Our Last Sexual Liaison left me feeling DIRTY!!!

I would never believe someone if (s)he told me “I felt dirty after sleeping with my lover.” Here I am MARRIED and that’s EXACTLY how I felt some months ago. Being married and feeling dirty after sexual intimacy is not honorable.

That was the day I knew in my heart, mind, soul and spirit I no longer wanted to be with him unless God Himself appeared to me in person with a new heart to replace my old heart, erased my memory and change my hard-drive.

It was the first day of the rest of my life I knew I wanted better for myself and he DIDN’T deserve me! I wanted to work on being a better me for ME! . It was actually the first time I preferred ME above him. That I have the right to exist!!!

I will no longer be a choice, no longer be an object and no longer used! I will no longer tolerate him. I want my feelings, my emotions, and ME to be resurrected from the lifeless being I had become. Don’t misunderstand me…I was still functioning. I was wearing a “mask”. A broken mask because it didn’t function to my advantage as a narc’s mask functions. I was nothing that I could’ve, should’ve and would’ve been if I didn’t allow my NH of 20 years to exist.

I allowed him to cross my boundaries that I never let another person such as his caliber cross. I betrayed myself because I crossed my own boundaries by not trusting my intuitions and going against my own morals. I willingly (temporary insane) and unwillingly handed my power and will over to him and lost my identity…correction…my identity was stolen. Yep, he was THAT smooth…correction…cunning.

When I’m reminded of this incident shame wants to come upon me. I will not allow shame to keep me as a mental and emotional hostage. I’m applying shame where it proper belongs. I know it sounds crazy still I have to say aloud “ Shame you belong to narc! I don’t own you. I’m placing you back where you. You belong to NH! Good Riddance!!!”

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with horrible feelings and memories that suddenly come upon me. This was one of them I had to share and not keep to myself. Reading this website has exposed me to so much information that I’ve obtained subconsciously. Now, I’m sporadically recalling events that match the behavior and change the perspectives of those particular events. Now that I’m understanding and having some clarity truths are revealing without his presence. I’M PISSED!!! In a way it protected me from harm as I was in the marriage. Now it’s fuel sustaining me in to getting out of the marriage. WoW

This infuriated me to know intimacy can feel so dirty. Narcs are masterminds at perverting everything they touch! If another person should ever feel dirty after a sexual encounter I hope it’s enough for them to start the path forward to live life without a narc. Especially the young people who have their whole life ahead of them!!!