I messed up today

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#1 September 30, 2009 - 3:48pm
Anonymous (not verified)
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I messed up today

I messed up today. I veered off of my script(what I am suppossed to say and do when my N calls me) and I answered the phone instead of waiting 20 minuets and calling him back. I allowed him to "push my buttons" and get me upset and yelling. I said alot of things I shouldn't. I fed the vampire, so to speak. I went off on him and cussed him out. I think it was because I had a "hugging" dream about him again. I hate those dreams. I allowed him to threaten me. And to frighten me. I took a giant step backwards in doing this. I wish the court would hurry up and make it to where I don't have to talk to him. I am not in a strong enough state right now to dodge his manipulations. I just need more NC time before I can interact with him. On any leval.
I feel bad. I am trying to forgive myself. I am just mad at myself because now I am afraid of him again. I hate that. I wish I wouldn't have answered the phone.
I didn't evan look at the caller ID when I answered because I was driving and in a hurry. I thought it was my mom calling. Oh well. What's done is done.
Leah

September 30, 2009 - 8:08pm
grossot
grossot's picture

Leah

I'm glad you posted; I was getting concerned about you. Admit it; it felt good right? Just a little? Venting and letting him have it? You know why its hard not to? Cos we knew the nice guy. The guy who could never rage like that and so part of us wants so badly to think they are normal that we treat them as though they were. Give yourself a break. You have a great plan in place. Its not fair that you have to even have a plan regarding ansering a phone but just keep reminding yourself "its not forever". Blessings to you! ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled
September 30, 2009 - 7:54pm
NanC (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Leah

Don't sweat it! Just look at it as you messed up on your diet and you just need to start again! (Except the diet is much safer!). Look at it as, oh well, it was just dumb shit anyway! He pushed your buttons and I guarantee it, he'll be over it and won't think twice about it because they are so self centered while you are still over there fuming. Don't waste your energy. If he calls again, just blow him off and ignore him. Besides, you don't really know who's calling, "Is it Dr.Jekyl or Mr. Hyde?" Treat him like a stranger, because in reality, that's exactly what he is!
September 30, 2009 - 4:59pm
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

Why are so overly

Why are you so overly responsible for what he triggers in you. Maybe your anger is better vented than staying surpressed inside of you and giving you an ulcer. Women are taught to swallow anger as a defense against violence from men. You feel guilty that you got angry, in a safe setting on the phone, and raged at him. It sounds like a normal thing. the more you do the no contact the less emotional suffering is involved and the less re-action. It sounds like you are going through the normal stages of disengaging from a really bad guy and getting your emotional freedom back. You were abused and all beings react strongly to abuse. You are letting him know he did not break you. Soon enough he will be out of sight and out of mind then you can look to the future and find a good life-the life that you deserve and that he will be forever jealous of.
September 30, 2009 - 4:02pm
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Leah

just get back on the wagon AND FIND LEGAL REPRESENTATION SO HE HAS TO DEAL WITH THEM NOT YOU. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.