Nothing There

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#1 Nov 15 - 7AM
Dema
Dema's picture

Nothing There

I am in my fourth month of no contact - he showed up at church a few times and there was the divorce hearing - but basically no contact. His lying for no reason in court was disturbing. But apparently he has moved on socially. I contacted our dance club leaders and he is attending with someone - so I won't for the foreseeable future.

Over the last week, I have realized that there was nothing there. Like, there was no relationship. Like he was a phantom or an evil hologram or something. It is like he is some sort of computer program to disturb for no reason. To stir up and mess up and throw in a few nice nice's - that aren't. At best they were usually left handed. I saw him with flowers in his hand once and he saw me see him and threw them in the trunk of his car. Brought them in three days later. (At least they were for me.)

Presents were left on the table or handed over and he left the room before I could open them.

The marriage was so free of connections other than sexual ones that - well, the only thing to miss is the sex.

And it is so strange to realize that his only positive function was as a D---O. And he made me pay for the batteries. lol.

I read yesterday - "WHat God has joined together..."

But if God didn't join it.....

This thing had nothing to join. There was no melding - no connection. If I got close, he left the room. It was 18 years of intimacy evasion. It was a sham, a nothing.

There was nothing there. Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing... nothing in terms of joining or intimacy - other than sexual intimacy. And he did thing there - like going too fast so that every single friggin time I had to tell him to slow down three times. In foreplay. Avoiding intimacy. Avoiding acting like he actually knew the woman he was with.

Why are there so many levels of shock?

Nov 19 - 7AM
drcrnp
drcrnp's picture

Nothing there - the aha moment

In the early days after the N left me and moved in with NS, I cried for hours & hours and vented endlessly to my (patient) sister. She was wise enough to mostly just listen. One day as I went on and on, the idea just came to me and rose to my lips: "It was all in my imagination." There was a shell, a body, but everything that I ascribed to that body - understanding, empathy, passion, support, devotion, steadfastness and holy crap - honesty - every one of those things was a figment of my over-eager imagination. My eyes refused to see the monster of selfishness, manipulativeness and apathy that actually inhabited that body. It took months for me to really absorb the meaning of my epiphany. Now even I stop and think, "How could I have been so out of touch with reality?" Thankfully, I have let go of the self-reproach, the "How stupid could I be?" thinking. As my dad always told me, that's why they put erasers on pencils. Thank G-d I am alive and healthy and can move forward and never go back to the lonely, miserable place, where I too was truly making do with....nothing.
Nov 19 - 2AM
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Hi Dema

As soon as I felt that we were getting close and moving forward - WHAM - back at stage one again. I have come to realise that we only really connected when there was nobody else in the background and as soon as he had sourced NS the disintegration/devaluing would start again. So only ever constantly one step forward, two steps back - never building a stable future together as normal relationships evolve. Which was exactly how he liked it - ultimately no commitment/responsibility to anyone else but himself. I've been out for 7 months now but a couple of months ago it finally hit me, like a truck, that he had never loved me, never loved any of the past NS and would never love any of the future NS. He hates himself so much that he cannot love anybody or anything in his life. We are all just objects that he sucks dry of goodness to help him survive. A true emotional vampire. These reality moments are all the after shocks of being in a relationship with the zombies - the walking dead. Dee x
Nov 19 - 7AM (Reply to #22)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

UK lady

I call them robots in the guise of a human being.Mine hated himself and once i heard him say to himself out loud in the kitchen'stupid, dumb, rotten ....;, it was so sad and i did not know what was going on, i knew nothing about NPD and where his horrible self loathing came from, I do think i said it is just a mistake or accident..........he was cutting up some veggie.
Nov 19 - 1AM
faith_
faith_'s picture

Dema, I would feel so lonely

Dema, I would feel so lonely in his presence. Last year when NC, I remember thinking (between his on and off hoovering) and hurting...coming to the realization that I never really HAD him. It was so strange (like here he was leaving long almost crying voice mails), and *I* knew how much I felt. He would call after every D &D and I was the 'primary' person, yet I never had him. Like what was this 'Everything' we had? And it wasn't for lack of trying or racking my brain on my part. Now, I'm thinking, what Was there to have (except for all the things I wanted, that were obviously not possible for me to have with him)?
Nov 19 - 6AM (Reply to #19)
Dema
Dema's picture

So True

Like kittens chasing a laser flashlight image. Jump on it - but it is just an image.
Nov 19 - 3PM (Reply to #20)
faith_
faith_'s picture

That is such a good analogy.

That is such a good analogy. After every D&D I've felt in darkness (not that I didn't many times when 'with' him, but esp. when either he or I left)...So it's like he would shine a light in that darkness, hope, an answer, a way out...and I would believe in it, as it would take me out of the darkness and give me a way out (like I was in a corner by myself, feeling horrible inside). But it was sick of him to do that, knowing what he was doing, as well as me thinking it was anything genuine. Scary that such an illusion/image can have so much power. like someone had told me, he is very dangerous to your self-esteem. So the thing is to know that he really was shining that fake 'light,' hope, etc., and that the flashlight reflection Was there, but that it in itself, was a lie meant to deceive. To keep the game going for as long as he wanted it to.
Nov 18 - 9PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Dema

So true Mine would create drama out of no where just to keep you unaware that there was nothing of substance going on. Every time we were together I swear he had pre-planned some theme. Fake suicide notes, triangulation gas lighting, just a bunch of nonsense to confuse. They are nothing w/o the games they play.
Nov 18 - 8PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Touching the Void

It's a wrenching experience. Traumatizing. I remember during the final D&D when the ex-Psych prof was lecturing me (publicly), he once asked me, exasperated, "Why do you like me?" I gave a list of positive qualities (kindness, patience,etc) and his response was that I was projecting my good qualities onto him because of my own lack of self-esteem. I was shocked. Beyond shocked. (Later he called himself a "nice guy",by then I didn't believe him) Romantic rejection is one thing-it was a disappointment I had handled before in high school. Like a minor paper cut. Something that heals quickly (tho annoying) With the ex-P's D&D, it felt like whiplash, major bruising and bleeding. I was so shocked I was numb. Because sometimes pain is that deep. I burnt my hand at work a couple of years ago, and it was similar. The pain is so powerful, that in an odd way, I felt nothing. He'd lecture me about how he wasn't worth my tears and suffering... I was more shocked than anything else. I don't ever remember the ex-P having beliefs, opinions, ideas of HIS own. He was always quoting or mimicking someone else. At least the Narc Leo Tolstoy, whom he idolized, was a creative genius. I came to the relationship with what *I* contributed- my feelings, beliefs, opinions. He came with NOTHING. It's a painful experience.
Nov 19 - 6AM (Reply to #15)
Dema
Dema's picture

That Prof

is so strange - like a Batman character. ANalyzing himself and understanding himself and sardonically accepting it. So strange.
Nov 19 - 7AM (Reply to #16)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

A friend's prediction

During the final D&D, one of my friends predicted that I'd see the ex-P as a "cartoon character." At the time, I was in pain. It was difficult to see humor in my situation, at the time. The PUBLIC nature of the final D&D was surreal... because Ns/Ps tend to want to be seen as "the good guys",at least by strangers (but are monsters behind closed doors) There was a sense of unreality about him. Towards the end, I felt like I was interacting with him as a persona, rather than a person. I was connected with reality, my feelings and beliefs--and he was disconnected from everything. Part of us reaching understanding/closure is realizing how Ns/Ps project their negativity onto us. That's why we'll get accused of things we didn't do. And the more paranoid ones cook up elaborate conspiracies. But when an N/P accuses us of projecting our positivity&love, our ability to see goodness in others... it is surreal. The ex-P was strange. Not in a good way.
Nov 15 - 4PM
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

Nothing There

This is so true. There is nothing there. Nothing there... nothing lasting... no connection... nothing fulfilling. Nothing of substance... nothing of quality... nothing that is noble or heroic or good or kind... or REAL or GENUINE or SINCERE. BUT, they PRETENDED TO BE all of THOSE THINGS - and that's where the deceit and the conning and the manipulations and the double standards come in. Those were the weapons that they used to try to make us think they were something they are not. They weren't anything. We are still ourselves, wounded but walking. We will recover. We will be even better than we were because we have survived a horrific relationship, no, an ENCOUNTER, with a disordered individual. We have touched a darkness, a void - and, through recovery which involves SELF-LOVE we will crawl back up to be among the living again. But, this time we are no mere mortals. We appreciate things we used to take for granted - honesty, kindness, thoughtfulness, generosity, respect. All the things that are important between humans. All the things that really matter.
Nov 15 - 9AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Dema

I am 3 years out from the narc and only few weeks ago ran into him by accident and there was nothing but a blank look on his face and he would not talk to me for a few mins, ,when I said he dumped me, he shot back you dumped me and that he saw my posting on the internet to meet new men friends, and then took off like a scared 2 year old toddler, this fro ma man in his 60's , so sad there is nothing to them, literally..that is why it takes so long to recover from an illusion of a person, we thought they were real.
Nov 15 - 9AM
Sea
Sea's picture

Empty

I am about 4 months nc as well. The whole 3 years fogether seems to have evaporated without a trace. He didnt exist. Nothing feels real even. Like an illusion.
Nov 15 - 8AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Dema, I think there are so many levels

because that's what it takes to really wake up. You keep looking for whatever it was that kept you/held you and you realize that--as you say--there is NOTHING there. You are so close to your big breakthrough. Waking up is HUGE! I applaud you. Being able to admit the truth of the hollowness that sucked us into the big black hole means you have awoken and will now welcome the light, the spirit, the good and truly fulfilling. This is an amazing post, Dema. I am sorry that it is painful for you to be shocked down to your core...I know this feeling...and believe it or not, it has served me well! At 12 plus months NC, the truth of it all almost makes me laugh! Truly. He is such a powerless, empty, sad little hollow creature who doesn't move me in the least except for some residual anger. He is so NOTHING. And realizing this has allowed me to fill my life with many SOMETHINGS. I am having more fun, adventure and even romance and TRUE INTIMACY than I ever, ever had in the six years of hell with the shadowy freak boy. It is my hope that all who land here realize these "shocks." That's when you are really on the doorstep of freedom and light. Dema, I am grateful that you shared this. Thank you for posting this, which has allowed me to deal with my own truths, too. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. JUST GRINNING AT ALL THE KNOWLEDGE I'VE GAINED!

spinning

Nov 15 - 8AM (Reply to #8)
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture

So so so true

...and I wonder, has anyone else experienced strange coincidences in their health. As in I noticed this in my divorce as well -- that when I finally started to move forward and recognize/deal with and move forward, I would RELEASE the toxins in my body either with sinus infections or in most cases diahreah. It was like a soul cleansing of sorts or a purging of old cell memories. The past few weeks I have also been having so much trouble with my ears -- clogging and popping. I don't know if that is ascending or being stuck in descending energies or if there are spirits around for support and the ear clogging is just my sensitivity to their presence. Can anyone else relate?
Nov 15 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
Dema
Dema's picture

Pray

I had trouble with my eyelids, my contacts... And I started praying to see. To have vision. And the problems went away. There were a series of issues, and I tried various things, and each time it was when I prayed to see, that the problem cleared up. Maybe you are coming up from deep under water.
Nov 15 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture

:)

Funny you should say that -- I had to go up a prescription level on the reading glasses too! Coming up from deep under water. I like that analogy. I do notice that I can breathe a little better after each clearing and my head is not as clouded. Thank you Dema!
Nov 15 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
Dema
Dema's picture

Thank you

I wonder how many of these little nasty packages inside of me I have yet to open. Kindof like a hideous halloween tree with nasty icky boxes under it. And they all have to be opened, examined, and finally can be thrown into the fire. But ick.
Nov 15 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture

Open and Discard

Dema, I'm thinking though they have been trapped inside you. So in a way it's a gift..you can open and finally get rid of them forever so you don't ever have to have them holding us back or steering us in the wrong direction again. This experience has made me see so clearly (although I don't appreciate the horror of it) how the men I've been involved with in the past were all of the same ilk, just not as hideous and I always wondered why it didn't work out. I sure know now..... Burn away, burn away, burn away.... I am thinking of taking yoga classes; I have a feeling that will release a lot more of the negative energy and get the positive energy flowing through my body and life. It won't be able to hide and get stuck....
Nov 15 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
spinning
spinning's picture

Reclaiming and Dema, this is the beautiful

truth of this experience. Yes, Dema, those horrible boxes are there and in my case had been there for a while. I had to open them if I was going to survive. Reclaiming, I had the exact same experience and the exact same feeling...I could have lived without this "lesson," but now find it was necessary to finally, finally deal with the things that had been buried. Reclaiming, I went back to Yoga and I encourage you to do it if you can. It helped me immensely. I was at about the four month NC mark and it helped so much I found myself going three times a week. I looked forward to it. I miss it right now because the schedule changed and it does not mesh well with my work schedule. However, today I woke up and told myself no matter what, I've got to get back into the yoga studio this week. Love and light to you awesome, awesome brave sisters in recovery. Thank you for this thread, Dema, for this dialogue and for the opportunity to share. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. AND IT FEELS GREAT!

spinning

Nov 15 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture

Beautiful!

Thank you! You have cemented my resolve -- yoga tonight it is! One moment at a time. And yesterday I made a HUGE step in the forward direction and while I felt a sense of peace and could breathe (validation it was the right thing), there were moments of sadness. I blocked every email address, and then blocked the text messaging and phone numbers, and then went one step further and blocked websites that I found myself suddenly visiting to "find" him -- like match. I want to get to that point where I have absolutely no desire, no feeling, no thought and no memory of "him" -- but just recall the gift of what I learned. I feel like I am a toddler learning to walk, a bit vulnerable but putting the bumpers around the end tables and so glad for all the support found here. Thank you!
Nov 15 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
into the light
into the light's picture

I literally lost my voice.

A few days after my last encounter with the empty one at the start of August, following which I went NC, I literally lost my voice. I could only croak - there was no power there. It wasn't until my friend (a psychiatric nurse)said - 'Think what that symbolises' that I really understood. And it took a good month then before my voice properly returned. In the last 3 weeks I've had virus after virus - and I normally shake these things off. I've heard that the trauma of the aftermath, when you are coping with CD and everything else - fighting to stay sane basically - can affect your immune system. So I tried hard last week to eat better, take my vitamins C and D, not drink so much ... I went to be tested for STDs 2 weeks ago and I'm worriedly waiting for the results ... That doesn't help. God, they fuck you over, don't they?
Nov 15 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture

Yes

They really do. But you can't let them win. Before I knew what he was but right after he devalued me and I was in a cobweb of confusion, I got tested too. Something wasn't adding up. He had kept trying to get me pregnant from the very start with these strange "accidents" and I couldn't figure out why. Kept telling me he hadn't been with anyone but his wife for 16 years. My gut was telling me it was wrong. I did have a pregnancy scare, but I was lucky on both fronts. I realized he wanted to nail me as a lifetime supply -- of course I romanticized it all in my head thinking he was insecure and thought if we had a baby I'd have to marry him. Yaaaaaaaaah. I know I shouldn't take any pleasure in it, but I just keep picturing what his reaction is going to be when he texts or calls me next and gets the message that he can't get through. I wish I could move out of state, but I have my children to think about and I can't let this impact their lives. We'll get through this. Just think, the more you release, the more clearing of old stuff will leave you too -- so it's not just his toxic garbage leaving you, it's residual stuff from past relationships too. You are going to come out in the end feeling like wonder woman. I think we should start scoping out some capes and hot looking boots to go with our new look. Maybe some gold bangles. ;)