Overwhelmed

I feel ashamed/humiliated to admit I've been married to my NARC for 29 years. WTF?

Huge hugs to you, that first post is the hardest one :) My exNarc got the better part of a decade from me, too. And you know what? Three and a half years after I got rid of him, the benefits of recovering from this, finding myself, make it all somehow worth it. I know that sounds a little insipid but it's so true. I'd run out of space trying to explain it here. Realizing you've been "had" by a narc or psychopathic person is supposed to make you second guess yourself. That's the point. What you'll find is that all along, from the beginning, your "gut instincts" have been alive and well and YELLING at you the whole time. That realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought OMG, I knew all along :( And since I *did* know all along . . . I could continue to know. And in listening to my gut, I have found it to always be right, that something is "off". Every single time. Getting out the anger, the outrage, is exactly the right thing to do. It is a daunting process, very empowering, rather frightening in it's intensity and urges to just kill him and save the world :D (I recommend sticking to fantasy here :D ). Anger, smartly managed and allowed, is the balm of Gilead. Yes, it can be a dangerous time but you sound very levelheaded, I don't hear huge panic or fears you are out of control already. We have a new board we will be transitioning to over the next year or so, so I encourage you to go register over there, use the same username, and get your feet wet http://www.allaboutrecoverynetwork.com/home THere's still a lot more action over here but we are in transition, and there are a lot more features over on the new board, including Chat, where you can meet us in real time :) Again, welcome to you and hope to see you around :) No question is too stupid, or silly, no feeling is "wrong", just get it out and jump right in :)

Welcome to the board. When I look back at my first time posting it seem like a lifetime ago. I have a long way to go but I feel that I have come a long way. I too delt with 23 years of marriage and 25 years of hell with my Nh. I also have to save up money for the divorce but I don't worry about that. My home is so peaceful now for me and my 14 year old son. Please don't second guess yourself. Things do not get better but only get worse over time. You did the right thing by getting out. I still cry sometimes but I don't hurt like I use to but it still hurt. I know that I saved my life by staying away from him and i will never go back to him so he can abuse me again. Take it one day at a time and think about your beautiful girls, Sometimes our children can open up our eyes to the truth.

Welcome to your new sanctuary - lol! You are fresh out of your relationship and the confusion, doubts and second guessing is completely normal. I'm sorry you've had to endure such abuse, especially in front of your children. I am glad you have left him. Sharing is scary, I understand your hesitation. I still have not posted my story for that reason, though my exN would probably never think to find me somewhere like this. Mine was not violent with me, yet I still feel concern over his reaction if he knew I wrote about my experience with him here. Just so you know, over at the new site there are privacy settings to protect your profile, including your story from public viewing. It does get better with time, the pain comes and goes in waves as we get clearer about our experience. It will take as long as it has to and unfortunately there is no quick fix during recovery, but we'll all get there eventually. (hugs) Journey on...