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The OW...and NC

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#1 Oct 28 - 4PM
ash5233
ash5233's picture

The OW...and NC

I'm really new to this. I'm trying to go one day at a time, but as we all know, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. The narc has a new OW...and no, I haven't gone completely NC yet...I truly am trying. We're still FB friends, so I can see everything he's doing. He's had the new OW for about 2 months (right about the time he last D&D'd me)...there are pictures and posts that make me sick. He's out doing things with her (he never took me anywhere and we never left the house really) and he's out with her friends (he couldn't even remember my friends' names...never met them). So I am feeling completely replaced and like he likes this girl a lot. She's actually his age (nobody has ever been except his ex wife) and she has a kid. They look so happy. Somebody please tell me what I'm supposed to be thinking...that this won't last--I should feel sorry for her--at least it's not me--all of those things I'm supposed to know. The jealousy is coming out so strong this week for some reason...

Then the contact. I was doing ok this week (my first week of NC...I have to keep starting over). Until last night I went into the mall, saw Christmas decorations (literally, just that) and my eyes welled up with tears and my heart sank into my stomach. The holidays are going to be SO hard I know it. I'm dreading this weekend because I'm going to be obsessed with where they are partying, what they are dressed up like, if he's taking her son trick or treating...stupid stuff like that. Not to mention Nov. 8 is the day we met three years ago...so that's an important day for me too. Of course after I hit the mall, I texted him like an idiot. He says he doesn't think they are getting serious, asks if I want to come get drunk with him, tells me he still wants me, and tells me I should come get in bed with him...I didn't. I want to know about his new relationship, but I know every detail will hurt. I feel like he's "mine" and nobody else should have him. I don't know how to get through the next few months...I just need those reminders from y'all so that I don't slip up again. I'm doing the best I can right now.

Oct 29 - 4PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Welcome to the forum Ash.

Welcome to the forum Ash. Trust me, I've seen my exN go through several OW since the final D&D just over two years ago... NO ONE gets what you didn't with him, they all get more of the same emotional abuse. He is one big LIE. Flirting with you when he's supposedly so happy with her... don't believe a thing he says or does. I would at least hide his updates and try to stop looking at his FB page until you are ready to sever that tie. Like others here have said, NC is for YOU and he doesn't even need to know you are doing it at first. I've been where you are in the pain, the sadness... keep learning about narcs and their typical behavior, soon the light will start shining again. (hugs)!

Journey on...

Oct 29 - 12PM
ash5233
ash5233's picture

I honestly think

i honestly think i am going to print out each one of y'alls responses and keep them on me at all times so that I can read them when I'm feeling sad, tempted, anxious, or angry...any time I really want to break NC. It's like as time goes on (I'm talking hours here) I get less and less confident in myself, less and less sure I can do this. You are all exactly right, I know this--it's just hard to remember when memories or anger or loneliness floods in. Thank you all. This place is truly saving my life.
Oct 29 - 6AM
Winter
Winter's picture

Dear Ash

I know how difficult is what you are going through right now and I am very sorry. The title of your post is "The OW...and NC". Ok, let's look at each of these two issues separately: 1. OW. You wrote "...he likes this girl a lot...They look so happy..." Few sentences later:"He says he doesn't think they are getting serious, asks if I want to come get drunk with him, tells me he still wants me.." Hmm...not sure there is something to be jealous about. He is with her, posting pictures, meeting friends and, at the same time willing to cheat on her with you. I defenetely would not want to be in her place. 2. NC. Honey, yes, it is difficult. Especially at the beginning. It produces so much anxiety... I don't ask you to feel good and to be happy without him. I know that RIGHT NOW it is just not possible. It hurts like hell. You are not alone. BUT, the only medecine is the NC. No matter how "bitter" it is, you need to "take" it. This is for your emotional, psychological and physical health. THIS IS FOR YOU. Trust me, you will get better with NC. Not immediately, there is nothing which can help you immediately. Contacting him is a short term relief which just increase your pain and suffering in the long run. Please, take care of yourself. Love Winter
Oct 29 - 5AM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

When you are a bit into your

When you are a bit into your recovery you will hope he stays with her forever. When you fully wake up from the nightmare you will know he is not your friend. When you realize you have the power of choice, you will defriend him on facebook and never look him up on there again. Don't ever ever ever give him sex again. He will fuck you over so bad it won't be worth the sex (not love, sex) he gives you. And he will abuse you and ignore you more and never give you what you deserve. In other words, the fucking you get will not be worth the fucking you will get. You deserve respect, he can't do that. You deserve love, ditto. You deserve honesty, not his specialty. You deserve integrity, he can't even spell it. You deserve a partner, he's not a team player. Lucky that you only gave him three years.....don't waste another day on his sorry ass. Read books, get away for the holidays, post and read here, start a new hobby or class, start a new exercise like yoga or cycling or karate or fencing, check out volunteering some time each week to a worthy cause...helping others builds up your spiritual energy...and he has been sucking that out of you. God bless and welcome here. ds
Oct 29 - 4AM
Femmegem
Femmegem's picture

OW means nothing

Hi Ash, Firstly, I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. I think I can predict how the story will end with this OW......as always, in tears! I know because once I was the OW to so many girls whose heart my ex N had broken before mine. When me and N got together, everyone commented how perfect we were together and that they had never seen him so happy. Trust me, this is worse, because the sense of security is so false, and therefore more brutal at D&D. He told me I was the one....so did everyone who saw us together. It meant nothing. He did to me what he did to others, and it was devastating. Now I feel for any woman who goes near him. So please, it may be heartbreaking for you to see, but sweetheart, it is not real, please stay strong. About the NC. Words cannot describe the healing and clarity this brings. I was on the floor and in pieces when he D&D'd. It has been 3 months of NC and he text me yesterday to hoover. Of course I was tempted, but I was cold and refused to get too friendly with again. This is huge for me considering this time last year I felt like I would die if I lost him. I don't feel that way anymore. If I can do this anyone can. Please Ash, Keep yourself busy with anything other than thoughts of him. Please, just let him go. X x
Oct 28 - 4PM
ash5233
ash5233's picture

This is just

the kind of stuff I wanted and absolutely needed to hear (as much as it sucks). Thank you. I am going to have go to back and reread this every single day if I have to. Thank you thank you thank you.
Oct 28 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

we're here for you!! and if

we're here for you!! and if you can simplify it for yourself. like...just tell yourself...you fell in love with a bad guy. it will make things a little easier. than overanalyzing. we could overanalyze these people all day, and we'll never crack the case. lol the nice thing about this site, is...we all have been there, and this is a real disorder. so you know, you're not going crazy. lol but, the rest is up to you. unfriend him on fb. he will ask why. say nothing. you owe him nothing. let him think whatever he likes.
Oct 28 - 4PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

And one of the reasons to

And one of the reasons to stay NC is for the very reason, of even remotely entertaining getting together with him. You say you didn’t…you might not think you will. But, if you keep talking with him, you might cave in. NC builds strength. Builds resolve. Brings peace. We have all caved, but please try not to cave anymore. Don’t text him, and don’t take his calls. He is lying to you. He is lying to her. Keeping two women on a string (or more) is WHAT THEY DO. He wouldn’t have her on FB if it were ‘nothing.’ But, he still wants to get laid with you, at whim. YUCK! You deserve far better than this pig. And if that doesn’t stop you, maybe the idea of catching a STD will. Seriously, these people are gross. My ex had so many ex’s…from wives to gf’s…it’s staggering I didn’t end up with something. Be careful. Be wise. You fell in love with a bad guy. It happens. But, only you can stop the pain. He will only prolong it, if you keep him around…
Oct 28 - 5PM (Reply to #4)
b3base
b3base's picture

Speaking of STD's

Deidre40, you nailed it with the idea of catching an STD from him. I had 2 chlamydia infections from the SOB. Then had pelvic inflamatory disease because of it. Had 3 miscarriages and had one fallopian tube removed. It is unlikely I will ever be able to have another child. He took away my ability to have another child and potential siblings for my daughter. For what? All because of HIM!
Oct 28 - 4PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Ash...please, please remove

Ash...please, please remove him as a friend. Stop cyber stalking him on FB..it isn't helping you...it's keeping you stuck. I am not asking you to block him (yet), although that would be best...because I understand how difficult this is. But having access to his FB account and all his pictures is only going to keep you thinking "what if" and "how come" and "if only" and that does you zero amount of good. Someday, when you are further out of your fog..you will see that all of this has nothing to do with you...it has absolutely nothing to do with her either. This is all about him and his inability to truly connect with anyone. Sure, the pictures he chooses to post are going to show a rosy, happy couple. Narc relationships often look fantastic on the outside...but what those pictures fail to capture is who he truly is and what he is truly all about. If this is a new relationship, she is probably still in the idealization phase where the Narc pretends to be all about her. That phase is limited...he won't be able to keep the mask on forever...probably will start to drop it the moment he feels he has her and then she'll wonder (just as you do) where that wonderful man she met at the beginning disappeared to. But let's not dwell on that...because this is about YOU. You need to find a way to let him go...because a Narc relationship really isn't a relationship. It's a game of supply and it's all about meeting his needs and you deserve better than that.
Oct 28 - 4PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

My greatest advice for you.

My greatest advice for you. DEFRIEND HIM ON FB ASAP. Do this, and much of your angst will slowly but surely dissipate. It is hard. But, it will be like twisting a knife every time you look at FB. Not worth it. And you did nothing wrong. She is not better than you. She replaced you. Because that’s what they do. When she doesn’t do what he wishes, she too will be replaced. This has little to do with her, or any other ‘new’ woman. This has to do with your healing. Focus on healing. Cry if you need to. BUT DON’T OPEN UP NEW WOUNDS. FB will open up new wounds. I don’t have FB. Thankfully. But, he baited me in other ways, through other channels. You have to close every opening…every portal that is open for this man to seep through. That includes defriending those on FB, who are HIS friends, and who will only serve to torment you with drama about him. I beg of you to heed my advice. When I severed all relationships that tied into him? My life became better…and I began truly healing. It’ll still have its hard moments, but if you keep looking at FB, it will only make you sick.