Parenting with the Narc--in a situation

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#1 Aug 13 - 10AM

narcdx3

Parenting with the Narc--in a situation

Ok so I've been NC basically for about 2 months---only responding to questions about our child and not to anything personal. My child was sick and to go to the Dr. and he demanded to be there--out of town 45 min drive. Ok so I'll meet you there--in the past I would get trapped into going with him and it was a terrible experience. So he calls to see if I'm there and I am but getting new insurance papers filled out(I had ins where I worked and after the divorce added my children--he is court ordered to have insurance on her but it was no more to add her since I had to add my son so I added her). I never told him cause it wasn't a big deal. Well it was a big deal. He goes off and wanted to know why in the crap I put her on my ins. Well it didn't cost me any more so why not. Long story short he raged on the phone til I said ok gotta go. So I meet him in the office and he says "I wasn't trying to be difficult it's just that there is no reason for you to do that." I responded back it was no increase cost 2 is better than 1 end of story. Since he played a role in me loosing my job I said, "well it ends at the end of this month and I don't think medicaid is going to pick her up so you can stop thinking about it". That seemed to pacify him---thinking I was without a job, without insurance and without him---so my adrenalin is going up up up. Then we get called back to the exam room--small room me and narc--not pleasant!! He tries to make small talk about his sick aunt and I answer short and sweet---now here's the deal. I feel guilty for being short like he was trying to be nice and I was all flat and short. Then he asks me to bring our child to a community(his home community) get together tonight. He has to work but since his work is in a car and on a when called basis he will be there serving and protecting. He wants me to bring her and let him entertain her and the public while I do what??? stand around like the devoted wife. So I felt all trapped and thinking, "O no I don't want to he's going to make me" then I remember, he's not my husband any more and I'm not required to do this for him anymore. so I say XXX(the community) really is not where I want to spend my Friday night. So he says in his oh so sad poor me tone, "yeah I know but I have to work and she wants to come" I said she's 3!!! So he calls my brother and tells him she's going. I know before today is over he's going to guilt me. Why in the world does this happen???? Am I required as am mother to do this? to endure him and his pals for a night of torture???

#2 Aug 13 - 5PM

betty2020

Help her out moms

Help her out moms co-parenting with the Narc. If you can throw up some schedules of visitation and how it is handled it would be great.... xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#3 Aug 13 - 4PM

betty2020

Not only are you NOT

Not only are you NOT required to do this as a mother, you are putting yourself and child at risk. This man has controlled, conned and manipulated you for a long time. You have now taken action to break the cycle of abuse you have been under. Your child deserves her mother. She needs you and relies on you. Can you effectively give her everything and be the support system she needs when you are in the clutches of the abuser? I dont think so. The time you should be giving to her, you are now giving to him. Making accommodations for a person that has destroyed your life is not good in any respect and down right dangerous. Your focus needs to be on you in recovery and your daughters needs period. His requests to be at dr appts or anything else is just another Narc tactic to suck you back in. He can call the doc if he is that concerned. Hes using the child as a tool now. Take back the control before its too late hun. Tell him that if he needs to be at any function or a dr appt or whatever, that it will need to be when you are not there. So if he wants to take her to the drs himself then arrange for him to pick her up at a family members to take her and drop her back off there. One of the biggest issues we face in parenting with these freaks is them using their own children as tools. It sickens my stomach to see the depths these creatures will go in attempts to retain supply. They know just how to get to us. Play on the heart strings of a loving mother. Disgusting and pathetic! Dont let him do this. Set the boundaries NOW. Follow them to the letter. This contact you have with him is dangerous to your health and to your sanity. And this steps way outside the boundaries of what you should set for yourself and what is expected of you. Please understand that i say this in the most loving way. Its time to lay the ground work for the future as you have a long road ahead of you with him. Set the ground rules and follow thru to the end. Its the only way to deal with them. Forget about working with them, thats impossible. You set the rules and you stick to them otherwise you are setting yourself up for a treacherous road till she is 18. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#4 Aug 13 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

betty2020

Remember that the actions

Remember that the actions you take now are going to have a profound effect on the mental health of your daughter when she gets older. Keep her safe from the abuse as best you can and she will be a healthy and happy individual in the future. If you want to know what happens to the ones that didnt get so lucky and had to live a life of hell through their childhood, just ask some of our board members that are here b/c of parental narcissistic abuse. It is tragedy beyond words.... only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#5 Aug 13 - 2PM

custody

Is it your custody night with the child? If so, then I would simply say, "Sorry we have other plans." Then go have a funfulled time with your child. If it's his, then say "I have other plans."

#6 Aug 14 - 9AM (Reply to #7)

narcdx3

Custody

Here in my state you have to go to mediation before the court hearing to work it out amongst yourselves. The day I went I was in a panic--I told the receptionist that this was the most evil thing a judge could make you do. So he did his typical Narc stuff and I gave in and gave him all his worldly goods--which if he divided with me would have been a significant amount of money and here is our custody: he works alternating shifts 2 wks days, 2 wks nights and days off change every 12 wks. He gets her the night before his day off and brings her back at 6 his 1st day back at work. That is the court order. His mother is to keep her for all work related child care(well I'm not working so she's with me). He lives behind his mother so he visits her while she's there. Until I lost my job he would bring her home when he worked days but not until 6pm saying, "I get her 1/2 time." All I was getting was bath time and bed time. So there is a + to me loosing my job--I've gained my life and kids back. I agreed to this plan thinking it was no different than the way we were already doing it but it turns out he is constantly saying my days off changed and not giving me notice(in 15 years they never changed like this). Here is my opinion--he worked so hard to ruin me at my job, working with my BFF and then after I made the major mistake of messing with my narc boss he worked with him too to make sure that I lost my job. I'm a nurse and should have no problem finding a job. I live in a small area and have applied for jobs here and a few in other areas. So far 3 wks and no job. The rumors are rampent and he's sitting back thinking I'll come crawling back to him. I was not married to him when I had the brief relationship with my boss, it was descrete and not a problem until he DD me and went out and told everybody about it and built an army to destroy me. I reported him and got fired but the rumor of course is that the sex done me in. So the hoover is starting---he thinks I'm at my lowest point ever, my reputation is ruined, I can't find a job, I'm without a man(he thinks I have to have 1 when it's him who has to have supply, I'm content to be alone), the list goes on. When he crosses the custody lines I have allowed it to make peace but as always things get outa hand and I have to threaten court and he backs off. IDK I'm just in a pit right now. Thank yall for listening and giving me great advice. Betty I know everything you're saying and totally agree---I would never expose either of my kids to the day to day life of him being in it again. I worry my son has already picked up narc traits. he was 3 when Narc came into his life, he's now 8 and sometimes talks to me just like narc did. I just don't want to deny my daughter her other family and of course if i say no to anything he plays on that.

#7 Aug 14 - 3PM (Reply to #8)

custody

His inconsistency with the schedule is stressful for you & the kids. The only one benefitting is him. And how are you supposed to find a job without a set schedule? I set it up so we alternate weekends (He brings her home Sun evening) & he has her 1-2 days in the week. (1 if its his weekend) This makes my PRIMARY custodian. Why is this important??? 1.Taxes--the primary parent gets the child deduction & day care costs 2. Child support--the non-custodial parent must pay depending on his salary. If I make a $100k & he makes $30k, he still has to pay me. Don't threaten court. Get a good lawyer. Ask around. Do NOT let him know what you are up to. Then TAKE HIM TO COURT.

#8 Aug 14 - 4PM (Reply to #9)

narcdx3

Custody

In mediation we set it up already and at the time I agreed to the he gets her at 6 the night before his days off and brings her back at 6p the day he goes back to work--gives him 3 total days but he kept on until we called it joint custody. It boiled down to he wasn't going to pay child support. Turned out I made about 20,000 more a yr than him and he agreed no support(with joint I would owe him). Well now with no job the state will take him over and make him pay me now without court. My attorney tried to talk me outa agreeing with him at mediation and taking it to court---I did not want a public battle and I thought we could manage it without the stink. Now my attorney is saying, "I told you no good deed goes unpunished--I told you you were being too good to him". I was just trying not to get a 18year narc war going. But the very day we left mediation he called DHS on me said my house was dirt, I had a dog in the house and I let my son play with a BB gun unattended(that was a huge joke cause I barely let him play with it attended and EVERYBODY knows that) and my house isn't dirty it has toys and kids in it and the dog lived outside so I said to my attorney after that lets go to court. It was too late, papers were signed and Narc chilled out just knowing that DHS had been to my house and my nerves were shot. I knew it because my 8 year old told me people came to school to talk to him. I bout died, how could that jerk do that to my kids. Anyway long story short I was trying to make peace and made a mess.

#9 Aug 15 - 11AM (Reply to #11)

sanctuary

I'm so sorry about what

I'm so sorry about what you're going through. But it sounds oh so familiar. I haven't been on here for awhile due to my own court battle and partly due to some of the other drama that was going on here. But the co-parent issue is very important to me and now I'd like to help others if I can. I've been dealing with it for going on 10 yrs now. I too had other children from my first marriage being around the N in addition to the daughter we had together. They don't view the kids any differently than they do us; objects to be manipulated as they see fit for their gratification. Making peace won't work. They want to get to you any way they can and unfortunately there is no end to the stuff they will do, to you and your children. DHS has to investigate when a report is made. They even came to my house once and I was the one that made the report!!! Only here it was CPS. Child Protective Services. That being said, just because papers have been signed doesn't mean things can't change. I'm a little confused about your visitation and support. Besides giving you a guilt trip what does your lawyer say? Were the papers signed based on you having a job and income? Or did you give it up to try and get some peace? Don't beat yourself up, I did the same thing in the beginning. For right now try to have NC as much as possible and get some peace during this down time while he thinks he's won the battle. Don't give up. I went from a 50/50 with my daughter to me having full physical and legal custody. Yes it wiped me out; physically, emotionally, and financially, but as they say "priceless!!" It's also not too late for your son. But don't let him get away with acting like an N. Get him counseling if needed, the sooner the better. Take care!

#10 Aug 15 - 12PM (Reply to #12)

narcdx3

sanctuary

My attorney called about a wk ago and said we would take him back to court since I don't have a job now. In our state everything is based on income and time with the child and since the paper says joint and I made more he didn't have to pay. So since I filed for unepl due to inability to find a job the state will now take over and re-calculate without a court ordeal. That won't solve the visitation thing though but if it continues to be an issue with him I will have my lawyer take it back to court. Yes I did agree to joint only to make peace and felt like he would let it go once he felt I was not happy anymore---he knew how bad I wanted him out of my life and he of course was sure that once he destroyed me I would beg him back. He spilt hairs with the custody, threatened, drove me crazy till I lost my job. Then he cooled right off---he thinks I'm broken now. Reality is I'm enjoying the missed time with my kids right now. An all consuming job is not for a single mother. But N just knows I went from excellent pay to nada and he's loving it. When he gets his child support letter in the mail---he's going to rage and be back to splitting hairs again.

#11 Aug 15 - 11AM (Reply to #10)

mediation

Mediation with an N is impossible. They will force you to give them what they want. I couldn't have gotten what I did without my lawyer. Revisit the terms. And get the lawyers help. Arrange it as best as possible so you & N barely have to even see each other. (drop off at school, day care etc) That helps with No Contact.

#12 Aug 13 - 3PM (Reply to #2)

MovinOnUp

I agree with M. If it's his

I agree with M. If it's his night it's on him and if it's your time, it's yours. That guilt button is really hard to over ride and I feel for you. Good luck getting out of this event, and if you can't, good luck enduring it.

#13 Aug 13 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

narcdx3

Thanks

Thanks for the encouragement---we have joint and he spilts hairs on it. Called me and said well I've not had all my time with her, what will you and XXX(my son) do if yall don't come to this? The can't tell a lie in me said, "I don't know" cause we're having an in night. It's 100 degrees and so miserable here so we're taking in the TV and home cooked meal with my parents at home. But if I said that to him he would tell me how awful it is that thats how I spend a Friday night with my kids(maybe it is but when I was a kid we did it a lot---now we got2 learn to live on reduced income too). And to add to my guilt my former BFF that assisted in getting me terminated(yes the other Narc) got terminated yesterday. I felt the sudden need to call her and advise her but I didn't. I do know though that when she calms down and figures out a way she will contact me 2. Strange how they cycle but those 2 have been working as a team. Guess I better grab my pants and hold on huh???

#14 Aug 13 - 5PM (Reply to #4)

joint custody

In my state, joint physical custody means almost equal days a week with each parent. So he would have his days, you have yours. He does not need to know what you do with your child when she is with you. Kids will naturally tell, but he shouldn't be asking. I live in 100 deg plus summer weather. Maybe a neighbor has a pool you could visit. Play games with your kids. Do not tell him your plans. For example: in 2 weeks my daughter's new teacher is having a meet & greet at 1pm. He sent an email "See you at 1pm" Guess who is going to meet the teacher at 12?

#15 Aug 13 - 5PM (Reply to #5)

betty2020

Right on M!!! His time is

Right on M!!! His time is his and her time is hers. No need to mix them together. Not the way it works. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#16 Aug 13 - 5PM (Reply to #6)

MovinOnUp

M

Just had to say... You go girl. I love the see you at one, and you being there at twelve.

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