"One More Time"....a trap that can snare us in our recovery...

Very thankful for this post tonight. It's so so easy to forget how low you can be, how painful your heart can physically ache, how irritible and sad and depressed and even suicidal you can become after contact. I admit I keep going back, and its only because I get that instant craving to talk to him and don't think about the consequences first. Yet everytime I have contact with him, I say never ever again will I do that. But I always have. I got really disgusted with myself last night when I read some old emails I had sent him TWO YEARS AGO, and it was just like I had written them days ago. I was begging him, pleading with him to understand how much he hurts me, how horrible he treats me...yet here I am years later STILL trying to get through to him. I finally realized it's a waste of time and I'm not going to try anymore. The excitement of "trying one more time" can really overpower the memory of how much it will hurt when it happens.

So so true, and the scab analogy is perfect. It's a process, but those two steps back when contact happens makes everything take longer. After having contact with exN on the phone, after two weeks of no contact, he ignored me when I talked about myself and then ended up in a narcissistic rage, threatening to cut off contact altogether after I told him I was still upset about the D&D. In those 2 weeks of NC I looked after myself, slept well, exercised, started to feel good about myself. Today, after contact, I am at work after a bad sleep, eyes puffy from crying, exhausted, feeling crummy about myself. "one more time" has taken away another day of my life. NC forever is better than this! Thanks TNR1!

We are all truly blessed for sure!!!! I love each and everyone here who helped me and continues to help the new comers. I wish places like this didn't have to be here, but they have to and for that I am so truly grateful!!! You all have saved my life and helped me move on and realize it really isn't him that I love or miss... It was truly myself that I love and miss!!! But I am back to being myself, so much stronger and so much more educated and I will take all I have learned with me everyday and use it as my strength to keep my head high and know I AM WHO I AM AND I AM NOT THE PIECE OF SHIT HE MADE ME OUT TO BE, BUT IN FACT , YES IT IS HIM!!! I have come so far and I would have NEVER been able to do this with out the love and support I get here and the once in a while kick in the rear I needed!! I may have not liked some of the comments , but yes the truth does hurt and it is a shame we lived this nightmare. They are who they are, we can get ourselves back, they will NEVER change!! We have all been brought together for a reason and that my friends is to help each other get stronger, we will win because we are stronger than we know!! And we help each other to be strong! NC is the best thing I ever did for myself, when he D&D'd me he said "we will talk" I told him "no we won't" and because of the strength I got here I held true to my word for the first time in 7 yrs!!! I always went after him, he never once came after me, I held my ground and ladies if you can commit yourself to 100% NC and do the work, you will too see things in a more clear light. For those that share children, my heart truly goes out to you, I know how hard that is, but please know even with the muck around you can still get yourself back, children grow and the older they get the more they see for themselves, so stay strong and give them lots of love and understanding because they will love you, My older kids know what their dad is and they chose to NOT see him or talk to him unless they must! My two younger boys (I was married twice) They are now seeing their dad in a different light they are 10 and 12 but 3 yrs ago they started to see him differently and his dad will come when they don't want to see him, my 10 yr old is already that way. If you are going through a divorce or custody , the one thing I had placed in my orders was this. IF AT ANY TIME THE CHILDREN REQUEST TO GO HOME THE FATHER HAD TO BRING THEM HOME, HE WAS NOT ALLOWED TO FORCE THEM TO STAY WITH HIM. So if you have to CO Parent, see if this can be placed in the orders to protect the kids, most courts will allow it. Sorry this is so long, But thank you all!! I love my new addition to my family!!! MY CONTRACT WITH THE DEVIL IN NULL AND VOID!!!!!

"One more time"..that`s what every addict says before taking another dose..the excuse actually.. And we have to stop, before it`s too late to stop, you know.

THANK YOU! This spoke so loudly to me this morning! Day 13 of NC today, but got an email and voicemail from him yesterday. I haven't responded yet, but, I am ashamed to say, I have been toying with the idea. After all, I haven't seen him in 28 days, I've read volumes of information about the disorder, I'm on this site daily, therapy twice a week.... Knowledge is power right? How could I NOT be ready to face him with all this knowledge I have onboard, right? My two versions of response ranged from, "sure, we can be friends" to "you're a horrible toad that I never want to see again." Neither of which he would even hear for the laughter in his head that I was still willing to provide supply. Your post made me stop and recognize that my true power lies in the ability to ignore him. Why? I just can't compete. Certainly a blessing, but very hard to admit (I've got an unhealthy attachment to winning...one of several narcissistic qualities...blech) My therapist likens this to entering The Miss Black America Pageant, and being devastated that I don't win...since I'm not black, I should probably not engage in said Pageant :-) So there you have it. Thank you to all the beautiful, strong women that travelled this unfortunate path, and now educate and speak to the hearts of those who are traveling it now. xoxo Lynn