One-liners

These are just some things that I've read here and there and thought maybe you all have some good punchlines as well.....

That's why a con works so well. Everyone wants to feel more important than they actually are.

Without wood (us) a fire can't burn (NC)?

The best winning play is not to play at all.

When you get your own personality, call me.

You won't get anyone better than me because anyone better than me wouldn't go out with you !!!!

Narc conversation = verbal vomit

Here's one that was written by a theologien and after 12 years of catholic school I'm still mulling over this....Please don't shoot the messenger. (me)

If God dislikes sinners and the devil punishes sinners aren't they working on the same side?

betty2020's picture

are you hitching a ride, or just happy to see me? only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

nhtmf's picture

Did we just have sex or did you sneeze? or Being with you is like walking through the desert at noon in a skisuit.
naivenomore's picture

This is my favourite, of many! I hope it's a lasting gift I was able to give you, that you feel so good about your body and take joy in the wonderful work of art that it is and the miracle of sensuality. Never let anybody take that away. You could not be a whole person without it. Some of us will only wish we could at once experience the same. The gall to think that anyone could actually give someone their sexuality!
Used's picture

my exn, used to say cant you take a joke, i said i fuuuing married you didnt. game set and match.
Goldie's picture

It is not my fault you were so gaga in love with me you LET me do whatever I wanted. I cannot help you with: (the lies I told you about other women) you are going to have to work that out yourself or with a therapist or something. I know you are so in love with me that you will love me no matter what I do. I check out other girls whenever I want to, you just can't see me. I've had my share of hookers. Your son is a little fag wuss, mama's boy. Your dream will neva come true (he loved to use the words always and never). I have had two girls in one day many times, but I don't want to get into this now. You are a C---, Psycho B----, and who the hell eats lamb? I have already cheated on you, used you, and have the next one in the works, and I will leave when I am good and ready. I loved my other GF's more than you, I did whateva they wanted and went down on them all the time. They were beautful and I kept pics of them on my toolbox. I was neva much into breasts or p----'---. One of my X's was a stripper but I am not a handsome man and she would not stay with me. When I was a child, my dad took me to so many Pychiatrists and none of them did jack shit for me (no clue Sherlock). My sister was afraid of me. I'm not afraid of the police, I do whateva I want to do. You are fat, old, saggy, and have a crappy p----, no guy would ever marry a women with a crappy p----. I never loved you I was just looking for 3 square meals and a place to live. I know how to hit you so no bruises show. I will call the cops on you and tell them that your car hit me. That's it, this time I am leaving you for good. I replied, oh that is good, when are you leaving? He neva said that again. Maybe we can remain friends and you can counsel me with my new GF's (sorry buddy, I get the big bucks to do that, LOL). Even if we don't stay together, I still need you to help me. you are such a loving, caring, spiritual women. I will pay you back all your money even if I have to sell my tools (I was neva repayed a dime). I will help you fix all the holes I made in your walls. NOT. I will go to the hospital with you, after he hit me, we just don't have to tell them what happened (how sweet). There is much more, he was a ranter and a raver. Don't want to make this too long. And now for the good stuff: I'll neva leave ya bebe, you are my soulmate. I know you like a book, and we are the same (creepy). You are the sexiest most beautiful woman I have eva been with. You are the love of my life. You are the smartest women I have eva known. Everyone likes you, you get hit on all the time. You have so many friends. You can do whatever you set your mind to do. I have a tattoo on my chest which says ---- with a big giant heart. It hurt so much to get, but now I am spoiled for all other women. I will buy you the biggest best diamond from Tiffany's in NYC. I will marry you and spend the rest of my life making you happy. I will make love to you like a real man makes love to a real women. I want you to have my children, you are such an excellent mother. I will love you so much I will be like a big mushball and you will get tired of me. I cannot live without you, I will jump off the cell tower if you try to leave me (not sure if that is a good or a bad one). You have no idea how much I love you and you get off on all the power you have over me. I will fix everything in your house, yard, car, ect... You will not have to worry about a thing. You are the only one I eva loved. Goes on and on, sorry. Just so you know, none of the "good stuff" ones EVA came true. God bless, Goldie
rainbow1's picture

"I cannot help you with: (the lies I told you about other women) you are going to have to work that out yourself or with a therapist or something. I know you are so in love with me that you will love me no matter what I do." Those two really hit home to me. I have heard those so many times. When mine slept with 4 girls in the 2 weeks we broke up I was so sad. He said that is something I need to get over myself and he cant help me with it. I ACTUALLY did go see a therapist to move forward from it!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Briseis's picture

I have a little notepad full of these I've saved lol. Your ego is only surpassed by your stupidity. Too many freaks. Not enough circuses. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
almostlydia's picture

The only one I can think of at the moment but one I used quite often: 'I just wish you were the man you pretended to be.'

almostlydia

Used's picture

i didnt know the devil punished sinners, i thought the devil embraced them for doing his works, b/c all the evil people getting away with it, i always thought it is the devil protecting them.
nhtmf's picture

I guess the author was going on the premise of "burning in hell". Like I said that one kind of stopped me in my tracks too.