The Path Forward Virtual Retreat Febuary 2021!



Ok I lost it again, I feel awful Please HELP

81 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Nov 29 - 10AM
jen79
jen79's picture

Ok I lost it again, I feel awful Please HELP

Yesterday I posted that I see now, my happiness in all in my hands, and that I have given power away to the N.

And I as I feared today I lost it again. I thought I might need some sleep, I dreamed of him, having sex with him. I woke up and felt awfull again, asking myself why is he so eager to get back with his gf, why he doesnt want me, why her.

I know its a blessing in dishuise blahblah, but right now this doesnt help me.

I see now this raging text, his davaluation has impacted me again so much.

I didnt see him for one and a half year. And he fucked with my mind just through texts. How is it possible so much evil comes from just a textmessage?

I want to feel again that clarity I already had, where I saw so clearly its not me.

And my intellect knows he only devalued and condemns me now cause I wasnt the good submissive mind reading supply he wanted from me, but my heart cant stop feeling unworthy, unloved, a loser, and I cannot wrap my mind around how much he hates me now. After everything I have done for him.

How can a person do that, I feel like thrown back to square one again.

I know I have to block him, blahblah, I wont hear from him anytime soon anyway. I just want to feel better again.

Tell me I am not crazy, tell me I am not a crazy stabbing fangirl, tell me everything will be fine again.

I am so exhausted again.

Dec 7 - 5PM
jen79
jen79's picture

I allow myself to be

first thanks for all the responses, they all helped me alot. And the boddom line seems to be make peace with where you are, and allow yourself to go through it...again. And after having a minute a suicidal thought again, thinking thats my lowest point again, I decided to clean it up all NOW...to find any relief..any. So I decided some things. And yes it brought me relief. 1. I allow myself to be angry. 2. I allow myself to be selfish and thinking only about me. 3. I allow myself to be not liked by some people. 4. I allow myself to be a selfish screwy girlfriend, friend, daughter, sister, if that means I can only protect myself in that way by annoying others...so be it. 5. I allow myself to NOT fight for anyone anymore, to make them feel better, to improve them, to save them, to heal them, to fix them, I allow myself to give those things up. 6. I allow myself to not trying to manifest again the happy vision I had once with me and the narc...I allow myself to give that up. 7. I allow myself to be sloppy, unemployed, a looser who still needs help from family...yes I was left alone with 16 and fighted since then to get along in life alone, now I allow myself to NOT get along alone in life, and I let my family help me in every way they can, and I wont feel guilty about that. Its my right, I allow myself to feel entitled to that. 8. I allow myself to be a nasty daughter, as my father probrably thinks now of me, cause HE now has to pay back my study credit. He never payed anything for me, left me alone my since 16, didnt care if I have enough to eat, now its time for HIM to pay the price for that. No lawyer he can exploit, but a daughter who didnt make it as a lawyer, cause HE didnt care how I finish my study. Karma bus. 9. I allow myself to accept it, lets say its true, I am not good enough for the N, not beautiful, not interesting, not successful enough, too needy, too crazy, too eratic, too ugly...whatever it was for him...so be it, then I am not good enough for him..so what. I'll be good enough for myself, and that'll be enough for now. 10. I allow myself to give up for now on any romantic thoughts, kids, family...I give it up. I can also live alone and having a dog...they at least always love you. 11. I allow myself to demand to have only nice friends. I will not accept any screwy wishy washy friendship anymore. Even if that means I am an intollerant, screwed up person, so be it. 12. I allow myself to be oversensitive, overreactive. 13. I allow myself to have weird unexplainable love feelings towards the N, even if I cannot find any logical reason anymore why he shall be so lovable, but from time to time I still feel it. 14. I allow myself to look sloppy, with my casual clothes, and I allow myself to reject any stupid questions about what I am doing right now, cause I am not doing anything but healing. 15. I allow myself to have a weird past, full of drama, pain and suffer, and much more experience than the everage in my age. Yes thats not like in a happy sunshine rainbow movie...with daddy taking care his daughter gets a good man...yes it was screwed up all the way. So be it. So be it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dec 7 - 9PM (Reply to #80)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

This is all great Jen. But

This is all great Jen. But you forgot one thing on your list. The most important thing. I allow myself to Love Me. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Dec 7 - 4PM
momoya
momoya's picture

It always about getting back

It always about getting back to how it was in the beginning. When we were valued and they wanted us. Allow youself the time to think it over. Don't fight thinking of him. It will work out in it's own time. There is a lot of damage to repair from the aftermath of a Narc in your life. It is like a car accident. You literally feel like you have been through the ringer. I dreamed of my exN too, and his wife. I hated it. I wanted nothing more than to be "free" of him. But the more I resisted the more those thoughts and dreams persisted. Give yourself time to heal. Be nice to yourself. You are good enough and you deserve better. Stay No Contact. The more time that goes by the more you will heal. It will get better. momoya

momoya

Dec 4 - 12PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jen...

It's hard to forget them when you are so fresh out of it...don't try to fight it, take it moment by moment...soon you will see as more and more time passes it gets less and less... He won't be leaving your head anytime soon - but the longer you obsess about his mental eviction - sometimes it works against the grain... He will occupy the space and not pay any rent for a while longer...let him linger... Eventually he'll get tired an move out of your head... makes sense?
Dec 4 - 10AM
jen79
jen79's picture

and btw

Fuck them, fuck them all!!!!! No one calls me alien face, weird beauty, not that beautiful, borderline bitch, crazy, nutty, stabbing fangirl EVER again!!!!!! I hate them all!!!!!
Dec 4 - 10AM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Triggers and mind control...

Hey Jen..the MOST important thing you can do right now is be there for yourself. Judging yourself because you miss him is only going to reinforce the damage that he did. Reread your post...it's all about him. You dreaming about him, you thinking about him, you wondering why he chose someone over you, the judgement you have of yourself as unworthy (so NOT true). This is what Ns do to us. They get us wanting to get inside their heads, to think about their needs and their wants because that is the only way that we will possibly ever get what we want or need. It is IMPOSSIBLE, yes...IMPOSSIBLE to keep an N happy. They dangle that propect in front of us like a shiny diamond and we spend the rest of the time trying so desperately to get back to that promise. That is how we end up losing ourselves and feeling crazy. The only way I can describe it is that it is like a drug...we try harder and harder to get less and less of what we need (but we try because we got a glimpse of that wonderful diamond). The withdrawal symptoms are harsh and the only way forward is to FEEL them, ACKNOWLEDGE them and LOVE YOURSELF through them. Give yourself permission to miss him and know that you will have triggers. Songs, shows, places that will bring him dead center in your mind. As you allow yourself to dwell on him, try to think a bit about yourself and what was missing from the relationship that you needed (journalling helps to reveal these unmet needs). By interjecting a bit of what you needed but did not, you will slowly chip away at that promise and reveal the actual fool's gold for what it is (and we all have to do that because the diamond is sooooo compelling). Also, no two people are going to go through this process in the same steps or with the same timeline. Your journey is personal and we are all here for you when you need us. HUGS, HUGS, HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dec 4 - 10AM (Reply to #63)
jen79
jen79's picture

TNR

You are right, I am not allowing myself to miss him. I dont want to miss him, but I tried not to miss him for almost 1 and half year and it didnt work out, maybe I can clean up that mess only by going THROUGH it. I dont even know what exactly I miss. I miss only the idea, and the high from the beginning, that is painful to remember, cause I know it was only a lie...or maybe not, maybe he was happy that day, but anyway, he isnt a happy man most of the time, and that is what counts. I wish I could just erase him from my memory. All those drama and hurt he have brought over my life. And he doesnt give a damn. And it hurts to know, that there werent any men, that I met, who told me I am the wonderful person they looked for, that at the end started didnt abuse me...I guess I am done with romance, at least for now. I want kids and a family...god knows if that is ever going to happen..
Dec 7 - 12PM (Reply to #69)
Journey
Journey's picture

Through the fog

I really think there is only one way to get clear of them and that is by going straight through the fog. Detours (new men, casual sex, ignoring our authentic feelings, etc.), don't get us where we need to go. Feel what you feel, cry when you need to, don't TRY to stop yourself from thinking about him because you will... One day you will notice that what you feel and think is not always about him. I found it helpful to compile a list of everything I can think of that he said or did that either confused or hurt me in some way or another. I add to it whenever something new comes to me. I am so done with romance - but not with love. I don't have any desire to look for a new man, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but there are worse things. I hope (it's slowly coming back to me) that one day I will have a happy and supportive love relationship in my life with a man who can accept and love me for who I am and not a hollow extension of who they are that I must give up parts of myself to maintain. I know I am a fun, loving, honest and worthwhile person. I am human with faults that I work toward improving always and if no man comes into my life to share it with then maybe I'll just open up an animal sanctuary of some sort one day and give all the love I feel in me to do something good for others - but never again to some self serving narc who couldn't care less. Journey on...

Journey on...

Dec 7 - 2PM (Reply to #73)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Holy crap

that's exactly what I have done. I have surrounded myself with critters. I even had a possum for a while. She was great :) and then recently found her way out the front door and is now on her own. Animals need our love and care, and at least are HONEST when they bite, scratch, howl, peck or poop on us :D Hmm, maybe that's the draw . . .
Dec 7 - 3PM (Reply to #74)
Journey
Journey's picture

Critters

A possum, that's so cool. I think we are drawn to animals because despite being really cute sometimes (like every baby animal in my opinion excluding snakes), animals have simple needs, they are easy to please and they are instinctively loyal and brave. They don't know the meaning of the word dishonesty and never have a hidden agenda we need to protect ourselves from. It is easy to love them for just 'being', which is what every one of us deserves to feel is given to us by those who profess to care about us. Journey on...

Journey on...

Dec 7 - 3PM (Reply to #75)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

In touch with the animals...

The ex-Psych professor once angrily said to me that only "dumb kids and stupid animals liked me." But then again, he bragged about how the professors' children and how animals feared him. Oh, he also claimed to loooove the animals and be a vegetarian because he loooved them so much. Down in New Mexico, I got along better with animals (some of them are natural predators, that's how they are) than with him. I once was walking with a friend... and a German shepherd followed us back to campus. The happy owners reunited with their dog. It was a dog who took a liking to us immediately. I was able to get close to coyotes (amazingly, I saw a coyote here in the Bay Area-it's been at least a decade since I've seen one) After the final D&D, I bonded with my roommate's cat, and I was a block away from a bear when waiting for a ride. The bear did not harm me, let alone see me. Coyotes, dogs, cats, and bears are predatory animals--but they're friendlier company than predatory humans. I used to have a pet lizard and a pet toad... a lot LESS slimy than the ex-P!!!! When it comes to cold blooded creatures, I'd rather come home to a lizard than a psychopath.
Dec 7 - 2PM (Reply to #70)
jen79
jen79's picture

animal sanctuary

I like that idea.
Dec 7 - 3PM (Reply to #71)
Journey
Journey's picture

animals

Me too! Animals are the best. I've often joked about retiring out of the city one day and opening up a petting zoo of rescued animals, especially if I ever win a lottery. I don't have children so it could help satisfy any latent nurturing needs I have that relate to humans as well - lol! Likewise, to be able to volunteer for animal rescue groups that help during natural disasters. Farm animals and family pets almost always have to stay behind when humans are evacuated. Its heart breaking. I read a book about this that was very inspiring years ago called 'Out of Harms Way' by Terry Crisp about a woman who gave up everything stable in her life to do that and I think is now the director of 'Emergency Animal Rescue Services in the US', which I believe she also co founded. Also, I just love 'The Elephant Sanctuary', they are truly remarkable animals. Journey on...

Journey on...

Dec 7 - 9PM (Reply to #72)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

I volunteer for a dog and cat rescue group...

and I love it. It gets me out of thinking about myself and allows me to help find cats and dogs homes. If you love animals, consider volunteering. All shelters and rescue groups can use your time. :)
Dec 4 - 1PM (Reply to #64)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Don't think about chocolate...

When you read my title, what did you think about? Ok, now, when you come to this message board and we talk about Narcissism, who do you associate with that word? I know that every time I come here, every time I talk with someone about Narcissism, that Mr. N is the one that is attached to that word. So in a sense, this board for me is a trigger to thoughts about Mr. N. I am not at all advocating leaving this board because I think when we are here for recovery, it helps tremendously in our process. But I do think it is a trigger and we need to give ourselves grace for it. I spent the first 7 months after D&D doing nothing but trying to figure out how to win Mr. N back. It was very obvious to my therapist that my questions about Narcissism and about Mr. N (both on this board and with her) were me trying to manipulate the situation to get him back. I was in a lot of denial about that as well. Sometimes unconciously there is stuff we must process, we cannot simply sweep it under the rug because it will come back into our dreams. When we have such an intense relationship that seems to offer us everything we ever wanted, it is extremely hard to give that up. The only way is to interject ourselves back into that fairy tale and reveal that the fairy tale is toxic to us. I see that you have a goal not to think about him, but perhaps the goal should be that when you do think about him, it doesn't have any power over you. Imagine picturing his face and have it have no effect on you...no feelings of anger or sadness or regret. It just was a relationship in your past and it did not define you.
Dec 7 - 9AM (Reply to #68)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Yes! Yes!

I too was reading and reading subconsciously and consciously trying to find ways to manipulate him into behaving and adoring me again. As I would read, I would say to myself. Ok sick of it you know whats wrong so how can you fix it. So I would go for another round of banging my head against the wall. He's broken I cant superglue him back to together. He is in so many tiny pieces I wouldnt even be able to make a mosaic out of him.
Dec 6 - 4AM (Reply to #65)
jen79
jen79's picture

TNR1

I wanted to say thank you, your posts have helped me alot. You are right, its about facing him and cleaning it up while watching at him till I dont feel this pain trigger anymore. Since I cannot avoid to think of him anyway, I have to do that if I want my serenity back.
Dec 7 - 7AM (Reply to #66)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Just allow yourself to be where you are....

I am glad I was able to be of help. Believe me, my posts were as much for myself as they were for you because I am still extremely vunerable myself. Every day is a choice of NC and so far, I'm doing ok. But just like you, I have found myself dreaming of Mr. N and that simply indicates to me that I still have work to do in order to continue in my recovery. Looking at photos of him now are not nearly as triggering as they have been, but I still get that twinge of missing him. The most important thing we can all do is give ourselves the grace that the N in our lives did not. We can accept and love ourselves just where we are in this process. Big Hugs.
Dec 7 - 11AM (Reply to #67)
jen79
jen79's picture

TNR

Yesterday I cried my eyes out again till the point of getting major migraine. Its so hard that I have to go through it again and again. I thought I was out of it, then again back to square one. Its part of the process I know. But I start to get impatient. I want to be myself again, NOW. The hardest part of it all is, I know what I really miss, is being happy and joyfull, passioned. And I know these were MY feelings, not his, still I cannot imagine yet to ever feel it again with someone else. Thats what makes me really sad.
Dec 4 - 5AM
jaycee
jaycee's picture

Oh, Jen

Oh Jen, you poor baby, how in the world could you ever think it was you.........he doesnt hate you, he hates himself, you are not a looser, he is a looser. he is the psycho who needs a woman he can mind fuck and control, you were obviously to intelligent for him. they hate it when they know deep down a woman is too good for them, because they know what a looser they are. i have felt so down for so long and decided, guess what, he knows deep down he is a looser and i am way too good for him. it isnt you, trust when lisa says, its all about him....i pray you feel better soon.......please know you are too good to not love yourself, and pray God opens your eyes to the wonderful woman you are........xoxo Jaycee

Jaycee

Dec 4 - 8AM (Reply to #61)
jen79
jen79's picture

jaycee

I am happy your back, I see you are so much better, you sound better, karma has hit him finally!!!! Thank you jaycee, I know he only wanted to control me with that, as if he has nothing else to do. Jerk!
Dec 4 - 4AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jen79

Its a lot later I'm chiming in here...but if it makes you giggle... We say or we've learned that Narcs project - he called me bi-polar...well, we know he's a NARC and was just too lazy to research his dignosis - he's a NARC! but that isn't my point...my point is all about "projection" Narcs project don't they? Well, learning mine liked to play on the other side of the fence...just thinking that just maybe... If he called you the stabbing fanGIRL...he's projecting... It's him!...HA! You are a stabbing fangirl about as much as I'm bipolar...and I've been checked out - I ain't bipolar! Hugs....
Dec 4 - 8AM (Reply to #59)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Micheel and Jen here is a laugh to your conversation

they will say what ever they can get away with to "pull your chain", well think of them as the British toilet, the one with the chain and top tank, you pull on to flush the crap of words away , it works great!
Dec 4 - 5AM (Reply to #53)
jen79
jen79's picture

Michelle

thank you, I already thought of that too, do you think he is a crazy stabbing fangirl to ME? loool.
Dec 4 - 5AM (Reply to #54)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jen..

With these narcs...anything is possible...
Dec 4 - 5AM (Reply to #55)
jen79
jen79's picture

michelle

He also called me nutty and that I have hurt him very much...go figure!
Dec 4 - 5AM (Reply to #56)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jen

P-R-O-J-E-C-T-I-O-N Stop playing the tape! I know, I know, easier said than done... Months later, I'm still seething over being called bipolar!!! I could have taken being called a BITCH...but BIPOLAR!!!
Dec 4 - 8AM (Reply to #57)
jen79
jen79's picture

I have another one for you he called me

BORDERLINE BITCH. Exactly, he said I have borderline and I am crazy.
Dec 4 - 12PM (Reply to #58)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

so I guess

we have a diagnosis of him. He's Borderline and he knows it. Interesting. People just dont go around saying hey you borderline! Sounds like hes done a little research to me or he has been diagnosed. You might call someone a crazy bitch but not a Borderline. I had never even heard that term unitl now.
Nov 29 - 5PM
chickon2
chickon2's picture

jen79

everyone has chimed in with such great words.. I just want to kick his ass.. You do so good when you don't dream of him or have any contact. It's like you are a different person, and when something about the asshat comes up.. bam... you get hurt. I hate to see you hurt amiga...I really hate these jokers.. I am sorry you are feeling pain.. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY... and you will not allow him to make you crazy.. Do not give him any power mama...