Our DEFINING MOMENTS that finally led to NC

Hello ladies,

My heart goes out to all those who are at the early stages of NC and I'm thinking for those of us who are a little more down the road of NC to share with others what our DEFINING MOMENTS that finally led to NC.

For me, it was a gradual process. I started seeing my exN boyfriend less and less. I went from twice a week seeing him to once a week. Then I stayed in that pattern for a couple of months until one evening I had my DEFINING MOMENT. Once a week we would go to church together every Saturday night. I still remember to this day when my heart finally caught up to my head. As we usually do before services start, we would have tea/coffee and chat for a half hour. Well on this particular evening, we were catching up on what happened during the week and then he started to talk about something that got my heart's attention immediately. He started telling me about his day at work and how he was browsing through old magazines that all the employees brought in the breakroom for everyone to read. He said he picked up a motorcycle magazine with a slutty, skimpily dressed motorcycle babe sitting on a motorcycle on the front cover with a square cut-out in the front of the crotch area of her jeans so you can see her panties. Talk about vomit! He used those exact detailed words to describe the magazine cover. I was nauseated and felt sick to my stomach for the zillionth time!!! All the other times I would rage and argue with him all night long but for some reason THIS time I was calm. I just sat there in silence to take in my emotions and thought things through quietly to myself. After a few minutes, I calmly said to him,"I really don't appreciate you looking at trash women." His idiotic response was, "Well going to the beach is the same difference." Then I kept quiet for another moment and thought to myself, here we go again me talking to a complete perverted idiot trying to explain myself to help him understand simple logic/reasoning. I could sense where the conversation was going and knew he would defend his idiocracy and twisted thinking to a full blown fight. So guess what? I decided no more. I will not partake in anymore of my wasted energies and time trying to reason with a moron who will never get it. No more trying to wishful hope he will become a better man with morals. THAT WAS MY DEFINING MOMENT.

My heart was done. I had no more desire to argue with anymore and my heart finally REALIZED & ACCEPTED who he is and who he will always be forever.

I just got to a place where I knew it's the same old shit, just another day, same perverted scumbag, just another example of his sick lustful personality. How many more hundreds of examples and arguments do I need? No more.

Later after church services after he dropped me off and drove home, we had the defining conversation. I told him calmly and quietly that my heart cannot take anymore. I told him that I no longer wanted to see him anymore. So he said okay. A month later, he sent me two dozen roses and two cards saying how much he missed me and then a follow-up email saying he is letting me go and farewell. That threw me for a spin. His actions were totally bizarre. I wrote him back a short email expressing one last time my heartfelt sad feelings and since that day, we may have talked a few more times on the phone only.

It has now been 3 months since that defining moment day and I have absolutely no more desire to see him face to face. I still get urges once every two weeks to talk to him on the phone but that feelings goes away pretty quickly after speaking to him because my mind keeps reminding me what an asshole he is and how badly he has treated me. My heart is already there with my mind so it doesn't take long to let those sad feelings go and move foward again. There are no more tears. Two months ago when he sent me those roses, I felt like crying but I held back my tears. Now going into month 4, I don't feel the need to cry anymore. My heart has totally healed and is in full agreement with my head.

During the last three months, I have faced most of my fears, have learned to do and go to places by myself, stayed in touch with a couple of close girlfriends and family, and basically nurtured my own soul. I don't even feel lonely anymore because I know God is with me and I am looking forward to great things to come. I am hopeful, joyful and most importantly PEACEFUL.

My best advice to those of you who are only on days or a few weeks of NC, find the strength to not see your N in person and start reducing the frequency of phone calls. Separating physically from your N will go a long way to your heart healing because the saying goes, "out of sight, out of mind." IT IS SO TRUE! If you can stop seeing him altogether, your heart will immediately begin healing because the first thing you will experience is PEACE. I noticed immediately how PEACEFUL I felt with no longer arguing with the asshole. Then the next feeling that came along was JOY. I started laughing and giggling again because the arguing and sadness was replaced with joy and laughter.

The last emotion to conquer was the feeling of missing him...which really is not so much missing him but missing the closeness, affection and passion. In time, you heart and mind will also realize that it's not the asshole that you miss but the "sharing and exchange of affections." At this stage, I can honestly say that the tradeoff isn't worth it to me anymore...the tradeoff of seeing him to feel the affection and then feeling like shit later. I've gone too long of feeling good, happy, peaceful and joyful to trade all it in for one night of passion only to feel like shit again. Even talking to him makes me leaves me with a crappy feeling so seeing him would even be worse. So my mind and my heart are in synch and they both agree he has to go because he is cancer to my soul.

I would like to hear everyone's DEFINING MOMENT. Hope this helps those who are on their way to recovery!

My prayers and love to all of you! XOXO