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preparing for the GAL

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#1 Feb 19 - 4PM
reneek
reneek's picture

preparing for the GAL

Okay, so today at work was oh so productive -- I printed out probably about 2000 emails from the past 4 years. I read some that went to other people begging them for help -- explaining the abuse soooo early on. I probably have about another 2000 or more on my home computer. I typed up the txt messages I could find and I found some chronological documents I wrote at the beginning of the case. I've got good documentation -- but now I need to sift and prepare something managable for the guardian ad litem -- what should my focus be on when I am reading these emails. How do I know this is the right email or the wrong email to show? Any tips ... I will say my documentation is in pretty good shape overall.

Just have a pile of stuff about literaly 3-4 ft high to read.

It will be locked in a vault later so that my daughter can have it when she is old enough (an adult) to know the real story of what happened.

Feb 20 - 1AM
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

Thinking of this again, if

Thinking of this again, if you have that many pages you might want to try to distill down what you are trying to illustrate and highlight portions of e-mails using a color key. Like use a pink highlighter over stuff showing manipulation, green indicates threatening tone, etc. I know from very recent personal experience that this is not easy to do because often issues overlap, and also because sometimes a pattern only presents itself by reading several back and forth e-mails, and often even then more information is required. Sometimes you need to provide more information about what is being discussed, as well, if it is necessary to fully illustrate what happened, and that is the sort of stuff I noted in the margins. I showed some of my organization to my therapist who does GAL work and she said it was great the way I made it easy to see what I was trying to show. Lawyer said the same thing. I know they are probably handed stacks of stuff all the time and told "he's this way and here's your proof" but when you are an outsider and know NOTHING about the situation it is a big time saver to have a little more to go on than that. So another thing you might consider is picking out a few back-and-forth communications that you had which illustrate a point you are making, make copies and set them aside, sort of as studies. Like "here is a typical e-mail exchange that illustrates X". Provide any more information, documents, etc. that help support what you are trying to show with this one example. Try to pick examples for which you have collaborating evidence. Hope this helps.
Feb 20 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
reneek
reneek's picture

this is helpful -- I am ADD so ...

someone providing a system of organization and telling me what to look for and how to make it a strong presentation is helpful. I have a friend who is a mental health therapist and understand narcissism really really well --I've asked her if she will spend several hours with me sorting. I am a corporate girl and well know for my thinking and strategies. I always need to turn to others for presentation. This is so helpful. I know it needs to be distilled down.

a woman learning to love again

Feb 20 - 8AM (Reply to #12)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Trees from Forest

One needs to sort the trees from the forest. This is hard because one is so emotionally wrapped up. Since this is so important to you . . . it is really a last chance to rope him in & put limits to his manipulations of you via the child. If I were you, I would pay a lawyer to go over the GAL application (or whatever it is). It may be well worth the money. It's about getting a story out there in the clearest & most concise fashion. What about the lawyer who quit? SInce he doen't have to go to court anymore but knows the whole story & understands how crazy the dude is, this lawyer may be able to distill the important points concisely. I work in the courts. People just don't have time to wade through a lot of material. The judge needs to have the salient points set forth. Also, these family court judges know there is a lot of manipulation. ANd, the one who looks innocent can actually be the abuser. So they are just so cautious about being taken themselves & manipulated. If you get lost in the forest for the trees, you may end up looking like an hysterical woman. Also, I think that his absence for 6 months of the first two years of the child's life really shows how little concern he had for the infant. Being part of her life was not a concern. He took off to Haiti. Now suddenly he wants to be a good father & share in her upbringing? But, he didn't want to be there for 6 months? It makes no sense. His priorities at the time were him & his career. How many people place their career second once a child is born? Most people. Even the judge, possibly.
Feb 19 - 4PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

reneek

1. Anything that shows his BEHAVIOR patterns 2. Anything caring more about himself, his wants & "how it looks" than putting the child first. 3. Anything where he tries to make you feel bad about your mothering or overt verbal abuse Those are the ones. Be sure the header with time/date is there. And give copies to your lawyer for their files. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 19 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
reneek
reneek's picture

what about ...

things from the pregnancy and even the pre-pregnancy abuse. do they care about the abuse. I found so many letters during the pregnancy to other people telling them how much pain I was in with him and all the things he was doing ... or do I only include things after she was born.

a woman learning to love again

Feb 19 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

everything

no - include EVERYTHING. especially his attitudes toward helping you during the pregnancy and his impending parenthood. EVERYTHING. here's an interesting article about what Psych Evals show about Battered Women: http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/wp-content/PDFs/UseoftheMMPIinChildCustodyEvals.pdf ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 19 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

I just went through this -

I just went through this - this week. I prepared a veritable TOME, though I had nowhere near that many e-mails. I gave him nearly every one, since they all show something, however subtle. I also added notes in the margin helping narrate what was going on, what incident this pertained to, etc. I had tabs in my notebook indicating the contents. I had quite a few photographs illustrating past behavior, documents from the doctor, etc. and I had it all well organized so it sort of told a story. One notebook was in support of me as a mom and my proposed relocation and the other was the "dirt" on him, which included e-mails he wrote other people. These e-mails showed a big disparity between how he is trying to present himself now and where his head was actually at during this period of time. I had to really think about what points I was trying to make and organize the information to make it easy to defend my point of view. Good luck to you!
Feb 19 - 10PM (Reply to #5)
reneek
reneek's picture

that is helpful

I have not idea how I am going to organize this thing yet. There have to be over 5000 emails ! Literally tonight I took home a grocery bag filled with emails. I haven't started to review them yet. I don't want to overwhelm so I am going to have to do a lot of sorting. What is a veritable TOME?

a woman learning to love again

Feb 19 - 11PM (Reply to #6)
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

veritable tome

just a stupid way to say a big book ;) That is a LOT of e-mails you have! What is that like almost 4 a day?
Feb 20 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Reminds Me

Reminds me of the woman here who said she & her N spoke on the phone 3,000 minutes a month. The guy would call her if he went to get his mail out of the box. He could not be alone for a minute. Mine could spend hours writing e-mails. I think it's mental masturbation for these dudes. No real engagement with a real human being. They are really just interacting with their own perceptions of us. And, it's a safe emotional distance. No real give & take or interaction. A controlled distance. I know, after I left, I resented his e-mails. He insisted on a response or he would go ballistic. & everytime he went ballistic that cost me money in the divorce--more he tried to get. But, I really resented the time his stupid e-mails required. Just jumping through his arbitrary hoops. Control. Answering in a way so as to not anger him, not say anything, but kow-tow to avoid his anger if I didn't answer. It's all about control & the harangue. Actually, once the separation agreement was signed & settled . . . I heard nothing from him. He knew I would never answer him. And he's got a new woman. His hatred of me facilitates his new love. I am the enemy until he & I are finally divorced. Then, he's her N exclusively! Good luck!
Feb 19 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
reneek
reneek's picture

or more

it is crazy ! My printer will not handle the print job so I've got to figure out how to get it all printed

a woman learning to love again

Feb 20 - 12AM (Reply to #8)
M
M's picture

emails

I am lucky to have my dad help archive & offer responses to his emails. I had discovered his stories. His 1st wife file divorce under "cruel & unusual treatment." When I asked about that he said it was BS- I was making it up. "I need my privacy" is a BIG flag in a marriage. He "couldn't be married to me anymore" though he thought I was the smartest, most beautiful woman he knows... Family life is BORINGNto him...
Feb 20 - 12AM (Reply to #9)
reneek
reneek's picture

same guy again

his first wife left him for cruel and unusual treatment as well -- he had the files locked and they are not public -- didn't want to ruin his medical career --- our case is public though and I am hoping all the abuse will come out if I do this well. Wish I knew your dad.

a woman learning to love again