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a normal date...

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#1 Dec 31 - 6PM
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

a normal date...

Hello,

Tonight I went out on a very nice, normal, fun date after five years of hell with a narc with whom I have cut off all contact, including changing my phone numbers.

It was so strange...not to be unduly placed on a pedestal or conversely devalued, not to be called a c*nt or other awful names....just nice conversation and dinner.

I will not get into a relationship for quite a while, but I do think it is important for those of us who have been traumatized to force ourselves to get outside and realize that there is a whole world out there that does not involve our abuser.

I am letting men court me, and I may or may not someday make a decision, based on real evidence, that I choose to let a man into my life as a partner. He's gonna have to be really fucking special though.

Happy New Year ladies...

xoxox

Jul 19 - 10PM
Allie
Allie's picture

I'm glad this got bumped up :))

You sound like a real smart cookie BlueMoon! Relationships with Non N's seem so different, don't they? One thing I found is that you CAN have intense moments with Non N's and that they feel even better. When a man you know isn't a narc looks into your eyes and tells you he loves you...and you know he means it...that is SOME intensity :) There is nothing sexier than a man who is telling you the truth, lol! I think its awesome that you are letting yourself be courted, smart, classy lady! :)

http://bink-think.livejournal.com

Jul 19 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Allie

Sooooo true!!! "When a man you know isn't a narc looks into your eyes and tells you he loves you...and you know he means it...that is SOME intensity :) There is nothing sexier than a man who is telling you the truth, lol! "
Jul 19 - 10PM
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

thank you...

thank you so much!
Jan 1 - 9AM
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

ahahahaha!!

OK, so this dating thing is actually very helpful!! It gives great red flag practice! This guy just texts me and says that he is fucked up and is not ready for a relationship! After being into me last night! Now...since I am slow and steady and taking my time to find out about a person, this is just fine with me! Growing pains, but all important...
Jan 1 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Translation Of His Message

The translation of his message would be this: "I went out with you to see if I could get laid. I do not want a relationship with you. So leave me alone." How awesome for you! This loser actaully revealed he just wanted sex, and nothing more - and he did so very early in the game. Awesome for you, no more wasted time with this jerk. You don't want anywhere near this dude again, this much is very obvious. If you were to go out with him again say, a month from now, you might date a while, only to have him suddenly say this shit to you again, after you have developed real feelings for him. NO THANKS. What will probably happen next if you don't respond to him: He waits a few days to a few weeks, maybe even a month, then texts you back that he would like to go out again with you (to try to get laid again). No thank you. This mixed up douchbag will have to be somebody else's bad news - don't touch that HOT MESS with a 10-foot pole lady! Move on to the next frog. The Prince is somewhere out there, just a matter of time, so be patient and keep your wits about you. And laugh your ass off at the HOT MESS LOSERS along the way! Hang in there.
Jan 1 - 8AM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

Good for you. You might want

Good for you. You might want to check out the Minnesota Personality Test. It has a longer name than that but that is sufficient to check the internet. I think that test might expose personality disordered people. You could carry copies in your purse! It is so great that you got away, that you are re-building your life and totally great that you aren't running into the next 'burning building'. You will find the right guy. According to the Surgeon General there are only 12.6 personality disordered people in the US so there are some ok people out there. How wonderful for you to inspire other posters on the message board that there is life after a narc.
Dec 31 - 8PM
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Congratulations On Your Enjoyable Date

Congratulations on your enjoyable date, good for you! I have a friend who is a widow who this year began dating again, 3 years after her husband's death (they were together 23 years, he was the only man she was ever with. And, he was a real turd by the way, not a good guy). So as to not end up with another loser like him, she took the whole dating thing very very slow, dated many frogs (1 date per frog, about 8 frogs total, and most were not even kissed, and definitely none got further than that) - and finally she has met her Prince. The thing I found most interesting (we are both in our 40's by the way) is that she did not become intimate with her Prince for about 3 months. Yes, 3 MONTHS! I think that was the secret to her success. He was more than willing to take it slow with her, its been about 8 months of dating for them now, and she got to know him slowly which seems to have made all the difference in discovering what his true colors were. I dont think the Narcs out there would have waited around that long, they are so impatient, even in the charming stage, they just overload the charm until they get what they want, rather than patiently waiting and respecting someone's boundaries. Good luck to you on your dating!
Jan 1 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
4joys4
4joys4's picture

Just a warning, but if you

Just a warning, but if you date even without intention to get involved, you could get involved. I mean, I've learned that people can manipulate your plans. Especially these types. I wouldnt recommend dating at all until you are 18months out. And you have worked hard on your stuff in therapy or group. It just feels to me that you are playing with fire here. Honest opinion you didnt ask for..lol Our job right now is to heal without thinking it involves another man or other people. Spend time alone and get strong.
Jan 1 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

I can see both sides...

Hi Ladies! Thanks for your comments, and I appreciate them very much! I do understand what you are saying... I am of a few different minds here: 1. I feel like isolating myself further, even in reaction to the end of my abuse, is keeping me inside my head too much...(and giving him more de facto power over my life). 2. Part of my healing is to test my new skills at finding out what is normal and what is pathological, slow and steady... 3. I am really enjoying making all decisions on my own, and even being on my own, for the first time...and this includes the when, why, where, who, etc. My therapist at the DV center always imparts to me...What do YOU want...? Because for so long I have not thought of what that meant. 4. It is surprising to me to have not just men, but people in general, come out of the woodwork and want to be my friend...people who don't think I am a cunt, or stupid, or have no common sense, or need to brush my hair... 5. Dating/friendships and making MY choices rather than having them made for me by some guy who puts on the pressure is SCARY,but kinda cool. I'm nervous a bit. I was in awe of how strange it felt to be myself and fuck him if he doesn't like it. (my sister's advice). It's so hard to know what to do- it all feels good and strange at the same time.
Jan 1 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

A Few More Tips

After reading your reply I thought I would add this info. My friend who recently did the dating thing noticed several guys came on to her really hot and heavy on the first date with way too many ridiculous flattering compliments rolling way too easily off their tongues(seeming insincere/fake like a player) and wanting to touch her hair etc right way (inappropriate, invading her space after having known her for 1 hour of time) (those were probably the Narcs) and she didnt go out with them again since such big obvious red flags. They gave her a 'weird / something is not quite right here' gut feeling / vibe, even though she knew nothing of Narcissism or Personality Disorders, I am sure. She even got hassled via email by one who she wouldnt date again, and he got really ugly really fast with all sorts of very personal fault finding with her, saying she was ugly and too heavy and a bitch, etc, (she's not any of that) after only having had 1 date with her, - this happened after she said no to his wanting a 2nd date (he was nice as could be up to that point in time, until she said no to the 2nd date idea, and his personality turned on a dime to nasty). So, upon rejection, he showed his true colors very quickly. Good thing they had met in a restaurant and he hadnt picked her up at her house, he never had her address ( she always drove herself, didnt get into a vehicle with any of them, that is dangerous I'm sure you know that). The other problem is once you are intimate with a guy (sex of any type) if they have a screw loose in their heads that's usually when the stalking starts if you try to break it off. I don't think stalking occurs as often if sex hadn't been involved, just a thought. And lastly, when I said she met her "Prince" - I am sure he has his faults like we all do, I haven't even met him, and there is no such thing as the perfect guy. I just know he holds a job, has a running car, pays the bills, is kind and considerate, treats her with respect, etc etc. That is what I mean by "Prince". And that alone is much better than her husband ever did for her! Thats why she thinks he is fabulous. She did say, however, that by the 3rd date he told her he had strong feelings for her, and wanted them to date exclusively (even though they were no where near being intimate yet). I mention this because, he wanted her to be off the market so he wouldnt have competition. I dont think she made any promises to him, although she didnt happen to be dating anyone else at the time. So my point is, I think many men get somewhat 'territorial' or 'possessive' pretty quickly. Be ready to deal with that phenomenon and stick to your guns. I dont think most men like the idea of casual dating for too long, they probably want it to be exclusive to them, and intimate, pretty quickly. BUT, she is PROOF that you CAN make a man wait until the proper friendship and foundation for a relationship is well underway (1 month of dating, minimum, 2 months - even better!). If they are a good guy they will wait. It will also show they are for real, and have patience and respect for your wishes(a big plus). Remember they can just go home and jack off after the date if they have blue balls syndrome! The hardest part in the whole deal might be restraining yourself! That was always the hardest part for me! (and why I never 'looked' before I would 'leap' into sex..... which never ended well and why I am here on this particular message board in the first place.) So that is what I learned from my friend's recent dating experience. Hope this helps! xoxox
Jan 1 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
time_to_move_on
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regarding waiting...

I lived with two women, one of whom met her partner in her late 20s/early 30s, other early 30s. They both waited 6 mths before having sex with their partners. At the time I thought "how strange", however one of them explained to me she'd had a really bad relationship before meeting her partner, and wanted to take it slow. Now both of these women are very sexual people, however they wanted to be sure. One of them has a great, very open relationship, other one has a few issues, but nothing major, and she is also very open in her communication with him when something comes up. When I lived with them, one of them also moved her partner into our shared house (we agreed), as a pre-cursor before moving in with him on her own (and they'd been together five years). He was happy to do this, she just didn't want to rush at all, and financially it made sense while she finished her doctorate. It sounds weird but when you saw them together they gelled perfectly. I think next time I get involved I'd like to wait a while, just to be sure I'm with the right person and vice versa.