Perspective

This is the craziest part of my relationshit with ex Narcky. At the end of 3 years, I realised he wasnt real at all. A fictional character only. Its like he's only as good as a 2 dimension paper cutting. And I was dancing with him for 3 years. How deluded I am and craziness. The level of madness is unbelieveable. It makes me doubt my own sanity!! Sigh! I know what you are saying. It is truly a scary experience. The title should be "dancing alone".

We've all had break ups with people....and they suck! But, getting over a complete fantasy is the most difficult thing of all. I went over and over in my head what I could've done to make things have a different outcome. The answer is nothing. My therapist says the break down of a fantasy in your head is traumatic at best. It takes more time that a normal relationship. Be gentle with yourself. Don't beat yourself up for falling for it. We all did. As Oprah says, "When you know better, you can do better". You know better now. Hugs!

That was one of the more painful parts of the final D&D. The ex-Psych angrily asked me (in front of everyone), "Why do you like me?" I listed some positive qualities-compassion, kindness, that he had been patient with me. His furious response was that *I* had projected my positive qualities onto him due to my low self-esteem. I was thrown for a loop. I don't think I knew HOW to respond. I was at a loss for words. I was accustomed to the term "projection" being used in musical theater (I was a violinist in the orchestra pit in high school) to mean "if your'e onstage and you're loud enough so the people in the proscenium can hear you." I was too shocked to cry or be angry. I was NUMB. By that time, I thought it was one of the ex-P's crazy accusations. The type that by then had earned an eye roll or a snappy, sarcastic retort. I was like "There he goes again, accusing me. Accuse, accuse, accuse." My therapist has said that the ex-P reminds him of a sleazy fictional Rob Lowe character. I think that's where the pain of disillusionment comes in. If the ex-P were to pass away, how could I mourn him, if I didn't really know him? It was after the final D&D that the ex-P said he was playing a role as a teacher. He didn't see being a teacher as an aspect of himself... just a role he was playing. My reply was that he should've moved to LA to take up acting or modeling (because his girlfriend from LA had moved in with him) Hollywood is built on illusions&fictional characters. He would've been very much at home. Besides, actors&models get better pay than professors. They're idolized, adored, idealized. What pedestal could be better than that?

For me, that's been the hardest part of all... coming to terms that it was all fake. It's still very surreal to me at times. The mind games, the deception, the thinking I had found the perfect guy for ME still often has me reeling. The acceptance part is what's taking the longest, but I realize I AM getting there. SLOWLY. What I am not liking about the recovery process is that I'm afraid I am going to come out of this forever changed. That is a GOOD thing on one hand (much wiser), but I feel so jaded and guarded that I don't know if I will ever let a man have a chance to get close to me again. I don't want things to be that way, because it means the N actually still has some control over me. But I never, NEVER want to be in a situation like this again. I am strong in my NC. I know it is my only hope for healing. The whole thing seemed like a fairy tale at first, and I now continually have to tell myself "There IS no fairy tale." Period.