please help - feel shattered all over again

12 posts / 0 new

#1 Jan 24 - 3PM

Devastated and ...

please help - feel shattered all over again

N's sister, with whom I am friends and who supports me in what happened because the N has done unspeakable things to her, is in town with her kids for a visit. Its been almost a year since the N's brutal D&D, and there has been no contact from him. So his sister tells me that the N just threw a fit because he overheard that she plans to see me and thought I had been invited to a lunch he is attending. He would only refer to me as "that person" and wanted a guarantee that there was not going to be "a scene" or "a situation" from which he'd have to extricate himself. His sister said she couldn't believe the rage in his voice when he spoke about me - she has no idea what he's so furious about. HE abandoned ME. I should just laugh it off and say he's crazy, but I feel small and beaten and defenseless, like I have to voice and no way to defend myself against false accusations. I feel sick, nauseated, unable to continue my work day. I'm having an anxiety attack. What the Hell is wrong with me????? Omg. I want to call him after almost a year and BEG him not to hate me, convince him I loved him and never did him harm, even after he left me without a goodbye. What's wrong with me? Someone please tell me I'm not crazy. I can't breathe.

#2 Jan 24 - 4PM

Hunter

What the Hell is wrong with

What the Hell is wrong with you?. What the Fuck is wrong with him.. Calm down... Consider the source.. He's baiting you.. Show him who's boss and ignore.. Be Strong Hunter

#3 Jan 24 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

Devastated and ...

i want to

Smash him, beat him, run him over with my car, shriek at the top of my lungs "What? What the fuck???? What did I ever DO to you except care about you, tell you the truth, put your needs before my own?!?! What???? WHAT?????". I just want some closure. Some explanation. Some peace. I haven't had a moment of peace in so long. Some days, I just wish I would never wake up.

#4 Jan 24 - 4PM (Reply to #6)

Hunter

He's nuts, he's a freak, he's

He's nuts, he's a freak, he's disordered... That's your closure .. Thank God you got away.. Hunter

#5 Jan 24 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

Devastated and ...

i only got away

because he threw me away. Like garbage. I wish I could take the credit for ending it, but I'd probably still be trying depserately to "work things out" if he hadn't cut me off like I died. I know, I know - he did me a favor. Why don't I FEEL it? Shouldn't I be beyond this craziness by now?

#6 Jan 24 - 5PM (Reply to #11)

NarcJunkie

Hey Dev

you are not crazy to feel the way you do. Being thrown away like garbage is the worst feeling in the world. Especially when you've been nothing but kind and loving to him and he has NO REASON in the world to say these things about you. Except this one: He knows he's a pathetic excuse for a human being - and he can't live with that knowledge. Self-hatred... only the strong can face it and work through it. That would be us. The narcs, they are so broken inside all they can do is twist the truth 180 degrees. It's the only way they can feel good about themselves. Your closure? Maybe it lies in understanding that he is basically mentally ill and can't help being what he is. You loved him and trusted him, and he betrayed you and threw you away. You're grieving... and one year is not long. My dad died more than 20 yrs ago but when I remember him I still miss him. Isn't that normal? We're human. My narc also threw me away about a year ago. He never came back to hoover. I tried to be nice to him, I tried to make him like me again, be friends again bc we still worked together. All that did was weaken me. I'm sure he went around telling people that I was pathetic and couldn't get over him. What always helps me when I suffer is to completely and totally focus on myself in that moment and mentally give myself the love and the respect that I deserve. It's a mental shift that requires some practice but it works... like training a muscle. Hugs, NJ

#7 Jan 24 - 5PM (Reply to #8)

Hunter

Mine did me the same

Mine did me the same favor.. Somedays it's still hard to comprehend their cruel behavior.. You're being too hard on yourself.. I promise tomorrow is a new day.. I'll tell you a secret .. I sometimes still have sad, weak moments.. Just don't call him .. Call Goldie .. She will snap you out of it.. Hunter

#8 Jan 24 - 5PM (Reply to #9)

Devastated and ...

you have those days, too, Hunter?

If you also have those days, I feel a lot better about myself. You rock on this site - you are such an incredible support to all of us in despair and confusion. If my recovery in any way resembles yours - even if its just in the odd bad day - I am gratified and grateful. Maybe I'm not as bad off as I think. I just wish sometimes he'd disappear so I wouldn't feel like someone raped and murdered me and now goes about a whole new life scott free. Its hard to reconcile. Ok, I need to dry my eyes, wipe the mascara streaks off my face, and get out of this public parking lot. He's not worth this. And I'm worth more than this. I won't stop feeling pain, I know, I might feel pain forever. But I can start choosing better ways to respond. Can't let his bipolar borderline N existence and actions shut me down. Thank you Hunter and Spinning. As always, you are saviors.

#9 Jan 24 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

Hunter

There you go.. Screw him..

There you go.. Screw him.. The best part is he doesn't know he got to you.. HA! Hunter

#10 Jan 24 - 4PM

spinning

Dev and Dis, please take a deep

breath and then take another one. You are not crazy. You are experiencing CD from the "contact" with the sister, which is just about the same as direct contact with him because she gave you so much detail and obviously it was enough to send you "spinning." You are not crazy for the CD. You have a year of NC under your belt and that is great. But the minute you hear manipulative "scrambled eggs" out of their mouths, even if it is second hand, it can send you reeling. The good news is you have come here and posted instead of do anything else. This moment will pass and you will be just fine. To me this says you really cannot interact with his sister if it is going to involve ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM. You must tell the sister that you cannot hear anything about him and that the subject is off limits. Please do this for YOURSELF, Dev and Dis. You are worth that self-protection. Hugs to you and good work for coming here. You are not crazy. He is disordered and is rewriting history to suit his selfish, narcissistic ways. Of course he's the poor, poor victim! REJECT IT, DEV! IT'S A LIE! Hugs from (not) spinning. NEVER AGAIN WILL I SPIN OVER ANY DISORDERED FREAK

spinning

#11 Jan 24 - 5PM (Reply to #3)

Devastated and ...

i think i need to sign up for those counseling sessions

being offered on this site. I clearly am not handling this on my own.

#12 Jan 24 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

Devastated and ...

thank you for responding to my crisis mode

I have seriously not felt this panicked and like I'm hyperventilating in weeks. I know my relationship with his sister leads to issues for me, but I can't abandon her the way her brother abanonded me. Her mother and brother are abusive sociopaths and I'm the only other person on the planet who understands the vile, nauseating abuse the N subjected her to and the lies and cover-ups she's been brainwashed into. To be fair to her, I ask about him. I do. I can't help it. I don't know what I expect to hear - that he misses me? That he's sorry? That he knows I was the best thing that ever graced his sorry life? He lives with his sociopathic incestuous N mother-wife and my friend is reluctantly staying at the family homestead this week. I know how sad and self destructive it is, but I've been hoping he'd bring my name up to her and ask how I'm doing, if I'm happy, if I'm okay. I certainly didn't think after all these months of his dead silence that he'd be enraged and unreasonable about me. It cuts. I'm spinning in circles, in a panic, I know that. I hear myself. But my heart is still so broken. And I guess despite all the progress I thought I was making, I've still been harbouring an empty, laughable hope things could get better. I cut my meeting short and drove to a strange parking lot and I'm sitting here breathing fast, sweating, crying, wishing, angry, hurting, hopeless, scared, and so, so empty of anything but despair. If he doesn't want me in his life, does he have to hate me? And why do I even care? His non-hate was a pack of self serving lies. People are staring into my car watching me sob and I don't know what I think or feel anymore. I never cared about anyone the way I cared about him. I don't know how to explain that to myself. I loved a monster. I'm still crying over a monster. I'm melting down here. Omg.

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews