have been one of xnh's mediums. Xnh convinced me, at one point, that I had serious anger issues and need counseling for it...while he was raging at me daily. He was repeatedly telling me such 'tender, loving' things as "maybe I'll just beat the sh*t out of you until you divorce me" or "Why don't you go ahead and just die" because I have serious health problems. *I* supposedly had anger issues, but most of that out of control rage somehow seemed to come from xnh. lol. He frequently accused me that instead of going out for lunch with other people from work, I was "f*cking everyone in the lab". Most of my co-workers are male because I work in a male dominated field - there are exactly THREE women working with me out of over 100 people. The odds are really high that if I go to lunch (for food) with a co-worker, it will be a male. This projection was made by xnh, who cheated on me on several occasions that I know about (and one of them was with a female co-worker). I NEVER cheated on xnh even once. If anyone in our marriage was "f*cking everyone in the lab", it was xnh. Xnh told me on many occasions that I was SUCH a liar. I just lie all the time (according to him). This projection was frequently made by xnh because I had caught him lying (again) about something. My personal favorite was when he told me that he wouldn't be home for my birthday on time because he "had to work late". Then when I got his cell phone bill, he'd been hanging on the phone with, what I found out later, was his OW for those hours. This was during exactly the same time period that xnh had told me he had to "work late". Poor baby. He must have suffered horribly while he worked so hard, and I'm sure he was absolutely riddled with grief over ruining my day. Not. But *I* am such a liar. rofl. He, also, liked to tell me that I'm "irresponsible" and "immature". Thus, spoken by a narc who recently "impulse purchased" an expensive house in a ritzy neighborhood, and who possesses the emotional level of about a two-year old. Xnh's childish behavior was unreal. At one point in our marriage, xnh badgered and bullied me endlessly for months because I would not consent to buying a $55,000 Saline Ford Mustang that he'd seen at a car dealer. Never mind that the two of us together could not have afforded the payment. However, *I* am immature and irresponsible. :) The list of xnh's projections are endless. I could probably fill an entire book myself with examples.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Mar 23 - 12PM
divorcedfromevil
divorcedfromevil's picture

This is great therapy!

My exnh used to (and still) says things like: - you and your family are not happy unless you're fighting: his mother hasn't spoken to one of her sisters in like 20 years, and his father doesn't talk to his brother in WI like 15 years for some long forgotten arguement. Oh! and neither one of exnh's brother can stand him, so always fighting! - I know how to take care of my son, I am not unstable like you: He has not had more than 1 night alone with the kids in 2 1/2 years, and even then ignores them and drags them on dates! Hasn't held a job in over 2 years, no income, sponges off OW, - you are crazy: I think this one speaks for itself! His attorney is just as bad, even my attorney's office says they have had to deal with her before and she is a lying b**** - so he found one just like him!
Mar 23 - 12PM
It'sAllAboutMeNow (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Like a pro..

My exN projected like a pro. I never understood where it came from either. - You're so selfish. All you think about is yourself. (this is us just sitting around hanging out, not fighting) - Mother of the year award goes to... (he would tease me for letting my son sleep next to me. i wonder if this was deep routed from ideas about his mom) - You love to wear tight clothes and get attention. (mind you, I wore leggings and such things but I never showed cleavage or anything.) I know there's more but I just can't seem to remember. It's funny how when away from them we remember the good and the bad seems to fade. Such a curse!!!
Mar 23 - 11AM
B
B's picture

Oh yes my N is a pro at

Oh yes my N is a pro at projection. Before I knew what it was I was always confused why he would say things about me that clearly weren't true. Examples: "You are a terrible driver" In reality I'm an excellent driver but he isn't. He would grab me inappropriately and no matter how many times I would tell him I don't like it he would insist I do. "Why are you so angry?" When I wasn't even the least bit mad. Foods and music I expressed disliking he would say over and over again that I do like them. Craziness!!
Mar 23 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

he would say "youre so needy

he would say "youre so needy " .. thats a bleeding joke and took me along time to get over that one because at the end i was needy and in despair due to trauma bonding so it had an element of truth to it , but ... but he was the needy one as everything was about the relationship was about what HE NEEDED , i bent over backwards to try and fullfill his ever changing needs ,never once did he ask me what i needed . He would also say "im turing to help you with youre problems " HA again thats a joke he has more problems than i could shake a stick at . He would tell me i was a rubbish driver but he couldnt drive lol But most of the projection happend with out specific words or phrases , the projection came from his self loathing projected onto me . He would also make assumtions on what i would say or do in certain situations and he would tell me what i was thinking which was so far from what i was thinking i would be amazed at how little he knew me but he wouldnt believe me if i told him i wasnt thinking that .. very strange ..and after a while soul destroying . Projection is a really weired thing to happen to you , after a while of nc it becomes much clearer but he calling me needy was so damaging as when i left him and i was in need of help from my friends i didnt reach out for fear that everyone thought i as "needy " . i really hate him for this xx
Mar 23 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
BAW
BAW's picture

Ditto

Ditto on the terrible driver and the angry thing. So weird. I also got : • Your family does nothing but make fun of each other in a mean way (so untrue - I have a fun strangely functional family and he only has his narc mom) • You never want to do anything/go anywhere There's probably more, but this projection thing is so nonsensical I think my brain may have filtered it out!
Mar 23 - 12PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

cougarbabe7

I never knew what the term projection meant when I was still going with the man but after 2 years out I sure know all about it.He would throw names at me like slut, whore, advertising on the internet for free sex and although I was never any of those things, he was the slut and whore, I doubt if he advertised on the internet, as he was fairly computer illiterate, far worse than me.He was also good at trying tio make me self conscience, saying things like I had a sway back, who cares and who notices, I have a good figure, irregardless, or that I mumbled, like he was perfect, he was so blubbery for a long time until he finally starting to exercise. He once said it looked like my butt was widening, which as we all know as we age we do change shape somewhat, and I actually called him on that one for a change and mentioned his gut, he got all indignant, and never said another word about my butt!Oh on e more, he told me i could only wear this cute short around him and it was suited for a woman 'my age', who the hell is he?