please remind me....

100%, I have felt this way, every single line. I have spent the four years since he left us, thinking all those things. But I guess it is best for us to forgive, to set ourselves free. All those things that someone re-worded are true too! And just think, if they had NEVER met us, they would have done the very same thing to whoever would have been our substitute. And yes, they do all the same things and say all the same things they said to us, to win "her." Very poignant post, darling Rainbow.

Say these out loud everyday and watch how it makes you feel powerful and focused on taking care of yourself: Please remind me..... ....that this sociopath, psychopath, narc wont be happy with her ....that sociopath, psychopath, narc will treat her the same way ...that the sociopath, psychopath, narc and this new women won't last either because normal people are always hurt by disorderd people. ....that while it looks like the sociopath, psychopath, narc is in love on the outside, it is really just his fake self - he is permanently disordered and will never change ....that she will eventually see who the sociopath, psychopath, narc really is - and, sadly, she will also be hurt. ....that i am not the disordered one ....that the sociopath, psychopath, narc isn't with me because i am bad or crazy but because i found out the real him and made the decision to leave a dangerous man ....that the sociopath, psychopath, narc will cheat on her and hurt her because all sociopaths, psychopaths, narcs hurt people / and are dangerous ....that she isnt so special - she is normal and being preyed upon by the sociopath, psychopath, narc and will also be hurt bu this dangerous man. ....that if i were to call the sociopath, psychopath, narc he would come running to get some more supply out of me but I know he is dangerous so I will not do that and will protect myself from this dangerous sociopath, psychopath, narc. ....that the sociopath, psychopath, narc drives me to the end of my sanity so I chose to do what is best from me and stay NC easily because I know that is best for me. ....that it wasn't my fault - I was conned by a sociopath, psychopath, narc ....that the only reason the sociopath, psychopath, narc is dating her is to secure supply and he is dangerous. If not her that it would be someone else. ....that I need to remain nc because the sociopath, psychopath, narc is dangerous. ....that this is the best option for me and I love the fact that I h ave mhy life back and am narc free! ....that i am making it through this and will know and learn to never fall for another sociopath, psychopath, narc again. I will expect people to prove their trustworthiness first rather than giving it away.

....we just didn't think about our narcs like this for a moment? What if we could find a way (might take time) to be legitimately happy for them...Maybe he will find love with someone else. We all know narcs can't really love...if they are true narcs. But, what if we could just be happy for them, day by day...? Like instead of saying he won't be happy with her...whoever the new person is...wish him well. Here's why. Because by doing this, we forgive. We have to find a way to forgive those who hurt us. If you believe in God, it's even a prayer that Jesus asked His followers to pray: Forgive us of our trespasses, AS WE FORGIVE THOSE...who trespass against us. It's hard. Jesus forgave men who nailed Him, an innocent man, to a cross. I can forgive the narc who hurt me. It doesn't mean it won't hurt. It doesn't mean we forget...and break NC. No...it just means we stop letting them take control in our hearts and minds. It means we stop all this negative energy we drive at them. Because guess what? It's only hurting us. I am praying for your healing. I am healing, too. It all takes time, but I think we'd all be better off forgiving and letting go...than hoping the person gets his. I thought that way last week...(karma! lol) BUT... 7 days later...I realize it's taken too much out of me. I want to forgive him. I want to forgive myself. I want to let go.

i understand why you feel that we teach them how to treat the next one..and i too have posted this before on other forums in the past and have struggled myself with that thinking. however, i think that no matter what we say or do or show them ...and no matter for how long..obviously they never get it with us, so what would make them get it with someone else...they may memorize and remember certain things like mathmatical equations to keep the peace and keep teh new supply going..but over time noone has that good of a memory to be that good of a fake and a liar...eventually it has to be a naturaly true commitemtn, care, real transperancy and intimacy...love and devotion and care can not be faked or set up..overtime he will be who he is..no matter how many times we drilled in their head what they should do..what they should say or how they should act to keep a relationship...they may give them certain things faster..for instance ...marriage, engagement, living together..i love you..things like that..but they will neever be able to give them the stuff we longer for..the care, concern, consistency, transperany,,,their real love and commitment..well themselves to be more general..what we long for they can not give anyone, until they truly heal and get help and even then it will most likely be cognitive behavorial modifications of their behavior..but not true love ...sorry for blabbing..i hope all of this makes sense...

Where are those clueless girls we used to be? What a strong, smart woman you have become. We all have. We have our moments and failings, but just look at all of that you wrote. That's all stuff you learned. You learned that stuff because you were deeply, deeply hurt, violated, altered, attacked, manipulated and deceived by an incredibly disordered person. None of it was your fault. There is nothing and no one that can make him happy. Yes, he left because you know the real him. Yes, his sniveling, shameless ass would take you back in a second if you asked him. bUT IF YOU DID THAT YOU WOULD BE PUTTING YOURSELF IN GRAVE DANGER IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY. I have had a hard time lately because not only did I find out there were at least three other women the whole time, I think they are still with him. I can just picture them walking and shopping in downtown Chicago amidst the lights and the music, having dinner with the little boy, etc etc etc. But I DO console myself with the fact that *I* already did my time and theirs is still coming. And when it comes, they are going to think, "Wow. She warned me about this." No one warned me. I had no clue. Girl, you were blindsided by one of the most devastating experiences there is. But Yes, YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT. WE ALL WILL.

that was a posting some weeks ago, ask Briseis or Betty what it was called but it had to do to comingto a a place within yourself, and not outside validation, that you know the Narc is no good, will always stay the same, will treat all the other women EXACTLY how he treated you and why you should remain no contact. I wish I had printed it out, it was so good, if I can find it i will contact you again. Just a lost of postings to slog through.If you find it before me, please let me know and this time I will print it out!

His behaviour didn't start with you and it won't end with you - who he has showed he is, IS WHO HE REALLY IS - the false self can only remain briefly as it takes too much energy to be the lovely man he first presents himself to be. He picks people who are happy and loving so he can drain it from them and make them feel normal for a short time, no one can cater to his needs 100% of the time so ultimately, anyone he is with will question him at some point and ruin his perfect love...it's inevitable....it will happen, she will discover the real him too. The minute the woman has needs, and we all do, it's over. No woman stands a chance with him and he's always planning for the escape to the next one. He cannot recognise a good relationship and will end up losing his whole life, that's the truth. These parasites cannot change and the most healthy thing for your life now is to let him go in every way. You'd be horrified if you knew how many people's lives he has destroyed. They go through their lives never happy, always angry and always jealous of everyone they encounter and we have to suffer for their empty souls. The very thing he feeds off, he despises people for in the end - it's not normal and he will not be better with anyone else - EVER!! xxx

Hey Rainbow, This was inevitable. His behavior and mistreatment of you as a human being has been appalling. Each time you would let him into your life he would inflict more hurt. He has betrayed you, repeatedly. Your level of hurt from this really mean guy is huge. He is not miraculously cured by another person. His is mentally disordered. That did not mend over night. It is hard getting well. It takes at least a year or more of therapy and really reflecting and working through toxic relationships. You need to figure out what happened. It is hard work. Rather than try to understand why he hurt you and treated you so terribly he has simply got another gf. New relationships are fun and exciting. Of course she is having fun and he sees his reflection in her as a fun, sexy, great guy. So while she is showing his that, he is happy and she seems great. Something WILL happen that makes him hate her. And that same behavior will emerge. This might take a month, 6 months, 4 years or 10 years, but is will be the same behavior. For me: I was with N/P for 4 years; he D&D'ed in a very cruel way last December; new gf was living with him by February; she is pregnant by August; and they got married in November. He will take what he can get for as long as she allows and he wants it. It is not fun for her. But she will not be unlike you or me, she might feel like she can't live without him. It is a mind bending experience. You are so lucky to be out. Start getting well. Away from him NC completely and away from those unkind people you know. IT IS HIM. HE IS SICK. YOU CAN RECOVER AND LIVE A HAPPY LIFE. HE CANNOT. HE WILL NOT MAKE HER HAPPY AND HE WILL NOT MAKE HER HAPPY. HE IS SICK AND IS NOT GOING TO GET WELL. Peace. J

Yes rainbow, Its all true every last bit of it. When you doubt just think of me. Way back when I had thoughts of him being good to someone else that he would marry and have a family with someone else. NOPE he is an extremely good looking man. He has never been married at the age of 44 and guess what the first thing he tells me about after a 15 years separation from him? yes you guessed it. How he just got out of a relationship with his evil X whom I might add is 16 years younger than him (poor girl) You see we are the evil x's to them and they are just the poor little innocent victims. PUKE PUKE PUKE So rainbow when you doubt think of me and how he came back 15 years later and he hadnt changed a bit not one bit.