Not in good shape here ;-(

18 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 16 - 7PM

naivenomore

Not in good shape here ;-(

I've been in very rough shape from last night onwards and all of the people whom I usually call aren't home to talk to. I cannot help obsessing here about missing being on the boat with the N, even when I'm walking, gardening, writing, eating, ..... It's driving me to the wall here! I feel like I'm regressing big time! The thoughts are like: if only I hadn't bought a house, he wouldn't have felt insecure; if only I had played along with the sexual stuff, we'd still be together; if only I'd been more tolerant of his canceling our plans for his children....
I've even called him, but no answer and that's driven me even more nuts and obsessed here! Of course, I picture him having so much fun right now and laughing and here I am a walking pity-party! I have a couple of things to do tomorrow at my church and with the theatre that I volunteer at in the evening, but I find myself even missing really mundane things like watching him read the news on his laptop! WTF?

#2 Jul 17 - 6AM

awayfromhim

The "if onlys", in my case,

The "if onlys", in my case, come from his conditioning to have me blame myself for his behaviors. He was one who would say, after a nasty event of some sort, "well, I'm sorry butâ€¦." after he had abused me. He faux apologized and then followed with a statement that had me continuously, for years, thinkingâ€¦ if only. He was sorry but if only I had not said this, done that, etc. Get it? The if onlys come from blaming yourself for the difficulties in the relationship. Being human, I want to be able to take accountability for what my part was in the demise of the relationship. I don't want to repeat something so I need to see where I went wrong. I've struggled with this. However, with an N, there is NOTHING you, nor I, could have done to make the relationship work. Nothing. As for the boat, the N has one too. We went out on it most nice weekends during the summer. This being my first summer away from him I was focused on how he was having a great time with the GF, etc. Yes, they are out on that boat in N honeymoon bliss, getting sun, having cocktails and then having awesome sex when they get back to the house. Right. Bottom line for me was that I was missing what I imagined she had. She had the caring, kind guy I imagined he was being with her because that's how he was with me. At first. I was missing a lie. Truth is, I have no idea what's going on on the boat. I had to think hard to recall the times I had on it because whatever he is doing now has nothing to do with me. They were not happy, joyous and carefree. It was not two people going out on the beautiful lake to enjoy each other's company and talk, laugh, etc. If I blame myself, tell myself I was the cause, I made him the way he was, then I'm simply lying to myself. The TRUTH is the N was a narcissist before I, or you, met him.

#3 Jul 16 - 11PM

naivenomore

A Great Big Canadian Thank-You!

I am crying here as I type this, but not because of the N, more because I am SO touched at all of your responses to my plight! Thank you all so very much. I just got in as I couldn't take it anymore and went to our emergency where after waiting for 4 hours they put me on a wait list to see a psych. some time in August (just great, eh?). The Dr. also told me to get in touch with my family Dr. (she's about an hour's drive away and won't be available until next week) and maybe a massage would help! I was less than impressed, to say the least. So, having all of your good advice and wisdom is going to help me sleep tonight, I'm certain! I've tried to couple with the idea of missing the boat, instead of him, but I honestly still feel like it's him, I'm missing. I hate to admit that, but it's the truth. I do agree though that he's searching for something that he'll never find. I know you're all right when you say they're probably not missing anything, but it's still so difficult for me to comprehend the meaning so much to someone and then nothing. Although he does keep e-mailing me saying that he can never be the one for me 'cause he's been broken down too much (geeesh, gotta' love that one!)but he feels we could be "heart-to-heart friends" at some point. It kills me when he says he thinks I'm still romantically involved with him ('cause he's probably right on this one) and he's not there anymore in that way! Why is his reality so different from mine? He honestly thinks he did all the compromising and then just got to the end of his rope and gave up. I really liked the idea of it being better when the boat is pulled in the winter as yes, the summer, while I'm lucky to have it off as a teacher, is really killing me here.

#4 Jul 16 - 9PM

Happy1

chickadee999

I know what you mean by missing the boat. I miss the boat too. Oh! wait a minute! We didn't say we missed the N's but the boats! I don't miss the N tonight but I do wish I was on the boat enjoying a glass of wine minus him. He's not worth the pain, silent treatment and rage he inflicts. You don't miss the N... You don't miss his abuse.. He's not having fun. I just picture them miserable all the time and always searching for something and never finding it. They're lost and will never be found. I hope your night is going better.

#5 Jul 19 - 1AM (Reply to #12)

rainbow1

We had a boat together too!

We had a boat together too! Weird! I miss the boat soooo much. He is out on a boat right now!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#6 Jul 19 - 12PM (Reply to #15)

ewa

Mine doesn't have a boat but

Mine doesn't have a boat but is on holidays at the same place he was with me..

#7 Jul 19 - 3AM (Reply to #13)

Happy1

Maybe we should all just

Maybe we should all just chip in and buy a boat together. 8-)

#8 Jul 19 - 11AM (Reply to #14)

rainbow1

Thats a great idea! haha

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#9 Jul 16 - 7PM

Amy

ugh....

Been there. The "If only's" are hard to deal with. Think of it as "if only I was willing to be used and abused, have my soul drained, and be discarded every time he was done with me... THEN he would be right here!" Doesn't sound so fun...

#10 Jul 16 - 11PM (Reply to #9)

MsVulcan500

If only's

You know, we think of all of these "if only . . . " but are the N's thinking "if only . . . " No! They're not thinking if only I had told the truth, if only I had not called her names, if only I had not cheated . . . " They're not thinking that at all! What it comes down to is we were always the ones willing to compromise. And compromise in a normal relationship is a good thing, because it means both people are giving in for the good of the relationship. But with these N's we gave and gave and gave, and they took and took and took. The time has to come when we say "What about me? I matter too! What I want is important too!" When my N first left I thought of the things I missed. And like you and the boat, I missed his big-ass TV with booming surround sound. I missed that he had a pool. I realized that the things I missed were just that. Things. They weren't about him, I didn't miss him. I missed his things. And no, gutter minds, not that thing. LOL It will probably be hard this summer thinking of the boat and imagining all of the fun he is having on it and feeling that you are missing out. But I bet you will find that when that boat is put away for the winter (I hope you're not in FL or somewhere you use the boat all year round) that you will not think about him as much. Then next summer it will be easier because you will have started filling those voids of free time doing new exciting things in your new exciting N free life!

#11 Jul 17 - 12AM (Reply to #10)

If only..chickadee

I thought, "If only he was successful in business he'd be happy & not find fault with me." How goofy is that? I have found that I can embrace my life & it is so full! I still maintain my yoga practice...excel more at my job now... and get invited to so many fun events. He thinks I'm still bitter over the divorce...but I have found friends that kept away from me because of him. N's DRAIN you. And we are loving souls. Focus on you. Who cares about a boat. If you love boating, find a group that does that & join.

#12 Jul 16 - 8PM (Reply to #8)

Lisa E. Scott

chickadee

Good point, Amy! Think of it as "if only I was willing to be used and abused, have my soul drained, and be discarded every time he was done with me... THEN he would be right here!" You did nothing wrong, Chickadee! You are only doubting yourself because he brainwashed you to second guess yourself. Remember what Amy said. This is the only "what if" that is relevant right now: "If only I was willing to be used and abused, have my soul drained, and be discarded every time he was done with me... THEN he would be right here!"

#13 Jul 16 - 7PM

Lisa E. Scott

chickadee

Oh, I'm so sorry you're struggling today. Weekends are hard, I know. Hey, anyone in the chat room? I'll go in now and see. I have to leave soon to go to a fundraiser tonight, but perhaps chatting might help you. I'll be in there if you want to talk. We're here for you. xoxo

#14 Jul 16 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

hopefuljms

How do you access the chat

How do you access the chat room??

#15 Jul 16 - 8PM (Reply to #3)

Lisa E. Scott

Hopefuljms

I'll send you an e-mail with the link and password now!

#16 Jul 16 - 9PM (Reply to #4)

almostlydia

i'd like to know that too.

i'd like to know that too. I have no idea.

almostlydia

#17 Jul 16 - 11PM (Reply to #5)

Karla

chat room?

I didn't know there was a chat room. How do we access it?

#18 Jul 16 - 11PM (Reply to #6)

happydaysahead

Chat room

If anyone needs info on the chat room, send me an email at [email protected] and I will send you the link and the password. :)

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