Passive-Aggressive

Wow. This book says it all. I think though, that there is a distinction between P/A behavior, which is self-defeating and serious, and narcissism. Narcissism seems to take P/A behavior and magnify it to a whole new level. The ExN defintely was all about P/A. Classic family life to make a P/A guy. But it seems like the difference is that a guy who *only* suffers from P/A, knows he has a problem and seeks help for it. The N, on the other hand, doesn't think he needs help because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him - it's everyone else who's F'd up. Of course, deep down he does know that there's something wrong, but to consciously admit it, just like to offer a sincere apology, is beyond the realm of possibility because it would mean admitting that he's fake. So sad. But thanks for the recommendation - reading it brought me peace.

I completely, completely understand how you feel. I feel the same way. And I think his P/A and covert narcissim has made it far more difficult to get over it. If he were an overt asshole, or if our relationship had gradually declined, I would have been far more able to move on. Instead, I was blindsided and the D&D started only two days after he had told me that his feelings for me surpassed anything he'd felt for a woman before. I couldn't for the life of me understand. I had an inkling that the minute he realized that he loved me, he got scared shitless and had to distance himself from me to preserve his sense of identity, but I couldn't articulate it at all. Nor could I understand it. It wasn't until I read that link you sent that I realized that this just wasn't an intuition in my head, that this is a real problem that people have. That link explains his behavior exactly. My library didn't have the book but can get it from another so I hope to have it in the next couple of days. I can't say that the ExN wasn't abusive (he was manipulative and duplicitous) - but he was a lot different than most of what I read about on this site. My story tells it all in gory detail. He was cerebral (he didn't cheat on me while we were together, although it was only for 6 months so he probably would have had we stayed together longer). And he seemed more thoughtful - I don't mean in a more sensitive way, just more introspective and less blatantly an asshole (or at least until the D&D). Covert I guess is a good way to put it. He at first seemed like such a beautiful, wonderful boy. The link that you sent plus the one I found this morning are exactly what he acted like. And his childhood (dominant mother / passive father) is classic for a P/A in the making. Oedipal conflict never resovled. That's why I felt sad for him reading it but also, like you said, found some peace. The other thing he doesn't do is bug me. I asked for NC and he's honored that. It's hard because I still miss him so much, even 10 months later. But I know it's for the best for both of us. I've decided that if I ever do hear from him again, I will respond by killing him with kindness. It's clear that he's never truly felt loved, understood or accepted. And while I have no intention of ever going back, I do believe it's important for people as damaged as he is to know that he is loved. So if he contacts me, I will tell him that I love him and always will but that sometimes the best way to show your love for someone is to set them free.