pawn shop comment

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Gaia
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pawn shop comment

Yesterday I went to the pawn shop to pawn the engagement ring XN gave me, was very hard to do, almost cried. But, why do I cry? WHY WHY WHY, I KNOW what he was, I know he didnt love me, or couldnt. I know the ring and what it stood for was a game. Why do I care so much? I tried to pawn the damn thing, and the guy at the shop said the diamond was defective. Great. XN SWORE it was a perfect diamond, he SAID even looked at it under a scope with the ring specialists to make sure he got the "perfect diamond for his perfect mate". RIGHT!!??! I am sure that was another "LIE". Needless to say, i couldnt pawn it, it was pretty worthless. Just as I feel worthless by him. Can this hole in my heart get any bigger?
At least the guy at the shop said, "dont worry about that guy, it was his "loss". That made me feel a lil better, for a moment . If its his "loss", why do I feel like I lost everything, and suffer endlessly?

I just want to crawl up in my bed today, and weep.

lillymarch
lillymarch's picture
Remember that you don't want him!
Take back some of that power. Do you want someone who would lie so easily? He's not a sane person. No one sane would hurt another like he did. You don't want him. I really had to set down my emotions and look at the facts. Mine was such a stupid lier. The things he pulled with me were my own fault in many ways. Deep down inside of me- I knew! I knew! I knew he was a weirdo. And I stayed. And now I'm awake! And I don't want him. You are awake now. When you know better, you do better. (Maya Angelo)
Gaia
Gaia's picture
so true lilymarch
I like that Maya quote, thank you! :) So true true, he had to be disordered to keep lying on top of lies. He didnt give a damn about any of my feelings, matter of fact, I recall him saying that my feelings "pissed him off" , I was always some damn walking OFFENSE to him, not even meaning to be. So weird.
Tigerlily
Tigerlily's picture
You feel like
YOU lost everything, even though it`s his loss, because he`s too damned self-involved even to recognize what he`s lost. I think we have to feel everything double that they cannot or will not feel, (love, empathy, rage, pain, despair), just as we have to do everything they refuse to do (cut the grass, take out the garbage, bring unpleasant topics to light). They have us permanently overfunctioning, because they permanently underfunction. So when it finally breaks up, we grieve for two, because they cannot and will not grieve. Gaia, I`m quite sure you`re a really wonderful woman, beautiful and clever. Did you never hear the sentence, "Your Ex. can`t have been that great - he let you go"? The man in the pawnshop was quite right. Forget the phoney narc. and his phoney ring (everything about them is phoney, why should a diamond be different). There`s a lot better waiting around the corner for you, I just know it. xoxo Tigerlily
Gaia
Gaia's picture
Wow!
Thanks tigerlily! That did make me smile :) I do feel the burden of grieving,hurt pain overtime, he could give a s*it less. I couldn't even keep up with his lies. I want to hate him, but I think he even gets off on that, cuz he use to smile and say , you hate me now ..dont ya? I just pity him now. Big hugs ,sg
Gaia
Gaia's picture
Wannaletgo
Thank you so much! He was very good at adding insult to injury, a master actually. I'm hanging on :) Hugs!
wannaletgo22
wannaletgo22's picture
I'm so so sorry...that must
I'm so so sorry...that must have really hurt. They are so good at adding insult to injury and kicking us when we are already down. It sounds like you are getting stronger and stronger though...hang in there!!
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture
At least you got a diamond
I got a fake stone - just as fake as he is!
Gaia
Gaia's picture
georgiagirl
Im so sorry hun, I did get a tiny diamond, that was defective, as defective as he is. *Hugs*
Hunter
Hunter's picture
You are suffering a loss.. a
You are suffering a loss.. a death so to speak.. You lost a dream you belived in to one big FUCKING lie.. we all did.. One positive a least you didnt marry him.. that would be 10 times worse to unravel .. You be strong he's a piece of garbage.. Hunter
Gaia
Gaia's picture
strength in illusion
Ah dear Hunter, always giving words of wisdom. Thank you sweetie, He is a piece a garbage! Garbage like the ring, the illusion, the lies,the tyranny, the bullshit. Ohh makes me so mad. I am very glad I didnt marry him, but then again he put that off left and right for years, he never wanted to marry me , it was all part of the circus act. Hugs, SG
Better than ever
Better than ever's picture
I have a story that may help....
I was always somewhat envious of the exN's relationship with his ex-wife. Although she remarried, they were still very good friends...yuck! Anyways....this wonderful, first time he had sex with, first love ex-wife got quite an engagement ring years ago.....she got an emerald!!! It was her birthstone and HE thought it was nice....years later she revealed she would have preferred a diamond....DUH!!!!!!! The point: regardless, they can't do intimacy so I guess this is the best they can muster up!!!!
Gaia
Gaia's picture
better than ever
HAHAHHAH!! DUHHHH! Its true dear, they havent a clue how to be REAL or intimate. Even the idea of being romantic is so far from their defective minds. i remember the days of our anniversaries, and he would buy like household items , appliances, shit like that. HELLO? Not romantic! And he had this obsession with giving me flowers, he brought them to me EVERYDAY until my house looked like a flower graveyard! It became very depressing, seeing all these dead flowers. I never complained, because I didnt want to seem ungreatful, but inside I was thinking, "what is with this guy"?
Better than ever
Better than ever's picture
LOL.....I used to tell my exN
LOL.....I used to tell my exN how much I didn't like flowers because they die, etc.....would rather the money be spent other ways....even hinted around anniversary / Valentine's Day how much I liked jewelry (even costume jewelry - didn't have to be expensive...) ....never ever received jewelry, even after 2 years....go figure!!!!!
Gaia
Gaia's picture
They are so stupid
Me too, I had to complain for years, fight even! He just kept getting me flowers , took 3 years to get a piece of jewelry, I would of been ok with costume jewelry too! But he didnt have to.lie about the diamond . Lol Xx sg