peachesn's story

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#1 Jan 9 - 2PM
peachesn
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peachesn's story

Finally have the courage to walk away

Hi everyone,

I have been visiting this site for the last few weeks and I have found it to be a source of tremendous support; I am so grateful that this site exists!

My ex N has been in my life for 4 years...maintained NC for 3 wks...except for responding to his xmas text (oops!)

I met him 4 yrs ago; he was interviewing me for a job(!) I found him instantly attractive and charming. He flirted w/ me during the interview and knew all the right things to say (you're so smart, you're brilliant in your line of work, etc.) I was particularly vulernable as I was new to the country at the time. We had a friendly relationship and when I was homesick and feeling down, he offered to 'take me out w/ his friends to cheer me up'. I thought it was sweet at the time but now I see it as an opportunity to prey on my vulnerability.

We started dating and initally it was amazing. I remember him saying that I would soon fall madly in love w/ him...I thought he was joking around but he wasn't. He was loving, attentive, told me he loved me w/in 2-3 wks, I was perfect, marriage material, etc. Once my head was clouded enough he began destroying every bit of confidence and self worth I had. He told me that I was fat and unless I'd lose the weight, he didn't want to be w/me; I wasn't allowed to talk to any other men (this included my housemates!) - when I did, he was furious and threw my phone across the room; he needed to know where I was at all times and w/ who; isolated me fr. my friends, called me names (whore, prick, dick, slut, stupid, fat, I hate you). Then switch back to being charming. He wouldn't have sex w/ me (I was a virgin when I met him) and when we were intimate, he rarely kissed me, rarely looked me in the eyes. I felt like I was just a body or object there for him to hump. He cheated on me...hello, Madonna whore complex!!! He also belittled my feelings when I found out my mum had breast cancer. So, when he found new supply, I was dumped and replaced. I was so low and lost...I have never been so depressed in my life.

The scary thing was that I started to believe everything he said. I believed I was worthless and that no one would ever love me. I lost 30lbs and was miserable. I really believed that I was the one w/ the problems and he was perfect.

We didn't talk for ages but then we establish some sort of relationship again. SILLY ME! He managed to convince me that he changed and really cared a/b me. So when my best friend moved away (and I was feeling vulnerable again), he entered the picture quite easily. When he needed a place to stay for a bit and I took him in, didn't charge him a penny. I cooked for him, reintroduced him to my friends (who I had to beg to give him another chance),loved him and supported him through all his 'stuff'. Again, told me he loved me, I was his best friend and the best thing in his life. We occasionally fooled around during this time but that voice in my head kept telling me that it wasn't right. He would still switch suddenly when things didn't go 'perfectly' or I misguided him in driving directions! We had a massive public argument when we missed a train and he was ranting and raving at me (again) and calling me names.

Not satisfied with me, he begins sleeping w/ another girl and gets a gf. Tells me that gf is perfect, the only girl he'd ever marry, blah, blah, blah. My heart is shattered and I basically tell him I have feelings to which he reacts dismissively and is angry w/ me for 'ruining our friedship'. So last month, I had enough. I told him I was tired of being disrespected and that I wasn't someone's throwback girl who he could use and abuse. My nanna passed away this summer and sure enough once my feelings 'got in the way' he was nowhere to be found. So I was left being the needy, sad and dependent one while he was out enjoying his time w/ his new gf. He was angry but dismissed me like I suspected he would. He has only contacted me since then on xmas day...

I know this is a safe space but part of me is very ashamed and embarassed a/b letting him back into my life, always being there for him. I was soooo madly in love w/ (the illusion of) him. I have seen him through his struggles/neediness and I'm done w/ it. What I used to think was affection and love I see as being used and manipulated. I do miss him but I know it's for the best that I have FINALLY walked away for good! :)

Jan 13 - 4PM
garudaheart
garudaheart's picture

I understand how you feel.

I understand how you feel. I'm angry too. I wish I could say that I'm letting go and succeeding in feeling better. I'm not. As a matter of fact, it just feels worse and worse everyday. It's only been 7 days of no contact for me. I definitely don't want to know who he is seeing or what he is up to. His friends became my friends and I miss them. None of them have contacted me to say that they are sorry or that they are still my friends. I'm so depressed and have little will to do anything productive for myself. I go to work and come home and try to sleep but don't sleep well... I find myself hating him and I don't like that feeling at all. I find myself wishing terrible things on him and I don't like that either. I think Lisa is right that we have to get "real" and face our emotions no matter how scary or terrible they seem. I'm struggling with this and it's taking a tole on me. My narc kept so many women in tow at anyone time, he has a ton to call on and a ton to have sex with. Of course...these jerks need constant supply so they will get it anyway they can. If they didn't have the other women they would be contacting us. I'm so weak right now I'd give in which would be the worst thing for me. I just wish that we women weren't so gullible to these disingenuous monsters. I will warn any woman I can or have the opportunity to warn about him. I have given up hope of karma. He has escaped so much karma...gotten away with so much. I just wish he could feel what I feel and deal with what I am dealing with; he caused me so much pain over the years and has never had to own any of it. It's not fair...it's not fair.
Jan 13 - 5PM (Reply to #12)
peachesn
peachesn's picture

So much of what you wrote

So much of what you wrote above resonates with me deeply. I think I've just been feeling confused, sad and angry for so long that I just want to be free of it all...I miss him, love him and hate him all at the same time! A part of me wants him to fall down on his luck and reach out to me for help and I can say NO this time! When I wonder why does he always land on his feet and why are there always willing women I have to remind myself that I used to be that girl. Well, I'm going to the gym tomorrow to pound out my frustrations! I'm reminded that it is easier w/ time and to just continue supporting myself in the best way possible. Lots of love xx
Jan 9 - 5PM
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

Peachesn

Welcome to Narcville, I am so sorry that you had to go through this. The only way to clear your head is NC. believe me, I stayed in narcville for 28 years. I went back so many time that I lost count. Please choose you! I was very ashamed at the depths to which I let him take me. This forum welcomed me with open arms and believe me all of us have been ashamed but we have nothing to be ashamed of. We fell prey to con artists. They are very good at what they do so that is why it is very important to go NC. Read, read, and read some more. the more you know about NPD the better chance you have of recovering and moving forward with your life. Peace!

victimnomore

Jan 10 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
peachesn
peachesn's picture

Thank you all for the

Thank you all for the beautiful words and messages of encouragement. Despite the fact that I'm feeling quite strong mentally, the toll this relationship has had on my mental health (coupled w/ the fact that my Nanna passed away in the summer) is expressing itself in some other damaging behaviours. When I was w/ my ex, we would often drink or do drugs. What I saw initially as a little bit of fun turned into a regular occurence. It worked for a while but then I saw that it was just another way of bringing me down...I knew that if I didn't participate in these behaviours I would lose him. And it was a great way for him to keep his facade up! Anyways, around the time that my Nanna passed away and I started standing up for myself, he decided that it was time to find new supply... Back to me tho ;) I can't stop bingeing! When we broke up, I went on a crazy diet and was at the gym 6/wk. I lost loads of weight and while I was thrilled at how I looked, I was miserable b/c it didn't bring him back (supply was high at that time). Anyways, I just can't stop eating! I know my weight is something he tried to control so I know it's tied into that but I mean it when I say that I just can't stop eating...I know that it fills me up emotionally and stuff but I need some real, practical solutions to stop the cycle of bingeing and self hatred. Any advice? Thanks x
Jan 13 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
shazza060969
shazza060969's picture

it all about you now!!

I am new here too. I thank god i found this site as logging in every day gives me hope... i am not deluded or confused, they all have the same pattern of behaviour! I have been NC for 3 weeks almost after d&d for 6 weeks prior to that. Like you I lost alot of weight, felt miserable inside but looked great outside! Rather than binge I signed up for things at 42 I have never done in my life, in terms of exercise - I am going to run a 10K with my sister, A Half marathon with my work colleagues and a 26 mile walk this year - This has given me a focus - A focus on me!. I could never have trained or orgainsed anything before because I had to fit into his schedule. I started 9 weeks ago when we spilt up and could manage 5 mins at best on the treadmill. 9 weeks later and NARC free I am up to 30 mins non stop. Everytime I get off that treadmill, it is a small victory for me (plus an endophorin rush!). Narc will never hold me back. Don't let the bastards get you down. A wise friend told me 2 weeks ago - You have been released from your prison, now fly, fly, fly!!!!
Jan 11 - 6AM (Reply to #9)
garudaheart
garudaheart's picture

I do believe in the power of

I do believe in the power of positive thinking; when you find yourself feeling very low or with feelings of self-hatred, turn it around and have a positive mantra available such as "I am beautiful and perfect exactly how I am"; write a bunch of them or find help in doing so and keep them with you at all times; put them on sticky notes around your home; in your kitchen. Write gratitude lists and review the list daily. I bought Lisa's book on getting over the narcissistic relationship and it's wonderful but there's another book written by a grief counselor called "how to get past your breakup" by susan elliott and it's got a lot of wonderful, specific ideas on how to put your ex behind you and become healthier and happier for it. There's a blog and a website set up with a lot of information. At times like this we need to reach out and allow others strength and experience hold us up. I don't know if therapy is an option for you but getting your feelings out to an unbiased and trained person might help as well. You've suffered two losses. Going to a grief counselor might be worthwhile. You have to deal with and process the feelings that eating may be helping you suppress.
Jan 10 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
spinning
spinning's picture

Hi, dear peachesn, you are brave

and honest. I am so proud of you for taking control of the situations that you know cause you pain. I thought this article might give you something to think about with regard to the binging. It sounds like you have a handle on the whys of it so maybe this can give you a tool or two to try. Also, try to change your language from "I can't stop" to "I can stop when I want to." And please do not fall into the self-hatred trap. You are a beautiful, worthy person who has done nothing wrong that is worthy of self-hatred. You have a lot to offer and a lot to feel good about. Please do not let this issue define you! I say this about the disordered freaks, too. We must REJECT their characterization of us for what it is...scrambled eggs. I hope this helps some, Peachesn. http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/diet-plans/stop-binge-eating Hugs to you and go easy on yourself. Real change takes real work and real time...be patient and go easy. Hugs from, (not) spinning. AND LONGING FOR THE DAY WHEN NO ONE WILL EVER SPIN OVER THESE DISORDERED ONES

spinning

Jan 12 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
peachesn
peachesn's picture

Garudaheart and Spinning,

Garudaheart and Spinning, Thank you both for your kind words of wisdom. Today is the first day in ages that I haven't binged...have been lighting my aromatherapy candle every night, meditating and praying... I am also seeing a therapist to help me deal w/ all my feelings and also the death of my Nanna. I absolutley adore Geneen Roth...when I thought a/b it, I think I'm eating b/c I'm scared of being attractive to men. My weight was sthg my ex picked on me for...when I was thin, I wasn't thin enough, when I gained weight, I was a fat cow. Anyways, I think my 'fat' is just my way of coping w/ all the emtional stuff and protecting myself. One day at a time! Thanks ladies! xx
Jan 9 - 5PM
garudaheart
garudaheart's picture

I have a lot of similar

I have a lot of similar feelings as you do... a lot of shame. But having a loving heart is nothing to be ashamed of. We were manipulated in the worst way. It's amazing how we can know not being with them is for the best and yet miss them. I feel pretty weak; I keep reminding myself of all the horrible things he did to me. There were so many and yet my mind tends to wander to those very few things that made the relationship "tolerable". No relationship should ever be "tolerable". It should be filled with joy and mutual respect. I know we deserve better. I'm content to be alone at this point but I pray for you and for all others struggling in abusive relationships that they have the courage to break-free forever and be open only to the right relationship; one that lifts them up. Two days after I posted my story here I heard from one of my narcs ex-girlfriends and she sent me one of the most lovely letters encouraging me to be strong. Out of all his ex's, she was the last person I thought I would hear from but she knows what I've been through. She said to me: "when I found the courage to be alone and not settle, the universe gave me just what I had been looking for. You deserve that and I know you will find it." I know you will too....
Jan 9 - 2PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Good for you, peachesn...

and welcome to the forum, though I am sorry you had to land here. You will find much information and support here. No Contact is the key. We will help you. Be kind to yourself and read, read, read. Lisa's book The Path Forward is excellent and the six steps work. YOu will be so happy you did the work. Sincerely, (not) spinning. AND IT FEELS GREAT!

spinning

Jan 9 - 2PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welcome.. Good for you..

Welcome.. Good for you.. Stand your ground ... NC = Freedom Hunter
Jan 13 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
peachesn
peachesn's picture

I've been doing so well,

I've been doing so well, practicing forgiveness and letting things go and just this morning I noticed that I've been feeling lighter and happier a/b having him out of my life. When I got home fr. work my roommate commented, "M is going travelling" and she told me that she read his status on FB and he mentions 2 girls that he's going travelling w/. This doesn't surprise me as he ALWAYS needs a woman/women to support him emotionally. He can't stand on his own, ever. It just hurts so much that he's moving on and shows all the signs of not giving a damn and not being affected by a thing whereas I'm having to do all the work to sort myself out and get over things. I'm so angry that there seems to be no justice w/ things like this and he will just continue to find kind and warm hearted women to prey on and abuse. SOOOOO ANGRY!!!!!!! I don't want to hear a/b him doing well (and actually, I told my roommate to never mention him again b/c I really don't want to know). I do believe in karma and I know that I'll be better in the long run but fml, it just makes me want to scream!!!! Grrr!