Not You

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#1 Oct 28 - 9AM
impuzzled's picture

Not You

Dear Ed,

I came to the conclusion that growing old with you would have been as hard or harder than our relationship had been. After I realized that you might have a narcissistic personality disorder, my first thought was that I needed to find out more about it. I thought if I could help you and we could figure out a way for you to get better, everything would be okay. Why?....because you loved me. I did but I wasn't thrilled with what I found out. I couldn't believe that the man I met 11 years ago was not real. You were just an illusion.

You met me and knew by instinct that I was going to be an easy target. You questioned me and latched onto me saying words I hadn't heard in a long time which made me feel wonderfully alive. You called me your "Queen" and you treated me like a queen. You made promises that we would be together forever. You wanted to marry me. Why?....because you loved me.

The only problem was that four months down the road I was expecting our love to grow. Instead, you started to show signs of being self-centered, being argumentative, lying, and making degrading comments. I tried to rationalize your behavior in my mind and thought about ending the relationship, but then you would do something that would spark my interest again. You loved taking me out and we had so much fun. The restaurants we dined at were places I never dreamed of going to and you enjoyed watching me as much as I enjoyed being there with you. It was a match made in heaven at the time.

As time went on there were indications that you weren't interested in any of my ideas and we always ended up doing what you wanted to do. I never complained but wasn't too happy when you had me out until 3 a.m. in the morning when I had to go to work the next day. You also never would go home until the last bar closed and you dragged me to those as well, always assuming I was having a good time while you ignored me and talked to everyone else. Dining with you was a treat too. If someone asked me to describe your back, I could do that in a heartbeat because it was always turned to me as you once again talked to everyone but me. I tolerated your behavior but after the first few times it happened, I brought it up on the way home one time and you became enraged. I couldn't understand how any normal man would think that was appropriate behavior. But now I know I wasn't dealing with any normal man.

There were times when you needed me, but that was only because you wanted something from me. There was a time when I won the jackpot at the one casino we went to, and although I didn't have a job at the time, you made sure you got your cut. You treated your friends, or should I say acquaintances like they were your long lost friends and me....not so good. I still didn't complain because I didn't want to lose you. I thought we had built some type of trust since we had been dating exclusively for many years.

There were times when I began having some real problems because of my divorce and maintaining the household. I worked full time and was taking care of my son, who was young at the time. You knew that drinking was becoming a problem for me and yet, you still continued to frequent bars with me and when I didn't want another drink, you'd always say, "Give her one more." Looking back, all the care and concern you showed me led me down a path of destruction. Our life revolved around eating, drinking and sex. As soon as I got in trouble with drinking and driving, you were quick to make your exit. I actually was relieved because at that point I didn't want to be around you anymore. I thought since I didn't see you for a while that it was finally over and I could start anew, but then you knocked on my door.

Needless to say, you slowly entered my life again. However, this time I was starting to regain my self-esteem and I was beginning to see why my life had taken a twist in the wrong direction. I couldn't complain because you kept telling me it was all my fault. You had nothing to do with it. You tried to brainwash me into thinking that I had the problems and not you. I believed you for a little while until I realized that after I had stopped drinking, you somehow didn't find that attractive anymore. No more drunk sex, no more frequenting bars; life was different now.

As time went on, I told you that you could do whatever you wanted and that I was fine with it. And I was. I started to question your motives for making me think everything was my problem when you were guzzling two drinks in about a half hour or less, how you would become loud and obnoxious after you had a few that the hostess in the restaurant we were at had to tell you to keep it down, and how you picked fights with me so you could set me up so I'd ask you to drop me off early. What other plans did you make earlier to have everything planned so well?

After a while I started to notice little things. The bartender calling me by your ex-girlfriend's name, the arguing increased along with the silent treatment, always looking at other women, taking an interest in everyone but me, and I could go on and on.

We made it through 11 years of having it your way. I gave you all I could to try to make your life easier. and I never withheld sex from you, and there's so much more. Although you never really helped me much, I was the first one there to help you when you needed me. You called me first when terrible things happened and I really don't know why to this day when we hadn't talked for almost three weeks. But...I was always there for you.

I wanted to leave so many times. I really did. I hung in just a little longer to see if it would work itself out. But then there were more signs. Signs of cheating, aches and pains to avoid having sex, degrading comments, more arguments; and it was all my fault.

After our last argument, I called you a narcissist not even knowing for sure. You became enraged and told me to leave. You knew me like a book. Just get her mad and she'll leave. She did it like clockwork. What I didn't know was that you already found your next victim and was happy to see me go.

The very last time I came to stay with you, we had a nice time and you were so well-behaved. I noticed though that you didn't want to go out to eat, which was really strange because you never liked to eat at home unless you had to. I obliged but I was suspicious. We started to watch a movie and I asked you a question from a quiz I had brought along about fantasizing. You projected the question onto me saying I fantasized. Then I said I wanted to ask you one more question and I wanted an honest answer. I asked you if you ever cheated on me. You stood up, became so enraged, started calling me names, asked me to get my things and get out of the house, and that you never wanted to see me again. I started crying but you showed no emotion. I sat for a while wondering what just happened and then I knew. He just discarded me. Phase 3. Just like the article said. I was validated. You had NPD and I was never coming back.

You calmly went upstairs and laid on the bed watching TV. As soon as I walked in the room, you started calling me nasty names, comparing me to your ex-girlfriend and how she had voluptuous breast and I didn't, how boring I was in bed, that you never wanted to see me again, and to get out. Why....because you loved me!

impuzzled but relieved

Oct 28 - 10AM
Hunter's picture

Accepting it ..

Oct 28 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
impuzzled's picture

Thanks Hunter