Out of sight out of mind

And it always felt crazy!!! One time I was invited to a barbecue a few houses away from him. He refused to go with me. Afterwards, I stopped by his house to say hello and a few of his buddies were there getting ready to have their own barbecue (one was famous and exN seemed to idolize him). ExN came out to the street to talk to me to keep me away from his friends at the house (we had been together about 7 years then!). I asked him to introduce me and he did in the most superficial way and then shooed me away - he SO preferred their company and maybe he was ashamed of me?? he always said not, but now I think he was. Other times, when he had house guests, he would just completely shut me out of his life suddenly and completely with no discussion! I never knew what was going on it was so weird and hurtful. I guess they totally compartmentalize and cannot handle integrating a significant (? not!) other into all the aspects of their lives. I hate to say it but we were just lovers to them, not worthy of sharing their full lives with. Mine never shared his hopes and dreams with me -

My mom had terminal cancer. He was about as detached as a person could possibly be throughout. THEN when she passed, he threw a fit because I "wasn't sharing any information with him"...apparently his asshole family wanted to send flowers (read: hollow platitudes) and didn't have any details about the funeral arrangements. My family didn't want or need their flowers...I didn't care to share anything meaningful and deep in my life with him at that point. He was absent throughout and NOW I'm obligated to give him a daily update so his phony family can put on the airs and graces? At MY MOTHER'S FUNERAL?!?!? I don't THINK so. I told him to let his family know that her obituary is published and that both he and them can obtain details from the newspaper. I was never so disgusted with another human being in my life as I was and still am with him. I will never forgive him for the way he treated me while she was ill...and any time I have ever thought of reconciling, all I have to do is think of that 16 month stretch of my life and I'm instantly CURED of that notion. If his family really wanted to know what was going on, they would have read the obit...they were just being nosy...trying to get closer to the car crash, in other words, to see the actual blood and suffering...and I was in no mood. Months after we split, that topic came up...I told him he did nothing while my mom was sick...his reply? "You can say I didn't do enough. But it's not true that I did nothing...I stayed at home with your son the night you and your dad took her to the hospital"...REALLY...because I remember things a little differently...my son was with his father that night (visitation)...and the narc chose to stay at home practicing with his friends while me and my 70 year-old father carried my mother out of their house to take her to the hospital. Didn't do enough indeed. See how they twist things around? He couldn't face that I had a legitimate gripe with him...he instead revised history so that he could claim he was a human being when he and I both know good and damn well, he wasn't. Out of sight out of mind = peace & quiet. I can't think of a single bad thing about that equation.

I got that treatment all the time; sometimes out of the clear blue. it might be after an argument or for no reason at all. Once he told me he was depressed. Another time it was because his mother was in the hospital and he was stressed. Another time it was he was sick... These were all times a normal person would reach out to his significnat other, not him. Probably because I wasn't significant at all, nobody is. Probably because he was lieing. I would be in shock and hurt every time, but would still except him back. He did it to me once within the first 6 months of our relationship. When he saw how easily I let him back I was marked. The thing with them is you never know their reasons for anything. They are blank and empty and will turn on you in a second and not think twice about it...then turn around and come back like nothing happened....

That's exactly what the Ice Queen of Narcnia does. It's part of the reason he got that nickname too. He told me that we'd always be friends, no matter what happened, no matter how things turned out. He told me he would keep that promise to me. I took it to mean he would be there for me always, that even if things went nowhere between us, we would still meet up and have good times, and chat, and have fun, and do all the things friends do. We would support each other, nurture each other, love each other. But no, that was before I started to understand narc thinking. What he really meant was that _I_ would be the one who was expected to be there for _him_, whether he felt like bothering with me or not. Our friendship was something to pick up when he was bored, use and abuse while it suited him, then when he got bored again, to discard. Friends to him are like toys to a kid with ADD, not real people with real feelings. He will never understand this, and he will never treat any of his friends with any respect as a result. They're just diversions in his otherwise boring life.

Hark Hark the typical pattern if a Narc! Hunter

I wanted to let you know I suffered this kind of silent treatment alot. xN would have friends from out of town visit two or three times a year. During these visits there was total silence. It was if I didn't even exist. Also she would travel to visit these women "friends" and while she was away - out of sight, out of mind just like you say. Total silence. She refused to reply to texts or answer my calls! Talked with therapist about this and she said this is not normal. When my friends and relatives came to visit I do not just cut off my partner and pretend as if they don't even exist! Yet if I ever traveled I was expected to keep in contact with her. What???? It is only natural to want to include them in the activies with your guests. It doesn't mean they have to be involved in every little thing you do, or that the partner must be included in every activity, but you don't shut them out!

Out of sight out of mind LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY. When he went on vacation, he didn't contact me for a week and then gave me bullshit that his iPhone didn't have that technological capability of "roaming", ya sure he went to FL, not Zimbabwe!! Little did I know, he probably cheated with trashy girls, the kind he loves. And all the times he was hot and cold, he was probably with other girls as well. And then he would call me up and act like nothing is wrong and when I would be like UGH I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU IN A LONG TIME - he would act like I was being a bitch. I give up trying to understand them. All I know is HOT AND COLD BEHAVIOR/OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND MENTALITY is a def N warning sign and trait.