Problems with our fathers

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#1 Mar 30 - 12PM

Arwen

Problems with our fathers

I had issues of abuse in the form of prescrip drug addiction with my father, physical abuse, neglect and some sexual abuse as well from him. I am wondering how many of us have dealt with this particular issue on these boards. Thank you for being in the discussion...these boards have already helped me tremendously.

#2 Apr 1 - 6AM

kizzy72

for me

Yes there were problems but more of feelings of abandonment. My mom divorced my dad and he took it out on me. He was cold, always placed me last on the list, didn't listen to me, was very abrasive with me, i couldn't confide in him without him ridiculing me all the time and he was verbally aggressive and very impatient. I had been sexually abused by a cousin, which my mom knew about and my brother and i thought i my dad knew, but my brother didn't acknowledge it or did my dad but what happened was the perpetrator who molested me had been fired from his job as a teacher because he was accused of fondling some of his pupils, so my dad called me asking me about him, but basically did a "Generals Daughter" on me and told me not to worry about it and don't say anything because the family didn't need to know, which hurt me like hell. He and many others in my family sweep things under the rug even at the expense of my feelings.

#3 Mar 31 - 11PM

lisalisa47

Just a question stemming from this post and my earlier reply...

Have any of you on this board EVER had a dad or other father figure "speak" inappropriately to you over the years when you were a child? And, if so, do you think this maimed you in some way? I am curious as my current "unblocking" of how i felt uncomfortable around my dad has led me to research this type of "linguistic molestation" but i havent found any specific answers....

LML

#4 Apr 1 - 1AM (Reply to #15)

Arwen

Yes...read my post LOVE HURTS

smiling as I read your post because I was the victim of real impropriety from my father. He said things both covertly sexual and not so covertly that were not always aimed at me, but, if you are a child and your dad says "wow look at the ass on that woman" and you are in the room, he has just right then and there sexualized you. End of story. In fact it is clinically a form of incest!

#5 Apr 1 - 10AM (Reply to #17)

lisalisa47

patience goal...thank you!

Good Morning, and know that I will comment more later as I have to go to work soon....But i really am looking forward to your insight, as this has been the cause of my "guilt" for not knowing WHY i never really wanted to hang out with my parents - after all, they were WONDERFUL to us kids all our lives. What makes it particularly hard right now is my mom has alzheimers and is not doing well, and all i seem to do is cry lately....(blah blah blah) lol...anyway, i will read your post closely after work...

LML

#6 Apr 1 - 1AM (Reply to #16)

michele115 (not verified)

patiencegoal

Question RE: Incest... wondering...it is obvious that it is inappropriate but I am wondering... If a father says that in front of a MALE child, is it still considered a form of incest? I'm asking not to challenge but from the point of view in terms of once again...those "societal" messages and how "roles" are developed. AND I don't doubt it's a clinical form, but do you have any reference material that I might be able to review? Men do this alot with their son's and I think that has a lot to do with some of the prevalent patterns of objectifiying/sexualizing women... I'm signing off now...sandman is winning... Again, goodnight!

#7 Mar 31 - 11PM

lisalisa47

Interestingly enough...

My sis and I have been talking about "blocked" memories these last few months and it all stemmed from the fact that I have always had "ambivilant" feelings about visiting my parents. Meaning, i really wanted to see them, i love them, but i was always planning my escape time before i even got there. I was so GUILTY over feeling that way, UNTIL my sister and I talked about things i had forgotten about....My dad is a wonderful man and didn't molest me physically, however, he used to say "certain' things and bring forth "innuendos" which bordered on improper. When i thought back, it started when i was about 7 years old, and continued up until my early 40's. Nothing you could really pin a label on, but creepy none the less. Then i found out he was doing this to my niece as well. I guess you can call it a form of verbal molestation...but whatever it was, it sure brought a whole lot of enlightenment to me in regard to how i previously viewed myself and men....

LML

#8 Mar 30 - 10PM

ImStrong

My father is a 53 year old

My father is a 53 year old narcissist and my mom is a 56 year old raging narcissist..oh and my grandmother is a narc too..perfect family

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

#9 Mar 31 - 8AM (Reply to #12)

Susan32

When BOTH partners are Narcs

BOTH of my maternal grandparents were Narcs. My Narc grandmother is still alive&has Alzheimer's. I remember when I met the ex-Psych prof's girlfriend, one of my friends assumed that she was a normal woman who had been brainwashed, that Narcs can't stand each other, the "stench would be too great." Not always. Sometimes Ns end up together. In a perverse way, they're far more compatible than a Narc&a normal. In an odd way, I HOPED the ex-P's girlfriend was a Narc, because then she wouldn't suffer as much as I did.

#10 Mar 31 - 12AM (Reply to #11)

Arwen

My father and whole family are narcs

Me too! Mom, Dad, brothers, uncles, aunts, it's UNBELIEVABLE!!!!

#11 Mar 30 - 1PM

dudette

my narc is a small player compared to my father

My father is a 65 year old psychopath who has a vietnamese wife and family locked up in rural france for 8 months of the yeay whilst he lives in Vietnam on his own - not. My dad has a harem of girlfriends of all ages, shapes and sizes that he pays for with the money he earns in vietnam and does not spend back home. My dad did the first boyfriend trick to his first girlfriend and brought her to the point of dumping her husband and then dumped her. He has a history of wrecking marriages and dunping the woman. He finds it really amusing. My dad is happy and does not care for any of his victims. in fact he does not care for me either. He threw all of this in my face when I was on a "healing" trip to vietnam right after splitting from my narc and clearly devastated.... he just said well if you have to sleep with other men do it but just do not fall in love with them....he did not spend even five minutes with me alone. I was looked after by at least one of his women as he was going out on "business meetings". but if you don't know my dad like I do, he is this charming guy who does loads for charity, rescued boat people and got done for delivering medicines etc.. on the mekong river in the 80s. A real hero....If you ever sail on Ha-long bay, don't ever say hello to my dad for me.....I am NC from him too....

#12 Mar 30 - 6PM (Reply to #8)

Arwen

Dudette I can't believe this story

How incredibly painful I just break to hear your story. I am so sorry that you and all of us grew up this way. Sending hugs and love.

#13 Mar 31 - 1AM (Reply to #9)

dudette

PatienceGoal

Un-freaking-believable.. my therapist says well, no wonder you are attracted to these types... yes it was an incredibly painful experience. I did not tell you about the other bits, when I nearly drowned in the sea and he just said, oh well,, loads of drownings round here... I survived it all and here I am. He just dumped me at Hanoi airport and disappeared off with one of his women.... he is a sick sick man but the ha ha moment was when I realized the he really really did not care. Not for his trophy wife at home ( under control), not for the official OW and surely not for any of the others or any of the past. Not a care,no remorse no feelings- nothing...... My dad was fostered after him mum died when he was nine and his dad was an alcoholic who drove his second wife to drink too... go figure.....

#14 Mar 30 - 12PM

TLSM

patiencegoal GREAT TOPIC!!!

OH my goodness! You lived in hell. I am so sorry what you went through. (((HUGS))) :'^( My dad was emotionally abusive and emotionally unavailable at the same time! In fact, he wasn't never really available for me at all. JUST LIKE MY NARC!

#15 Mar 30 - 6PM (Reply to #6)

Arwen

Thanks TLSM

I think it's a key topic with those of who have suffered from narcs devastation. I was about six months old and the youngest of five children when my father came to our home one day with the woman he has having an affair with. My father and this woman asked my mother to join them in the living room of our home. The woman told my mother that she wished to buy the five of us from her and she gave my mother an actual figure that she was willing to pay ($10,000)and that she wished to marry my father. Can you possibly imagine what my mother felt at that moment?? She had a six month old infant and four other children under the age of nine. Can I now understand why I love narcs? My mother told her to sc--w herself and kicked them both out. My father hooevered her back several times during my childhood and eventually OD'd on narcotics.

#16 Mar 30 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

FINALLYFREE2BME

My dad left my mom (who was

My dad left my mom (who was wife #2) when I was a baby for another woman (wife #3). I didn't meet him until he came back and hoovered my mom when I was twelve. She was wife #2 and #4. He met the 19-year-old (wife #5) a week after he had remarried my mom. For her whole life my mom thought she was in love with my dad and never dated another man. Looking back clearly he was a Narc and, sadly, she lived her entire life under his spell. (She is no longer living). The Narc in my life sounded alot like my dad on the phone. The reason why I was trapped is very clear to me now....

#17 Apr 1 - 1AM (Reply to #5)

Arwen

Freeze

Isn't it sad to think of a woman dying and never really living? It's so sad to think my mother will end the same way and she will. I don't want to be like that, dying under the tyranny of a narcissist. I spent many years doing it and when I think of my life in terms of our mothers dying in vain it puts a fire under my ass like nothing else to get away from these maniacs. Life is so short.

#18 Mar 30 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

dudette

F2BM and all

That really really sucks ladies.... they say we don't have relationships with the opposite sex parent but the one we have the most issues with... I guess in those cases they are both those things.....

#19 Mar 30 - 6PM (Reply to #4)

Redhead1

My personal belief is a

My personal belief is a father teaches his daughter how a man should treat a woman. Mine was unavailable and all about him. I don't think he is a narc, he was just slow to mature. In his 40's, he did an about face. If he would have been half the father that he is as a grandfather, I would have been happy little girl. He has been the best grandfather to his grandchildren. In all honesty, his mom was overbearing and over dependant on him. After she died, he grew up. He and I have come a long way too. Just this week I was talking to him and he didnt say anything. I was like, you are not gona say anything. He said, I am trying to learn to be a better listener. I like to fell over in Wal-Mart.

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