Post mortem in reverse

If I listed every infidelity, manipulation and word of verbal abuse this would turn into a book, so in essence and just so I don't forget his crimes against me and my children, from current day going backwards 13 years:-

For hanging on, no matter what to keeping our daughters in his life. For sending polite messages to me with x's on the end as he tries to manipulate me into encouraging them to see him. For manipulating them at any given opportunity - for creating the unsafe feelings of fear, obligation and guilt in their young psyches. A fancy mobile phone and a kitten await D11 when she decides to start to see her dad again! (he vastly underestimates the strength of her feelings!)

Sending an insensitive, shaming and pointless email justifying his replusive actions as a response to our hurt and distressed 11yr old daughter who had been brave enough to tell him by email why she was so angry and upset with him.

Carelessness in not erasing adult text messages revealing info about his infidelity and porn and fetish addiction. He gave the phone to our 11 yr old daughter who found them and was deeply disturbed.

Guilt tripping D11 for not wanting to go out to eat with him when she was seriously ill.

Cheating on his wife of 2 years and his 1 year old daughter in turn affecting the trust and security of our 2 girls.

After promising to drive D12 to school 3 days after she started high school, he shamed and sent her to the busstop alone to catch school bus in a new area that she didn't know. The bus didn't show and she was left alone for 1.5 hours scared and upset.

For shaming D11 about her previous bedwetting problems. In his words 'her fault' 'she was doing nothing to help herself'. He phoned her daily when not with her to check up on how much fluid she had consumed and how many bladder exercises she had done. Accusing her of lying about it and shaming and chastising her.

For raging and swearing at both girls for not having their school socks ready. Shaming them 'do you need me to change your nappies for you as well?'

For not contributing financially to any of the girls expenses over the years save for the food and shelter he provides when 'babysitting' his own children. For abusing me on my own doorstep for daring to ask for money.

For telling me I am a 'Drama Queen' and someone who molliecoddles our daughters, tells me I am turning them into princesses. Trying to blame shift, gaslight and guilt trip me.

For playing 'Dad of the year' and all the times he took our girls out with naive young women who they barely knew.

For all the times he called me fat and ugly and after he had discarded me 'a whore'. For severing my relationships with his family telling me 'to keep away, they are MY family, not yours!'

For all the times he 'hoovered' me up and sucked me back in with his lies and empty promises, his tears and sob stories.

For all his infidelities and there were many.

For laying on the floor in the dark crying and telling me there was something seriously wrong with him. When I suggested he get therapy for the sexual abuse he went through as a boy he told me it wasn't true, he had made the whole story up.

For spending my money as though it was his and it sprung from a bottomless pit. For manipulating me into 'loaning' him money to pay his debts. For never repaying his substantial debts to me.

For screwing a young woman from his work the night our 2nd daughter was due to be born. For all the porn he looked at while I was exhausted and needing help with sleepless babies.

For claiming he had been sexually abused by a man in his neighbourhood when he was a boy and blaming this for his emotional issues. He told me this man had mutilated his penis with a screwdriver. This was his smokescreen to explain away his emotional inconsistencies. For working my good and compassionate nature against me.

For casting his spell of illusion - a happy family life. For the years of happiness he robbed me of when I should have been enjoying every moment of my children's younger years. For the ptsd, depression and anxiety I blamed my self for for so long.

For reeling me in and pushing me into a relationship with him. Selling me on his big loving family. For telling me he was infertile.

For observing me and profiling me for around 1 year with little chats in our apartment block's communal garden before he dumped his then fiancee (lucky lady!) and moved in on me once he was sure he had baited me on his hook. For feigning interest in my meditation class and turning up there. For writing me poetry and 'bumping' into me in the video store, for suggesting 'Bridges of Madison County'.

He sang a song for me in a night club as I stood next to his then fiance. This is the best bit - The song "Creep" by Radiohead. He said into the microphone, this is for ***** then searched me out in the room and sang to me "I am a creep, I am a weirdooooh...what the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here, I don't belong here!"

Too right! he doesn't belong on this planet. How did I miss a flag as big and as red as that!!

Indifference is what I would feel about these earlier memories now if he was not involved in our D's lives. Hatred and rage is what I do feel every time he shames them or hurts them with his lack of empathy and selfish behaviours.

Our girls see him now for who he is and they are acting on their own choices now. Sad little N will drive away his new wife and child and end up all alone, too old now to reel in the young chicks for any length of time. He's going to be all washed up in N Town, bring out the violins!