Been about a month since I last posted. NC/LC still in force with my XNH. Recap – he moved his things out and went back out on the road as an OTR trucker back in August. I have drafted up a pre-divorce settlement agreement that is awaiting his signature, just never know when he will be back in this neck of the woods, so it sits by my home computer. So, I have been making some substantial emotional upgrades, I don’t sob into my pillow every night anymore, but still feel very lonely and hurt many evenings. I know I should feel elated and happy that he is gone because of all the misery he put me through. I know I am way over-sensitive for sure. I have been getting out on weekends and meeting new people at community events, walking my dog and saying hi to neighbors, working hard at the office and doing a little re-decorating at home, still going to the gym a couple evenings a week and swimming/floating in the pool and some meditation for stress related anxiety. All has been helping.
So for some way-back history, I believe I come from a long-ass family of folks with issues. Maternal Grandmother used to fake having a heart attack if you didn’t do what she told you to do. (fear & guilt based control). So my mom had no skills in standing up to anyone, especially when my stepdad was being verbally abusive – she kept her mouth shut and was as meek as a little lamb. My bio-dad was a very handsome guy with loads of charm, and cheated throughout his marriage with my mom, they were divorced when I was 10. Then he got married/divorced 3 more times till he finally ended up with my current stepmom who is only 1 year older than me. Dad was always too busy schlepping the ladies to really have any deep meaningful relationship with me and my brother. So, my guess is Dad has possible N-tendencies, but he does seem to have empathy so it’s hard to gauge exactly how I learned to be so frick’n co-dependent, or why I seem attracted to men that are like lost puppy dogs.
My 1st husband – teenage love. He threw horrible temper tantrums when he didn’t get his way, or if I started to cry because I was scared of him, so I left him when our son was about 10 months old and got financial help for a divorce. Nothing to split back then, didn’t own anything. Then a 20-something years string of boyfriends, of which the only one that treated me decently was a cowboy from Stockton California, who left to work a ranch up in Nebraska with his parents. The good one that got away. The rest all wanted to control, use, manipulate, take advantage of my giving and generous nature (insecurities), my hard work ethic (always paid my bills – and sometimes their bills too), all made a bunch of empty promises, never kept any. I raised my son as best I could and protected him from the abuse, but he did experience enough to taint him. When he turned 18, he moved in with a girlfriend and moved up to Minnesota. They later married, had 3 kids, then got divorced about 4 years ago. After my son moved away, I started dating again and that’s when my current NH appeared on the scene. Well, I had this empty house, I was working full time and just finishing up school getting a degree and the world was supposed to be my oyster. We were friends as work, and he swooped in, love bombed like crazy and asked me to marry him within 6 months. He seemed to appreciate everything about me, and we had so much fun together. I was never so happy in my entire life. Not even 2 weeks after we got married everything changed. The fake-ass masked slipped off. I just thought it was us adjusting to married life but it seemed I was the only one trying to make all the right (wrong) adjustments. Fast forward 15 years of fake future promises, him never wanting intimacy, me the cash cow and home base financial manager, and when I finally have the courage to call him out on his shitty and unappreciative treatment of me and unproductive involvement in our marriage, he tells me he doesn’t love me anymore and admits he hasn’t felt anything for at least 4 years (probably a lot longer than that I estimate).
Okay, I have now accepted ALL OF THAT and I am moving forward and starting to feel little Junibug rising up inside and saying oh HELL NO, I AM NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS CRAP-GO-ROUND ANYMORE and I want to get on with my life and it's gonna be the best part of all. So what is the issue today you ask, why am I posting again today?
Well, my son (who is now 38) texted me to see how I was doing, so I texted so so, that I was still working on myself, gaining healthier perspectives and trying to feel good about me. (because my self-value has been in total shambles and I have a lot of rebuilding to do.) He texts that I should come visit him and the kids, I text back I will and when is a good time to call, he texts back anytime-right now if you can (he’s at work too), so I call him.
We begin a nice little conversation that suddenly takes a nasty turn. As I describe for him the current context of my life situation (because he asked), he starts to pontificate and tells me that I have always been indecisive, why haven’t I moved on already in my life. I defend and say I think I have been doing pretty good considering. I am setting a lot of new boundaries and my soon to be ex is having a hard time with my new rules and attitude, so that shows I am growing. I have also drafted my settlement agreement and I just need 10 minutes of my ex’s time to get him to sign the papers. He rebuttals, just have them served on him. Um, he’s a truck driver, owner-contractor – cross country – Canada too. With NC rule in place, how the hell am I supposed to keep track of where he is, and why would I want to start obsessing over that issue? But what really plugs up my blow hole is he then says that I am not being a good enough grandmother to my grandkids because I don’t call them enough. Guilt, Shame, not good enough, not good enough, not being able to be all things to everyone in my life at all times, this is the hell shit fire of negativity and poison that I have battled my whole life, and I feel cornered emotionally again. So I completely shut it down. I say, I love you son, but I am not going to continue this conversation and I hang up on him.
Wait for it, I then get a text from him: “U R ridiculous. Don’t call me if u can’t listen to what I am trying to tell u”. Of course the tears almost over took me, nobody seems to understand how lost I have been feeling, and how hard I have been working to pull myself up and move on. I am 57 years young, I have lived a life already. I feel so betrayed and foolish and angry all at the same time so much of the time. So I took a deep breath and went downstairs to get a sandwich for lunch with one of my workmates, then went back to work, and tried to brush it off as best I could.
My wonderful grandkids came to visit me this past August. We spent whole week together, taking them around my neck of the woods, to see the interesting sites and having fun. Posted a lot of our adventures on FB for my friends to share. That was my only vacation time with them this whole ugly mess of year. Please constructively tell me what the hell sent me over the edge today, but PLEASE don’t tell me I am a bad grandma. I love those kids so much and I just can’t take being told that.
Thx for listening, Junibug XOXOX