NPD abuse and NLP deprogramming

The handle is Gus, but I’m a woman. Gus is just a nickname.

This is not the place for my story, but just to give a little context, two years ago I was “lured” by a long-time on-line gaming friend who turned out to be a serious NS predator, an occultist, and I believe a very gifted Neuro-Linguistic programmer. It’s a crazy story, but suffice it to say, a few months in to the romance my gut went crazy, things got crazy, and I broke away and had a nervous breakdown for a couple of years.

Having put the pieces of the whole thing together, I can now see what I was actually spared, and I would not dare to presume to fully understand what so many of you have suffered. However, having broken away in the midst of the “luring stage” without any solid “that bastard” memories to support me, I have had to focus almost exclusively on the mental deprogramming, so I thought I’d share some of what I’ve learned in case it helps others.

First, Lisa is right. We all need to take personal responsibility, forgive ourselves, and move on. So I don’t mean to undermine the fact that we are free agents. That being said, we have to be able to distinguish between our free-agency and our brain chemistry. We are all hard-wired to desire to love and be loved. The “luring” or “love-bombing” of the NS plays into that chemistry. The mind games at the start are designed to trigger certain chemical reactions, and they are so intense that they can actually form a chemical addiction on top of the personal relationship. Do you ever notice how sometimes, when you have those feelings of longing to return, you aren’t really missing the human person, you are sort of just missing a “fix” that you used to get? I know that I have felt that way. (If you are interested in research, Google: Dopamine and Gaming Addictions. It’s fascinating.) So how do you free yourself of an addiction to a drug that your own body is capable of producing and that is so intimately tied to your emotions as well? Here are some things that have worked for me:

1. Demythologize the longing

In the middle of the day, out of nowhere it hits you, the deep intense longing for Mr. Narco. This is not because you miss him. This is not because he was made for you. It is not because you share some bond and he is somewhere thinking about you too. It is not because his spirit will haunt you to your grave. It is just your brain going, “Remember how awesome that felt? I want to feel like that again!” First you must acknowledge that yes, it felt awesome, we are made to love and love feels good, so there is nothing weird about it; but sorry brain, you can’t have it right now. Then go do something else you enjoy. Without denying any of your own free-agency, keep in mind that you are also fighting your brain’s chemistry. A lot of it is physical.

2. Allow the memories but remove their power

You walk into a hardware store. “Oh, me and Mr. Narco-path went to the hardware store that one time.” You try to block the memory but have a panic attack instead. Try the counter-intuitive approach instead. Don’t try to block the memory. That neuron has fired. The more you try to block it, the more it will desire to fulfill its purpose. Just let it go its merry way and ignore it. Have absolutely no reaction to it and go buy that drill bit you needed. In time your brain will go, “Oh, okay, I guess that doesn’t really matter anymore,” and it will stop reminding you.

3. Develop mantras in response to specific thought patterns.

This might sound weird, but it totally helps. Over time, I developed these long, self-reflective and exhausting thought processes. I would start to self-doubt on some point or another (as I was so expertly trained to do) and it would restart the circular thinking of the early departure stage. It was too exhausting to combat them with logic, so I started naming them and just telling them to piss off. Goofy, mocking names work best, like, “the monkey brain,” or “the ding-bat riddle.” One of them I just called “Bob.” The wheels would start turning and I’d say, “Piss off, Bob. I am not going down that road with you.”

4. Your emotions are your own

This might not be relevant to all NPD victims. There were some rather bizarre elements in my own experience. But just in case: when you feel good, when you feel bad, when you feel anxious, when you feel scared, when you feel anything at all – IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. Your brain has been well-trained, through push-and-pull, through gas-lighting, through a million other very sophisticated techniques, that your very center exists only in response to Narco-boy. It doesn’t. Your feelings are yours. Your struggles are yours. Most importantly, your victories are YOURS. They all pertain to you as a unique individual. Thinking this way will not make you self-centered or incapable of making the sacrifice that authentic love requires. It will actually make you BETTER at it, because you can only give to another what you are in possession of yourself.

5. Pray

However you talk to God, in whatever capacity you are still able to talk to God, do it! Ask God to help you. No matter how isolated or abandoned you may feel in your interior, God is still there loving you. Believe it and trust!

Path-Forward, baby. Live the dream. =)