Please do comment on it

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#1 Jun 30 - 8AM
ewa
ewa's picture

Please do comment on it

My ex N wrote me an email and i would like to know your honest opinion on it. I have noticed the NC is the only thing which makes me feel normal, because when i was reading it i felt bad like before. I would like to add that yes i have spied on him like he said in this email - I basically looked at this phone just because i was suspecting the cheating.
So here we go (this is two emails in one :

- Can you give an example when I tried to turn sth against you? I cannot remember any.
- I am sorry for hurting you, it was very painful for me as well.
- I tried every day to be with nice with you and show how much I love you and you tried to spy after me
- If you see yourself as successful, than it is very good, sooner or later I hope you will be able to behave normally with me and we can have a normal chat. Successful people look normal and have no fear.
- You gave love for the person who also gave you lot of love and I loved you before and after you loved me.
- I guess you can protect yourself like this, however i think if you have a real boyfriend that you love, it will protect you better than this strange behavior.
- You meant probably more to me than the other girls because I stayed with you much longer than I should have.
- The biggest present during our relationship was when I saw you happily smiling.
- I wish I could stop loving you. Every time I write to you I know it is not over for me yet.

I did not have another girlfriend, I wanted to meet other people to find out what is happening to them. I did not want to tell you about it, so as to avoid a bad feeling from your side. You were spying, and injuring yourself, so at the end of the day I had to give up trusting our relationship. I did not start another one, but I need my rights to see other people. Do not forget they are very far, it was only you I had a chance to live with. Not with them.

I did not move away from our relationship easily, I spend 1,5 years with you after the first time i had to realize, that this relationship is going to fail. Nevertheless i tried everything i could to keep it together.
Every morning I woke up and wanted to give you a feeling of being secure, being loved.

I only want to have a backup of another person, when I have a serious issue with the first one. Basically I wanted to have a clean page with you, so we only think about ourselves. And we trust each other, but you were arguing and spying after me all the time, therefore the only way for me to keep our relationship alive was to meet other people and do not feel closed in into a potential failure.

Jul 1 - 1AM
better off
better off's picture

Word Salad

Agree with everyone here, of course, but also want to mention the total WORD SALAD this is...there are articles here on the site about this concept, and how the bizarre syntax and strange wording, etc. is indicative of a disordered mind. Besides being psycho blaming bullshit... it also doesn't make very much sense, in terms of the English language. I don't have time to find links on it, but please hunt around for items on word salad. That first paragraph he wrote, after the bullet points, is a real mishmash, and that line about protecting yourself with a real boyfriend, etc, makes NO SENSE at all, as has been pointed out.
Jul 1 - 4AM (Reply to #29)
ewa
ewa's picture

Me and my exN we are both

Me and my exN we are both European and English is not our native language. We are from different countries so we used to communicate in English. However this line with protecting myself with real boyfriend does not make sense at all to me.
Jul 1 - 10AM (Reply to #30)
better off
better off's picture

That's interesting. And

That's interesting. And yet, reading it again, I still think it's word salad (the real boyfriend comment being the biggest example). And perhaps you didn't notice because of the language differences. Sometimes members here who aren't native English speakers do state things in a different way because of idioms, etc, but that still has a particular "sound" to it. Narc word salad is like the letter above. Where the two or three CLAUSES in a sentence do not really go together. And the sentences contradict each other. The THOUGHTS are confused, more than the actual words. I can tell by some of your posts that you are trying to find the right way to say things in English. But his emails sound like classic Narc Speak. I hope that helps to hear that from an English speaker. :) Because you have been at a disadvantage interpreting his nonsense! My situation is slightly similar because my N was from another country, although we both use English as our native language. Yet even some of the cultural differences, and some of the ways he said things, seemed to mask a few things that I would have found immediately strange if said by an American. But I just chalked it up to him being from another country (and living abroad for many years). Instead I found out it's because he's from another PLANET!
Jul 1 - 11AM (Reply to #31)
ewa
ewa's picture

Yes you are right. We both

Yes you are right. We both work for American company,lots of people from different countries works there, so we communicate in English. He also reads a lot in English and i can say it for sure his English is much better then mine. So you it is probably a word salad :).
Jun 30 - 7PM
broken23
broken23's picture

OMG - i only want to have a

OMG - i only want to have a backup of another person when i have serious issues with the first one. WTF? yes because its perfectly normal to have backup supply when you are in a committed relationship I want to meet other people to find out whats happening and keep it from you to avoid you feeling bad. Another WTF? yes. because again its perfectly normal to hide things when there is nothing to hide. Can you notice its all you did this and you did that...so i am justified to do what i did. are you kidding me? well isnt this the perfect example of turning the truth against you! I see no accountability ewa...none what so ever. it sounds like bs. i cant believe the things that come out of some peoples mouth!
Jul 1 - 4AM (Reply to #27)
ewa
ewa's picture

"I want to meet other people

"I want to meet other people to find out whats happening " - this were actually the girls whith whom he cheated on me 1,5 year earlier. And i still can not understand why i forgave him this.
Jul 1 - 4AM (Reply to #26)
ewa
ewa's picture

"I want to meet other people

"I want to meet other people to find out whats happening " - this were actually the girls whith whom he cheated on me 1,5 year earlier. And i still can not understand why i forgave him this.
Jun 30 - 7PM (Reply to #25)
broken23
broken23's picture

i didnt even read lisa's

i didnt even read lisa's response until after i wrote mine...and i guess we are all thinking the same!
Jun 30 - 10AM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Ewa

Wow, I agree with everyone here. This is nothing but total bullshit. He is trying to mess with your head and shifting blame to you. It's insane! Oh, and this comment: "I only want to have a backup of another person, when I have a serious issue with the first one. Basically I wanted to have a clean page with you, so we only think about ourselves. And we trust each other, but you were arguing and spying after me all the time, therefore the only way for me to keep our relationship alive was to meet other people and do not feel closed in into a potential failure." Are you fu*king kidding me?! Wow, that couldn't be more telling. He is literally defining his need for Secondary Narcissistic Supply. This is such an indication of his raging narcissism. I'm so glad you ended it with him. No need to ever look back. This guy is crazy!
Jun 30 - 6PM (Reply to #23)
Steph
Steph's picture

Wow!

I have nothing more to add to what the others have said. Total bullshit.
Jun 30 - 10AM (Reply to #20)
ewa
ewa's picture

wow

:) Wow you are right! He actually did defined it! I haven't notice it before. Thank you Lisa
Jun 30 - 1PM (Reply to #22)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Ewa

Yep, no question in my mind after making that comment that he's a raging narc. Stay far far away! xoxo
Jun 30 - 10AM (Reply to #21)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

I totally agree with Lisa

I totally agree with Lisa too! He truly does define it!
Jun 30 - 9AM
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

This is the biggest load of

This is the biggest load of narc typical bullshit. He takes no responsibility of his behaviour and comes out with crap that it's YOUR fault because you found him out basically. You meant probably more to me than the other girls.........PROBABLY .... oh get stuffed loser. the only way for me to keep our relationship alive was to meet other people.... You mean women NOT people and look at the blame here, yuk he's a slimy repulsive pathological liar. Yuk get the bucket............ Get rid of him he's evil, his writing is the same bullshit the exN used on me, lies, deceipt, projection, blaming, victim..... yep it's all here. Actually they're SO predictable you gotta laugh at it, he's so arrogant too, I hope you stay NC.

Ending the dance

Jun 30 - 9AM (Reply to #18)
ewa
ewa's picture

thanks

Thanks, this really helps. Yes i do stay NC and i do not even think of going back into this. I find it easier then before to stay NC. The only problem appears only when he does contact me first. Sometimes i wished to ignore this emails he sends. I do not even know why do i respond to it if i know if does lead to nothing.
Jun 30 - 9AM
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

This is what I saw

"You're to blame. I didn't do anything wrong, and everything bad that's happening is because of you." "I'm scared you got too close to the truth about me and what I'm doing." "I'm going to keep stringing you along in case it doesn't work out with another woman." "I really wish you'd stop being strong and independent. I can't manipulate you if you keep being strong and independent. I don't want to have to work toooo hard to chase my prey, because I'm a fat and lazy hunter." Ignore this loser. My God, what a pile of crap.
Jun 30 - 9AM (Reply to #14)
ewa
ewa's picture

"I guess you can protect

"I guess you can protect yourself like this, however i think if you have a real boyfriend that you love, it will protect you better than this strange behavior" - I do not get this one. To explain we were on the training together and we had to cooperate. At some point he started positively commenting what i said with big smile on his face. I could not stand it and i looked at him like i would like to kill him. - this is what he commented as strange behavior. But i cant completely understand what he means by real bf. And what he wants to say by this anyway.
Jun 30 - 10AM (Reply to #15)
Amy
Amy's picture

He is telling you...

"I guess you can protect yourself like this, however i think if you have a real boyfriend that you love, it will protect you better than this strange behavior" He wants you to believe that your life is nothing without him, that you are incapable of protecting yourself. That you are nothing without him and life is surely better with him.
Jun 30 - 11AM (Reply to #16)
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

I agree

If mine said that to me I would have doubled up laughing. I'm a very capable woman. I've NEVER needed a man to do anything for me. Well, ok, once he and my male best friend did change my tire when it went flat. Honestly, I let them do that because I didn't feel like getting out of the warm car because it was freezing out. And they would have had no way of getting home otherwise, unless I had called someone.
Jun 30 - 8AM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

EWA

Please this guy is full of bullshit! He is just saying a lot of contraditory stuff like all narcs do,he wants you to do exactly what you are doing...keeping him and his words in your mind,is control....if he really did love he wouldn't have being messing around online or with other people ....And he called his relationship with you a potential failure....First of all if he was honest there would be no need to spy on him....He don't like being caught,thats all...and he is putting the blame on you...DUMP HIM.....He is trash,it will only get worst.....And he says he tryed to be nice....When you really love somebody you don't TRY to be nice you are NICE AND HONEST .....just respect the person you are with even the days you don't feel very good....he is a piece of shit like my ex....Allways telling me he was trying to be nice and we were trying to be together...F***k them,i am so tired of those guys...i am sorry i am really angry right now,when i read this email i got a HUGE flash back....DUMP this loser.....

Aceonelady

Jun 30 - 9AM (Reply to #12)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Right On, Aceonlady!

My gut reaction was BULLSH*T! These guys. Keep the woman spinning around like a rat on the treadmill. This e-mail means ZERO. None of the so-called relationship meant anything to the guy. This e-mail is VERBAL ABUSE. Words designed to communicate absolutely nothing. But to keep the woman spinning her wheels trying to communicate with him. The last thing this man wants is honest communication. Everything is smoke & mirrors, confusion & chaos. And, while you are busy trying to sort out the meaning . . . he's off doing what he wants while you are too distractred to notice. These guys are like a virus in your computer. The computer cannot do any of the functions necessary because the machine is frantically working away on processing the virus which accomplishes nothing. A total waste of time which ultimately destroys the utility of the computer. And that's how these guys destroy the victim.
Jun 30 - 8AM (Reply to #9)
ewa
ewa's picture

I have already dumped him

I have already duped him and moved out from him after i found out he is meeting the girl he cheated on me one and half year before. Its terrible how this kind of email can twist the mind when you are still loving this kind of person..
Jun 30 - 6PM (Reply to #11)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

What a total mess

That email is a total mindgame. Be glad you're rid of him!
Jun 30 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
GIJ
GIJ's picture

Important lesson EWA

We need to understand and have a healthy "respect" their drive and ability to destroy. What's that saying? "They are sicker than we are smart." It is best to not tangle with them and simply RUN and not look back. We are the ones that lose when we do. Even the simplest things on the surface can hurt us. Glad you dumped him!!
Jun 30 - 8AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

My honest opinion is he's

My honest opinion is he's playing you as mine does me. I've heard a lot of what your N is saying to you. I too have spied on my N and caught him talking to other women. He would get upset and break up with me because of trust issues. He would say that he is only on dating sites to talk with women and they make him feel good because I treat him like sh*t. I give this man everything under the sun. I mean everything. I do have trust issues with good reason and I have proved that to him as you have. Do not fall for his crap of only talking to these other women. This is so much crap and I know it is because my N says the exact same thing! Do they get this stuff out of text books or something? How do they all know to say the same things? I feel for you and don't fall for his lies. He's a cheater and you were right in what you've done with no contact. He wants his supply from you to know you're still here and it's bugging him so good for you! Keep NC if you can I give you a ton of credit!
Jun 30 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
ewa
ewa's picture

Good to know

Good to know your N's write same stuff. Its really good, as sometimes i have moments when i think is really my mistakes. But only sometimes now, not that often like before. I can see the situation more clearly now..
Jun 30 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

yes they do write the same

yes they do write the same stuff and it's shocking to see. They are all the same I think. They will place the blame on us for their cheating and what they're doing wrong. They cheat and we take the blame. They talk to other women and we are to blame because we aren't trusting enough? WTF! They really are little boys!! But really my 8 year old son has more sense and decency to know right from wrong than these N's.
Jun 30 - 8AM
GIJ
GIJ's picture

All bullshit

Circular conversation. I can see why you felt bad!! It is simply confusing and meant to be. Anything they can do to undermine and maintain the "haze" is the goal; to keep you off balance and questioning yourself. There is nothing authentic here at all from my read. He takes no responsibility and does try really hard to blame you to justify his bad behavior. Agreed with NC being the only way to feel like yourself again! Go with your gut instinct and turn away from him and ANY communications in any form.
Jun 30 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
ewa
ewa's picture

yes

Yes last emails were full of questions. And were really long. He used to finish email in one or 2 lines. Before he sent it we had been almost 3 weeks NC. And now i clearly see that this NC state was best. I wished i would not see him every day at work, then i am really sure getting over it would be much easier..
Jun 30 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

I used to work with my N as

I used to work with my N as well and always thought if I just didn't work with him I can end this. Well, I have been laid off my job of 5 years in February and I was let go because of my obsession and depression with my ex. He was fired from there after I was let go and he found a job as a scientist the next week in Indiana. I'm still unemployed. Whatever happens, please do not let him affect your job. Please talk with HR if you have to and get him away from you.