Is this normal?

11 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 6 - 7AM

whatever2009

Is this normal?

Hey Guys.

Just a quick question, I seem to be up and down. Im the one who ended it as I couldnt take it anymore. It was starting to break me down. It was effecting me in my day to day.

Now that I have officially said..ITS OVER, sometimes I feel so relieved and excited to start over. Then in the same hour, I feel shitty and not sure if I did the right thing. Then I feel mad, and want to hurt him. But deep down I know this is the right thing to do.

I also fear of what he said to me..he said..."you will never have what we had with someone else...neither will I, we will never find that again".

Yes we had 90% or I had 90% CONFUSION AND OMG MOMENTS. But the 10% good for me seemed to be really good, which was 100% to him. (jackoff) anyway, Im scared that he could be right(I guess thats what he wants..right?) Im not looking for a new realtionship...but he made me nervous that I will never find it again...I mean the pathetic 10%. The jokes, the comfort, the affection...

But then I think Im only 32 with 2 beautiful children, so I have lots of time...

This is just me getting this off my chest, today Im full of hate, yesterday I was full of sadness, but Im going out with my kids today to enjoy the day and start my much needed recovery. Thanks for listening!

#2 Sep 7 - 7AM

whatever2009

So true!

Thanks guys. Its so sad how we have been waiting for more then 10% and they call us crazy for waiting, and mine insists he never had me waiting....that was all me. He told me who he was and NEVER mislead me.........OH SURE! Thats the tough part, I struggle daily with what he said vs what he meant. ASSHOLE! I do wanna forgive and never forget but I also want him to be a miserable old man and just be miserable forever....he deserves that. I have been sleeping TONS. I get through the day and accomplish somethings, but then Im SO TIRED I just sleep, not answer my phone...and then get up and get through another day. I have a great set of friends, some understand more then others. Some are just done with the conversation. Im trying not to talk about him with anyone and just push forward. He cannot consume me, as i refuse to lose myself anymore in his constant up and down life!!!!!!! Everyday is a new one, and Im glad you guys are here to listen. xoxoxoxox

#3 Sep 7 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

Scoop

Moods

OMG my moods are all over the place , its getting to the point where im amazing myself . One moment sobbing my eyes out and the next minute laughing like an idiot . When im driving i rant out loud like a mad woman and then its over i cry my eyes out again .I have taken to wearing sun glasses a lot as they hide all manor of the crazy emotions .I am though assured that this is all part of the process . I would be worried if i wasnt crying and ranting . Its how we heal , granted i didnt think i would still be doing it 11 weeks in but what the hell im quite use to it now , it has in fact become the norm . Then i have moments like this where i can laugh at myself and my situation and i pat myself on the back for being healthy . He on the other hand has none of these emotions and never will have as hard as this all is i shake my head at the sadness of his condition . He will never know what its like to rant in the car . Sometimes i come out with excellent rants and im mift no one cant hear them , i even thought of recording them for future entertainment vaulue . Peru x

#4 Sep 7 - 4PM (Reply to #10)

whatever2009

crazy-MAKING!

Peru! It makes you feel crazy huh!?! But in actual fact...its really healing. At least we are learning to get over it, while they are either tormenting a new victim or plotting some sort of "win back" scheme. We have each other...they have no one. That is sad. I cant wait to get over this and move along, I have so much I want to conquer! We need to come here for support and education!! We need to share and be thankful we understand each other. WE CAN DO THIS!!!

#5 Sep 6 - 10AM

Beachcolors

We deserve better than 10%

I think this is very normal....for all breakups. The good times is part of the trick. They make sure that there are just enough good times to give you hope. They design it that way so you will think "if only he could be the good version more often". Let's hope that you do in fact NEVER find what you had with him with anyone else. Who wants 10%? Mine said the same things about me not ever finding anyone. He told me that because I was 35 I didn't have one chance in hell of finding anyone. He also said that fact that Im that age and not at least divorced and with kids makes it look like there is something wrong with me. See...they will turn EVERYTHING around and use it against you. Even things that are not negative. They will do and say anything to make you feel desperate enough to put up with their bullshit. Im sure you will agree but I can do better than 10% on my damn own! This will take time. When you feel unsure think about your kids. Would you want them to have someone in thier life that makes them feel the way he did you 90% of the time? Plus, it would have made them more likely to get involved with an N themselves.

#6 Sep 6 - 10AM

quietude (not verified)

whatever

Yes, normal feelings. Mine said almost the exact same thing several times in e-mails to me after he left. He doubted I'd ever find what we had, it was so rare... I wouldn't find a guy who loved me more than he does...blah blah blah. To me, this was a last-ditch effort to tell me nobody else would want me...a real zing at my self-esteem. That I could do no better than this Narcissistic bastard?? Wow, talk about setting the bar LOW! Luckily by that time I was burned enough to see it for what it was. I think I remember Barbara posting about 20% of the time the relationship is 'good' - the problem is the 80%?? I might not be accurate on that, but the point is...we naturally focus on the tiny percent, we're hopeful that for some magical reason that number will grow. But even the good things, were not genuinely GREAT & he was this wonderful, awesome guy. They were marginally good...but I made them out to be fantastic because everything else sucked.

#7 Sep 6 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

Rose-Marie (not verified)

Whoops!

I think I must be an N now because when N2's abuse became too much to tolerate I walked out on him, but not before telling him that no one else would love him as much as I did, which I still think holds true because I think other people would have walked out much sooner than I did. Rosy

#8 Sep 6 - 10AM (Reply to #3)

quietude (not verified)

nooooo

No Rose-Maire! BIG difference! You're saying it for a completely different reason that he is. You are genuinely hurt, as a normal, compassionate, feeling person. You know you gave it your all, and it was wasted on him. It's a lashing out, which is normal. He says it to once again, make us feel worthless, like they are the best we can do, which is an absolute LIE. They don't do it out of their own hurt, it's part of their mind-control...they play into our fears. They hope saying it will re-secure us as a source. Just like your walking out?? Mine walked out on me. Two completely different things. We may say similar things our N's say to us ~ it's all the motive behind what is said: Me: I love you = I feel I love you Him: I love you = I don't love you, I need and am using you & will tell you I love you because that's what you want to hear You can go on and on with examples, but you probably get the point.

#9 Sep 6 - 10AM (Reply to #6)

dolce (not verified)

Your feelings are normal

All completely normal. But take in the insight the others have posted :)

#10 Sep 6 - 10AM (Reply to #4)

Rose-Marie (not verified)

Hi Quietude

I remember when I said it that it was a completely inappropriate thing to say - and he just looked at me totally bemused. You are right though, I did give it my all and he did keep me hooked in by just giving me enough to hang on to. He was such a contrary person - despite not wanting to let me go, he did make it clear almost from the beginning that he did not want a relationship that could have led to us living together and I persisted hoping he would change his mind. For that I feel stupid and could kick myself, but I will never make that mistake again. Rosy

#11 Sep 6 - 12PM (Reply to #5)

quietude (not verified)

rose-marie

We all go through the, "I can't believe I fell for it" stage. I took mine back three times, hopeful that things would be different THIS TIME...he means what he says, so it had to work, right?? I even said 'yes' to his marriage proposal....yiiikkkkees! In retrospect, that probably frightens me the most, that I was within a few weeks of it. Not being alone, not him leaving...the fact that he almost snared me for good. Thank God he flaked and bolted. (or D&D'd!) Try not to be hard on yourself, we aren't 'stupid' at all. We are manipulated by pros. Pretty evil ones. Our brain has a hard time recognizing this level of deception, so I think we naturally 'assume' they are doing these things for good purposes, because they ultimately have our best interest in mind?? This is completely wrong of course, but how could we really know? Not until we are away, and gain clarity do we start to understand this. As far as what you said as being inappropriate, that is your empathy talking...that you would never go out of your way to say something cruel to a person who doesn't deserve it. Saying something 'terrible' to our N's...although it falls on completely deaf ears...is the least we could do to THEM for all of the hell they put us through. The person you should be kicking is him ;) I never confronted mine due to strict NC, but I have reoccurring dreams of yelling at him and telling him off.

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