Please help! I've done all the work but I am back here

This will be long but please hang in and offer some help.

Hello everyone. I havent been on here in a very long time. In that time a lot of stuff has happened. I was NC with the N. I blocked him from every aspect of my life. We have the same friends so I would avoid any place they told me he would be. I was feeling soooooooo much better.

I felt like my old self again. I rarely thought of him. I did not miss him. I was happy and living my life. But it was mostly because I hated him. I had no desire to ever see him. But like always, the hate fades away and then it become exhausting avoiding him.

He slowly came back around but I was still doing good. I would let him know where I live, I wouldnt see him and refused to talk to him if the conversation turned to being about us. But that slowly faded too.....

And I started letting him come get our dog to take to the park. I listened to him talk about how much he misses us. I let him call and text daily and I responded. I would go to a "friendly" lunch with him. I slowly let him back info my life. This process took months however.

But I was still being somewhat strong! And I kept telling him we won't work, I listened to him cry for hours about how lucky he would be to have me back, that he wanted our old life back, that he wanted to marry me. He was doing all the things I love, like texting me good morning and being cute. And I kept telling him no. UNTIL, he said he would go to counseling with me. I told him this was the only way that I'd consider anything with him again.

This is something he has never NEVER wanted to do. He was kicked out of his parent's house as a child and the only way that they would let him back in was to go to counseling and he refused. So I figured that he must really love me if he was willing to do this. He convinced me that he was going to prove to me that he is 100% committed and wanted to have a future together. So I scheduled an appointment with my therapist. I believed him....

Then I heard he had been trying to get with other girls. So I yelled and him and freaked out. Probably over-reacted somewhat and blew up his phone. This turned on his rage! He yelled and me and then ignored me for 2 days. When he finally spoke with me it was saying horrible things about how crazy I am, how I havent changed and never will and how he will never try to be with me again.

The next day he laid on the charm again. We went on a street bike ride. He convinced me to buy an expensive helmet for myself. When I told him that I didnt want to because I dont have anyone to take me all the time he said he isnt going anywhere and loves me. He told me to just "be nice" to him so he doesnt have to rage like he did the day before. We went for a walk and had sex on the beach and had an actual grown up conversation about us. At least I thought. But counseling was that night and he said he wasnt going because he made other plans when he was angry with me. But he told me to schedule another one and he would go.

Then the next day we were fine. Then the day after that we were supposed to go get his little sister. He ignored me all day (something he knows I hate but does it daily). Then called me right before we were supposed to go and acted normal like he hadnt avoided multiple texts thtoughout the day. We went to get her and saw his family. They all said they were happy to have me back. He still was saying he would go to as many counseling sessions as I wanted and he wanted to be with me.

Then when I scheduled the next appointment he said he wouldnt go until I stopped talking to a guy I was kinda seeing (who is in our group of friends to the N knows him). I said that was fair. Then me and the N kept agruing about how he would ignore me all day. He wont respond during his breaks or lunch or call after work. That is honestly the only thing we fight about or ever have fought about. He knows I hate it!

I broke everything off with the other guy on Saturday. On Sunday me and the N had plans. But once again he ignored me for hours. Then when he finally called and we met up he was rude and angry. We went on a street bike ride with friends all day and by the end of the day the N was better. He bought me dinner after and kissed me and told me he loved me.

I asked him if I could schedule a THIRD appointment since I left the other guy like he told me to. He said he thinks since I just broke it off that we should go with the flow and relax! So after months of begging to get back together now that he has the chance he wants to go with the flow????!!!! I told him that wont work and left.

He ignored me the rest of the night and all the next day. I finally text him that if he doesnt respond we will be over. Thats when he said he could talk finally. All he said was that he knows ignoring me makes me feel unimportant but that he doesnt care because he doesnt want to have pointless convos with me. And he said he doesnt think we will work again and that we are better friends because all we do is fight. I spent the rest of the night begging him to change his mind and trying to convince him that if we went to counseling and worked on our issues it might be different this time only to be ignored.

So I went to a BBQ with some friends later that night and he was there. He didnt look at me or talk to me. I text him asking if I could come over later and finish our talk. He looked at the text, looked at me, and put it back in his pocket. So like a crazy person I went to his house and waited for him to get home because I had to get my feelings out and he refused to let me!

Im sure you can guess how that talk went? It was telling me I havnet changed, Im crazy, and refusing to work on the relationship. Finally to get me to leave he said we might be able to talk about it the next day.

That day is today. All he has told me today is that we wont work, I havent changed and never will. I have spent all day begging him to let me prove it to him that I can change and he is ignoring me. He said we can be friends.

Now here is the problem....... I have done all the work, I have read all the books, I have been in therapy, I have blocked him and felt recovered. So how did this happen!? How did I allow this to happen? I feel like Im right back I was a year ago. I cant sleep, I cant eat. And I keep asking myself HOW AND WHY he could do this! I have to re-read these books to understand him again. I dont get it. I thought I would never let him do this again. Even when he was trying I still had no attachment to him. But now that he is taking the option away and blaming me all I want to do is make it work. I want to prove that I am not crazy, I am not the same needy girl I was before. How do I fix this!?