Passed Fireguy

24 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 27 - 1PM

angelgal

Passed Fireguy

And his "long distance gf" on the road today. I know its bound to happen, since he only lives three blocks away from me. It just bothered me much MORE than I wished it would have. He didn't see me, but I saw them. They were at the same traffic light I was at but they were in the turn lane and I was going straight. They looked happy together from what I could tell. She was smiling and they looked like they were talking and smiling. She is very pretty and he looked like the nice perfect boyfriend next to her. It all makes me so so sick, angry and sad inside! I went home and just cried! But, WHY? I'm so stupid, I know. Why cry over what she has? Cause she has an effin LOSER! If he was TRULY a "good guy", he never would've lied about having a gf and used me for his own sexual needs and pleasures! NEVER! GOOD GUYS don't treat women this way!! HORRIBLE guys do this, right? A good guy NEVER would have done this to me, not even one time! He would've been honest with me, caring, wanting to know me and would have let me know him, instead of pushing me away and lying about EVERYTHING! He would've taken me places and not been sooo cheap with me and NOT treated me like some whore! He would've been there for me with all I'm going through with my Mom and NOT given me all this extra hurt and pain in my life. I know all this, but why does it STILL hurt like a knife? I just want it all to go away so bad!!

Please bare with me, I'm having a really bad day, my Mom has been having a rough past few days with her health and seeing him today just made everything worse for me. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity, just support and reassurance and as I'm pretty down and need your extra encouragement today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

#2 Feb 27 - 4PM

smarternow

your fireguy

hi angel, your experience seems similiar to mine. my ex fireguy lives nearby as well. i have maintained nc for most of the last 3 yrs and he has a long distance gf too that he lied about and concealed. i am smarter now in understanding his motives and lack of conscience but stilll deal with ptsd which is hard since the fire trucks are nearby my house. talk about adrenilin problems! i make sure to get myself to the gym everyday to address those times when i'm triggered...i look the other way literally when he passes and he's still there, waving frantically, like the 6 year old he is. "look at me!! look at me!!! peace

#3 Feb 27 - 4PM (Reply to #23)

angelgal

WOW, Smarternow

Your experience DOES sound so much like mine! It blows my mind at what liars and cheaters some of these fireguys can be! He really thought he was great and has everyone else believing it, too! Boy, does he have them fooled, and this makes my blood boil, just like Serene said, they have everyone thinking they are the BEST, when they are the WORST! If their friends/family/co-workers only knew the truth like we do! Everytime I hear a firetruck, I wanna cringe! I understand how you feel. The thing is, I really think mine thought I would never find out about the long distance gf, and he could keep me on the side and stop things with me before she moved here...but I am much smarter than he thought, and I did find out! It took some work, on my part, investigating, snooping, etc..but ultimately, I found him out and he DIDN'T like that! These guys HATE to not be looked at like the "great guys" they want us all to believe they are! The way he concealed everything was pretty easy for him, really...and I'm so mad at myself because there were many red flags. Going away on a lot of his weekends off, saying he didn't want a relationship, not letting me FULLY know him, not taking the time to FULLY know me, rushing me to leave after we had sex, never letting me get "too close". All of this has hurt me so deeply and when I saw him with the gf today, REALITY hit me! It was like this is WHY he treated me the way he did all that time! She was special to him, I wasn't. Lucky her, right?

#4 Feb 27 - 1PM

serene69

Be strong

Things like this are hard. Though I have not seen my N in person, I hear about him and have read odd things and although they are not about him and other women, they are things where people praise him etc and yes it makes my blood boil. He seems so happy and successful. but I have to tell myself he is an arsehole. Imagine if I was back with him. Would he change when he is in an intimate situation? No he won't. Maybe he was going through a good day with his gf when you saw them. Maybe she is stupid enough she doesn't realise the subtle putdowns etc etc. She is with someone who cheats and lies - do you want that? You are worth so much more than her. There are plenty of real men out there who don't treat women like dirt, don't play with our emotions like these type of men. Even if she thinks she is happy with him now, it will not last. It might all be a front with her too. My ex N had a marriage that lasted 8 years. Then a partner for another 7 or so years. I bet every outsider thought they were great relationships etc etc. His ex told me though the vile things he said and did to her. And also she knew how he had really treated his first wife - with the exact same distain. But behind closed doors it is a completely different matter.

#5 Feb 27 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

angelgal

Thanks for your support, Serene

Seeing him is hard, especially with the gf because I never got the same treatment she has gotten, I was treated like a whore. Atleast, he has let her know him and he is not only using her for sex...she gets to drive in his car and get taken places, he barely gave me that much. You're right, he is a liar and a cheater, there is no changing that, no matter how great things may seem. I can only hope and pray everyday that "behind their closed doors" things are different and she starts to see him for who he TRULY is!

#6 Feb 27 - 5PM (Reply to #3)

serene69

We're all here to support each other

I was the 'secret' one too. Kept me pretty much away from anywhere where people might see us together. Never invited me anywhere. When he was busy I would say well maybe just meet for lunch or something but no never. Usually he would just come to my place - and never stay the night either. I heard after I had exposed him that he had another girl on the go whom he took to parties etc - so I too think well why did he feel he could show her in public - but not me? How did he decide which would be the secret one and which was the one he could show off? I know it was nothing to do with me though - I know the decision was not because I am ugly, stupid etc. That was just his decision for some reason and I have to just realise that. The arsehole that he is.

#7 Feb 28 - 3PM (Reply to #10)

angelgal

Sick reasoning behind not taking me places..

I was kept secret and not taken places...but not because he was afraid that others might see us together, the long distance gf lived 7hrs away. I only wish that was his reason!! I TRULY believe the reason he didn't want to take me places and wouldn't come over my place (well, he did once) was because he felt as long as he wasn't "spending money and quality time" with me, or going out of his way for me, like coming to my place, taking me out etc...it was NOT considered cheating in his EFFED up head!!! I could only go to his place but he felt it would be "cheating" if he came to my place! I live three blocks from him, yet he would travel on an airplane to see the gf! Like Barbara always says, they have a different set of "rules" and they are not "wired" like us, so he was able to justify this sick reasoning in his SICK head! He also would say that "spending the night" is a relationship, of course, what he would say he didn't want at the time, LIAR LIAR LIAR! So, we were NEEEEEEEEEEEVER allowed to spend the night at each other's houses...EVER! That would be breaking "his rules"! He did stay at my place the one time he came over til almost 2am!!! I guess he broke one of his rules that night!!! I guess he was ok with that because it was ONLY one time that he came to my place! LOSER! I STRONGLY believe he as felt as long as he kept it just "sexual" with me and that he wouldn't let me "too close" and take the time to fully know me or let me fully know him, that what he was doing was REALLY ok and wasn't cheating! When I think back, there were times that he wouldn't ask me things about my life he just kept it short and would talk about everyday things. He wouldn't try to get to know me, for me, or allow himself to invest in knowing me, so why ask me about "ME" and my life and likes and interests? That would be cheating and getting to know me and developing something between us, but yet, sex or doing sexual things wasn't cheating to him, isn't that messed up?? OMG, just writing this is making me ill! It's just so disgusting how sick and twisted of a guy he is! UGH!!!!!!! He told me on a few occasions that he felt that bj's were not cheating and admitted to how messed up that is, but its how he feels! I told him that he was wrong and asked him, "do good guys believe that bj's aren't cheating?? No reply, but maybe a "sigh". When I think of it all now, all I can say to that is, WOW, what a sick f! Another reason I thought he didn't want to take me places, too, was because he was a CHEAP SOB! To be honest, his nickname was cheapskate at the firehouse, not something to be proud of, in my opinion! I can't believe he actually told me that! He was the CHEAPEST guy I've ever met in my whole life! Would ducktape his lawn shoes together so he wouldn't spend the money for a new pair, (I told him to go to Walmart, but he wouldn't and even offered to get him a new pair of shoes) he had no curtains anywhere in his house...only blinds, said curtains were a waste of money...thought buying pizza for his fireman buddies and letting them pay the tip was doing something BIG for them! LOL Never bought his family and friends Christmas presents, he would say, "I don't buy gifts". I told him he was cheap once, and you know, he told me he understood why I felt that way because he would never take me anywhere, he apologized and said that it hurt him that I thought that way of him! One thing I noticed, he didn't like when I thought BAD things of him, like it really disturbed him and he really seemed to be bothered about what others "thought of him", especially if it was in a "negative way". Extra bothered!!! Not like the way the average normal person would feel. Bottomline, his reasoning for not taking me places was EFFED up, if he could f me, he should've been able to atleast take me somewhere and treat me somewhat decent, thats the least he could've done! I told him HORRIBLE guys treat girls like this and he was very bothered, not bothered enough to me! WHAT A LOSER! P.S. When I say "bothered" I don't mean bothered because he cares about me, NO WAY, we know he only cares about himself, bothered because he doesn't want me or anyone to know the "REAL HIM"!!!

#8 Feb 28 - 9PM (Reply to #15)

rache

Giving him

WAYYYYYYYYY to much credit for caring about the GF or you.......they do NOT give a RATS A.. about anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#9 Feb 28 - 9PM (Reply to #16)

angelgal

Rache

I'm definitely not giving him credit for caring about me, NO WAY!! I know he never gave a sht about me. I agree, I'm probably giving him too much credit about the gf...I have this distorted picture in my head that things are great with the GF and seeing them in the car just made it worse! I guess I figure, he let her move in with him from her hometown, takes her places, introduced her to his family... he MUST care for her in some way...I sure never got all that. It shouldn't bother me, I know, cause I know the "real him", she knows Mr. FAKE/PRETEND guy! I know, ultimately, he ONLY cares about his own selfish self. Thanks for the reminder, dear!

#10 Mar 1 - 4PM (Reply to #21)

rache

GF

is being ~USED~ she is just there to use.....no love,care,emotion just what HE wants from her! She will be an empty shell sucked dry by him.................

#11 Mar 1 - 4AM (Reply to #18)

serene69

Angelgal

I spoke to my N's ex. She has recently split from him. She told me the horrendous way he had treated her the 6 years they were together. They had a child and he even coldly said to her when their son was about 4 that the worst thing she ever did was not have an abortion. About his own son! He said this shortly after she found out he had been having an affair for 5 years with another woman. Yet outsiders think their family unit is wonderful - that he is a doting father. They have a lovely home together and everything is totally hunky dory most people think. Indeed probably there are many women jealous of the fact she was/is with him as he is 'such a great and caring and sensitive guy.' That there was absolutely nothing wrong! He has kept it very quiet too that they have split (does nothing for his image after all.) Many people don't know they have because he keeps everyone at a distance - no real close friends. Absolutely vile things he did to her, said to her. Made her life a hell. When she found out about all his cheating and wanted to move out, he accused HER of breaking up the family - ! Many women will stay with these guys even if they have seen past the fake/pretend guy - so the GF may well be getting terrible treatment from him - but can't pull away. Just think - so what anyway what is happening to the GF. The way he treated you shows he is not worth ever being with - he will never change and the behaviour he has shown in the past proves he would make your life miserable. Count yourself lucky actually that you are not the proper GF - that is what I try to tell myself (as I was the secret one too.) because actually I was less involved in the life of my N and he was less involved in mine - so in some ways it is easier to move on. Though of course I still have a great deal of anger that I was used by my N - was just part of a game for him.

#12 Mar 1 - 5PM (Reply to #19)

angelgal

Serene, the sad thing is...

My cousin contacted the gf and told her everything about Fireguy and what he did to me!! She told her how he used me for sex and lied for a whole year about NOT having a gf, gave her the whole story and she really really wanted to know EVERYTHING! Yet, ultimately, she believed his lies and took his word and still left her hometown and moved down here with him! FOOLISH!!! I ONLY wish, Serene, I had someone warn me about him! I would've listened and believed, because I have learned in my time that you can't make this stuff up about these guys, they lie and they cheat and most of them cannot be trusted! Why would some girl take the time to share such information? She wouldn't waste her time, if it wasn't true. She just doesn't have a clue on how lucky she was to be told, before she took the leap to leave her whole life back home, so I don't feel too sorry for her anymore. He was DEFINITELY not worth leaving a hometown for! You made a GREAT POINT, Serene! "The way he treated you shows he is not worth ever being with, he will never change". I couldn't agree more, I just need to change my way of thinking that maybe "she is different" or "more special" than me and thinking that he will treat her better than me! In a way, he has treated her somewhat better because she has atleast gotten taken places and has been allowed to meet his family and friends and welcome to spend the night at his house, I was never allowed to do those things with him...and its REALLY messed me up! I know, in the long run, your right, he will always be NO GOOD, no matter who he is with! No good guy does these things! I understand your anger about your EX, some days I am so angry for the way fireguy used me like I was NOTHING!! All the degrading acts, having the gf, letting me care for him KNOWING all along what he was doing! Then other times, I'm in such pain that he could be so heartless. We both never deserved this, I know that much. All I can do is pray that someday, the gf sees him for who he really is and she will remember me and will think to herself, I should've listened to the secret girl's cousin!

#13 Mar 1 - 5PM (Reply to #20)

serene69

Im sure she will see him for

Im sure she will see him for what he really is. Maybe she does now but can't at the moment get herself away from him. When I spoke to the ex of my N, she told me that the N's wife before her had told her exactly what he was like - but she had chosen to stay with him (I think really because she got pregnant very early on in the relationship and tried to make it work.) I was kept away from the friends, never taken places etc etc but I feel now actually I am in a better position now, because we did not share as much together, there is no-one we really know in common etc so it is easier for me to get away from him in some sense. Though I am of course still so angry that he basically just used me for his little game. But no these guys will not be having a fun time with whatever woman they are with - and the GF will not be having a good time I can assure you. I remember only once meeting a friend of my N when we went away and stayed the night at this friend's place. We must have looked to outsiders as if we were totally happy, but I was already seeing the signs then, was almost scared of him. I remember that night we went to bed and he fell asleep and I actually cried myself to sleep. I just felt so unhappy - yet I still did not end it then. But I knew this wasn't how a real relationship feels. I knew that something was wrong. Take heart and believe that the gf will know what he is really like - and that we are better people than these Ns - and one day you will find happiness with a real man. I tell myself, don't let this arsehole beat you! I am going to become an even better person now - and i am going to go out there and achieve many things, make myself look good and stick two fingers up at him! (not in reality - just in my imagination) :)

#14 Feb 28 - 10PM (Reply to #17)

Barbara (not verified)

angelgal

PLEASE READ: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/11/other-woman-now-hes-happy-her He doesn't give a crap about anyone but himself. Everything else is an ACT because he wants something. Period. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#15 Feb 28 - 4PM (Reply to #11)

Barbara (not verified)

justifications

Psycho-Boy had one huge reason for not wanting to be seen with me, the one he SAID "I couldn't control myself around you!" Afterward he now says it was because I am a "fat pig, ugly, a horror, smell bad, embarrassing, a stalker, unf*ckable, a stalker" http://thestumblingblock.wordpress.com/2007/03/15/he-said/ yes, I am morbidly obese. Multiple surgeries and medications along with a severe hormone disorder does that to some people. He knew EXACTLY what I looked like before he saw me of course these Vampires always stoop to some Jr. High justification of treating us like crap. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#16 Mar 1 - 5PM (Reply to #12)

angelgal

Barbara, fireguy said the same exact thing...

Pyscho Boy said to you! He would tell me that he would not be able to "control himself" if he was around me. That we had a "strong sexual chemistry" and he would always want to sleep with me! I'm sorry, he said, "have the urge"! At one point, he said that "we needed to stay away from each other". Mind you, I still had no clue about the long distance gf! So, I was totally confused! What WHACKOS!! How dare Pyscho Boy say such terrible things to you! Fireguy would never even give me compliments! Not EVER! Another RED FLAG! I guess this was his way of staying in "control" and not "cheating" on the gf as long as he said nothing sweet to me!

#17 Mar 1 - 5PM (Reply to #13)

Barbara (not verified)

angelgal

oh yeah... the urge... after I busted him and told his wife (which he convinced her I made it all up, was lying and now she helps him harass me) - he looked up an ex-client of mine and the two of them posted this stuff on the net everywhere they could (since removed) http://thestumblingblock.wordpress.com/2008/07/12/lashon-hara-from-ywl/ my PTSD counselor told me the "I can't control" thing is not just a lame excuse but an NLP command to make YOU feel out of control. It sure did. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#18 Mar 1 - 9PM (Reply to #14)

rache

I can relate

wife #3 is my old psycho's accomplice and shes a lawyer..her son a felon as per him telling me.What a team,hugh?

#19 Feb 27 - 6PM (Reply to #4)

MsVulcan500

Angel and Serene,

Let me tell you about the GF all happy in the car at the stoplight. I was that GF. And if you had pulled up next to me and my N you would have thought we were a happy couple too. But that was frequently not the case. Sure we smiled and laughed, but those came in flashes. Those moments were pretty short-lived. Remember, you are seeing just a flash of their relationship. If you were to sit at a table next to them at a restaurant, or spend the evening in the living room where they were watching TV, you would pick up comments and looks that would not have meant much to you before, but you would see as demeaning and abusive now. She does not have it better than you. She has a cheater and a liar for a boyfriend and you have knowledge and freedom. Also, while I never knew of any cheating, I always suspected. I always felt he had one foot out the door, and was looking for the bigger, better deal. I guess I was what you would call the "public" one, the GF who got taken places, and got his idea of quality time. But there were also parts of his life that were still secret, that I was intentionally left out of, where I suppose he was trolling. He wanted me there at his beck and call, but he stopped wanting to have sex, and it felt like I was spending time with my brother. It grew to be a very platonic relationship, and was not fun. I have no idea why they choose one to be the public one over others, they certainly don't care about one more than the other. They just have different uses for everyone in their lives, and if you are of no use to them, well we all know what happens then. So, she is not as happy as you are thinking she is. I would bet he is still keeping secrets from her, he's lying to her, possibly cheating on her, and she's just there to take care of him. So seeing them for a minute while sitting at a stoplight does not paint an accurate picture of her life. Don't feel bad for yourself. You were in a car where you didn't have to pretend he just said something really funny.

#20 Feb 27 - 8PM (Reply to #5)

smarternow

the new long distance gf ain't got it so good

oh wow. it helps to be reminded that only the players change for the narc. my ex narc has a gf that lives 3 hrs away. i'll bet anything he's well behaved when he's with her, since she is years older she thinks she needs him, he is 8 years younger BUT she is LOADED and he has no money. poor thing,she will probably move here when her child grads hs IF he can keep up the MASK between now and then....i think she's an inverted narcissist and kindly MIRRORS everything he says and does, now wears glasses like his, talks like him, likes the same things he likes...and she is 55 years old...left her husbnd "for:? ? him...now he is her problem as he is still on dating sites and i'm sure spends his nights away from her watching porn (something i never knew about till the end). so? thanks for reminding me he is no great shakes, and thanks to my adrenlilne rush when i glimpse him, i see it as my body's way to say (like monty python) "run away, run away".... sigh.

#21 Feb 27 - 8PM (Reply to #6)

admin

smarternow

There is NO SUCH THING as an "inverted narcissist"

#22 Feb 27 - 8PM (Reply to #7)

smarternow

got it here and other places:

sam vakin explanation of two narcissists getting along ? not defending just explaining where i got the term

#23 Feb 27 - 8PM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

smarternow

Oh I knew EXACTLY where & what you got it from. But THERE IS NO SUCH THING... Often the partner of a pathological will take on their traits in a psychologically defensive move... also they are often so brainwashed that they simply do the bidding of the pathological rather than fight it. They are NOT 'inverted narcs' or 'codependents' - the APA and research even says NO SUCH THING!!! http://www.enpsychopedia.org/index.php/Sam_Vaknin Stop listening to the spew of a psychopath who calls everyone some sort of narc in order to make them feel bad. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#24 Feb 27 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

smarternow

thank you

thank you barbara. after looking into previous posts on the subject here, i get it...and am grateful for the education.

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