Is the OW an upgrade?

I understand your ‘choice of words’ I feel as though my ex-narc think he has hit the jack pot of woman. I feel that he has found his ‘upgrade’ I was very healthy, fit and petite when we met. And fit and young and had long red curls. After some time I got dreadlocks, got bad skin, gained a lot of weight. Smoked pot I also got so depressed that I stopped shaving my body hair. I guess I was not that attractive. I told him I wanted to be a natural woman. I thought he was a hippy type bloke who could see past that as some of his ex’s were hairy squatters. I was a mother and my boobs are still massive form breast feeding. I am very pale and have red hair and freckles. I used to say to him ‘I love your body’ (He is skinny really but I thought he was lean and attractive) He would also say ’I love your body’ right to the last time we had sex. But they were just words... not meaningful actions... But I really do think he thinks he has found the dream woman physically. She is as total contrast to me. So definitely different and new. Olive brown, skinny and tall, very slender and form brazil. She probably has no or little vagina hair. I can imagine that in her because she is/was a very sexually active woman. She has long black straight hair and is vivacious and full of life and energy. I do believe he thinks he has ‘upgraded’... because in a ‘nano-moment’ he went from begging me in tears to let him back into our home to telling me that he is not in love with me anymore and that he has a very deep connection with this woman. SO your terminology, for me is accurate... I am doing ok because I am good in myself and I know that there are plenty of guys who will be equally in attracted to me for who and what I am. But I think these narc guys do see woman has sexual objects for which they acquire and disregard. I do believe that they see each one as a conquest, once conquered and owned she becomes lacklustre and they no longer see the beauty they set out to obtain and possess. By this point they devalue you and then disregard you. I think all relationships encounter that phase. We are full of excitement and love and desire when we are dating. We are exploding with anticipation. As the months and years roll by the excitement subdues and a more warm affectionate type of love affirms itself. It’s not the butterflies and popping candy it began as. (This chemical reactions have to be surpassed for real and meaningful love, for the security of sustained, honest ‘grass roots’ love, the kind you can rely on and can feel safe in) And I do think some relationships are lucky enough to carry this ‘honey moon effect’ on for some time. I think that it helps for people who take care of their bodies who have a lot of self confidence in themselves, can exert their own confidence on each other and this keeps the relationship fresh and energetic. The trouble with loving a narc is that if we begin to feel rejected and dejected, as we do, then this is when we lose confidence in ourselves and this can lead to acts of self-annihilation that has the knock on of making us feel ugly and less attractive and narcs also pick up on this and they also use this to attack us; by pointing out our failings and our falling from our grace. This is what kills the relationship dead early on. DO they make us feel disgusting? Yes and then I actually think we that we think we really are disgusting. My ex narc called me a slob and all kinds of nasty things when I was breastfeeding our child and struggling after the birth. So yes, the new woman is new, exciting, sexy, tantalising and its full of chemical rushes and hormones. It’s like getting a new computer or car. I want real deep meaningful love that jumps the hurdles and roundabouts and finally settles down the other side warts and all, safe, secure, and honest. My goodness those chemical days are important and it’s what keeps man and woman procreating and continuing the life cycle. But after the lights and orchestra have left the building I don’t want to be on the stage alone wondering where my leading man went ever again. Life is real and we need real ‘enduring’ love, not a pep-talk one-line player in a play.

Why would you think about it? This is just his new pray and he is just a psycho man :) You are great woman and you do not him to agree with this.

An "upgrade" to a NARC, means ...."I have had this item too long and I need something NEW, there is nothing wrong with what i have now....it does the job just fine....but.....I need a newer version, not cuz it's better, but because it is new and different" They get bored. They can't commit. To a narc, there is NO "upgrades".....just "new replacements".

My ranting about new GF makes no sense! I totally get that he did not love me and he will not love her... I get that he just wants to use us to supply different needs. I was good girl to keep in the home as favorite toy for sex and company for 10 yrs She is bad girl to use for image enhancement and sex... he does not respect women i apologize for putting her down - what we look like has no significance - i know that, I am just still shocked by is behavior. No one else is though! everyone could see this coming but me

My experience and education is that the standards of a N are not like normal healthy people who seek healthy relationship. They treat people like objects. I felt just the way you do when I found out about the OW. I refer to my xN's new women as NEXT. Narcs don't change - they change people and tactics. All people are there to fill the void in the soul of a N and validate his imaginary awesomeness. People who are especially close to them are only there to give them gratification when they cannot find it from the outside world. If you fail to mirror their imagined greatness, they will punish you or discard you all together. Read about secondary narcissism. Love yourself and stay strong.

The ex-Psych prof D&D'd me for his curator girlfriend (a decade older than me, I was 22, she was 32)... who looked LIKE ME and was a slightly more butch version of me. She had given up her career in LA to be with him... a major sacrifice on her part. She had a lot of potential (like him) It's like he targeted me because I had *POTENTIAL* as a student, and she had *POTENTIAL* as a curator... reflecting the potential in himself. When she gushed to me about him being a philosopher, I understood. That's how he hooked me. It was not my place to disillusion her. She thought she had fallen for a wise philosopher. She had only worked for a local museum down the street from the college for about a year before he got her pregnant. She had only written one paper about the restoration of... dolls. Instead of going for a bimbo or someone lower than me, I feel he was going sideways. I think ACCOMPLISHED women intimidated him. If his girlfriend had become an important curator, he would've wanted nothing to do with her. When he&I got into an argument my junior year about me writing for the college paper (I did it anyhow-hadn't he EVER heard of reverse psychology???).. he said at one point "I'm standing in the way of you living your life."

Fresh supply, current victim, does not know what's about to hit her, giddy with excitement that she's found her potential "soulmate", is ignoring red flags to stay on cloud 9, is being lied to as you "think" she is an upgrade, is being covertly abused, will be seeking answers just as you are soon, is she an upgrade? If you call that an upgrade...I guess...NOT!

New woman is an upgrade? Or a downgrade? Or on the same level as you? It does not matter at all, not to him nor should it to you, because you have nothing to do with that man any longer. You believe that Narcs have standards, because yours told you so? Hm, in theory they do. Mine used to say that if you can choose you choose what's best and if you have no choice you take what you can get. Meaning they'll have anything walking on two legs.

bozo the clown, I think they just like to always make us feel insecure. NO the other woman is NOT an upgrade, my goodness then why do they keeping pursing downgrades like us if that is the case? ha ha ha They are always in search of better, they are NEVER content with what they have.

The official one is a proper mommy replacement, the other supply is a shy retiring little thing with sad eyes who'only been married a few months.... but so much more docile and compliant! so that's an upgrade in his mind... N could not keep and good woman like myself or his ex-wife down, we're just too good for him.... Dx

Mistake number one, thinking that they think like we do. She isn't an upgrade, or a downgrade, or anything else except a new source of his need for supply...period. Does a mosquito look for an upgrade? No, just a new source of nourishment for their thirst. My mistake was thinking that what I felt and experienced was shared by the other person. It is a con game they play, and when I realized this I became ready to move on. I missed the feelings....but the N is a broken person, and no amount of glue, love, or sacrifice will ever put humpty dumpty back together again.

The ONLY thing she has going for her is being younger than me. I was shocked by his taste as she looks so vulgar and low class - fake everything, cheap clothes, boobs (not big) psuhed out, bra strap showing, loud colors, fake nails, fake , teeth, badly injected lips and last peek it looks like she chopped her big nose off!!! I think she is a poor single mother Narc trying to advertise her goods in her 40's... She is shorter, heavier, less curvy, ugly garrish bleached blond hair with huge dark roots (I have really nice hair, it is my best asset, and a good figure). I am also very natural - wear only light make up and have always tried to down play my body because men have gone nuts for it my whole life and I don't like attracting only animals who want sex... I am shocked that he thinks sleaze is good for his image even though he runs in a superficial circle. she looks like a hooter bar hostess. Maybe its a mid-life crisis for him but I do not think he traded up. I know its not my business and beauty is in the eye of the beholder! I also feel bad putting her down as we know she is just another single woman out there struggling but she looks desperate for attention. She is not ugly and has a nice smile but is trampy looking and his family wrote nasty comments on his FB. it is actually surreal to me that he chose a person like this. we are out of touch now so I do not know if she is his GF still but for him to put 2 pics on FB with her is a huge deal. He is very private and hates people to know his business so he must be super enthralled with her to show her off publicly...I wish I never snooped but i guess its best to know the truth about someone...It makes me doubt he ever cared for me if this is his true colors - I am pretty shaken up after 10 years but know I am a quality person...I am not jealous though at all - totally disgusted...

Remember most of them really don't have a type other than willing and able. They talk like they have a type but the only thing I can see in common between myself and all the other women was we were either young or low self esteem. They claim to like certain looks but it never plays out. They want someone who is worth something to them like supply and money.