not gonna contact him, but im not sure what im gonna do if he contacts me...

so its been 2months NC.. he strarted the silient treatment on me once again so im going NC on him..although sometimes i do get to thinkin like wondering what would happen if i contacted him or just wanting to see what his response would be..or just getting so upset that i want to curse him out so bad but i its just thoughts..i have to be honest if he does try to contact me which im not sure he will idk why i think its diff this time but i do..but i said this the last time.. it just feels over and for the first time i want to actually put effort into maybe letting it go this time..giving myself a chance to actually be happy..and not disrespected and verbally and physically abused..maybe just maybe i can gain power back after 4yrs im so drained..i used to be a very strong person before this..but the one thing im scared of is him cntacting me and me not having enough will power to ignore it.. what does that mean? does that mean deep down im not ready for it to be over and the only reason why im not calling him is because hes not calling me??