Primary sources of supply

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#1 Sep 13 - 11PM

lola_azul

Primary sources of supply

Hi ladies,

I have been lurking more than posting and have not posted my story yet so I hope to get your objective answers regarding what just popped in my head tonight.

Who are the N primary sources of supply? In my case, my xN still is very attached to his parents, who stay with him half of the year. Could it also be his coworkers?
Do they get D&D treatment?

I wonder b/c I have heard a lot about his gym buddies, work friends but in two years never met them. I did meet his Dad one time but it was odd b/c I could recognize a predator in the way the dad was checking me out right in front of his son's face. Not a pleasant experience!!

In any case, I believe that many of his buddies or coworkers figure him out and walk away since they do not have the physical (oxitocyn filled) r/s that the partner would have. Is that accurate?

Staying strong!!

#2 Sep 15 - 1PM

Susan32

When primary becomes secondary

The ex-Psych (psychopath) prof and I were in a teacher/student relationship. It didn't get romantic or sexual (there were times he dangled marriage&sex) However, I was treated as secondary supply because I was wising up to him. He gets primary supply every fall... a new batch of students. Sorta like the Athenian youths&maidens being sent to the Cretan Minotaur.

#3 Sep 14 - 9AM

Happy1

Hi! Whoever shows them

Hi! Whoever shows them attention and adores them is there supply. Could be a dog

#4 Sep 14 - 9AM

Happy1

Hi! Whoever shows them

Hi! Whoever shows them attention and adores them is there supply. Could be a dog

#5 Sep 14 - 9AM

lola_azul

thank you

for all the comments!! So according to what I read from Sam V, they don't get D&D as often, right? They do not stick around long enough to witness it, is that correct?

#6 Sep 15 - 4AM (Reply to #10)

KeshaN

Yes primarys hardly ever get

Yes primarys hardly ever get devalued until they are turned into secondary's. Primary are valued because they cannot get constant attention from them so when they do get attention from them it is more rewarding. Think of it like this...the old saying that people always want what they cannot have. A friend may be a primary because he is not always available to give the Narc attention. OW may be a primary because he has not conquered her and is still in the process of wooing her. This is exciting to the N. When he finally does Woo her and she becomes hooked on him, her attention becomes constant and she is not as exciting anymore because he can have her anytime he wants. In the beginning of our relationship with the N we were primarys. This is why we were treated so well. We were valued. But as soon as the N saw that we were totally in love with him and was willing to give him all the attention he needs we immediately became secondarys and thus devalued. Any type of person can be a secondary not just a spouse but this is rarely the case. The Ns friends, family members and so on are not always that available to him and even if they are they do not always give him his much needed attention. They have lives of their own. Example: My N has several friends. But he doesn't see them all of the time or spend all that much time with them. my N seemed to value people who were always unavailable to him. He loved his friend tommy so much but i couldn't understand it. They barely talked or spent time with each other. Tommy would have parties and forget to invite him. But they hung out sometimes. My in had met another guy at work named jordan and he loved him some jordon. Jordan loved him too (not a gay way) and jordan constantly wanted to hang out with my N all of the time. He considered my N a brother and invited him everywhere. When Jordan began wanting to hang out all of the time my N stopped caring for him and even started talking about him behind his back. At first I didn't understand why. To me jordan was a much better friend then tommy, who barely called him. This is because Jordan's attention became constant therefore he became one of my N secondary supplies and thus devalued. Its funny because you can keep the N attention if you are not as available and constant with him. He will value you more if you are not always available to love him and see him. But it is impossible to have a meaningful relationship with them. The primary's never see the D&D phase because they are not constant/secondary's yet. He does value them. There never is a chance to devalue them. They never see his rotten streak. Basically you have to be really close to the N to see who he really is.

#7 Sep 15 - 5AM (Reply to #11)

aceonelady

Thanks KeshaN.....

yOU HIT THE NAIL IN THE HEAD....yOU HAVE TO BE REALLY CLOSE TO THE N TO SEE WHO HE REALLY IS...I was long distance to the N...we lasted 2 years ...till i went to Oklahoma to be with him from Europe...he D&D me 2 days after my arrival...HE TOLD ME MONTHS LATER I GOT TOO CLOSE...THAT'S ALL...

Aceonelady

#8 Sep 14 - 7AM

KeshaN

Primary supplys are anyone

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq76.html look at that Primary supplys are anyone who offers attention who are not significant others. These people can be anyone he comes into contact throughout the day that offers him some sort of attention or recognition. It can be his boss, friends, a stranger who passes him on the street and compliments his boots...anyone who isn't constant in his life who offers him attention, admiration, etc. They actually value this more then the secondarys. They prefer the primary supply because it is dynamic and forever changing. These are people who he gets attention from who are not conquered. For example: a girl he meets at a party and is flirting with is primary supply at that moment. When the narc doesn't get sufficient supply throughout the day from primarys then his secondary supply is needed. This is someone who is usually a spouse. Someone who is always there...a compliment from a secondary is not as appreciated then a compliment from a primary We are secondary because we are just backups for them this is why we are devalued and not appreciated. Why would they appreciate something they already conquered that there everyday However this is just my understanding of it

#9 Sep 15 - 5AM (Reply to #5)

Anabelle

this is a good understanding

This makes sense for me and this is how our life was. Sometimes I didn't understand why people entered in the chairs of god and I was just ok. Why he went out and spoilt people and I got a kebab lunch. It all makes sense now. I was already in his pocket. But it means that primary supply has a shorter life span? Or how ends a primary supply as secondary? And what makes secondary be discarded?

#10 Sep 15 - 6AM (Reply to #8)

lola_azul

The clue is D & D

From what I understand, they project more on the secondary so you eventually get close enough to see the mask fall off. They know you know and it is not a pretty sight for them. That is when you are discarded. Same example: While on vacation for 10 days, I had a real committed boyfriend in him. After that, he D & D me for stupid little stuff. I was on to him this time and cut if off for good. Primarys may have a longer life span because they don't see them as often as the secondary. This guy meets people and all of the sudden, I heard from them A LOT!! One day, they are gone!! Those are the ones who really do not have time for his bs. They are not discarded, they discard him b/c they do not have the physical attraction that develops from the secondary. Any thoughts?

#11 Sep 15 - 6AM (Reply to #6)

KeshaN

No primarys can stay in the

No primarys can stay in the N's life just as long as the secondary's and maybe even longer. As with a friend who is a primary, this friend is not constant in attention. Friends and others who are not the spouse usually have lives of their own and are not able to provide as much attention to them as we are. Even a primary OW is not constantly available-she may have other men she talks to or she since she is not his spouse she doesn't have a sort of obligation to always be available to the N. She may be available sometimes and not so other times. Secondary spouses are always there, always available when the N needs attention. They are supposed to be right? After all that is what it is supposed to be like. We are supposed to be his significant other, his partner in life. These primary's are not his significant others or his partners. So they are not as available and this continues to be this way especially with friends. The OW will continues to be this way until she is wooed into his trap. When the OW starts basically wanting to be with him and begans making herself available to him, starts showering him with attention on a constant basis she becomes a secondary. Or how ends a primary supply as secondary? People start to become secondary's when the attention they give is constant. With us for example we talk to the N every day, we are available to him when he needs us to be, etc. Friends of the N never hardly get to be secondarys. Especially with men. Their friends arent up under them constantly or always available. Usually women who want him romantically move into the secondary position eventually. Even some ow may not ever be secondarys if the N doesn't see her fit to be. maybe she is promiscuous or maybe she doesn't want a relationship and is thus unavailable to always pamper to is needs. She may stay a primary until she is available. When you started to date a N at first you were not that available like spouses are. Maybe he hadn't fully won you over yet but as soon as he decided you were the right one for the role of a secondary and you began acting as such that is what you became. The N picked you for a reason. A woman is picked by the N. Some women they meet they know could never be a secondary. She may not be submissive enough, or easy to manipulate etc. With these type of women they stay primarys or are left alone if they show him no attention whatsoever. But if they were left alone they were deemed useless to the N which means that they wouldn't have even made good primarys seeing that they may ignore him or are never available ever! My N kept all types of female primarys. Some who he never wanted to be his secondary who were merely there for attention purposes. Some of these women had men of their own. I also found out about some women who he had tried to contact and they never fed into him and so he left them alone. From all the women the N talks to he usually picks who will be his secondary/spouse. Sometimes thought you may just move into that spot naturally. But he still chose you to some extent. From the moment they date you they are trying to figure out what role you are going to play...for example: The N talks "Hmmm Tia will stay just a primary I guess. She shows me attention every now again but sometimes she is not available. But that makes her attention even more rewarding. I have to wait and anticipate it." "Trista seems available but her attention will not do to be my secondary. She has too many guy friends. Plus she seems hard to control and hard to manipulate." "Carla is ok I want her so bad but she won't call me back. She shows me no attention at all. So who needs her" "Amy...shes who I am going to be with. She seems easy to manipulate and easy to control. She's submissive. she doesn't have many friend so I know her life will revolve around me. I love all the attention she gives and this girl is crazy about me. Im going to make her my secondary." "Wow Tia has been showing me more attention lately. Lots more. I call her everyday and she is always available to chat and see me. I have had sex with her too now and now she acts like she is crazy about me. She always wants to see me all the time...she just became my secondary" And what makes secondary be discarded Well there is alot of reasons a secondary may be devalued or discard. Here are some: - She starts asking for too much from the N. An N will only do what is needed to keep getting Supply from you and prevent you from leaving him. That is it. When you start asking more from him then that you become annoying and bothersome. -You start unmasking him. N's play on people goodnaturedness. When the N constantly messes up at first you just think he made a mistake..that he is still a good person..of course he wouldn't mean to do it...blah blah. They love that you still think that they are just making innocent mistakes. As soon as you start realizing the truth you are usually immediately devalued, abused, misused, then discarded! "How dare she figure out my stupid games and question me about it?" "How dare she keep reminding me of how horrible of a person I am!" My N devalued me for this reason. The more i figured out about him the more he hated me. I told him how I figured out that he has women on the back burner and he was furious at me. this is why they snap on us when they are wrong. -Its getting boring... your attention has simply gotten old. He can get it anytime he wants and its the same person giving the same kisses hugs, compliments. The same person calling him. Your supply is old news and boring. this is when he goes to his primary's and cheats or disappears or breakup temporarily. Your like the old beat up car in the back yard that still runs but he doesn't care to use anymore. This is the main reason they discard -You stop giving attention...they will hate you. You are not doing what you are supposed to do. how dare you stop showing him all this undeserved attention! How dare you start hanging out with your friends more, get a job or hobby. How dare you think about leaving them -You stop being naive, easily manipulated, controlled etc You simply are useless to them if you don't believe their lives and aren't easily controlled. My N met me when i was 19. I was so naive. As i got older i got wiser and he hated that. He once told me that he wish i was how I was then. There are many other reasons. I have studied N thoroughly but like i said this is just my understanding

#12 Sep 15 - 6AM (Reply to #7)

Anabelle

THE BIGGEST THANK YOU I HAVE

THE BIGGEST THANK YOU I HAVE EVER TOLD TO ANYBODY IN THIS SITE! BIG HUG

#13 Sep 14 - 9AM (Reply to #4)

Journey

That makes way more sense

That makes way more sense KeshaN! I hadn't thought of it quite like that and found it confusing to assume the significant other was the primary supply. Thanks!

Journey on...

#14 Sep 14 - 2AM

Journey

Hi Lola

Welcome. A narc's primary supply in my understanding is whoever or whatever is the most constant for them. Secondary supply is everything else. I think sometimes narcs are content with only having abundant secondary supply while others prefer one primary source to override all the others all the time. Anyway, your question is difficult to answer because every narc has variables in his life which would point to different types of sources for different reasons. Anyone and anything is fine for them (for awhile), as long as it feeds them. That is why we are so easily interchangeable, it doesn't matter who we are as people, only what they can get from us which tells them how much they'll value us from moment to moment. ((hugs))

Journey on...

#15 Sep 14 - 1AM

Done sourcing

Welcome to the site. I hope

Welcome to the site. I hope you find strength and power here, I know I have. Best answer I can give you about primary sources of supply is I am Done sourcing, so someone else will have to fill that role for the narc that is no longer in my life. AS long as the source of his supply isnt you, you will be fine. Learn about nc and all will be well for you. ds

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