OK...what the hell?

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#1 Feb 23 - 11AM

ally2375

OK...what the hell?

So was doign SOOO well. I was moving on, starting to date again, making plans for the future. I was reconstructing my life without him and feeling more like myself than I have in months.

And then...whammo!

I can't stop thinking about him again. He invades my dreams every night. I have litte argumentative conversations with him in my head all day without realizing I'm doing it. I'm all weepy again, I miss him again, and I'm so damn mad at him for being in CA when I'm not that I could spit. WHAT IS GOING ON?

Anyone else experience this? I haven't seen him in two months and haven't heard from him since a silly FB invite a few weeks ago, so it's like it's coming out of nowhere.

#2 Feb 24 - 11AM

MandyM

It goes in phases, I guess.

It goes in phases, I guess. I've been having some weakness of my own lately, after a week or two of feeling strong and over the worst of it.I'm not even sure exactly what it is I miss about him . . . I just know I miss him. Hang in there. :-)

#3 Feb 24 - 5PM (Reply to #24)

ally2375

Thanks, Mandy

I've been reading your posts and I can relate to a lot of what you've been experiencing. I'm not sure what I miss either. I think it's as Venus says: the lack of closure really does a number on you.

#4 Feb 25 - 12PM (Reply to #26)

MandyM

It really, really does.

It really, really does. That's what drove me to the brink in the beginning - I had no idea what the hell had happened. All I knew was that all of a sudden, he was gone, and yet he kept insisting he wasn't (when he would deign to talk to me). That has to be the worst mental torture I've ever endured.

#5 Feb 24 - 5PM (Reply to #25)

Susan32

There was no "goodbye" because there was no "hello"

The last words I heard from the ex-Psych prof's mouth were "You were inappropriate!" Again, a refusal to apologize (in the end, it's something I mocked him for, saying sarcastically "Wow, how MANLY, not being responsible for your actions") His last words... were blaming me. This was coming from a man who was my teacher, NOT a lover/boyfriend/husband. I tried to FORCE closure many times. I tried to manipulate him into admitting what good I had done for him, to acknowledge me (and I wouldn't have minded him worshipping me&making himself my personal slave) I remember telling him, I'm wishing you well with your fiancee and you wish me well because I'm graduating, let's say goodbye and go our separate ways. When I wished him&his fiancee a lifetime of bliss... he raged. He claimed personal violation,that I was somehow "imposing" myself on him (by then, his personal boundaries&feelings didn't mean that much to me, I would've posted his tantrums on YouTube, but YouTube didn't exist then) In the end, I was basically telling him, "I will have closure MY way. I gave you EVERYTHING. Now you OWE me EVERYTHING. I am the ONLY one who matters here because I have feelings, you mere groveling mortal." Then I left town without a goodbye. I pulled the disappearing act.

#6 Feb 23 - 10PM

venuslovedpluto

Hey Ally =)

I hope you're doing alright with these frustrating feelings. It's kind of one step forward, two steps back with this kind of healing I think. Probably in large part because of the extreme lack of validation, there's nothing even anywhere near closure for us with these guys. It's so painful to have been so (intimate?) with someone who turns out to be a mirage. I think it's normal to feel a little haunted by it. I think with time it'll be less intense though, as you come to terms with it consciously and otherwise. Silver lining...this depth of emotion you experience and are expressing =) They could never take that from us. We're much too strong. And brave.

#7 Feb 24 - 9AM (Reply to #20)

ally2375

Thanks, Venus :)

I think you’re right about the validation thing. That is what’s bugging me right now. There was absolutely NONE with my guy. The way it ended was…strange. I’m not sure I meant to end it, even. I just couldn’t take the games anymore. The hot/cold, silent treatment/I miss you stuff was starting to take a toll on my health. I tried to talk to him about it and gave him the benefit of doubt so many times. He would always apologize, tell me he felt terrible, but inevitably the games would start up again. Each round was worse. The way it usually worked, he would ignore me for a couple of weeks or days. There was no predictable pattern or reason for this. I saw him every day, so it was very painful. During the silent times, I would tell myself he needed “space” and would try to give it to him. I would be friendly, but focused on doing my thing and not putting any pressure on him. I didn’t want to be needy or clingy. Eventually, when he was ready to talk to me, he would come to me or send me a text telling me he missed me and we would make up. I would ask him why he had been so distant, ask if I had done something to make him mad. He would deny that he had been ignoring me, deny that he had been mad at me, and always claim that his behavior had been unintentional. I bought this for a very long time. Back in the fall, he started the silent treatment again. I had other things going on in my life that were incredibly stressful and I just broke. I had had it. I had also become pretty sure that he was seeing someone else, possibly the entire time we were together. So when he decided I was worth acknowledging again and tried to open the lines of communication, I didn’t bite. I was so pissed off about the way he had been treating me that I started NC without really planning to. He went crazy trying to get me to pay attention to him – constant texting, more ignoring, penetrating stare, conversations within earshot to make me jealous, etc. – but I clung to my indignation. He got nothing from me. And that was it. I left town for vacation in December. When I came back, he was gone. He sent several more texts, an “apology” email, and a FB invite, but I’ve never acknowledged any of it. Now, there’s just silence. So, there is NO closure. He went on his merry way to SoCal, where he is probably dating up a storm and not giving me a second thought. The CA thing is a slap in the face. I think he chose it because he knows how much I want to be back home in LA. He always told me he’d never want to live there. Well, isn’t he just full of surprises? Anyway, this is officially a rant, so I’ll stop now! Thanks for letting me get it all out! Ally

#8 Feb 25 - 12PM (Reply to #21)

venuslovedpluto

Hello Ally :)

I think it's great that you're venting, it helps you validate this stuff. It helps to Make It Real. Otherwise it's so easy to get disoriented again, as we did on the rollercoaster with him. The mind will play tricks; was it really him or was it me being unreasonable at times? Was he actually taking cheap covert shots or am I just paranoid & incapable of letting the little weird things we all say go? Why did he treat me as he did, what did he see in me that he didn't like? Is he really disordered? Etc, etc. I forgave my ex so much of the weird crap he pulled...I was so accomodating, it's how he was able to lie to me for years and get away with it. He took complete advantage of my non-suspicious, non-paranoid, positive, optimistic, trusting soul. And then had the nerve to call me nag, crazy, tripper, negative...as if this was the gist of my personality...just for standing up to him and questioning some of his behavior. I get it now, that it was manipulation, but then- all I could see was how hard I'd tried to love him, how hard I'd worked to try and get us to healthy, how cool I'd been to him...for nothing. To ultimately be called "drama", (labeled as the type of woman I can't stand- bitchy, neurotic, unforgiving, relentlessly beating every little problem into a major issue), how completely defeating was THAT. Talk about invalidation. It's amazing that they'll stoop so low just to escape accountability & assume self-righteous control. With the last person they'd need fear being vulnerable to or abandoned by. The Silent Treatment. JUST so they can try and control your happiness. That's all that is. Pricks. I don't doubt that your Pig went to California because You thought it was a great place to be. We know how envious these guys are. Of course he had to pretend otherwise by announcing his disdain for Cali. Please. He admires your style. He has none, so he's jealous of all with Good Taste. (Excuse me while I have a Jr. High flashback lol.) I love Hawaii & told my ex I wanted to move there someday. He'd never been but went last year on vacay, with an old female college chum. For 2 weeks. He'd told me it was business. Then told me he lied because I always "trip out." Lol. The only thing I'd asked him to bring me back...some sand. A ziplock baggie full, to touch and play with & run my fingers through. He brought me back a teeny tiny prescription bottle, half filled. That's how controlling they are of our happiness, that's how far they are from Real Love. I'm Sooo glad you're away from this guy, Ally. He let it peter out as he did because he knew he was losing control. That he'd lost a chunk of his charm with the Silent Treatments, he HAD to walk away being the desired one, being the one who wasn't A Problem, had to leave while you still wanted him though too. Basically, he had to walk away while he could still delude himself into easily believing all of that. What a man. Good Riddance! I know how much it hurts, I know him being in Cali hurts, but it WILL get better, especially the more you (we) accept that we could've never had real happiness with someone who can't even look at himself or really look at you either. They are perpetually emotionally absent. Too bad they can't be quarantined on some remote island about 45,000 miles away.

#9 Feb 25 - 12PM (Reply to #22)

ally2375

Yes, yes and yes

Thank you so much for this response. You've completely nailed how I feel. I was always so accommodating, forgiving, easy-going. That's who I am. He took full advantage, for sure. The jealousy, the manipulation, the control...I will never understand that. If he would only have treated me with respect and kindness, I would have shared everything in my life with him: my style, my friends, all of it. I would never have lied, cheated, or deliberately hurt him. All I asked in return was the same loyalty and consideration. That was too much to ask, I guess. Anyway, thank you SO MUCH, Venus. I can't even tell you how much better I feel after reading your post. It helps to keep my head on straight. Funny, the sand story could be analogy for our relationships with these men. We ask for so little and they delivered even less. Douch-baggery. ;)

#10 Feb 23 - 7PM

Happy1

ally

I'm 2 months out now and I have good and bad days. Some days I can feel pretty good and not think of him much. Then I have teary days and think of him often. It's a little bit of a roller coaster ride right now. I also think it's the calm after the storm. I'm used to so much ups and downs with him that it's a detox of sorts. I would have such huge highs with him and huge lows. It's hard to explain but not having this drama has created a calm after 3 years that I had forgotten existed and it's hard to adjust to at times. I don't like drama but something has made me addicted to him so I have no clue. I avoid drama and conflict and ended up with a highly over dramatic individual that blew everything out of proportion. Sorry for getting off track! 8-) Bottom line is I will have days like you where I feel fine and then bam! It hits me suddenly that I miss him and think of him. It is annoying to say the least. I think it will all get better in time for us though. We just have to wait it out and feel the pain. There will be a time when we will look back at this as just a learning experience and nothing more. They don't deserve anything more than that. No real emotion anyway. Hugs! Happy

#11 Feb 24 - 9AM (Reply to #18)

ally2375

Happy

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I so appreciate it. I have to remember that healing isn't done in a straight line. I am pretty tired of the roller coaster, but I have to admit that the hills aren't as steep as they were a couple of months ago. I look forward to the day when I can look back on this as nothing but a learning experience. :)

#12 Feb 23 - 4PM

ally2375

Thanks

Thanks Lina, NewPage, Idealk, Journey, Scoop, Jen. I appreciate the comments. I was in CA last week, and I think that had something to do with the trigger. And, maybe I am dating too soon. I don't know. I just want to heal and move on. I don't want to give him any more of my head space, but man; he dug in like a tick!

#13 Feb 23 - 8PM (Reply to #16)

newpage

Damned bloodsuckers! This

Damned bloodsuckers! This analogy is too good. If only I could LITERALLY light a match under his ass...or what else is the proper way of removing ticks these days? Tweezers? Slow death by Vaseline? Haha, a girl can dream right... You will be okay Ally. One day at a time for us all! Hugs, NP

#14 Feb 23 - 4PM (Reply to #15)

Scoop

"but man , he dug in like a

"but man , he dug in like a tick" absolutly they are emotional parasites , they burrow and spread their poison . Horrible little flea .x

#15 Feb 23 - 4PM (Reply to #12)

Lisa E. Scott

Ally

The ladies have given you great support. They're right. Be patient with yourself. I know it sucks to think about them, but you are right that your trip to CA definitely triggered emotional memories of him. Process these feelings. Get them out. Do not repress them or you will remain stuck. Once you process, retrain the brain and focus on taking care of yourself. If you haven't read this post, it may help as I definitely think emotional memories are at play here: http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/01/29/emotional-memory-power-our-thoughts

#16 Feb 23 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

ally2375

Emotional memory article

I did read that article, and I just went back and read it again. It has a lot of great insight. In particular, during the worst times, I found it really useful to try to "Stop" method when I was stuck in a negative though pattern. The problem now is the dreams! All of a sudden, he's crashing in on me every night, and I wake up feeling like I've been steamrolled. I'm just going to roll with it and assume it's temporary.

#17 Feb 23 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

Lisa E. Scott

Ally

Yes, it's only temporary. This too shall pass, my friend. Hang in there and know we are here for you, always. xoxo

#18 Feb 23 - 3PM

LinaS

Ally

I know that feeling very well. I´ve not seen my ex-N for four months, and I haven´t heard from him since before christmas. Most of the time I don´t really miss him. But then suddenly I get these bouts of intense longing mixed with extreme anger, and all I want to do is to hit him or take him in my arms, or at least talk to him and make him realise what he did to me. I guess the grief comes in waves, and that this is the way our minds handle the pain - a little bit at a time. For me this feeling gets worse during PMS, or like now when I´m down, tired and have a cold. I dream about him too. My therapist thinks that´s good and that the dreams help me process everything that´s happened. I totally understand your anger about him being in CA. Here in my country we´ve had five months of snow and cold and darkness now, and I hate the idea of my ex-N being warm and happy (and smug) in Hong Kong with his new girfriend. But the truth is that it doesn´t matter where they are. They will always be homeless in their hearts. Nothing will ever satisfy them in the long run. You can go back to CA in the future and be happy because you´re home. He will never be.

#19 Feb 23 - 12PM

newpage

Ally

I have been missing mine recently, too. Just when I thought I was getting stronger. I either have days where I feel semi-invincible or a mess wondering how - I - ruined things with him, self blame, etc. I can't really figure out why I have been so weepy. I hate missing him, it makes me feel like there is something really wrong with me. I haven't been dating, but I think my therapist thinks it would be good for me, nothing serious. She just wants me to get out there so that I understand there are in fact OTHER PEOPLE out there since I am so fixated on him. (Ideal sort of thought it was a bad idea, I am conflicted- haha) I'm ashamed to admit it but I do get fixated on these men I feel are meant to be THE LOVES of my life. I've only fallen for 3 guys and I am 30. One didn't reciprocate, the other was an early high school boyfriend, and then this mess I'm in now. (emotionally and physically unavailable) I sort of think that's what is triggering all of this, for me. I'm pretty good at speaking to and to relating to people, but the thought of a man actually relating to me and possibly being interested, too, seems so impossible right now. Maybe because of all my baggage and hang ups and low self esteem. I start thinking, 'I don't want someone new, I want things the way they were with him when they were good'. :( I wish we could just see that the truth is, we should not be missing any of these people! It is frustrating, for sure. Hugs, NP

#20 Feb 23 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

Hunter

New Page

Its a true Head fuck. I am married as you know. I was ready to leave pack my bags and go to NYC. I couldn't think straight. When the D&D hit. I even got to a point that my cute dog was driving me nuts. I was very close to taking him to the pound. You may pass up something good because your head is with the narc. Only you know you. Try going on a date and tell us how you felt. We all can learn from this. Idealk

#21 Feb 23 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

newpage

Ideal

I am so glad that you were able to shake him enough so that you kept your puppy! You know its pretty powerful stuff that they are dosing out when you start thinking the unthinkable. I know you love dogs, and I love them too. They are truly amazing. Unfortunately, I can't own one right now, but we actually have a few cuties at work! I am only too glad to scoop one up in my lap for some kisses. Every time I see your avatar I hope that someday your N will find a bruiser like that on the back of his ass. OUCH! Also, if I ever work up the cajones to go on a date, I will report back. Hugs to all

#22 Feb 23 - 12PM

Hunter

Ally

Hi Its normal, I get worse around PMS time. I've been having a hard time myself these days. Just fight through it. :( Idealk

#23 Feb 23 - 12PM

Journey

Ally

Yes, I experience this often. Almost every day I feel this... driving me crazy! I was realizing last night how long it has been and how much I still miss him. Argh!! I haven't been dating but I can almost imagine it... Love your pic btw :)

Journey on...

#24 Feb 23 - 11AM

jen79

ally

dont start to date yet. I am pretty sure, this has something to do with it. Its too early. I know from my own experience. If you start to early after such a trauma, you will start to miss him again. Hugs

#25 Feb 23 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

Scoop

Jens right

I had the same thing where i started to date way to early . Let me tell you there is nothing more depressing than getting a text form someone youre not really keen on , i started to compaire my feeling to when the narc text me and i would get that rush in my heart and that just kicked of my cog diss and ptsd . In some ways it was lovely being taken out and being treated well but that didnt out weigh the ptsd triggers and any relationships i started in that time where doomed . I hurt Dr guy and that was not what i wanted at all ... The time i have sent on my own have been a god send although it dosnt feel like it sometimes , i have never lived alone before , i was scared to be alone but now i know i can be alone so i dont have to cling to unsutable people , its such a huge learning curve for me and i feel so independent , although the bathroom light has blown and i cant get to it to change it as its so high up so i do need a bloke for that and to get the spider that is living in the corner of my hall way ... hmm i need to hire a man by the hour .. can you do that ?lol ..

#26 Feb 23 - 8PM (Reply to #4)

justicejones

So true, Scoop...

That is true about going on a date and getting texts from a guy your not crazy about...then comparing them to the Narc...but as someone else on here said, you could be missing out on something really good cause your head is still on the Narc. Why do we compare? Cause the feelings were so real and passionate with the Narc. It's like some intense drug that's not good for us, but the high is addicting. Then when a normal person without all the disorder comes along, it's like, "what the heck? this guy is boring..." only because he is normal. It's like those people that are addicted to meth say that sex on meth (i wouldn't know, but my exNarc husband was an addict) is truly mindblowing and getting used to it without the drug is dull, and takes time to bring it back to pre-drug sex. In time, we will all get to that place where normal isn't dull, in fact delightful and comforting, if we work the steps. As far as WHAMMMM!!! Oh, I know about that! My Mr Narc has been gone for years, but every night I have been having dreams of him. I believe me taking the kids for a vacation to Southern California next week, where he lives is the trigger. I don't plan on seeing him, but knowing he lives there and that so many bad memories took place down there, takes me back! Yuck. These aren't happy dreams, mainly me finding out he has like eighty more children here and there and his mom is still enabling him. Then me yelling at him and hitting him, which I never got to do in real life due to fear! I hate steps back.

#27 Feb 23 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

newpage

Scoop

OMG, I know. I talked to a guy for two hours at a bar and he was nice and he seemed interested. (I never do this, ever) We exchanged numbers, and well, he never called. All of the sudden I was barraged with thoughts of the old N, and how he had been interested in me, not like this guy, it must be me...it can totally screw things up.

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