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The other side of the story

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#1 Feb 12 - 8AM
Smarterthanever
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The other side of the story

So my husband's therapist thinks I am a Narcissist. This is completely throwing me into a whole new type of cognitive dissonance. When I look at it from his perspective I can see why they would think that. When highschool sweetheart came back for me (both during the engagement and the marriage) I ran to him, broke off the engagement and had a year long affair during the marriage. I have truly treated my husband like shit. I honestly have felt very little remorse and I had no problem lying to him and cheating on him. I was so madly in love with the N that I was devaluing and discarding my husband. He said in couples therapy yesterday that he realizes he has always been my plan B and the only reason we are here right now is because my first choice dumped me. Twice. And he is supposed to want me? I can totally see his point and he is right. If N hadn't d&d me, I would still be with him. I walked out of counseling just feeling like we need to go through with the divorce and the kindest thing I could do for H is to set him free. I feel like I'm no better for him than N is for me.

Feb 12 - 2PM
Mindy
Mindy's picture

Me, too.

I was just asking myself this week, could I have N tendencies, too? My father was a N, and my mother was cold and uncaring towards me, possible bpd I think. I have decided that I am very much a co-dependent, but once I latched on to my N, my boyfriend didn't matter to me. I didn't feel anything when he cried, and I only cared about my needs being met. I also don't really connect all that well with others. I really shudder to think I have N traits... I think though, that rather than being a N, we are more like addicts. Think about it. Drug addicts steal, manipulate, hurt the people they love all for their next fix... We are emotional addicts, struggling to detox and recover, and restore damaged relationships in the process. My challenge is finding ways to bond with other people (besides my N) again. Like a true addict, I find that nothing compares to that high. So hard to give up isn't it? How many of us have contemplated just dealing with the bad, for the sake of what we perceived as good?
Feb 12 - 9AM
gettinbetter
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Me too! I feel like I am

Me too! I feel like I am very Narcy from time to time especially when this was going on but now thats its been over for 4 months I am returning to my normal self. You are not a Narc you wouldnt be here if you were. You wouldnt give a shit to find out what was wrong if you were. You had addiction to a toxic person thats all. It was a horrible addiction and now you are in rehab. Maybe you shouldnt make any decisions while you are in rehab. I dont know if its a good idea to make any life changing decisions when this whole thing only blew up a couple of months ago. Your head is still spinning and you cant make good decisions under that kind of stress. Only you know whats best for you and your marriage. Only you know if you desire to put it back together. I just hate to see your marriage go down the tubes because of that freak. Its just another win for him. In the end you have to what you think is best for you but you two have been married along time with 4 kids think long and hard before you throw that away.
Feb 12 - 9AM
onwithmylife
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smarterthanever

to me you are in a really tough predicament, this is one of those Dr. Phil cases and trying to see where I would put it. From my perspective, I would seriously talk with your husband and you guys need to see if you want to work this out or not. NO one likes to play second fiddle to anyone,NARC or no narc.go to more couples therapy and see what else comes out of it. My ex-husband had 2 affairs while we were married and we talked it through, but there was serious damage to our relationship and years later we did divorce,not so much over, that but we wound up going separate ways in the end. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to set someone free if you truly do not love them .Best of luck whatever decision you make. I do not think you are a Narc but when we are involved with these type of men every bit of common sense is thrown away to the wind and in the end some marriages as well.for what this is worth , you seem to have a very realistic handle on what you have done.
Feb 12 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
Smarterthanever
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I am trying to convince my

I am trying to convince my husband that we should give it more time and see if we can make it work. He is in danger of losing his job (he works for a major pharmaceutical company that is in it's upteenth round of layoffs and his group us now on the chopping block), our house is for sale and we both want to move back to the Midwest. Everything is up in the air. I think we need to put the divorce on hold and try to get the pieces of our lives in order, for the sake of the kids' stability, but right now it is up to him. He thinks it is hopeless. It will be final March 21 if he doesn't stop it. I remember when he filed talking to N about how hard it was being served, but knowing these were the steps we had to take to be together. And where is that asshole today? Back with his wife and stepkids as though nothing ever happened. I'm so tired of thinking about him. I hate him.
Feb 12 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
onwithmylife
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smarterthanever

I firmly believe that if something is meant to be, then it will be and to parahrase from Love Story, set someone free and if it is meant to be they will be back.you do not want to force someone to stay in a marriage that is worse to me than divorcing. I know it must be very hard with kids involved as well,perhaps you could talk to me about a separation for 6 months/ 1 year and see how that goes and give him time to figure out what he feels comfortable doing. You as well, as all of us know, that we alone are responsible for our actions. When my ex-husband and i were still married but drifting apart, I always wonder if Mr. Narc had not shown up would we have been able to work things out, who knows it is all hindsight, but we have to move on and like it or not, accept the decisions we made, knowing full well the possible consequences.