opinion advice needed

47 posts / 0 new

#1 Jan 1 - 11AM

sadanddown

opinion advice needed

Still not got a reply to my new years text from him. What do people think of my idea phoning him on 3rd jan if not heard anything from him and try and arrange to meet him to give him his things back? Would like to get really dressed up and look good so he doesn't see me as crying weak and pining over him even though I am
My worries are that what if he ignores me yet again or I get an angry message then what do I do?
I have his clothes and bank card here just feel I need to see him one more time what do people think of my idea do you think he would agree to meet me or reply?

#2 Jan 2 - 5AM

Tigerlily

Dear Sadanddown,

Look, I know how painful it is coming to terms with the truth, and how much we long to go on clinging to illusions, because I`ve been through it myself, and so has everyone else on this forum. The bottom line is that you can go on arguing and "yes, but"ting till the cows come home: you will not find one single article that tells you that narcs get better if we give them another chance, and you will not find one single forum member who is going to give you any encouragement to go on pursuing what is effectively a daydream. You will not get "the nice him" back ever, because it did not exist. It was an act designed to hook you. He stayed for as long with you as you were good supply, now he`s got bored and has moved on to new supply. They ALL do that. And they drop us from one second to the next, with no regrets, no conscience and no empathy. "Friends" to a narc. means "friends with benefits". He gets the benefits - you get to be treated like a piece of shit. You will be bottom on his food chain, he may hook up with you every so often when he needs or wants something and can`t find better supply, or just to make sure you`re still on the hook. He will fuck with your mind and with your body, and hurt you worse than you`ve ever been hurt before. He will take every shred of self-esteem you have and leave you feeling like black slime. I am telling you the stone-cold truth: they do not feel. They do not love. And they do not change. Your only hope in getting out of this is to go NC IMMEDIATELY whether he`s contacting you or not, learn everything about the disorder that you can as fast as you can and start working to rebuild your sense of self. No matter how long you go on arguing, denying and defending him, you will not get anyone on this forum to tell you any different. We are telling you the way it is because we are into healing. What you WANT us to tell you - yes, he loves, yes, he means well with you, yes, if he saw you one more time blah blah - would only keep you stuck, even if it were true (which it isn`t - it will lead to your eventual destruction). PLEASE, PLEASE pull your head out of the sand and start working as if your life depends on it, sadanddown, because you know what? Your life DOES depend on it! Thinking of you, Tigerlily

#3 Jan 2 - 5AM (Reply to #46)

bgirl

PS: listen to Tigerlily too

PS: listen to Tigerlily too xx seriously listen. Ppl here care. They get it. They genuinely want to help. Please listen. Hope ur ok. Bgirl

#4 Jan 2 - 4AM

sadanddown

still heard nothing no reply

still heard nothing no reply wishing me happy new year makes me want to hear from him more not hate him,not having good day today even more depressed can't see the point in anything nothing to look forward to

#5 Jan 2 - 4AM (Reply to #43)

bgirl

Hello sadanddown... How are

Hello sadanddown... How are you? I can hear how much pain you are in. You sound like I was. I cannot remember the first 3 months after I was brutally rejected...AGAIN. I will tell you I have never been truly loved in my life thus far and no this is not an exaggeration it is the truth as my parents were narcissist/borderline too. I was suicidal...thought about it all day every day. I still think about it everyday but it is not an all consuming thought anymore. Please listen to this: You have to be alive to feel better because you have to alive to feel. Full stop! You are worth so much more than what this person can give you. You sound like you are having post traumatic stress symptoms and depression...both of which I have. Have u talked to a professional. Please talk to a therapist. Most of all the best counseling I have received told me the pain is ok. It is expected it is normal....it HURTS LIKE HE'LL....but every shadow has light. Have you ever read anything about the dark night of the soul? Have a look and see if this describes what you are feeling. I, and so many others on here have been through pain like yours, not exactly the same because each experience is unique, but still excruciating...please don't give up hope. There is hope for YOU. Not for him though. Write back if u need to.... Big hugs Bgirl

#6 Jan 2 - 5AM (Reply to #44)

sadanddown

Thank you for your kind words

Thank you for your kind words I'm not good at all can't even get out of bed see no point really miss him! Honestly he's nice to everyone cept me and has nice friends that stand by him still don't get him running home to live with mum and turning down money nor do I understand his nasty text and rage with me loads of people on here had their n live with them mine never wanted to move in with me ! Is N a recognized mental disorder or do you not think we are trying to label bad behaviour to make ourselves feel better I know no one recommends it but something I need to do contact him tomorrow try to arrange and give him his things back if I get ignored again guess I need to leave it so depressed so confused so lacking in hope,him of course enjoying himself and ok x

#7 Jan 1 - 9PM

Redhead

Sadanddown

It's about you now - not him. You have not done anything wrong. He is conning you & everone else he can. He will be mean, devalue & discard all women in his path. It's time to take control & demanding respect. Don't talk with him again, please. Everyone on this board is absolutely right. He feels nothing for you or anyone else....he isn't capable. As far as his "things". Run over them a few times with your car, pack them in a tampon box & throw it in the front yard.

#8 Jan 1 - 3PM

onwithmylife

sad and down

I realize you are a very newbie on here and i have been here for a long time, i spent 15 off and on years and the sad truth is it is all a big LIE,never came to get his things I stored for him for months when he left my state. I got rid of his stuff gave to friends, sold some stuff, and kept stuff i wanted, never a thank you for storing his stuff. give everything to a third party including his card to give him, would not see him if i were you, it may set you back...they are real cowards and he gave up important things rather than see me again........

#9 Jan 1 - 3PM (Reply to #36)

sadanddown

thank you for your reply

thank you for your reply sorry you are suffering too. Feel I need to see him one more time just to let him see he's not ruined me and I'm strong even though he has ruined my life and I'm not strong and pathetic for wanting and loving him What's best way to ask to meet him? He dumped me 3 weeks ago seen him 21st exchanged Xmas presents and being getting nice chatty civil texts up until 27th then ignored 3 days then nasty one then back to ignoring again ! No idea why sudden nastiness or what caused it still no new years text from him either so going out my mind Do you think he really wants to move home to mummy in 3 weeks at 40? He turned down his rent money from me?! And to top it had huge fight with my mum tonight she said for godsake get it into your thick head he doesn't want you or love you just bloody get over it for Christ sake you're a selfish bitch moping I went and shouted can't speak to her or anyone no one gets me or realises how I feel I still want to see him one more time do you think the 3rd to contact him is too soon ?

#10 Jan 1 - 4PM (Reply to #38)

onwithmylife

sad and down

the real question is what do you want, who the f**k cares a bout him, he doesn't care at all about you and never did is my guess if he is a narcissist . .Read all you can about the personality disorder and get therapy if need be.seeing him this early out will be very damaging to your psyche, let more time go by and read all you can and get therapy to recover from this man. Now is not the time. I saw mine by accident 3 years out of a 15 year relationship and still have to recover anew from his ugliness......

#11 Jan 1 - 4PM (Reply to #39)

sadanddown

Honest answer is I want him

Honest answer is I want him back the nice him And I'm scared if I phone he again ignores or I get the anger and if he ignores i'm yet again waiting and wondering Everyone said here they are nice to other people as they don't have much friends mines does every one loves him he's got really nice friends people he's known from school how can they not see through him and why is he not nasty to them just me?

#12 Jan 1 - 6PM (Reply to #40)

Victim-no-more

Sweetie,i feel for u. I see

Sweetie,i feel for u. I see your pain and desperation. I have felt that myself. It has taken me two months of being on this forum and reading every single day to get to a point where I finally get it and understand that there is NO HOPE LEFT. Nothing u do is going to make him care.....you will have to do like everyone else here and come to the point where the pain is so great that you make the decision to extract yourself from this. You absolutely must read every article you can find and watch the videos. You are still in denial and like goldie told me, once you get out of denial...totally ........then u will no longer be able to engage in this. I know how bad it hurts but please listen to the people on here.....we all know what you are going through. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and all of us.

#13 Jan 1 - 4PM (Reply to #37)

ReclaimingPower

Any contact again at all is too soon.

Have you read Lisa's book or watched any of Sam Vaknin's youtube videos? A part of this man's brain is damaged or lacking -- he is only looking to hurt you in insidious ways that bring him pleasure - through stringing you along, making you one of many, through silent treatment. One of the ways is to tell you he'll reconnect in January (or whenever) and leave you hanging, waiting. You need to somehow understand that no one on this board who is working through their own healing and has gone through a similar experience is going to encourage you to reconnect with him or offer advice on how to do that. They just won't. That doesn't help you -- unfortunately you are in the early stages of not yet knowing or wanting to know what this man truly is -- that is damaged, broken and looking only to hurt you and others to bring himself pleasure. It's truly "All About Him"... Sadanddown, I urge you to do what many of us have done -- take the time to READ READ READ about what this disorder is -- there are tons of free materials. And invest in a session with Goldie or a counsellor near you -- CHOOSE YOU and having your life back and sharing that life eventually with a man who GIVES as well as receives. You are so young and deserve so much better -- but first you have to disconnect from this man in all forms and then begin the work to understand why you (as all of us are doing) accepted such inequal treatment. As you can see from the string of responses to your initial post -- many here care and are sharing their pain and guidance, but it's being ignored as you still desperately question and ask again and again for the magic answer to get to see him again. Choose YOU sadanddown......change your number, block his emails and have a third party return his items to him (or simply mail them back with NO letter). Your present and future is in your hands. None of us can do it for you. Sending strength...

#14 Jan 1 - 1PM

lisab

Sad and down

Hi there I wish I had read this website this past week for me I seem to read these post Abd see how crystal ckear the reality is but not able to do the right thing in my personal life. Sadandown do me a favor for I hurt just like you get up call to change your number. Place his items in a bag have a friend drop it off do not include a not card or letter or package it for mail or my choice toss it I the trash he is dressing just fine with those items and he will call and order a new card. He hadn't answered because he is putting his new gf of the month through the your crazy stalking can't leave me alone phase so she thinks he is really a great catch. Go shower call gfs go to lunch walk the mall get your nails done the only eat to heal is to live Abd you will not ever be free to live if you hsve contact with him or he hears you want it. It hurts it hurts like nothing I've lived through before but not out of love it's how the narc completely disregards us like trash remember we are objects to be used to benefit him he has no feeling inside to have empathy for what he has caused you to feel. Now go live we are blessed with a clean slate each night we go to bed well today is a new skate fur a new year call change your number toss his items do not drag the old in to the new your friends and family I'm sure miss the real you and the world is being cheated of your wonderful self. Good luck and thank you this post may have saved my life! I'm going through it and you made it all so clear, thank you

#15 Jan 1 - 4PM (Reply to #34)

sadanddown

I know everyone is saying

I know everyone is saying they don't miss us but what we did for them well I did loads for mine treated him like a king no one else honestly would do or give him as much as I have so would he not miss that ? And if he had new supply would he not compare that with me and think I did more and want me his old supply back ?

#16 Jan 1 - 1PM (Reply to #29)

sadanddown

can't see him having a new gf

can't see him having a new gf all his women are friends he doesn't like to see women every week nor want relationship or commitment! Would just love to see him one more time he can be loving caring and nice I love him surely 3 and half years isn't a lie

#17 Jan 1 - 1PM (Reply to #32)

lisab

Is it a lie

Hi my heart really goes out to you I don't know how long it's been since it ended and u don't want to cause anymore pain. You have to tske a deep breath step away from the whole situation. Come back to this forum Abd read it as if it were your daughter, sister, or best friend and what would you tell her to do or to help her then do that. It's a lie not because he didn't want it but simply they cannot attain love their love is a fantasy an illusion always unable to be reached Abd please those girls are not friends and if you haven't please go get a full check up Abd be smart with your life Abd your health one day soon your going to see ur clear at first you'll be hard on yourself the guilt of how I behaved is tremendous. Let's say he isn't a narc and can feel what you do the only way even then to make him take notice would be to live happily with out him do here's a sakes quote " fake it til you make it". Three years is a lot don't let hi Waste anymore of your life go spend it with people who actually deserve your time and want it trust me he is the one missing out, you'll get married have great children but cant find room to come in if you cling onto the bad.

#18 Jan 1 - 2PM (Reply to #33)

sadanddown

he said me and him are just

he said me and him are just friends too he can't be with other women as he spends every night online talking to them is that enough for him? Or do you think he wants commitment with the others? Why is he annoyed with me now? I know It goes against advice but I do want to see him to give him his things back so please can someone tell me the best way to go about asking to meet him given he's not replied to new year text will I leave to the 3rd and phone and if he ignores that just leave it?

#19 Jan 1 - 1PM (Reply to #30)

Sparrow

3 1/2 years isn't a lie?

3 1/2 years isn't a lie? Sadanddown, there are many on here that have had to accept that 15, 20, 30 years HAS been a lie, me included. I was with my N for 15 years. And yes, it WAS a lie. You need to wrap your head around that, as hard as it is to do, and it will take a long time, but you do need to do that. Acceptance of the truth is of the utmost importance, in anyone recovery.

#20 Jan 1 - 1PM (Reply to #31)

Gravity

I agree with Sparrow. "The

I agree with Sparrow. "The truth will set you free, but first.. it will piss you off."

#21 Jan 1 - 12PM

Sparrow

You would be making a very

You would be making a very big mistake by reaching out to him. I honestly don't know what more to say regarding your situation. You are not beginning your journey, that is clear, are you looking to reconcile with him? I am not sure what answers you are looking for. I do have a question, and please don't take it the wrong way. It is not meant to be insulting. How old are you? I would like to get a general idea of the amount of experience you have with relationships, whether with a narc or not.

#22 Jan 1 - 12PM (Reply to #26)

sadanddown

I would love to reconcile

I would love to reconcile with him I miss him want him still love him he was the one that said he wanted to stay friends with me I'm 37 he's 40

#23 Jan 1 - 1PM (Reply to #27)

Sparrow

I understand the want and

I understand the want and need to reconcile. That is very normal in many broken relationships. I am interested in knowing why you would like to reconcile..........do you know why? What do you miss about him? What do you want from him? These questions are very important to ask yourself. All relationships are painful when they come to an end, but the ending of a relationship with a narc is like no other ending. I believe the other important factor in your situation, and you need to establish this, "Is he a narc" It doesn't matter, because he has treated you poorly to begin with, but it does matter, in order for you to fully understand what is happening to you and what is happening with this relationship.

#24 Jan 1 - 12PM

Gravity

sadanddown

You are only beginning your journey on your path to healing. The fact that you are here makes you worlds stronger than many other women in your situation. Hold on to that. When you still care what he thinks, you have not fully understood what a personality disorder is. They have a distorted way of thinking that has NO basis in reality. It doesn't matter how you look.. he would (and has) sleep with anything that walks - fat, skinny, ugly, bad skin, good skin, dolled up, not dolled up. None of it matters. Do not meet up in person to give him his things back. He doesn't even deserve them back but if he makes a big fuss about it, simply mail them to his home. Don't say anything else. Ask yourself what your dream life would be if you woke up tomorrow. If it involves him being the man you wish him to be, remind yourself that it is NOT possible. He is always going to be this way. And if you see him one time it will only prolong the pain. I know it's easier said than done, and I know you still have strong feelings for him but be strong, keep reading. We are all living examples of the fact that it DOES get better. I know thats hard to believe right now.. but trust me!! XOXOOX you are worth it! This is YOUR year!

#25 Jan 1 - 12PM

HardToBelieve

Wow

I have read your previous enteries and you have to understand that he is not going to like you more if he sees you all dolled up. He has asked to not be in contact with you and instead of him stalking you, you are the one who keeps stalking him. It's going to backfire one day and I don't understand what more advice you look for. If you do get an angry message from him - leave him. Once and for all. One angry message, stop replying. Stop responding, stop reacting. I still got some of ex-narcs clothes and stuff here. He asked for some of it back which I sent him immediately. I don't think you should arrange a meeting or whatnot. There is no such thing as official closure with a narcissist.

#26 Jan 1 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

sadanddown

yes but he said in his nasty

yes but he said in his nasty text to not contact me for a while he didn't say don't contact me ever again ! And 3 days before that he sent me that text saying he would see me in January that's why I thought he might meet me

#27 Jan 1 - 12PM (Reply to #19)

Gravity

sadanddown

You have not yet grasped his disorder yet. Trust me, you are not alone. I was here for many months asking similiar questions before I understood that my ex-psycho was no different than any of the other ones. He.is.a.liar. You would not be here if you didn't KNOW in your heart something was off. It does not matter what he said, none of it has any basis in reality and if he has new supply any promises to see you etc are thrown out the window. Nothing he said was real. Nothing. I know that is so hard to grasp, especially for an honest person but believe me it's the truth. Keep reading, keep posting, don't be afraid to come forward with questions. It will sink in eventually.. just stay strong. xoxoxox

#28 Jan 1 - 12PM (Reply to #20)

sadanddown

do you think he has new

do you think he has new supply? He seems to spend every night on Internet talking to women ? Was I not good supply to him I was very very good to him? Do you think he will meet me?

#29 Jan 1 - 12PM (Reply to #21)

Gravity

sadanddown

do you think he has new supply? Yes. He always has, lots of them. I read in a previous post of yours that he admitted to this when he said that he liked to talk to multiple women at once. When people tell you who they are, listen. He seems to spend every night on Internet talking to women ? Of course he does, he is a narcissist. Was I not good supply to him I was very very good to him? You were good supply to him which is why he kept you around so long. But is that all you want to be? Supply to a narcissist? You are worth SO much more than that! Do you think he will meet me? It all depends. If he knows you want to meet him he will most likely play games with you. Once they know they are fully in control thats when the real hell begins. If he does meet you, be prepared for cruelty.

#30 Jan 1 - 1PM (Reply to #22)

sadanddown

what brought the angry text

what brought the angry text on was that just to ruin new years for me?? When he said don't contact me In a while how long is a while? If I still despite advice want to try see him to give him his things back should I just say that can I arrange to give you your things? He did say would see me in jan did think he wanted his things back also wondering now in cold light of day if he really would want to move back to mummy in 3 weeks(he's 40) or he will try n be nice to me to get money though he turned down Money before saying we are not going down that Road and last thing he wants ! Still don't know why he would want to move home at his age?

#31 Jan 1 - 1PM (Reply to #23)

Done sourcing

A while is as long as he

A while is as long as he wants it to be. He knows he is in charge, he knows you are weak to his games, and he is using that in a wicked hurtful way. Trying to figure out what he means when he says stuff to you is a waste of time. They are like psychopaths in that they don't care about others, only themselves. They lie, cheat, and steal. Think of them as Politicians who want your vote and no one else can hear them. Will they say anything to get your vote? Of course they will. The Narc is the exteme example of selfishness and self-centeredness....like a three year old...everything is about them, and when you take away their toys and freedom they whine and cry and act out. They look like adults, but that is an illusion, because hidden behind the Mask is a monster-personality disordered individual. You need to go no contact, and stay that way. It will never be good again, because the fantasy is over, and now the Narc games have begun. It is time for some pain, then growth, then the joy will come with your freedom from him. This site will bring your awareness back as you climb out of the abyss of his darkness. Your world has become small as you have gotten obsessed with his actions, words, and thoughts. The only medicine that works on this sickness we all got is no contact and no response...all else fails utterly. I got my closure from my relationship with God, never did get it with the x wife Narcissist I was with for 14 years. Keep reading and learning and posting and sharing, you are very welcome here on the site. Take shit from no one. ds

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