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ok wat is wrong with me?

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#1 Dec 5 - 1AM
CrAzY4trying
CrAzY4trying's picture

ok wat is wrong with me?

alright.... i have been trying to have nc for 6 months now.... i broke up wit her in may.... had very no contact for 4 months... i ignored text messages, phone calls etc... one day i recieved a text message that lead to going to dinner , sex.. driving her to airport , picking her up after her trip,... relized what i was getting myself into, back off, and stopped ... she came to my job one day wondering why i wasnt answering her calls, emails etc... i told her i was at work and that her coming to my job is unacceptable, i followed up with an email stateing that coming to my job was unacceptable and i will not tolerate it ... i said it was clear i didnt want to talk to her... she responded with an email which i ignored.... i started nc agin and one day last week decided to peek at her fb page.... big mistake!!!!! found out she is seeing someone, so i peeked at the their fb, big mistake!!! now im doubting myself, judgeing myself and feel like im not moving forward at all!!!! i feel horrible... why do i do this to myself.... wats wrong with me... please someone help me open my eyes, wth its so simple NC... no peeking ... why do i do it, help me stop.... i feel like im constatnly moving one step forward and 10 steps back.... any suggestions as to why i do this?? am i the crazy one??

Dec 6 - 11AM
peaches
peaches's picture

fb messes with nc

I had a big fb relapse from nc. It sent me into more obessing and confusion. I found out he had new supply, which I knew in my gut anyway. It was humiliating. They caught me logged in and we actually chatted a bit. I said some nasty truths about him while chatting with her. He was very angery and texted me nasty things before I could get him blocked. The whole thing only served to set me up for more pain. I don't want to care about him or what he does. I feel sorry for her. I'm learning here and through experience that contact=pain. I need to do the work to move on and leave him in my dust. I made a commitment to stay off fb and have done that now for 6 days. Sometimes a minute at a time. When I wanted info about him I checked in here and read about other's experiences with their N's, which were all painful and confusing. I have to know that is what contact with mine would be and snooping is contact. The obsessive thinking is lessening, but it has been a rough week. It was really interesting and a good lesson to see how all the old craziness kicked in when I snooped. They told me here to not look at fb again, forgive myself and move on. That's what I'm doing and it's working. Best wishes to you.
Dec 6 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
CrAzY4trying
CrAzY4trying's picture

thanks..

and good luck to u as well.... the crazy thing is i defriend the N 6 months ago.... and cant actully look at their page just activity .... so wat i found i blow up in to this whole drama that i created in my mind.... uggg not giving this person another second , min of my time or energy... my energy will be spent on my own healing.... contact= pain... contact= pain... contact = pain... repeat contact= pain....
Dec 5 - 9PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Contact =

Contact = Pain.. Block.. Hunter
Dec 5 - 2PM
spinning
spinning's picture

C4T, only you can answer this

question. You have the power to stop peeking, but you are choosing to peek. Your choice to peek is also your choice to torture yourself. Your choice to peek is also your choice to have a hand in your own abuse. Your choice to peek is YOUR CHOICE to go back for more pain. To visit a place of pain. To get in touch with a place of pain. To cause your own self pain. Only you know why that appeals to you. You can choose to avoid pain. You can choose to be free of self-doubt and bad feelings. You can CHOOSE not to peek or engage in any way. It really is quite simple and it really is a choice. There is no rocket science involved. Perhaps you have not yet been hurt enough...though I would venture to guess otherwise. Perhaps you continue to peek because the painful place is more familiar than the unknown (and possibly very happy and fulfilling) life free of the disordered chains and the conditioning. It's scary to completely abandon a way of life for something unknown, but it is a risk worth taking if you want something better, pain and chaos free, and liberating. I know this because I've done it. It's a choice, C4T. Choose yourself! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, CHECKED OUT OF NARCVILLE FOR GOOD!

spinning

Dec 5 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
CrAzY4trying
CrAzY4trying's picture

SOOO TRUE....

It is a form of self abuse... god forbid im happy , and content with my life..... talked about it in therapy today, and i am going to practice thinking it through to the end next time i feel like peeking etc...just like an alcoholic thinks a drink through before picking it up... the choice will be mine .... thanks for ur honest reply, i am in a much better space today... peace and self love is mine for the taking... thats my choice for today....
Dec 6 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
spinning
spinning's picture

Great work C4T! This is what I

love to see here! Choose yourself! It's not easy. It's a process. It hurts sometimes but you can do it! The payoff is bliss! Freedom from chaos and confusion! I am proud of you for this, C4T. Keep practicing...soon enough it becomes automatic. Hugs to you and high five! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. I CHOOSE TO NEVER AGAIN SPIN OVER ANY MAN, OVER ANYONE!

spinning